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Original poster

We're never going to agree

72 replies

mumderland · 29/07/2019 08:41

I don't post regularly but this is really starting to get me down.
Bit of back story - I've been a sahm for the past 5 years. Hoping to go back to work once DC2 is old enough for 15 free hours next year. So we're on one wage. All money goes in to one pot then we have 2 help to buy isa which we don't dip in to. No other savings. No money of "my own".
I'm pretty good with money but H isn't so. Most of the time he's quite relaxed and I don't make any huge purchases without consulting him first. The most I spend is on food shopping, which I keep to the bare minimum. Then I buy bits and bobs for the kids here and there and with it being the summer holidays the food shop has been a bit more than usual, as expected. I never buy myself anything apart from the odd cheap book, I don't buy clothes shoes etc without asking first. Even then I have to justify it.
He says it's "our" money but then he goes all Jekyll and Hyde by making it clear it's his money.
So in regards to the account as everything goes in one pot and all our bills are DD it makes sense to me that all money should stay in the account to cover them then any other purchases are made with the card. But, he keeps withdrawing money cause he "needs" to? It's been happening for ages. Now if he was actually using that money to cover the drinks he buys in the cafe at work and lunch then I'd understand it. Yet I've checked the account this morning and he's still using the card in the cafe?
Sorry this is long.
So I text him this morning (he's currently on tour) saying I'm not getting at your but can you just explain to me why you withdrew money but are still using the card in the cafe? I got a text back saying I've pissed him off (we are a none swearing family so the fact that he's swore at me has upset me, he's never done it before). He said if I still want access to money then I should be careful about asking him those questions and if I carry on he'll restrict my access like our friend and his wife do.
He regularly reminds me that no one he works with has a joint account and their wives get an allowance. I just say I don't really care what other people do what works for them works for them.
I just can't cope with the Jekyll and Hyde thing. One minute he's saying when he's back we all can have a treat then he has a go at me for spending a little extra on food shopping 🤷🏽‍♀️
I've said to him when I'm back at work I'll happily go back to separate accounts so he will be better off but he says no? It's like he just wants to be in control of it all.

Also with him being on tour I've been opening his important looking post just in case it's anything that needs actioning before he's back and I opened his credit card statement (which I have no access to) to find he's spending money on iTunes on a game he plays. I'm not about to tell him what he can and can't spend his money on, it's just the fact he's changed the payment method to the credit card that he knows I can't see. When I asked about that he had a go at me about opening his post, which he had asked me to do!

If you get through all that thank you! Just after some advice really x

OP posts:

Teaandcrisps · 29/07/2019 10:14

I think it's all down to the conversation you need to have with him OP whether he is a great husband. Suppressing your needs because it works for him and his career is not great husband material.

Great that you want to give him a chance- but I genuinely worry that long term you dont get the balance back that is right, or that the situation spiros quickly back to where it is now. In the meantime, your confidence goes, you have no access to money, no financial independence and no career.

This is a pretty important time in your life and I really hope you convey this in no uncertain terms to your OH. Do you know what you want from him?

Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 10:14

A brilliant dad doesn’t grudge his son a £4 lunch

HorridHenrysNits · 29/07/2019 10:16

He isn't behaving in the way brilliant dads behave.

bumblebeejockstrap · 29/07/2019 10:41

Oh they are always brilliant dads aren't they? Does that mean he plays with the dcs when home, or does he tend to their every need without being selfish? No?

What you need to agree on is an equal allowance for both of you (pocket money) and the rest divided between savings and household spendings.

(Financial abuse is a thing, you know)

EleanorReally · 29/07/2019 11:03

you need to change so the savings goes from his account and the child benefit goes to you! no point making yourself hard up unnecessarily

combatbarbie · 29/07/2019 11:10

Well I'm the military breadwinner in our house, DH is self employed and only been up and running a year.... My job is important and I am on call, have to work late at times etc but our money is pooled, we discuss big purchases. We also work as a team for our children with school holidays, after school Clubs, we pay for childcare 2 days a week and try and make summer clubs to be 2 weeks....

He sounds like a knob OP....

I would def consider going back to work and regaining your own financial independence and rethinking your future!!

newnamewhosthis · 29/07/2019 11:11

He is abusing you OP what kind of decent father grudges his child an 8 quid umbrella but can spend £300 in LEGO

Does that sound like a good parent to you? How many trips to the Zoo, days out etc could that money have bought?

You will get financial help if your a loan parent look at the entitled to website and work it and make a plan.

Take your children and leave him there is no way I would be dictated to like that.

newnamewhosthis · 29/07/2019 11:13

*lone

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 11:39

He's since text me asking why I've blocked him on WhatsApp and he still wants to know how the kids are (no apology for swearing at me). I said because I'm not receiving messages like that, I'm not arguing with him and when he's back we need to have a big talk and the kids are fine. He replied saying nice thanks and that if I'd read the messages after then he was explaining himself. I said we're getting ready to take the dog out so we'll talk later and he said don't bother.
I just feel sick thinking about all this 😔

OP posts:

CatteStreet · 29/07/2019 11:47

He doesn't like you standing up for yourself. That's not good.

Hold on to your very clear sense of what's right here. He doesn't get to threaten withdrawal of funds as if you were a child having their pocket money stopped.
I suspect some of his colleagues are putting ideas into his head, considering his comments, and he's trying to keep you in line by saying 'look, I'm nicer than they are but i can do it like they do if I please'. No.

You need to have a very robust conversation and I do think you need to be prepared to walk if necessary.

CatteStreet · 29/07/2019 11:48

Oh, and don't sign over or agree to withdrawal of any of those savings that are in your name.

MrsBobDylan · 29/07/2019 11:59

Am so sorry op, but he isn't a nice person at all. He is financially abusing you and threatening more abuse when you show any hint of not letting him walk all over you.

I don't know how you manage to feed yourself and two dc on £50 a week. His wage is your wage. He wants to keep you in 'your place' and he sees your place as in the wrong.

He is also really wrong about how most couples manage money. They share it equally. I worked until recently when I became a sahm, We both spend what we want to but agree a budget together.

He won't change or improve. If anything, he is getting worse. He sounds bullying and aggressive.

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2019 12:03

Oh OP he sounds awful I’m afraid and not a good dad or husband

Sooverthemill · 29/07/2019 12:12

He sounds truly awful. If he is abusive lie this to you he isn't a good father. My suggestion is you get yourself qualified. I have no idea about HLTA courses but I googled and found this which costs £599 and you can pay in instalments ( I would use the money you have in the ISA) . You'd need to check it genuinely is recognised by schools etc but it's a place to start. While studying you can fit it around the kids I think as it's distance learning. Could you volunteer at a local school? I think you need to plan to be on your own without him. If he's in the army is there a welfare person you can speak to about child care?

haveuheard · 29/07/2019 12:36

Have you looked at how much TAs get paid? If you are likely to soon end up a single parent I wouldn't spend money on something that qualifies you to do a job that earns little more than min wage. For a term time job you'd probably be better off getting an admin job in a uni/college/school or local authority department related to education.

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 12:38

I'm actually shaking. He's said when he's back he will be taking full control of his money and giving me an allowance. And he expects an apology from me??? I don't even know where we go from here

OP posts:

Chickencellar · 29/07/2019 12:46

I would put plans together to leave , I'm not sure you can have a chat and sort that level of abuse out. Was he always like this maybe something on tour has affected him , he may need professional help.

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 12:52

He's only really been this way since I became a sahm

OP posts:

NewYoiker · 29/07/2019 12:53

You need to leave him. He's horrible. Do you mean tour as in military or tour as in music? Not that it really matters tbh. He's abusing you

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 12:54

If I leave I won't even have a car cause he pays for it all and he technically owns my car. He said I'm not trapped cause I have access to everything except I don't and I get questioned all the time about what I spend

OP posts:

Original poster

mumderland · 29/07/2019 12:54

@NewYoiker tour as in army, back in November

OP posts:

foreverhanging · 29/07/2019 13:00

Op honestly I would be using this opportunity to leave. Please please do.

stucknoue · 29/07/2019 13:29

I would advise returning to work as soon as you can find something suitable, his attitude is very worrying and you could find yourself penniless. Don't know how strong your relationship is but I would be concerned that money is the tip of the iceberg.

Childcare is expensive but as long as you earn more than the fees you are rebuilding your career, and if the worst happens and you are left alone with the kids you would get help towards childcare costs

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2019 13:34

So he is now emotionally blackmailing you

OH OP this is difficult because I suspect if you truly thought about it this has been happening for awhile and not just financially

MrsBobDylan · 29/07/2019 13:34

He is emotionally blackmailing you by saying that if you question him on how he's spending shared money again, it may actually lead to his death.

You cannot discuss anything with this man. I am scared if you do that he will ramp up his coercive behaviour and you will have even less independence than you already do.

Like others I think you should start planning for a future without him. Keep that htb USA and the kids savings in your name and start looking at getting a job/training but don't share any of it with him.

Keep yourself safe.

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