We're never going to agree

[mumderland]

I don't post regularly but this is really starting to get me down.
Bit of back story - I've been a sahm for the past 5 years. Hoping to go back to work once DC2 is old enough for 15 free hours next year. So we're on one wage. All money goes in to one pot then we have 2 help to buy isa which we don't dip in to. No other savings. No money of "my own".
I'm pretty good with money but H isn't so. Most of the time he's quite relaxed and I don't make any huge purchases without consulting him first. The most I spend is on food shopping, which I keep to the bare minimum. Then I buy bits and bobs for the kids here and there and with it being the summer holidays the food shop has been a bit more than usual, as expected. I never buy myself anything apart from the odd cheap book, I don't buy clothes shoes etc without asking first. Even then I have to justify it.
He says it's "our" money but then he goes all Jekyll and Hyde by making it clear it's his money.
So in regards to the account as everything goes in one pot and all our bills are DD it makes sense to me that all money should stay in the account to cover them then any other purchases are made with the card. But, he keeps withdrawing money cause he "needs" to? It's been happening for ages. Now if he was actually using that money to cover the drinks he buys in the cafe at work and lunch then I'd understand it. Yet I've checked the account this morning and he's still using the card in the cafe?
Sorry this is long.
So I text him this morning (he's currently on tour) saying I'm not getting at your but can you just explain to me why you withdrew money but are still using the card in the cafe? I got a text back saying I've pissed him off (we are a none swearing family so the fact that he's swore at me has upset me, he's never done it before). He said if I still want access to money then I should be careful about asking him those questions and if I carry on he'll restrict my access like our friend and his wife do.
He regularly reminds me that no one he works with has a joint account and their wives get an allowance. I just say I don't really care what other people do what works for them works for them.
I just can't cope with the Jekyll and Hyde thing. One minute he's saying when he's back we all can have a treat then he has a go at me for spending a little extra on food shopping 🤷🏽‍♀️
I've said to him when I'm back at work I'll happily go back to separate accounts so he will be better off but he says no? It's like he just wants to be in control of it all.

Also with him being on tour I've been opening his important looking post just in case it's anything that needs actioning before he's back and I opened his credit card statement (which I have no access to) to find he's spending money on iTunes on a game he plays. I'm not about to tell him what he can and can't spend his money on, it's just the fact he's changed the payment method to the credit card that he knows I can't see. When I asked about that he had a go at me about opening his post, which he had asked me to do!

If you get through all that thank you! Just after some advice really x

Wtf.
He's threatening to abuse you.
There is no way I'd let my dh speak to me like that. Not that he would!
What is he actually threatening to cut you off from - grocery money? Let him do the shop if so.

Presumably you made the decision together for you to be a sahm? His finances are the family's finances. He can pay for childcare if he'd rather.

Thanks for replying.
While he's been away I've been spending £50 a week on food for me and 2 DC but this week it's been £64 with DS being off and he eats a lot. This is online groceries too so it's hard to get it much cheaper as they don't have all the "savers" products available. And I have to spend at least £40 anyway to actually get it delivered.
We did both agree that I would stay home but mainly because he doesn't want to pay childcare costs. I feel like a glorified nanny at times.
We've been together for 11 years and this only started once I left work. I've spoken to him about going back to work and he always comes up with an excuse like his job (he has a very serious job in the army, he's away a lot and does a lot of courses and is on call quite regularly)
He would never do the food shopping 🙄

Honestly if I’m in your shoes, I’ll just go back to work now and you both can sort out paying childcare. This is no way to live. I assume you both made the decision for you to stay at home yet you have no spending money but he gets to do as he pleases because he’s the one ‘working’.
Being a sahm is not working in this case and you’ll be financially better off if you’re working ( because the childcare cost will come from both of your earnings, not just yours). Then he’ll realise that how much you staying at home is saving him.

My ex was like this.
Honestly, it comes down to the fact that he would rather money be spent on gaming than feeding or clothing his family.
I eventually went back to work part-time which helped, but I left in the end. I’m not very good at saying what I want and let this fester for years. So make it clear to him and. One up with a plan or compromise.

I'll never be able to earn a lot because I'll need a term time job. We have no family nearby to help with childcare, it's all on us. This is one of the reasons I stay at home. DD should be able to get 15 hours free next September so I don't know if to just stick it out until then?

I've since blocked him on WhatsApp cause I refuse to be spoken to like that. I get he has a stressful job but it's no reason to be so disrespectful

I recently mentioned retraining (I'm only qualified in admin) and maybe going back to uni while the kids are young and he said if I do it better not cost him anything. Then he started with "it'll be more time out of work" even though he doesn't want me to work. This is exhausting.

You better watch what you say or else?
Who does he think he is? You get quizzed for spending £14 extra on food but he can do what he likes?
Time for a serious talk, this is no way to live.

Find out what full time nursery will cost in your area. Then text him to say “if I’m not allowed access to family money then I will need to go back to work. Your half of the childcare is £X. Then we each have our own money once that and all the other bills are paid. If you don’t want to pay childcare, and expect me to stay home to provide it instead then you are preventing me from working. If I cannot work then I cannot earn my own money. Your wage is therefore a family wage, you provide the financial support and I provide the childcare support. We are a team. That money is equal. You need to choose. You either pay half the childcare costs, and I go back to work to have my own money or I stay home and save us both £X a month. If I do that, then you need to provide the family with money with no threats or restrictions.”

This is no way to live, and if I can suggest that you go full throttle into planning for financial freedom long-term.

His behaviour is erratic and there are a number of red flags raised in your post. Money in relationships can be about power and control.

Do you think you could manage the time and commitment to retrain? Admin is great - but what about a career that pays well. You can use your children's early years to train, get experience and then once they're in secondary school you will have more time and an opportunity to grow a career - if you want to.

You are facilitating his career atm but this could go very wrong for you. So please make plans.

He wasn't happy that I spent money at the zoo on some lunch for DS, a book and a umbrella! £4 lunch, £8 umbrella and £6 book. He's been asking for an umbrella for ages.
Yet H spent over £300 on Lego before he went away! And I'm not allowed to say anything.
I'm not talking to him today cause I'm fuming. If his attitude doesn't change then I just don't know where this marriage is going

do you not get child benefit?
I couldnt bear that
what happens if you want to go out for the day?
ice creams
swimming?

He sounds like a total dickhead. Leave him

do you have access to cash?
i would get cash out for the week

I think you need a talk, when he is back, he sounds like a caveman

@Teaandcrisps I hate admin so I never really wanted to go back to it. But needing a term time job my options are limited. I wanted to go to uni and get a qualification as a teaching assistant as the course is only a year long but he just says how will you do it with looking after the kids all day etc etc. I may as well be a single parent.
It does annoy me my life revolves around his job. This is why we're saving for a deposit on a house so I can be near family. Although that's never gonna happen if we never agree on money. And honestly I don't want to be tied to a mortgage with him until I can trust him

dont open his post, dont question is credit card use, with his attitude it is bound to cause problems.

I think that's your answer mumder - regardless of what the outcome with your OH is - get on that course and be absolutely focused on prioritising that.

Whatever negotiations you have about money has to include his support of your course too. If he cant agree your terms then at least you know where you stand.

Sorry your going thru this - and hold onto that rage to move this conversation forward.

His attitude isn't just going to change. You need to sit down and spell it out to him or you need to leave. You will get help towards childcare costs as a single parent, and you can move in with your family until you get yourself on your feet and everything set up. You will get help with housing and childcare, and your wages would cover the rest. And your get child maintenance from him which sounds like it would be a decent amount. Do it. See if he makes any effort to get you back.

I agree with the Investigator. Either he changes his mindset and understands this is family money, not his money or he pays his fair share of childcare and a higher proportion of bills to reflect the fact you can only work term time due to ongoing childcare needs.

(My guess is he won't. My guess is that he will also ignore all contact from the child maintenance service for as long as he can.)

You will be better off without him. It will only get worse as your son gets older and needs more things.

He thinks you not earning money means he has you where he wants you, and he is already openly using money or the threat of its withdrawal to attempt to control you. That already is financial abuse. He thinks him being the earner makes him the senior partner/master in the relationship. It may be you soon won't be able to do right for doing wrong - he'll complain you're not earning, but he'll make any moves you make towards earning (and therefore financial independence) as difficult for you as possible.

You're right, this is no good. I think you need to make clear to him that unless his attitude changes you won't be sticking around. If he gets to question you, you get to question him (and it does sound as if you are on a tight budget, so his financial freedoms may be problematic for you).

In whose name are the savings?

We do get child benefit but that goes straight in to their savings. Only I have access to that.
Family are 2 hours away and my mum and her partner work full time. I wouldn't want to burden them. Plus I'd be carless as he legally owns my car which is on finance for another couple of years.
Apart from this problem he's a brilliant dad and for the most part a good husband. I'd rather work on it before making a drastic decision to leave him.
I'm currently searching for term time jobs but there aren't a great deal. I will look in to the teaching assistant course more though so I can better myself and my career.

Please don't say he's a brilliant dad. He is financially abusing you and that has a huge impact on the children. A brilliant dad wouldn't do that. He might be good at rough and tumble or whatever, but there is MUCH more to being a brilliant dad than that.

@CatteStreet I'm never allowed to question him. He gets to spend what he wants and I understand his to some degree but it's a one way street. I will be having a talk with him when he's back. I'm not gonna bring it up again while he's away cause I don't want it to affect his concentration while doing his job.
Money isn't right as such, it just all gets spent. And £400 a month goes in to each help to buy isa. We each have one. So my htb and my DC savings are in my name. But all the money in the htb is technically his