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Original poster

Question on money

54 replies

MotherMom · 05/01/2020 09:50

I am the primary earner in the family, my DH became the primary caregiver and works 15hrs a week from home - he's an accountant. I work long hours during the week, including my commute leave home at 5.30/6am returning at 8/8.30pm and in fairness he's great with the children. Our oldest is in boarding school now.

Don't have a major issue with the arrangement but he controls all our money and I get a small monthly 'allowance' which is not enough for me to cover my lunches, tights for work or to treat myself to coffees or a manicure. He's defensive when I raise it, I earn a lot and work hard, it would be nice to be able to spend a bit. I've no idea what we have in the joint bank account which is stupid I know. How do I address this now without causing a scene.

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 05/01/2020 10:18

That seems incredibly unfair and totally out of balance. If he was the main money earner would you do the same to him? Suspect the answer is no. You can't afford tights?

It may cause "a scene" to discuss it but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Why are you afraid of causing a scene? What are you afraid he will do? Sounds like perfect grounds for a healthy discussion to me.

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 10:21

Do you not have a card for the joint account? Open your own bank account and redirect your wages into it? You can then set up a standing order into the joint account to cover bills

Duchessofealing · 05/01/2020 10:22

You cause a scene and tell him that you earn it therefore you have a right to know what you have and where. And if he kicks up a fuss you change your bank account details with work and transfer an amount to him each month! And don’t tell him you are doing this until you’ve spoken to the joint bank account bank and got yourself access.

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 10:30

At the very least you need access to the joint account. Why dont you have a card for it? Dont you have online/mobile banking?

ElluesPichulobu · 05/01/2020 10:36

you should have equal access to the joint account, and both equally able to spend from it. so the question becomes - does your dh allow himself the flexibility to buy himself nice things when he wants them (in which case you are being financially abused and controlled) or is it that your earnings plus his are are not actually sufficient to keep the whole family at the lifestyle level you want? and you all actually need to budget and deny yourself the luxuries you'd like?

Original poster
MotherMom · 05/01/2020 10:45

Should have said a couple of additional things. He is very frugal, doesn't spend much himself at all and sees me as frivolous in wanting to say have a manicure or buy clothes or shoes. I'm not an overspender at all. I have a card for joint account but don't feel I can spend on myself but use it for shopping or the children.

We have plenty to live comfortably and have nice holidays. He's not aggressive but gets defensive about money. We have very different backgrounds and he's saving for those rainy days whereas I'm more like spend it and save it but live life to the full! I want to raise it but fear he will get defensive and I'm not good with conflict. In anticipating this conversation I actually feel like I do when I'm taking on my boss for a raise!!!!!

I'd like to clarify we get on amazingly except for this issue!!!!!

OP posts:
Sleepingboy · 05/01/2020 10:48

Stick up for yourself! I have no idea why people get themselves in this situation at home but manage to hold down a professional job.

leghairdontcare · 05/01/2020 10:58

If you have a card for the joint account then you are able to access the balance via a cash machine. Is it more the case that you're not interested in managing money and he has taken over as he has the skills and desire to do it? Why do you feel he will respond negatively if you discuss it?

My husband and I have an allowance each month and use the joint account for essential outgoings. Either of us can make the case for increasing or reducing the allowance without causing an argument.

Original poster
MotherMom · 05/01/2020 11:03

Thanks everyone- posting had made me realise how ridiculous my thoughts /reactions on this matter are. I really don't know why I won't bring this up with him or am worried about his reaction. He's mostly reasonable!!!!

I just have to discuss it like an adult. I have just handed over control of the finances to him, it's just evolved this way. Thank you for your helpful comments.Smile

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 05/01/2020 11:11

On Monday open a new bank account in your sole name.

On Tuesday ask your employer to pay your salary into your new account in future.

Today sit down with your husband and tell him you want equal access to your joint account or you will go to the police and report him for financial abuse.

This is fucking shocking.

basicbitch16 · 05/01/2020 11:11

You said you have no idea what's in the joint account but you do have a card, so go to the cash point & check the balance??

CheddarGorgeous · 05/01/2020 11:13

Sorry, I've just seen you do have access to the joint account. Why on earth aren't you setting your own spending limits then??

Do you have full access to all savings?

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 11:19

So it's not him stopping you spending out the joint account but you are choosing not to? I dont police DH's spending and he doesn't police mine as we trust each other not to overspend

PegasusReturns · 05/01/2020 11:22

You’re earning enough to put your DS in boarding school and have nice holidays but can’t access the money to buy tights or grab a cup of coffee whilst you’re out of the house for 15 hours.

You need to be firm with your DH this isn’t acceptable.

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 11:46

She can access the money but is choosing not to as she has a card for the account

ivykaty44 · 05/01/2020 13:54

Walk into your bank and ask the balance on the account

You are being financially abused- you do realise this?

It’s not normal to be in your situation

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 13:58

She has a card so can get a balance from any cash machine

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 13:59

I have a card for joint account but don't feel I can spend on myself but use it for shopping or the children

Just use the damn card

TheReef · 05/01/2020 14:00

I'd be asking him for a complete breakdown of all incomings and outgoings. I'd insist on it! If he says no I'd be getting my salary paid into a single account. This isn't about you keeping the money, it's about being aware of what's happening

HollowTalk · 05/01/2020 14:06

How on earth did it get to this?

You are earning a lot of money and presumably you need to spend money on yourself just to look decent at work. If you can't feel you can buy a pair of tights for yourself, something is really, really wrong.

Tell him now that you want to see all bank accounts. Don't accept any excuses from him. This is really shocking - I'm not sure you realise how bad it is.

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 14:15

Apply for online or mobile banking and then you can see the balance and all transactions. You have let him have all the power so take back some control

Original poster
MotherMom · 05/01/2020 14:19

Yes, I think I need to take back some control and responsibility. It's not that he stops me but I have not had the time nor energy. I'll discuss it tonight.

OP posts:
GallusAlice79 · 05/01/2020 14:31

If you really don't want to have an argument, set up a bank account in your name only and divert money into it.

I have several bank accounts for different reasons/benefits so you could say you want a new account for something (like a preferential savings rate or insurance) then start getting your salary paid into that, and transfer cash into the joint account.

I am also the main breadwinner in my house, and my OH and I also have very different ideas about money. However I control the finances, not him. He has zero interest in it, which brings its own issues as he has no idea how much things actually cost Hmm

RandomMess · 05/01/2020 14:33

Perhaps the way to approach it is "if you got killed in a car crash tomorrow I'd be screwed and not have a clue. We need to both have an oversight of a situation and make joint decisions"

dementedpixie · 05/01/2020 14:35

She wouldn't be screwed. There is a joint account and she has a card for it so can easily access it. He doesnt have to tell her anything as she can get the info herself

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