Question on money

[MotherMom]

I am the primary earner in the family, my DH became the primary caregiver and works 15hrs a week from home - he's an accountant. I work long hours during the week, including my commute leave home at 5.30/6am returning at 8/8.30pm and in fairness he's great with the children. Our oldest is in boarding school now.

Don't have a major issue with the arrangement but he controls all our money and I get a small monthly 'allowance' which is not enough for me to cover my lunches, tights for work or to treat myself to coffees or a manicure. He's defensive when I raise it, I earn a lot and work hard, it would be nice to be able to spend a bit. I've no idea what we have in the joint bank account which is stupid I know. How do I address this now without causing a scene.

I think you need to ask him how much personal money he has each month from his earnings, then you take the same to be equal
If he chooses to save all his that's his choice, but you should be free to spend yours how you want.

So long as bills are covered and you have equal personal spends, I don't see why it's either of your business how the other spends theirs. The personal spend amount should be reviewed if eg a large item needs saving for / you want to increase the amount you save for the future etc

@MotherMom money conversations are always hard as you never know how the other person takes it. It's a shame that the new banks like monzo or revolut haven't come up with solutions for a joint account that leads to more transparency and trust. I know they are doing stuff for business accounts and multiple owners/directors to build transparency and trust.
a new start-up G11.co seems to be targeting groups but also see they have a duo (2 members) category which maybe for couples?
Having a conversation is definitely the first step and then building transparency so no one feels they are being policed should make it easier to have the conversation

So basically @MotherMom your DH could have thousands in savings in his own name that you know nothing about and have no access to?

As it's a joint account you need to set up online access and see exactly where the money is going.

So basically @MotherMom* your DH could have thousands in savings in his own name that you know nothing about and have no access to?

As it's a joint account you need to set up online access and see exactly where the money is going.*

This with bells on it