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Original poster

Question on money

54 replies

MotherMom · 05/01/2020 09:50

I am the primary earner in the family, my DH became the primary caregiver and works 15hrs a week from home - he's an accountant. I work long hours during the week, including my commute leave home at 5.30/6am returning at 8/8.30pm and in fairness he's great with the children. Our oldest is in boarding school now.

Don't have a major issue with the arrangement but he controls all our money and I get a small monthly 'allowance' which is not enough for me to cover my lunches, tights for work or to treat myself to coffees or a manicure. He's defensive when I raise it, I earn a lot and work hard, it would be nice to be able to spend a bit. I've no idea what we have in the joint bank account which is stupid I know. How do I address this now without causing a scene.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 05/01/2020 14:41

You’re earning enough to put your DS in boarding school and have nice holidays but can’t access the money to buy tights or grab a cup of coffee whilst you’re out of

Does seem somewhat out of sync Hmm

dh and I have differnt attitudes to money, we got round t by each having our own personal spending money each month - alongside all the standing orders and DDRs to mortgage, council tax, utilities, etc, we had a standing order each to our 'pocket money' accounts. that is for us to spend or save as we want.
dh buys all his gadgets and toys and spends his every month without me having to bite my tongue, or fret, and I save most of mine as I'm just not a 'spender'. But it is ringfenced as our own to do what we want with, and there is no criticism of what the other does with it.
Could you do something like that?

NotStayingIn · 05/01/2020 14:46

OP! Good grief woman. I’m glad you are seeing the light of day. Don’t let him try and talk you into believing this is normal, it most definitely isn’t. Good luck with the conversation.

thickwoollytights · 05/01/2020 14:46

Wow

I'm speechless HmmConfused

RandomMess · 05/01/2020 14:56

But how much is in the joint account versus but in various savings or ISA schemes. He's an accountant I'm pretty sure all but monthly requirements will be tied up in various accounts/schemes to maximise financial returns and avoid taxation...

Drum2018 · 05/01/2020 15:13

Stand up for yourself. You earn the most and yet you don't have any control over your own money? You should have a sole account and have your salary paid into it, as should your Dh. That give you control of your money. Then have a joint account for bills, a joint savings account to save for holidays/Xmas etc. Sit down and see what all the bills cost per year. Divide by 12 and add an extra £100 per month for miscellaneous items. Then decide what each of you are to contribute to the joint bills and savings accounts - proportionate to your incomes - per month. After that whatever is left in your account should be yours to spend on yourself, the kids if you wish, or to save separately for things you want. It works well for us and neither of us has control of the others sole accounts. I can have my hair done, a meal out with friends or buy clothes for myself without having to run it by Dh. Likewise he can head off for a night with his friends, buy his hobby items etc without my say so.

Ellisandra · 05/01/2020 16:03

Good luck, because I don’t think you did just “hand over control” and I don’t think you will find it easy when you tell him the situation is changing.

You will find the Relationships section busier than this section, and you’re going to need it Sad

NotStayingIn · 05/01/2020 16:58

Agree with previous posters, your money needs to go into your account. Then a proportion of that goes into a joint account.

Also you do realise you don’t need his permission to do this? It would be great if he agreed, but I trust you’re not stupid enough to ask for his permission and only do it if he agrees. Set up an account for you, give work the details and then transfer a fair amount to the joint one monthly. It’s not about withholding money from him, it’s about being an adult and in charge of your own finances. Good luck OP.

edsheeransgingerbeard · 05/01/2020 17:05

But you can check how much you have in the joint account at the ATM machine, can't you? Do you have access to the savings accounts?

Original poster
MotherMom · 05/01/2020 17:37

Thanks all. We used to have separate accounts and contributed a % into a joint account for expenses/mortgages and kept the rest for ourselves. When he gave up his job to look after the children as I got a much better job that requires travelling, he suggested my salary be put into the joint account and at the time I didn't see an issue. He has a separate account for his company though and the money he earns through that, no idea how much that is though.

I clearly need to take back control of my finances. Thanks again for the straight talking.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/01/2020 17:45

So he has a separate account and you don't?

Are you sure this is a good man?

Drum2018 · 05/01/2020 17:47

When he gave up his job to look after the children as I got a much better job that requires travelling, he suggested my salary be put into the joint account and at the time I didn't see an issue. He has a separate account for his company though and the money he earns through that, no idea how much that is though.

Well, it's all worked out well for him! Meanwhile you have no clue how much money you have as a couple. Time for a discussion and don't take any shit from him if he throws a strop. Find out exactly what goes in and out of that joint account monthly. Chances are you are funding the lot. Get yourself an appointment with a bank and make sure to bring your id, address verification and open your own account asap. Or if your old one is still in existence just tell your work to change your details asap and have your next salary paid into your own account.

Sunsetsandmoons · 05/01/2020 17:50

I would say it’s worth causing a scene over if it comes to that.

Goldwispa · 05/01/2020 18:08

When you get the supermarket shop why don't you get some cash back and keep it for yourself, this works as long as you don't have to show him your receipt?

NotStayingIn · 05/01/2020 20:12

@Goldwispa I think that's great temporary advice for women who don't have other options, but this is the OP's own wage.

So I think she needs to put on her big girl pants, set up her own bank account again, get in touch with her employer, and be the recipient of her own wages again.

thickwoollytights · 06/01/2020 05:42

he suggested my salary be put into the joint account and at the time I didn't see an issue. He has a separate account for his company though and the money he earns through that, no idea how much that is though.

Fucking hell. He's fleecing you

CheddarGorgeous · 08/01/2020 11:35

How are you OP?

Scarfaceclaw21 · 08/01/2020 14:16

Op, are you OK? This disparity here is huge. He earns his money and that's seperate, but your money is to be shared?

Open your own account and get your salary paid in there. Use a seperate accoubt that you both donate to for bills.

inwood · 08/01/2020 14:18

This is insane, you're earning the ££££ and he's controlling it? Wake up op, and take control of your own money. Kick him to the kerb.

Pub4Games456 · 08/01/2020 17:35

Are you paying into an employee pension scheme ?

Do you have savings for emergencies ?

You need to keep an eye on your money !

Savannaha · 08/01/2020 17:40

Please be so careful!!! I had a friend in the exact same situation, she was given an 'allowance' and didn't have much to do with the family finances. Whenever she asked to see the balance or spendings etc her husband got defensive just like yours.

Cut a long story short, husband had a gambling problem and had lost all their savings. Please be so so careful

mencken · 09/01/2020 16:44

does sound very controlling - but it all depends on your actual budget. You can be earning a fortune and still be screwed if you lose your job.

sit down like grownups, look at income and outgoings plus savings and what-ifs. Then you can work out a frippery budget for both of you.

if he won't do that you have a bigger problem.

fromdownwest · 09/01/2020 16:56

I can't believe that this is seen as acceptable in 2020? An allowance for someone who works full time and is the main bread winner?

An the husband has his own 'secret' bank account, of which he can do as he pleases.

Either a joint bank account and joint income and expenditire, or your pay goes into your account, his into his and then have a 'bills' account where the essentials to live (mortgage, gas, school fees etc) are paid into. What is left over is yours to do as you please, and for him to do as he pleases.

Genuinely shocked that this goes on.

TabbyStar · 09/01/2020 16:59

A separate bank account for a company is normal, then paying a salary and dividends into the personal account, but you'd expect transparency and a discussion about this between you.

Happygirl79 · 09/01/2020 16:59

2 accountants in our family
Both exactly like your husband
Controlling and tight
Sorry but I don't understand how you can live with him

TheReef · 10/01/2020 08:25

If it's a joint account I'd visit the bank and ask for the last 6 months worth of statements. Go through this line by line and then make a decision on what you want out of a discussion.

Any agreements about things like money should be made by both of you. Any one person completely controlling the money and refusing to let you have a say in it, is abusive in my book

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