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Original poster

We're never going to agree

72 replies

mumderland · 29/07/2019 08:41

I don't post regularly but this is really starting to get me down.
Bit of back story - I've been a sahm for the past 5 years. Hoping to go back to work once DC2 is old enough for 15 free hours next year. So we're on one wage. All money goes in to one pot then we have 2 help to buy isa which we don't dip in to. No other savings. No money of "my own".
I'm pretty good with money but H isn't so. Most of the time he's quite relaxed and I don't make any huge purchases without consulting him first. The most I spend is on food shopping, which I keep to the bare minimum. Then I buy bits and bobs for the kids here and there and with it being the summer holidays the food shop has been a bit more than usual, as expected. I never buy myself anything apart from the odd cheap book, I don't buy clothes shoes etc without asking first. Even then I have to justify it.
He says it's "our" money but then he goes all Jekyll and Hyde by making it clear it's his money.
So in regards to the account as everything goes in one pot and all our bills are DD it makes sense to me that all money should stay in the account to cover them then any other purchases are made with the card. But, he keeps withdrawing money cause he "needs" to? It's been happening for ages. Now if he was actually using that money to cover the drinks he buys in the cafe at work and lunch then I'd understand it. Yet I've checked the account this morning and he's still using the card in the cafe?
Sorry this is long.
So I text him this morning (he's currently on tour) saying I'm not getting at your but can you just explain to me why you withdrew money but are still using the card in the cafe? I got a text back saying I've pissed him off (we are a none swearing family so the fact that he's swore at me has upset me, he's never done it before). He said if I still want access to money then I should be careful about asking him those questions and if I carry on he'll restrict my access like our friend and his wife do.
He regularly reminds me that no one he works with has a joint account and their wives get an allowance. I just say I don't really care what other people do what works for them works for them.
I just can't cope with the Jekyll and Hyde thing. One minute he's saying when he's back we all can have a treat then he has a go at me for spending a little extra on food shopping 🤷🏽‍♀️
I've said to him when I'm back at work I'll happily go back to separate accounts so he will be better off but he says no? It's like he just wants to be in control of it all.

Also with him being on tour I've been opening his important looking post just in case it's anything that needs actioning before he's back and I opened his credit card statement (which I have no access to) to find he's spending money on iTunes on a game he plays. I'm not about to tell him what he can and can't spend his money on, it's just the fact he's changed the payment method to the credit card that he knows I can't see. When I asked about that he had a go at me about opening his post, which he had asked me to do!

If you get through all that thank you! Just after some advice really x

OP posts:

stucknoue · 29/07/2019 13:36

If he's army there's family advisors who can help you, a combination of the job they do, the kind of people that choose the army as a career and being away means they are used to having a lot of family problems. I would seriously having an exit plan based on his text, it's financial control - you are certainly not alone.

bumblebeejockstrap · 29/07/2019 13:37

What a nasty text, he is clearly abusive, not just financially. Even if he is under pressure, he should never, never imply it is your fault, if he gets injured.

If you are married shouldn't you split assets in case you part.

MrsBobDylan · 29/07/2019 13:39

Also, I notice in his text the way he refers to the kids as 'his'. I think it is safe to assume that he owns everything in his marriage - wife, dc and money. Fucker.

Berthatydfil · 29/07/2019 13:50

If he is threatening suicide perhaps you should refer that to his unit ? And tell them it’s because you ate being financially abused. Hmmm wonder what he would say then?

Tell him any allowance will need to be at least equivalent to the CMS amount you would get and if you split you would get half the savings and a share of his army pension.

Teaandcrisps · 29/07/2019 14:16

OP I'm so sorry that this has escalated so quickly, and it looks like you are already getting many answers to the questions you have obviously been having.

Are you able to access the HTB or savings?
Do you have close friends to talk to IRL?
In many ways you have until November to plan.

I'm sorry it doesn't look like you have an independent and fulfilling future with this man.

Raver84 · 29/07/2019 14:26

What do u see in that man? He's a bell end. Leave him. He's abusive.

mrsw2 · 29/07/2019 14:29

He sounds like a prick , sorry. I'd leave (I have) it's so stressful not knowing what money you're getting. Even if you were on benefits , at least you would know what you're getting. It's difficult to train as a single parent , but it is possible (I've done it ) and if you stay he'll just grind you down.
Also , there is help available to pay for training costs which you pay back when earning over a certain amount. Good luck
Don't let the children see this behaviour growing up, they'll think it's ok.

QforCucumber · 29/07/2019 14:34

You CAN leave.

You do NOT need a term time only job, plenty of single parents work year round. If you're working over 16 hours you DD will get 30 hours free childcare when she turns 3 not only 15 hours too.

QforCucumber · 29/07/2019 14:34

The maintenance he'd have to pay towards the kids would be more than he 'allows' you to have now

Sooverthemill · 29/07/2019 14:52

Answer these questions for yourself: Who is the registered keeper of the car? Whose name if finance in? How much is in the ISA and the savings accounts you have control of ( the kids). These are potentially all sources of finance for you. MOD has excellent family/ welfare advisors and they will be very used to situations like this. Go and see them. Put together a plan. Look for work, explore course, childcare options. Where are your family? Could you go to see them? Is DH abroad on tour at the moment?

popehilarious · 29/07/2019 15:32

He's disgusting and acts like he's 11 years old. That text - how on earth is he not mortified to send that to someone he supposedly loves and respects? He makes himself look like an absolute twat.
I don't say LTB very often but in your shoes I'd be making plans to leave as soon as humanly possible. What a dickhead.

popehilarious · 29/07/2019 15:34

My response would be "don't do something weird then, you idiot. You're in full control of your own actions, as you well know."

LittleDoritt · 29/07/2019 15:49

Jesus Christ, run for the hills.

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 16:20

Thank you all for replying. I've since told him a few home truths, how I really feel living this life and how it is for me having no life at all. He didn't realise how unhappy I was. He's apologised. Many other issues have surfaced because of this now. And he now knows I feel taken for granted, I feel like a maid, I never get to have a life of my own. He asked if we should separate and I said if he doesn't change then we will have to cause I can't go on like this.
So there isn't much we can do for now until he's back then we can talk about it properly and put a plan in place. All I want is not to be questioned on every purchase I make

OP posts:

flirtygirl · 29/07/2019 16:51

There is lots you need to do before he is back. You have time and space to plan a life if he doesn't change but also one if he does.

Either way you need things to change. Between now and November you have time to research and sort things out.

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 17:09

I've told him we have a lot to work on. I don't want to break up a family just over money. At least he knows now that if things don't change then I will leave

OP posts:

needsome · 29/07/2019 17:32

At least it's a step in a direction OP.

But if you can I would strongly advise you to make a solid get out plan before he comes back. He might change and realise what he has but there is also a high chance he will play the part for a bit to keep you sweet then revert back to his old ways or even do something (like cut you off access to money) behind your back and you will be blindsided and in a difficult situation.

Squirrel some money away (if you can), make sure you know where passports and birth certificates are etc.

EKGEMS · 29/07/2019 17:38

I'd have already arranged for movers to pack up and get the hell out of dodge and back to your family. A leopard doesn't change his spots,OP. He needs a shrink who enjoys a challenge. Good luck

Teaandcrisps · 29/07/2019 18:14

That's great news mumder and decisive action. As PP have said, use your time to plan YOUR life. Your OH now needs to earn you trust back but in the meantime I'm sorry to say that you cant trust him with your future.

You need immediate access to money so this will be the test.

In the meantime, well done and dont let up.

PickledGulag · 29/07/2019 18:52

LTB

Scarfaceclaw21 · 29/07/2019 20:38

My DH was in the forces for years... Never spoke to me like that once, nevermind how stressful his job is, there is no excuse.

Use the time he is away to have a really long think about what you and the kids get from being together. List what you think great husbands and dad's do, then compare him.

If my DH spend £300 on himself and begrudged getting our child lunch out in the summer hols I would be seriously considering leaving.

wildcherries · 30/07/2019 22:43

You wouldn't be splitting over money, though. You'd be splitting because of emotional blackmail and general lack of respect for you and the role you have in the family.

He's apologised, that's a start. I'd keep an eye out for whether he actually listens when you have the talk and act accordingly, or if this initial apology was to placate you.

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