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Husband refuses to have joint account

69 replies

CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 21:34

I have returned to work part time after the birth of my first child. As a result I am now earning far less - my husband was always earning substantially more than me and now this gap has widened. We have never had a joint bank account and while on maternity leave I lived on my savings.

I currently contribute to the mortgage, family bills etc the percentage of family income that I earn. I don't feel this is the best way as I don't feel I am paying for any one thing, just a bit of everything. My husband refuses to have a joint bank account as he genuinely does not trust anyone else - including me - with financial matters.

I would prefer for us both to pay our salaries into a joint account from which all 'family' bills are paid, and that we both take a small equal amount from that account each month to pay for our own luxuries. My husband won't agree to this and I cannot get him to understand the loss of independence I feel in relying on him financially, which is why I lived on savings during my maternity leave. He said I should ask him for money when I needed it but having always earned my own money I could not bring myself to do that. It would have felt demeaning and I know he would have kept a mental running total of how much he was giving me. During a recent conversation I said we are both contributing to our family financially, and he said 'no, not really' - as if my contribution is negligible despite working almost full time hours in 3 days and doing childcare for 2 days (and majority childcare on weekends - not sure why that happens but seems to be the way it is).

If we have another child and my income reduces further, I could not bear to have to ask for every penny I need and keep justifying what I am spending. Please tell me that someone out there has a sensible solution - or if they can help me articulate to my husband exactly what I find so hard about having to ask for the money. I'm normally pretty assertive but I just cannot get him to understand how undignified it would feel for me to keep asking for money.

This is getting really hard.

Help.

OP posts:
MrsMarvel · 17/09/2007 13:26

Please google "financial abuse".

ellis65 · 17/09/2007 13:33

I'm in a similar situation, where my husband took my name off our joint account, basically as i was spending too much monthly, i have now learnt my lesson and am more careful when i shop, i can do a weeks shopping on £70 for 5 of us. He pays all the household bills, and i see to mine, he will help me out if i need it, but i worry more about what if something happened to him, how would i get access to his money.

MatNanPlus · 17/09/2007 13:36

Hubby and i have our own accounts that our salaries are paid into and we set up a joint account for all house costs - mortgage, BT, sky, gas etc and we transfer money into the joint account to cover these bills, this means what ever is over at the end of this is 'our' money.

Hurlyburly · 17/09/2007 13:39

I hadn't thought about this until I read Mrs Marvel's post. So I did google financial abuse, and this is what I found

Financial Abuse
Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying your ability to do so or obstructing you.

Financial abuse can include the following:

preventing you from getting or keeping a job
denying you sufficient housekeeping
having to account for every penny spent
denying access to cheque book/account/finances
putting all bills in your name
demanding your paychecks
spending money allocated to bills/groceries on himself
forcing you to beg or commit crimes for money
spending Child Benefit on himself
not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself or children

prettybird · 17/09/2007 14:08

I think you need to sit him down and say "We need to do some financial planning". Tel em, "We are in a marriage and now have afamily, so that means we need to plan things together as we have joint reposnbilities" (BTW - was the decsion to start a family a joint one, or did you "push" him?)

Take the lead - show him he is not the only one who is savvy about money.

Do yuo know roughly how much he earns (take home) a month?

Put together budget: what are the monthly outgoings? Martgage, insurance, council tax, utilities, child care. If you don't know, but he does, ask him to provide the figures. Tel him that it is your intention to set up an account that is purely for dealing with these outgoings.

Then put together your regular income: yours and his. At this stage, don't talk about how much each is going tob e divided. However, you can point out that if you didn't work part time, then the cost of the child care would increase to x. Also remind him that if you were working full time, you wuld expect/need him to do far more at weekends (you might want to tell him that anyway! )

The talk about plans: what do the two of think needs to be done over the next one year/two years/fivre years? Is the bathroom a priority for both of you? What sort of budget can or should be allocated to it? If he doesn't want to do it yet, how much of the household income should be allocated to saving toward it?

Now you can talk about how much of each of your salaries should be going in to the joint pot - into that account you told him your were going to set up. How much do you think you need for your own requirements? What family savings shuold be being built up for contingencies? If your salalry is all already used, up, ask him what he thinks the alternatives are: after all, your child was a joint effort . Does he want to give up a day's work, so that you can work an extra day. Tell him that is not your preference, as you know that he earns more - and that you were otherwise happy to carry out the child care for two days, but that you need to know that yuor contribution is valued.

Tell him that it is your preference that this account should be a joint one - so that you can both access and manage it. Trust cuts both ways.

Keep it all very business like - and emphasise that you are trying to plan for the future, so that you can do thinkgs like replace the bathromm when he is happy that you (you as in the "family unit") have sufficient savings to do so.

DH and I did have issues about money for a while - but never about sharing it. He was the one that wanted everythng to go into a single joint account, where I was the one who wanted some independence (although we bith always knew what the other was earning).

In the event, we both maintained our single accounts, set up a joint account, out of which all bills are paid, and we both pay in us much as we can into that account, only keeping back what we consider we need for our own use that month. Anything left over from the joint account goes into joint savings (sometihme single savings, as ISAs). But this apporach assumes a adegree of selflessness and trust that I am not sure that yuor dh has.

Tortington · 17/09/2007 16:34

i didn't know that BK - i thought www had said something different earlier.

does nanyone know (ish on avg.) what the split usually is ina divorce? obv circs are different - but i just assumed that it would be fairly equitable? is it not? do working DH's get to keep all the money in accounts in their name?

bossykate · 17/09/2007 16:37

custy - that's just it. it's meant to be equitable based on the needs primarily of the children and each partner, so it will depend on circumstances. i'll be able to give you more details tomorrow after i've consulted a solicitor

bossykate · 17/09/2007 16:38

i suppose "equitable" needn't equal 50/50 - though it might.

Tortington · 17/09/2007 16:40

oh no i'm so sorry. gosh

if you need a friend - who isn't real ykwim you can always mail me on creamy custardo at hotmail dot com.

Marina · 17/09/2007 23:24

bk
I've mailed you XXX

MrsMarvel · 18/09/2007 00:56

The way I see money is that we trust each other with it. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with who earned it or who deserves more. If he thinks we need a new camera and I think I need some new boots, we decide somehow what takes priority. Don't get me wrong we don't have many discussions about it, but I wouldn't overspend on stuff and neither would he.

Having your "own" money is a bit of a bizarre concept when you have children. The money is the family's, not the individual's.

There's just one thing though, in order to keep cash flowing we drip-feed a joint account from an account held in my name simply so that we don't blow the month's wages too quickly. It means that once a month we have to get together to discuss what's been spent on what and what we do with the leftovers.

bossykate · 18/09/2007 09:50

custy, marina

you are both very kind, thank you

we're not at the "proceedings" stage yet - but are at the stage when i think it is prudent for me to understand the position especially as i am the higher earner and am really not very keen on a 50/50 split ta v. much.

but thanks for your kind words, much appreciated

marina, i haven't seen anything from you so assume you have sent to my yahoo account - can't access this at work.

custy, i know you have had your own cross to bear on the matrimonial path so i hope things are much better for you now.

thanks again

WideWebWitch · 18/09/2007 09:58

BK, sorry to hear this, will email you xxx

batters · 18/09/2007 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 18/09/2007 10:09

It's on your yahoo address, didn't want to write to you at work.
Sending you tons of love, all your chums are thinking of you XXXX

janinlondon · 18/09/2007 11:43

BK have also emailed - yahoo address.

bossykate · 18/09/2007 12:06

oops. feel like a dreadful attention seeking hi-jacker now! sorry!

janinlondon · 18/09/2007 12:11

I don't think anyone would see it that way BK.

bossykate · 18/09/2007 22:25

basically, what i said about the 50/50 holds, but each case decided on individual circumstances.

thanks to all!

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