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Original poster

Anyone received an inheritance and felt guilty or upset?

57 replies

Towerofjoyless · 22/07/2019 20:00

My DF passed away suddenly in the spring and I have just today received word from my solicitor that she will very soon be completing the forms to apply for confirmation (we are in Scotland). I am unsure of the exact worth of the estate as it includes collectables and we were given a basic figure from the valuer but told it's likely to be worth more.

There may be enough there to pay off my mortgage, but at the very least I will be able to use it for things that would have taken years to save for, such as a new kitchen, loft extension, put cash by for the kids in their savings accounts etc. But I'm feeling awful about this - how can I look every day at a nice new kitchen, or loft and know it was the passing of a loved one that made these things possible??

I know it's still early days and the full inheritance value won't be realised, but am feeling shitty about it all nonetheless.

Has anyone else been in this position?

OP posts:

Original poster

Towerofjoyless · 22/07/2019 20:01

Full value wont be realised for a while, I meant!

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/07/2019 20:09

I've never had any inheritance but I can certainly understand how you feel. Try to reframe it and think about how much your Father would have loved to see you stable and settled and in a house you loved.

mummmy2017 · 22/07/2019 20:13

Your dad loved you.
He would want to be able to enrich your life, now he can't be there to hold your hand

HighwayCat · 22/07/2019 20:16

I’m in a similar position, although it wasn’t an unexpected death. Every time something about the estate comes up it upsets me - not in an obvious way, but I just feel unsettled and sad and have realised it’s a pattern. So maybe things are feeling particularly acute because you heard today? We have most of the money now, and are using some of it for work in the house. I’m hoping once it’s done I’ll be able to look at it and think of it as a present from DF which we’ve been able to do thanks to him. I would much rather still have him, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be pleased we can do this without getting into debt especially as it’s something he’d have approved of. It’s certainly bittersweet, but I imagine how I’d feel if it was my kids and I wouldn’t want them to feel guilty.

ListeningQuietly · 22/07/2019 22:15

I have items of furniture that I inherited from family members.
I would rather that the furniture was still at their houses and they were still alive
but I look at what I have and focus on happy memories

Original poster

Towerofjoyless · 23/07/2019 06:32

Thanks for your kind words everyone. It's all still very raw atm and often I catch myself realising he's no longer here and it just feels weird and wrong

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 23/07/2019 15:41

Buy something for yourself from the money that will give you pleasure each and every time you use it. I bought a handbag with money left from my dgm. She wouldn't have approved, but it gives me pleasure to use it, and I think of her every time I do.

Pamplem00se · 24/07/2019 18:57

My mum committed suicide 18 months ago in particularly horrific circumstances. I inherited 200k.... we used it for a big house move and I bought a hideously expensive pair of earrings I adore. I still feel very very guilty but I know that making it work for our family was a positive thing in a horrible situation. X

Original poster

Towerofjoyless · 25/07/2019 06:43

for pample and everyone else who has suffered losses. I'm not sure what I would buy for myself tbh. With 2 DC i have gotten out of the habit of buying for just me!

OP posts:

Magmatic80 · 25/07/2019 06:48

Please don’t feel guilty, your DF wanted you to have this money to enrich your life. Try to look at your new kitchen and feel grateful he was able to give you this gift, and that if he could see it, he would be pleased you can use it well.

My DF left me a house deposit, and it took me a while to use it as I felt the same, but now I love my house more because he ‘helped’.

for you

VictoriaBun · 25/07/2019 06:51

I was left a life changing amount 5+ years ago, and are yet to spend any of it.

ParadigmGiraffe · 25/07/2019 06:54

I inherited quite a bit from my mum. Who died afte4 a long illness. I did a few things thatbli8king back were guilt related, like taking friends out fi4 a meal and paying.

But i used it to pay off mortgage for security and sh3 soul£ hav3 wanted that. To know I felt secure.

cptartapp · 25/07/2019 07:02

My DM was killed in a car accident three years ago. Only in her 60's. I've invested most of the inheritance so I can retire early and see the world. She was always on holiday! I like to think she would approve.

SonEtLumiere · 25/07/2019 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Constance1234 · 25/07/2019 07:17

I am in your position OP. Obviously everyone will know you’d rather have your parents than the money, but I’m sure they would have wanted you to be happy and I know in my Dad’s case (my mum passed away many years ago) he would have been thrilled that our lives have been made easier. I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost my beloved dad suddenly at the beginning of the year, and while it’ll never truly be ok, things do get easier x

Lindy2 · 25/07/2019 07:23

I inherited from my nan. The sum was enough to pay off my mortgage.
I actually cried a little in the bank whilst I was writing out the cheque and completing the forms to pay it off.
That was over 10 years ago now and I know my nan and my grandad who died before her, would be happy about the financial security they had been able to provide for me and their grandchildren.

Lepetitpiggy · 25/07/2019 07:28

I inherited a small amount from my mum who died in February. It has meant we can have a new kitchen and bathroom and go on a few holidays.
I feel sad and guilty almost every day as she scrolled and saved so her life and bought herself nothing in the last few years. However, I try to temper it with how much she wpuld have loved to see us happy and having a good time.
My sister who ignored and loathed mum for the past 7 years also inherited some. I have no idea how she can live with herself for accepting it, but that's another story.

Lllot5 · 25/07/2019 07:29

So if the money doesn’t come to you where will it go to?
The state? Not sure that’s a more deserving cause.
When you look at your new kitchen, loft extension or whatever you decide to use the money for try to think that this is what your df intended.

secretrugbyfan · 25/07/2019 08:12

OP, I feel your pain. My Mom died and her estate passed to me. It was a sufficient sum of money that we could have used to stay in our old house and have hardly any mortgage or move to a bigger house....we moved, but for ages I felt really bad as I had not 'earned' the money to pay for the new house. I guess a lot of this must be due to the values you place on yourself, and I personally have always been of the mindset that you earn to provide, so when it is handed to you on a plate, it is difficult to accept. I would give it all away to have more time with my Mom.

Interestingly, I wouldn't think the same about a lottery win....again I suppose because I have earned the money to pay for the ticket so if I win, then I win.

The feelings will get easier over time (my Mom died in 2012).....just look after yourself and your loved ones and remember the happy times with your Father.

heidbuttsupper · 25/07/2019 08:17

My husband died last January, suicide also in horrific circumstances @Pamplem00se (hugs) I received a payment last July and have been unable to touch it. I have put it away in a high interest account for 3 years. I just can't face it.

YouJustDoYou · 25/07/2019 08:20

My step mother took everything for herself when my dad died. My brother 15 years later is still working 12 hour days, 6 days a week to save for a deposit for a house. The inheritence would've got him on the housing ladder straight away - as it is, he's missed out on life a lot. I would say, it's a blessing that your dad would not want you to have missed out on - it's a thing that, yes, has come out of sadness, but, there's no shame in accepting the financial help this will bring to your life.

bluejelly · 25/07/2019 08:41

I inherited £100k 2 years ago. I gave a chunk to charity (Refuge) and went on a once in a lifetime holiday. The rest will go on our new house.
Don't feel guilty OP. As long as you spend it/invest it wisely (rather than blowing it in a casino or similar) you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Boulezvous · 25/07/2019 08:52

Condolences OP. My mother died suddenly and it came as a big shock. It takes a long time to get over it and life in the first 6 months will feel a muddy blur.

Don't feel guilty about the money. I know from my father who is still alive but soon to be 90 that the thought that whatever he leaves us when he dies will help us and our families is one that gives him great comfort and satisfaction. If he could choose to spend it on us directly he would choose to pay off mortgages, improve family homes or to fund holidays and spoiling ourselves. It's hard to face your own death but a nice thought that you can leave such a significant gift.

Enjoy using it and know that's exactly what they wanted.

Swishyswash · 25/07/2019 09:00

I'm in a similar situation. My mother died 6 months ago after a long illness. We're nearly through the probate process.

My brother and I are due to inherit a serious amount of money. Every time we need to speak to the solicitor or do anything relating to her estate it feels very wrong. I feel so mercenary.

DH and I have started planning what to do with the money but I don't like it.

FinallyHere · 25/07/2019 10:39

The older I get, the more I find myself luckily with no real wants and enough to comfortably cover my needs. I increasingly look forward to passing on something to the next generation.

I'm sure that your DF was proud to pass on and would want you to enjoy it and use it wisely.

Of course, you would rather have DF but meanwhile ... don't beat yourself up.

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