Watching myself get more and more into debt and no idea what to do

[OhButWhatIfIFly]

Hi all, NC here as I don't want to be linked back to my previous threads, but I am a frequent user.

Go easy on me here, I really need some advice and I just don't know where to turn. I'm going to put in a bit of personal info here because I am really hoping there are some wise mumsnetters who can see the forest past all the trees, because I certainly can't. And I am sure that there are things I can do, but I'm not sure what they are.

I left my abusive husband 3 months ago and I've been with him since I left school 10 years ago. He controlled all our finances so this is my first bit of adulting and it's not going well. I work full time as a teacher and I have a middle management position. I live in a council flat and receive housing benefit (not a lot) and I get some money from Child Maintenance. In total, that makes my monthly income after deductions £2269.38. My rent is £664 per month, childcare £1648.48. I work 1h15m from home as I can't afford to live nearby and therefore use my car. Petrol costs £80 per month approx. Then I spend about £15pw on food and toiletries. This puts my basic outgoings at £2452.48. This means each month I lose £183.10. That's before my phone bill, additional childcare for Parents' Evenings etc.

I've applied to UC but don't get anything. I have no friends or family that could help out with childcare. And when I say no one, I really do mean I am doing this alone. DD is 20 months, so we are still a fair bit off the 30 free hours. I am trying to relocate up north, but no jobs are coming up for the subject I teach but I am looking as this may help. I could do something else, and have been looking at admin jobs, but a huge pay cut would still put me in the same position. Do you think a weekend job would help me out after the cost of weekend childcare (providing I can find one, as looking at childminders, there seem to be none in the area that work weekends)?

I just don't don't know what to do or where I can go for advice. Any ideas are welcome!

Self care: thank you for the tip on my union. I'll ring them Monday!

Superlooper: that is nothing. If I moved DD closer to work, I could be paying around £95 per day.

Sheep : thank you for telling me about your situation. It gives me some hope. I'm so worried about credit cards though as I don't have no financial intellegence without DH 😭. Credit cards scare me.

I hate him so much right now for putting me in this position.
After a week away, I have broken it down to 2 pathways (I love my job, there is no 3rd pathway of leaving and going on benefits, I will not let him break me like that).

1. I find a job in the North where everything will be cheaper. My best friend's mum has also offered to do childcare if I move up there.
2. I find a job closer to my current address which would mean a drop in income, but I could put dd in a much cheaper nursery and get to work on time.

OP, you might be able to get useful advice from the Gingerbread (single parents) charity:

www.gingerbread.org.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIze7jr7Wc5AIVQ7DtCh1Z-giBEAAYASAAEgIJjvD_BwE

Sorry you're in this situation. I'm frustrated on your behalf that with a good job like yours that you can't make ends meet. Childcare costs are hugely prohibitive.

I hate to say it but with your rent costs being c. £600 which is low for the South, that moving up North isn't actually going to make that much difference to your housing costs. Last time I looked in the NE you could rent a one bedroom place for c. £450-600 but that wasn't including CT. Of course, the move may make a difference to your nursery costs. What's your current childcare cost per day?

Sorry, I've just worked out your daily childcare cost as being around £78.

I'm a 35 minute train journey into London (Euston) and childcare in this area is £58 a day, so a bit better.

I know of someone in Kent (just) paying £45 per day who is in easy commuting distance of SE London terminals.

So a new area could save you quite a bit but of course that would be subject to finding somewhere affordable to rent.

If you want to move up North, I'd go for it. My longterm plan is to move North but I just am not quite ready to leave the SE just yet.

Hi all. Just a quick update from me. Thanks all for your help but it seems I'm more than done. STBXH has put in custody application and another court application (on top of the first application he put in earlier in the thread). I'm sure he is trying to destroy me with legal fees. Today I went to a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. All 3 court cases plus the divorce, I'm looking at 15k. I'm then going to be in so much debt it will be unreal. I have 5k, my parents another 2k to lend me and the rest hopefully can go on credit cards or loans. Fuck, man. My parents live over 200 miles away and have said I can go live with them rent free (before they had said no) and won't want any money off me. I will have family there to help with childcare and I'll get another job to pay back the debts. I can't believe I'm in this mess 😢

Does legal aid still exist? I was supported with legal aid through my divorce. Still cost but at a set monthly rate.

It makes me so angry that feckless fathers ( or mothers) can do this, have children and walk away from their financial responsibility.
Without a legal aid system the richest win just because they can afford to fight. That just can't be right?

Can the shelter not give you advice about getting legal aid and defending yourself

submitting a claim is just trying it on

do not let him defeat your inner self

Is there equity in your marital home? Most solicitors will let their fees be paid from that if you can pay some up front.

@OhButWhatIfIFly

I’m so sorry to hear this! What a nightmare for you. Word of caution about living with your parents - not to pile on the worry, but I do think it’s something worth saying- my mother said the same thing to me. So I moved back. It was the deciding factor, really. Had she not said “come here, no rent, stay as long as you like, we’re here for you” etc etc I would have stayed in London. I had friends that would have helped me get on my feet.

‘D’M asked me to leave after 3 months, when I was juggling job hunting, still had no money, still had no nursery sorted, had no house, was still quite unwell (PPA) and 12 month old DS was in the midst of a bout of ill health that it turned out, would last 6 months and see us in and out of hospital constantly.

I’m not saying your parents will do this, but you note that they said no to having you there previously- so they’re reluctant... be careful. Once you leave London and social housing, you won’t find it easy to get back.

I’m sorry. This sucks. You’ll get through it though.

@leithWalk I don't qualify for legal aid. My lawyer only works with women from DV relationships and seems sympathetic. He thinks I'm going to lose the first court case so won't charge me for his time, just and court costs incurred.

I'm not going to defend myself. He is a very intelligent and highly educated man and respected in our community. The majority of our mutual friends have taken his side and are saying I am lying. I can't take that chance in court.

@RandomMess we don't own a home. We had a 40k deposit but I was stupid and let him keep it in his account because finance is his thing so I trusted him. He then put it on bonds or shares or something in his name.

That £40k is still a marital asset even if in stocks and shares!

However it's probably not worth the cost of fighting for it.

KOKO

Hi there,

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

Have you spoken to an organisation like Christians Against Poverty? They can advise on benefits, and help you do the sums on your options.

If it's an option I would quit your job, move to Yorkshire and move in with parents. If they can help with childcare you could look at working PT or FT and getting back on your feet.

One day this will all be a memory and you'll wonder how you survived it, but you will!

ObutwhatifIfly I started reading this thread because I thought I could suggest something like meal planning and shopping lists etc but then I realised that your rent and living expenses on your salary would be fine, it is your child care costs.

The shortfall each month will be manageable until you qualify for free child care. A 0% credit card with a long interest free period would be ideal and they might be less inclined to ask for a breakdown of outgoings than a loan provider.

Does your nursery charge you during the school holidays? What happens then? Does your daughter stay at nursery or with you? I know some nurseries offer reduced fees to child care workers as an recruitment/retention incentive. Do you have anything you could offer to do there during holidays for a fee reduction? (I know you might feel a bit embarrassed asking.)

I am so sorry than your ex is still trying to control your life but you have done fantastically well to get to this position - especially as he was controlling the finances. It will get better. In the meantime, have some .

This may or may not be helpful but if you qualify for any UC at all then you will be passported to full housing benefit while that is the case. I know you mentioned deductions but could those be reduced to allow any entitlement? Fingers crossed for you.

You are definitely entitled to universal credit. I did one of the calculators based on your figures and it said you would get around £200 a week.

They often get the first payment wrong, did you upload your childcare receipts? Have they missed off your child? Have they got your earnings correct? Those are the common ones they get wrong.

You need to challenge their decision, have you got a breakdown of your elements?

What were the deductions they took off you? They frequently say there is a tax credit debt but when you ask for a breakdown it magically disappears.

You need to speak to someone with proper knowledge of the system, like CAB or Christians against Poverty asap.

UC calculator

Hi @OhButWhatIfIFly firstly I just want to say well done for getting away. I know how hard that is. You did do the right thing, never forget that. No matter what he pulls, you are not in the same hole anymore. The truth is it's a different hole, but it's your hole. He's chucking all this stuff at you because he has lost control of you. Don't worry about other people's opinions.

So, have you thought about food banks? This would free up a little money each month.

Are you in a union? Do they have any support to offer?

When was the last time you looked at childminders? I know you mentioned being on a waiting list for one since before lo was born, but have you looked recently?

OP, I just want to say this will end, eventually. Don't lose sight of it. Money is only money- your freedom and DDs is what matters.

If I was you, I'd go up North and move in with your parents for a bit.

OP i haven’t rtft but have you considered tuition? Esp if you are living in a affluent area. You can work from home, hire a nanny or babysitter to watch your child while you work, if you can do some group tuition even better. You can do 1 evening and 1 weekend day a week.

@chillichutney1 that's a good idea!

I think now it is going to be about how I repay my debts and move on. Friday I had a call from the council. They stopped my housing benefit and had to pay the overdue rent for 3 months (that I thought was covered by the HB contributions). Then got a call to tell me the council are moving me and it is going to cost an extra £25 per week!!

I was doing a bit more research last night and can apply for a grant from my union, so fingers crossed. But I reckon by the end of September, I will have moved back in with parents. My mum only works Tuesday to Friday so maybe I could get a weekend job for the interim and then some evening tuition.

This is far from ideal but could help short term- have you thought about stopping your pension contributions for a bit? you could then restart them when the childcare situation is better and pay extra to top it up when you can afford it.

I don't know if this will help but a friend of my mother is a teacher and she does extra exam marking in holidays. Is that an option? (Especially if you do have it move back home!)

Is supply teaching better paid/better suited to your needs? (Eg closer schools to home? Or near your parents?) Maybe not but I thought I'd throw it out there x

I was in similar circumstances except owned my own home, I dropped to 30 hours a week which I went back full time when ds started school ( I didn't get the free 30 hours). I also swapped from nursery to a childminder, which saved a bit but was invaluable for wrap around care when ds started school, still using same cm nearly a decade later. I just want to say things will get better, my life is not comparable to how it was then. I won't lie, I had 2-3 years of a nightmare time but life is very good now and ds doing great

OhBut
Two important things to remember

• your childcare bills will vanish in the next few years and then your earnings will more than cover your costs

• if your ex is trying to use the courts to still manipulate you, that is the absolute proof you need that walking away was the best thing to do

Hang on in there, be strong, prove your "community" wrong

And i guess childcare and costs would be much cheaper in Yorkshire as well as support. Sounds really hard

I am sad to see that nothing much has changed in 30 years as I was in exactly this financial predicament then which resulted in my giving up work for a few years as getting in debt by a further £100+ each month was unsustainable.

I think moving for cheaper housing and nursery costs would be a good thing to do. Perhaps this preventative steps order thing might reflect light on the fact that the father is not paying half of the nursery fees.

I hope you find some way forward as it is indeed ridiculous that a teacher can't manage on their money.

This is probably a stupid question but would a childminder be cheaper than a nursery in London? Obviously it's your childcare bill that is crippling you. Or is there a possibility of doing some work from home (lesson planning etc) outside of your core teaching hours in the evenings so that you don't have to put DD in nursery for as many hours?

As a side point, have you considered registering to mark exam papers for extra cash? You can work in the evenings / weekends etc so be home with your DD so no need to get additional childcare.

As a side point can you eat leftover school meals whilst you are work? You must be near starving yourself to survive on £15 a week for food and toiletries for you and your DD.