Watching myself get more and more into debt and no idea what to do

[OhButWhatIfIFly]

Hi all, NC here as I don't want to be linked back to my previous threads, but I am a frequent user.

Go easy on me here, I really need some advice and I just don't know where to turn. I'm going to put in a bit of personal info here because I am really hoping there are some wise mumsnetters who can see the forest past all the trees, because I certainly can't. And I am sure that there are things I can do, but I'm not sure what they are.

I left my abusive husband 3 months ago and I've been with him since I left school 10 years ago. He controlled all our finances so this is my first bit of adulting and it's not going well. I work full time as a teacher and I have a middle management position. I live in a council flat and receive housing benefit (not a lot) and I get some money from Child Maintenance. In total, that makes my monthly income after deductions £2269.38. My rent is £664 per month, childcare £1648.48. I work 1h15m from home as I can't afford to live nearby and therefore use my car. Petrol costs £80 per month approx. Then I spend about £15pw on food and toiletries. This puts my basic outgoings at £2452.48. This means each month I lose £183.10. That's before my phone bill, additional childcare for Parents' Evenings etc.

I've applied to UC but don't get anything. I have no friends or family that could help out with childcare. And when I say no one, I really do mean I am doing this alone. DD is 20 months, so we are still a fair bit off the 30 free hours. I am trying to relocate up north, but no jobs are coming up for the subject I teach but I am looking as this may help. I could do something else, and have been looking at admin jobs, but a huge pay cut would still put me in the same position. Do you think a weekend job would help me out after the cost of weekend childcare (providing I can find one, as looking at childminders, there seem to be none in the area that work weekends)?

I just don't don't know what to do or where I can go for advice. Any ideas are welcome!

sheffield is about 2 hours 35 minutes from London York and Leeds are similar so it could be pushing it but an hour south of there should be OK

the child's interests come first the court will consider seeing her father as in her best interests they may not see 3 hours travelling on saturday and 3 hours travelling on a Sunday back home as in best interests of a 2 year old but 90 minutes each day would be fine
so maybe start looking with 90 minutes of London what is halfway between yorkshire and London and close to M1 or the main East coast railway
They also may make you responsible for taking your child to her father and fetching her back as you are the one moving

Just look at places along the East Coast Mainline like Peterborough, seriously quick into London and surely far more affordable?

York to Kings Cross is 1.5 hours
north south links are better than us southerners think
Durham is only 2.5 hours to London

You have to factor in King Cross to the area of London though plus cost. York is very expensive to live in too!

TBH the true point is that the OP's DH is trying to scare her with a silly attempt at a court order

if she moves to Yorkshire and in the process frees up a huge chunk of money and sanity

then a court would not block that "to the best outcome for the child"

SO

OP needs to look out for herself and all else will fall into place

Very odd that you get housing benefit on your salary.

Not really babyroobs in temporary accommodation.

Oh sorry I missed that !

What a ridiculous mess that a teacher working full time can’t support herself and one child. I’m so sorry OP. Well done for getting out of your relationship and hang on in there.

As a single parent I used to get up to 80% of my childcare costs back through working tax credits

I'm not sure why you say you're not entitled to any help.

I'd go talk to your local citizens advice centre as they are clued up on this stuff

Good luck

Makes me sad to read your post. Seems so unfair. Few options I'm not recommending this as such, but the only person I knew who got round similar, was she found an elderly local caring 'grandma' to look after her dd just until the free childcare kicked in and she got her into a nursery. But she did that right from birth, which wouldn't suit you because you'd then lose your current nursery place.

Honestly I feel for you, it just seems very unfair. Bastard ex the twat. It’s not a life long situation though, you will manage, you have to for your DD.

Thank you all for the kind words and advice. I'm trying to get through to the CAB but it is always withheld. Will keep trying and see if I can get an appointment

Contact your teaching union. They may have a hardship fund which you can access for a short period. Speak to a sympathetic member of the SLT at work so they are aware of the stress you are under. Good luck and well done for getting out of a damaging relationship.

Maybe for the future, I’m not sure teaching in an Independent school would help much as often the hours are longer but there are a few schools out there that go from nursery to sixth form and staff often get reduced fees

That is a huge childcare bill. What zone of London are you in? Even if you could move just a little further out I think you would see a huge reduction.

Below is a grant search. Wherever you move, you are going to need funds!

grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

OP have you looked into a discretionary housing payment? DHPs are pots of money to help people with rent costs. As long as you receive some Housing Benefit or Universal Credit Housing Element, you are eligible to apply for help with the shortfall between HB and actual rent costs.

Contact your council for further info. Any award is discretionary so there are no guarantees, but it's worth applying

Once she is 3 look at school nurseries that offer 30 hours with wrap around term time only. School nurseries that offer extended care are full of teachers children.

Much much cheaper.

Your childcare is £76 a day for 1 child?

Superlooper
Does that surprise you ? THat is CHEAP for a long day in London.

Are you getting any support from domestic violence services? They might be able to advise on benefits, the prohibitive steps, etc.
If you speak to women's aid they could sign post you. They usually have services they can refer to which deal with the financial impact and debt abuse can result in, too.

It might be worth switching to a different phone network. Both three and giffgaff have unlimited internet for £30-£35 and obviously if that creates an opportunity for greater earnings then that may be worth it. You can check your network coverage online as I know that it can vary greatly.

As regards your housing, they are allowed to keep you in emergency or temporary housing that has one bedroom less than you need. So if you need a 2 bed they can keep you in a 1 bed. So a studio is inappropriate unless it has a separate kitchen or living area. And yes you are right you can continue claiming housing benefit as it is not a long term address so doesn't effect UC. Even if you get £0 because of the deductions you could still be eligible for full child care support. But I know it's not that much, I couldn't afford to cover 1 child's actual fees with the amount id get for all 3 of my kids 🙄 That said I have found childminders cheaper and more accommodating than nursery so might be worth considering. One even offered to collect my children each morning! But they do vary greatly.

There are some places not far from London that are much cheaper to live in. Obviously not on par with the savings in Yorkshire though I am sure.

Good luck, I know it sucks right now (I am in a very similar situation) but things will get better and you are not alone. Remember to look after yourself and your mental health too. You have been through the mill and I'm sure that financial concerns are just feeling like the icing on a big old cake of stresses but kids grow up, the council will eventually move you or you'll find a way to move away if you want to. It will come right. I believe it for you. As I said I was in a very similar situation, and it was hell I thought that I was never going to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm seeing it now, little flashes at a time. It's a battle, but you have done the right thing leaving and the universe or God or whatever you believe in will see right to provide a better future for you.

Surprise me? No, I'm in complete shock. How long of a day? That's £20,000 a year for 1 child...is it £40,000 for 2? What wages must you earn to afford 3 children?

Hello OP

Just a quick line to say- I’m in the exact same position.

Childcare costs are lower, and I too have a good salary as I’m a senior producer in a creative industry, but I also have debt from relocation from London to Yorkshire, furnishing a house etc. after relationship breakdown when my son was 9 months old, and of course the nursery fees.
I get no maintenance from my ex.

Working means ive I’ve lost money every single month. Every month.

I’m persevering though, and we’re now 5 nursery payments away from free childcare .

The amount of debt I’m in is frightening (approx £25k across credit cards and loans) BUT once nursery fees end, it will be manageable (I move debt around for low interest) and I can pay it off faster.

I’m trying to look at this as an investment. I have good earning potential and have been headhunted for a very well paid role, because I stayed in work, and changed careers slightly, and previous experience gave me an edge in my new field.
Turned it down as too much pressure when DS is still under 3- but it’s given me hope that this is temporary, and an investment in our future.

I’m sorry this is so hard for you too. I know how you feel. On all of it. And just wanted to say - you’ll get through it. We both will. Debt is only that- debt. Nothing more, nothing less. I know that’s a bit of an odd thought, but try and keep perspective.

So the twat needs to start coughing up some childcare costs.
So mad on your behalf.