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Original poster

AIBU to feel angry with husband

55 replies

Lisawinters · 13/01/2020 23:04

Hello,

I would like your perspective on whether or not IABU

We are a couple both aged 40 with 2 young kids. We both work full time, have a mortgaged house and all of the usual stuff.

We have been in debt for several years due to general overspending, weddding costs, house repairs etc. My dh deals with all of the fiances and despite being in debt, we are ok and not in any arrears etc. Things tick along nicely.

My dh gets very stressed over the debt and on a few occasions he has gotten quite stressed and depressed over it. He will often bring up money and the need to cut back. I have never really asked him about our debt level until recently as I knew that he had it under control but I guessed it would be around 30-35K. I knew that it was £38K a few years ago.

Last week I found out that we actually owe 50K and I am annoyed. dh is upset and stressed and think that IABU for being angry. He feels that he has tried to raise the issue of money and budgeting several times but I haven't engaged. There is some truth in that.

He says that he feels ashamed that he had allowed our finances to spiral to such an extent and that whilst it worries him constantly, he felt the need to protect me from the stress. Thankfully we are able to pay it off with some sensible budgeting.

He doesn't understand why I am cross as in his opinion I should have taken more interest in our finances and not just leave it to him.

I don't have any concerns that he has been up to no good - gambling ot other women etc. He is a good man, a lovely husband and a fantastic father.

AIBU unreasonable to be annoyed over our debts?

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 14/01/2020 07:21

You sound astonishingly relaxed about the fact you had £38k debt. That was an enormous debt anyway.

okiedokieme · 14/01/2020 07:25

Yes you should have checked for yourself, finances should be dealt with jointly, it's not the 1950's! I cannot understand why anyone in a committed relationship doesn't know the joint finances and those of their dp - my stbexh had zero idea of how much money we had, in fact he could have been cut short if I hadn't been honest!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/01/2020 07:34

YABVU. Why are you angry at him when he’s been telling you to cut back and the spending has continued.

I can’t believe you were ok with £38k of debt and were doing nothing to change that fact it would seem. There are two children who are financially dependent on their parents and that’s a huge amount of debt.

Who plans a wedding when that much in debt! Head in sand maybe.

Bananalanacake · 14/01/2020 07:34

I take it you're doing the usual things advised to save on money, for example. Taking a packed lunch to work, meal planning, not getting takeaways. I am doing the year without buying any clothes to save money.

BuckingFrolics · 14/01/2020 07:34

Yes. Unreasonable. Dear god need you ask?

SaintGarbo · 14/01/2020 07:42

Christ, you are being very unreasonable!

Your poor husband.

Waiting1987 · 14/01/2020 07:51

YABU. I can't even imagine the stress of managing that much debt. It's a terrifying amount of money to owe and the interest must be massive.

You both need outside help to manage this. He can't cope alone and shouldn't have to,

Beautiful3 · 14/01/2020 07:51

This is both your responsibility. Its both your fault for not taking action. You both need to book an appointment with a debt advisor. They help you contact all those you owe money to and work out a repayment plan. Take a look at you outgoings, cut back on take aways, eating/going out, drinking/smoking, clothes and hair/beauty appointments. Only way, otherwise it will spiral even further. My friend went through the same issue and now she is debt free Good luck to you both.

thickwoollytights · 14/01/2020 07:55

You are totally unreasonable

My dh gets very stressed over the debt and on a few occasions he has gotten quite stressed and depressed over it. He will often bring up money and the need to cut back. I have never really asked him about our debt level until recently as I knew that he had it under control

He didn't have it under control and you put your head in the sand when he tried to ask for help

You're not just unreasonable - you're pathetic

Babyroobs · 14/01/2020 07:58

I'm not surprised he's worried. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Contact an organisation such as stepchange or CAP to get a decent plan in place to sort it out.

RosieCockle · 14/01/2020 08:02

I don't consider 38k of debts "ticking along nicely"!! It's horrifying. Your husband knew that - why were you so blind?
And now it's 50k! No wonder he's stressed and at the doctor's.
Open your eyes and get working on reducing that debt. You'll be retiring in just over 20 years - what the heck are you going to live on??

Original poster
Lisawinters · 14/01/2020 10:01

Thank you for everyones comments. Some of them have been difficult to read but I accept what everyone has said and it has been a wake up call for me. I do feel guilty for not being more supportive and the impact that this has had on his mental health.

He earns about 3X more than me so I think I got lulled in to a sense of " he earns loads so he can sort it" which I know isn't really acceptable.

We are both at home this afternoon and kids are at school. I have asked if we can sit down and go through everything calmly so that I have the full picture.

The one positive is that we are not in any arrears. Thankfully our current income is sufficient for us to make the payments and also pay the mortgage, bills food etc. There is also a bit of money leftover apparently that we have been wasting.

Thanks again. Posting on here has helped to me to see sense and stop being so selfish

OP posts:
Batqueen · 14/01/2020 10:06

Good update op, I hope your husband feels relieved now you are supporting him on this and you can both get your finances on track. We all make mistakes.

Batqueen · 14/01/2020 10:07

Also you might want to join the debt support thread

mummmy2017 · 14/01/2020 10:08

This month just buy what you need.
Taking cash out to shop with means you don't impulse buy.
Maybe keep a diary of spending.

OrangeHeadMummy · 14/01/2020 10:28

That is a scary amount of debt. Make a plan with him and be kind. He must have been very stressed and didn’t want to worry you.

Gottobefree · 14/01/2020 10:57

YABU. You let him deal with it without taking enough interest and in all honesty he has been holding the stress. You are NOT to blame, but neither is he.

No point being angry at him. Take this as a fresh slate where you both have all the information and sit down and work on paying it off together !

Dontdisturbmenow · 14/01/2020 18:53

Sorry but yes, YABU. £38K or £50K is a lot of debt. If you were not interested when you believed you were £38K in debts, why was he supposed to believe you would be knowing it was £50K.

It sounds like you burried your head in the sand when it suited you and left your OH to carry the stress. Now that you are exposed to that stress, you are blaming him.

I expect deep inside, it is yourself you are angry with but you're not yet ready to face it,.

Original poster
Lisawinters · 15/01/2020 21:50

So we sat down together yesterday and went through it all. It's clear that he has been trying hard to manage it.

12K is on a credit card with a 6.9% for the life of balance rate. We have set a fixed payment for this card so we are essentially treating it as a loan
There is another Barclaycard with 4K that is also 6.9% for the life of the balance so this also not has a fixed payment set up

There is a 5 K loan and another 8K loan.

That means that 33K of it is at reasonable rates with the loans having a set payment and end date.

The remaining 20K is across various credit cards, some interest free and some not. These cards are our priority for now.

We do also have a car on finance that I haven;t included. We have decided to consider this as an expense for now, rather than a debt and tackle this at the end when everything else if paid off.

Thankfully we have enough income to sort it out. Our joint income after tax in £5100 per month. Our mortgage and house expenses come to £1200 and our minimum debt payments are £1500. We reckon that we need £500 per month for food and fuel. This means that potentially we have about £1900 per month that we can use to overpay the debts.

I feel instantly more relaxed knowing that its doable. I have also realized that my dh has done his best to keep thing going.

OP posts:
Sunnytimesahead · 15/01/2020 22:02

Hi OP, I just wanted to give you some moral support, we all make mistakes and hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's great that you have sat down together and worked out a plan. Things will get better. Good luck to you both.

Gazelda · 15/01/2020 22:18

It must feel good to have a clear view of the situation. And I hope your DH feels more positive now that the problem is shared.

I'm sure I've read somewhere that the best way to tackle a number of debts is to throw everything you can at the one with the up highest interest rate. Once that's paid off, tackle the one with the next highest.

And I think it would be worth doing a running budget. Moneysavingexpert.com have one. I'm surprised that your household expenses come to £1200pcm if you are reasonable earners and have racked up so much debt. Have you included childcare, car service, income protection insurance, boiler repairs etc? It helps me enormously if I write down every penny as it's spent so that I can see trends, add in things I've forgotten such as contact lenses, car parking etc.

Horehound · 15/01/2020 22:24

Just make sure you do overpay. Also it might be worthwhile moving to a 0% interest card on some of those even if it says for 12 months then in 11 months you look for a new 0% rate card to transfer to.
Also have a look at the money saving expert website

walksen · 15/01/2020 22:43

I would be thinking about minimising any interest paid then focus on repaying capital aa fast as you can. 6.9% is quite a high level of interest. Move what you can to 0 % interest cards. The other option is to transfer some of these balances onto a consolidated loan or even add to the mortgage which will attract a lower interest rate. The key thing is to then maximise your overpayments.

Lipperfromchipper · 16/01/2020 00:59

I would go for the smallest balances first OP, get them paid off and CUT THEM UP!! Then add the money that you were using for those to pay for the 6.9 % cards and use the snowball method from there on!! Stop living above your means!!! That is an obscene amount of debt!!

sst1234 · 16/01/2020 05:39

Without knowing the full details, it sounds like you is terrible at managing money, he let it grow from £38k to £50k despite there being enough household income to reduce it. And you have been not been taking responsibility by not even knowing the extent of it. So you are both at fault. But you already know this, so it’s not an attempt to pass judgement, even though it sounds like it. Just trying to give an outsiders perspective.
Next thing, after you get over the shock of it which is totally understandable, is to do an SOA, see how you can snowball, take advantage of interest free credit to pay high interest credit and perhaps even give up some peripheral luxuries to pay it off sooner. Good luck