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Original poster

AIBU to feel angry with husband

55 replies

Lisawinters · 13/01/2020 23:04

Hello,

I would like your perspective on whether or not IABU

We are a couple both aged 40 with 2 young kids. We both work full time, have a mortgaged house and all of the usual stuff.

We have been in debt for several years due to general overspending, weddding costs, house repairs etc. My dh deals with all of the fiances and despite being in debt, we are ok and not in any arrears etc. Things tick along nicely.

My dh gets very stressed over the debt and on a few occasions he has gotten quite stressed and depressed over it. He will often bring up money and the need to cut back. I have never really asked him about our debt level until recently as I knew that he had it under control but I guessed it would be around 30-35K. I knew that it was £38K a few years ago.

Last week I found out that we actually owe 50K and I am annoyed. dh is upset and stressed and think that IABU for being angry. He feels that he has tried to raise the issue of money and budgeting several times but I haven't engaged. There is some truth in that.

He says that he feels ashamed that he had allowed our finances to spiral to such an extent and that whilst it worries him constantly, he felt the need to protect me from the stress. Thankfully we are able to pay it off with some sensible budgeting.

He doesn't understand why I am cross as in his opinion I should have taken more interest in our finances and not just leave it to him.

I don't have any concerns that he has been up to no good - gambling ot other women etc. He is a good man, a lovely husband and a fantastic father.

AIBU unreasonable to be annoyed over our debts?

OP posts:
Tinty · 13/01/2020 23:09

Yes you are unreasonable you should have taken more interest in your finances especially as it is joint debt, you knew about it and he has been getting stressed about it.

It sounds like you were leaving your poor DH with all the responsibility and not helping him at all especially as he tried to bring it up previously.

I suggest you apologise for being angry and make a plan to cut back and economise to get the debts paid off.

Lipperfromchipper · 13/01/2020 23:10

Well unless you are paying more than the minimum payment then it will increase because of interest!! You (both of you) need to sit down and work out a budget and start paying it off ASAP!! How are the debts split? Credit cards? Loans?? You need to help your dh, he obviously cannot not manage it alone, and he shouldn’t have to OP! This is your doing too, not just his!!

blue25 · 13/01/2020 23:12

How could you not have known about that much debt? That’s a huge amount and must have been a massive worry for your husband.

You chose to not engage in family finances and leave him to it, so YABU to be annoyed with him. What a mess.

PaperbackBlighter · 13/01/2020 23:14

That’s a huge amount of debt, and an awful lot of worry he’s had to deal with alone while you’ve buried your head in the sand “not engaged”.

YABVU

Drum2018 · 13/01/2020 23:14

YABU, as is your Dh. You both need to know what is going on with joint finances. Sit down and go through every account, see where you can make savings by switching utilities and keep abreast of all spending outside of utility bills - food, hobbies, kids activities etc. While he should have let you know things were getting worse, you should be taking an active interest in what's going on.

Ginger1982 · 13/01/2020 23:29

You've never asked him about your debt and not engaged with him regarding budgeting?

YABVU. How can you blame him when you're the one who has been sticking her head in the sand? 🙄

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 13/01/2020 23:31

YABU it is your debt too

Own it

GreenTulips · 13/01/2020 23:33

You sound very blasé about £38K if debt!

Of coarse you should be helping this is your debt as well. You need to tighten your belts before you sink.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2020 23:44

YABVU! He’s repeatedly tried to talk to you and you’ve opted out completely, left him on his own with the responsibility and worry, considered a whopping £38k something okay and now you dare to be angry with him.

This is so unbelievable I’m wondering if it’s a reverse.

If it’s not:

Stop buying stuff you can’t afford
Talk to a debt charity ASAP
Up your regular payments
Commit to a weekly discussion with a massive spreadsheet
Stop being childish and engage like the grown up you are

wizzler · 13/01/2020 23:57

I call reverse.

Clearly you are both responsible for the debt and should both be responsible for sorting it out

Willow2017 · 14/01/2020 00:31

Hell you weren't bothered about overspending by £38k so what's another £12k?

Seriously:
You helped cause the debt.
You didn't want to know about it.
You didn't want to help cut back on living expenses when your dh tried to get you to acknowledge the financial situation.
Now you have to deal with your stupidity.
CAB
Debt management rearrange interest rates and repayments.
Cut back spending on everything to the bone.
Take responsibility for your own lifestyle and generally being the proverbial ostrich.

SilverySurfer · 14/01/2020 06:05

I can't believe you think £38k debt is ok but because its £50k have a go at your DH, despite him trying to get you to act like an adult and discuss the issue on several occasions.

Grow up and discuss with him how you are going to deal with this massive amount of debt.

PityParty4one · 14/01/2020 06:12

YABU for the reasons already stated.

You allowed DH to deal with everything and didn't care even when you knew he was stressed yet now you are blaming him because you have finally bothered to look at your JOINT debt!

Stop blaming him and start supporting him and both of you need to work on the debt.

Original poster
Lisawinters · 14/01/2020 06:18

I promise that there is no reverse - I just didn't know where else to ask for advice. Noone in the real world knows about out finances and that is the way I want it to stay. I know I should have supported more and I think that a lot of my anger is actually aimed at myself. It has taken its toll on him. he has been to GP and is taking anti depressants.

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 14/01/2020 06:19

Not sure what else you expected him to do. He has brought it up, you dont seem interested.

Despite him being stressed about it, at no point have you tried to take half the burden yourself. Is that what partners do? If dp was stressed about something, I would talk to him about it and see where I could help even if it didnt directly impact me.

You knew it was causing problems and just carried on ignoring it and the impact in him. Now complaining he hasnt dont a good enough job.

These are joint finances. Deal with it jointly. Sort it out

Scarsthelot · 14/01/2020 06:19

Jesus, the debt has sent him into depression. You havent been interested and now angry at him?

All the anger should be at yourself.

GlitteryGracie · 14/01/2020 06:25

Yes YABU you knew you were in debt by quite a large amount, you knew that your dh was dealing with it and getting stressed and depressed about it. He's previously tried to discusss it with you and you failed to engage. But now that you're finally engaged with it, you're cross with him. That's unfair. Presumably you spent the money together

GlitteryGracie · 14/01/2020 06:27

Aargh last one sent before I was ready.

Presumably you spent the money together and now you need to equally shoulder the responsibility of making a good plan and paying it off. Stop blaming your dh, stop burying your head in the sand. Visit a debt advice organisation and make a sensible plan together.

Fairylea · 14/01/2020 06:29

Well £50k compared to £38k isn’t that much different is it... I mean if you can afford the debt by budgeting what does an extra xxxx matter? It depends a lot on your income and outgoings etc. The main thing is to be able to pay it back without adding to it.

Equanimitas · 14/01/2020 06:44

You seem to be cross because you have only just found out about this, yet obviously he hasn't been keeping anything secret from you - rather the reverse. Is the reality that you are cross because you wanted to continue to close your eyes to it?

Curiousmum69 · 14/01/2020 06:49

You clearly can't afford the debt or it wouldn't be increasing.

Go and get help. Step change is a good one if they are near you.

Yabu to have ignored this for so long.

Weenurse · 14/01/2020 06:55

Time to budget, sell stuff you don’t need, say goodbye to holidays for a few years, menu plan and knuckle down.
No new clothes, packed lunches for work, no take away coffee.
Once you have a plan, the anger will go.
Good luck

CupoTeap · 14/01/2020 07:04

Yabu you knew you were overspending and have ignored him when he wanted to budget and now your angry at him?

You need to step up if this is worrying him so much he's in ad you need to start being a grown up.

JeffreysWorkTrousers · 14/01/2020 07:17

I think there was a thing from Martin Lewis saying £5k on a normal credit card doing only minimum payments would take 18 years to pay it back.

I actually used it as a teaching tool for my teenage sons so they understand debt.

What's done is done so you need to sit down together and go over where the debt is and how you will both sort it out or how you will sort it if your DH can't manage it.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/01/2020 07:19

Some churches offer free debt and money counselling. I'd look into this and make a plan to get out of debt