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Original poster

Anyone received an inheritance and felt guilty or upset?

57 replies

Towerofjoyless · 22/07/2019 20:00

My DF passed away suddenly in the spring and I have just today received word from my solicitor that she will very soon be completing the forms to apply for confirmation (we are in Scotland). I am unsure of the exact worth of the estate as it includes collectables and we were given a basic figure from the valuer but told it's likely to be worth more.

There may be enough there to pay off my mortgage, but at the very least I will be able to use it for things that would have taken years to save for, such as a new kitchen, loft extension, put cash by for the kids in their savings accounts etc. But I'm feeling awful about this - how can I look every day at a nice new kitchen, or loft and know it was the passing of a loved one that made these things possible??

I know it's still early days and the full inheritance value won't be realised, but am feeling shitty about it all nonetheless.

Has anyone else been in this position?

OP posts:

Firebreathingwoman · 25/07/2019 10:47

Sorry for your loss.
I think it's absolutely human to feel like this.
I paid off our mortgage with inheritance from my late parents and felt terrible about it. I can remember the building society person congratulating me for being mortgage free (she didn't know why), and I just wanted to cry.
It feels better now time has gone on, but I'd rather have my parents here with me.

Shmithecat2 · 25/07/2019 10:50

I imagine that your DF would be so happy that the inheritance might have made your life a little bit easier. Be kind to yourself.

FamilyOfAliens · 25/07/2019 11:03

I inherited my aunt’s entire estate in May. I had no idea she’d named me as the sole beneficiary in her will as I’d never seen it. I was shocked by how much it was.

She was widowed and had no children, and had fallen out with everyone else in the wider family, including her three sisters, one of whom was my DM.

One of my cousins felt it was very unfair that I received everything. But none of them had spoken to her for decades and they wouldn’t have known she had died if I hadn’t told them.

I still feel guilty though as it will enable me to get both DC on the property ladder with plenty to spare.

Original poster

Towerofjoyless · 26/07/2019 08:28

Wow loads more replies, I wasn't expecting that - thank you for your advice everyone. I know I'm not the first and won't be the last to be in this position. I maybe just need more time to process everything that's happened before making decisions.

OP posts:

bumblingbovine49 · 26/07/2019 08:39

I loved my mother dearly ( she died peacefully at 93 years old a few months ago) but I know she would be delighted that she managed to hang to a big portion of her estate despite using a chunk for her own care.

I won't feel guilty abou taking the money at all, though I will feel sad. Then again she raised us to believe money was family money. A major driver in her life was to make sure we were all provided for when she died and that never went aways.

She was always trying to give us money which all of us would refuse. I never went out to eat or drink with her without us playing the 'l will pay for this ' dance.

I usually won as I got older but she won sometimes too . I see her money as just an extension of her love for us and it makes me feel warm to know she managed to get what she wanted . We will.also not argue about any of it as we know.how.much that would have upset her.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/07/2019 09:33

Of course you'll be sad to think of how you came to have the money, but do try to think of how your DF would be happy that his legacy has made your family's life easier and more comfortable.

I know I would be, to think the same about whatever we can leave to dds.

The money my mother left me nearly all went to dds, to help one buy her first house, and to enable the other to have the lovely extension that has improved her family's home so enormously.
I absolutely know that my DM would be very happy that her money was put to such good uses.

lifebegins50 · 27/07/2019 09:42

Maybe wait a while before making any decisions however if you consider how you would feel about your DC inheriting then the same thoughts apply.

I am currently planning my will and it will give me the greatest pleasure to be able to provide my DC with some security and I hope they never feel guilt.

ListeningQuietly · 27/07/2019 16:23

The Queen never celebrates the day she became queen.
Cos its the day her dad died.
But she still celebrates other dates.
Focus on the positives.

chockaholic72 · 28/07/2019 14:04

I felt like this for ages - I spent but felt so guilty about it. I don't think I got it right in my head until I got a mortgage, bought my brother out of the house, and wrote a will. I am single with no kids, and I'm now too old to have them anyway. I've left my money to my godchildren and nieces and nephews, and it gave me so much joy to think that unless I'm decrepit and have to sell my house to pay for care, I'll be able to make a difference to their lives. Passing it forward can really help come to terms with it.

SeaEagle21 · 28/07/2019 14:09

There is no need to feel guilty, OP. The money is yours now, and your Dad would be happy to think that it will make your life better. When my Mum died I inherited enough to buy my home - I know she would have been happy that I had a nice place to live in ,and that my life was so much more comfortable. There isn't anything to feel bad about.

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 28/07/2019 14:41

Give it time, don't feel guilty over your feelings. Maybe you will think of something that will be a particular way to remember your father or honour his memory, in which case use some of it that way. But perhaps think of the benefits you will gain as his last gift to you.

[Reading these stories I can even more see the benefits of what my mother is trying to do, which is to arrange to pass on much of our inheritance early once she has allowed for potential care costs - this will come from selling up where she lives and moving back to the UK, so is also inheritance tax planning as it will only be subject to UK IHT if she still owns it when she moves back here]

User8888888 · 30/07/2019 13:31

You have to frame the thinking and see the kitchen as being possible due to your father’s love of you. I’ve got furniture from a bereaved relative and it makes me remember in a nice way. The bit I found harder was administering the estate. You can become a bit admin orientated and mercenary with getting rid of things or dealing with lawyers and I’d suddenly find myself stopping and pausing and feeling bad.

AlexaAmbidextra · 01/08/2019 12:53

As an only child I’ve inherited substantial amounts from both my mum and my dad, the latter last year. They were both very generous to me in life and would be so pleased that I am secure for life. I’ve invested most of the money but just had a new kitchen and landscaped garden, both of which they’d have been delighted with. Of course there’s a sadness that neither of them are here to see how their money is being spent but I also have a deep sense of gratitude to them both.

MLMsuperfan · 01/08/2019 17:29

I'm a great believer in accepting a gift in the spirit in which it is given.

If I ever make a gift, even if it is extravagant, the last thing I want is the receiver to feel guilty taking it.

So if someone makes you a generous gift then repay their generosity by accepting and enjoying it.

Years ago my grandparents give me some money because they knew I wanted to buy a flat but hadn't saved up enough deposit. I felt so guilty taking that money. But it turned out that buying that flat was the best financial move of my life. It really set me up. What was not a huge sum for them made a big difference to me. If I'd gone through with turning down the offer (and I nearly did) I'd have denied them the opportunity to really help me.

Drum2018 · 01/08/2019 17:36

Accept it with grace and fond memories of parents who worked so that they could give you the best they could. Dh received inheritance from his DM and we paid off our mortgage. I don't sit in the house thinking about that every day. When I do think about it of course I'd wish she was still with us but at the same time she wanted to help him out and told him to have a good holiday out of it too which we did last year. I then got a smaller inheritance which will go towards kids education. My parents would like to know they helped out. You cannot help that your DF died but you can make sure you put his inheritance to you to good use knowing he would be so proud of you. I bought some jewellery with mum and dad's money - just small pieces for myself so that when I wear them I'll always think of them.

TheFlis12345 · 01/08/2019 17:49

I used a small inheritance from my gran to go on holiday to Barbados. I spent ages debating and eventually asked my mum her view as I was concerned that it should go on a piece of jewellery or something. Mum told me my gran would have been bloody thrilled that she got to send her granddaughter on a flashy holiday to the Caribbean (further than she ever got) and that I should go for it. I did and toasted her every night with a smile and the odd tear. Whenever I think of that holiday I always remember she made it happen which is a fitting tribute to her. Don’t feel guilty, think how happy your dad would be at the difference he has made to your life.

Decormad38 · 01/08/2019 17:55

Received an inheritance from a departed uncle. It was a significant sum but we weren't that close so no guilt attached.

Finfintytint · 01/08/2019 18:18

We are in the middle of having probate granted. I do feel guilty about receiving a substantial amount ( but by MN standards it may be paltry).
Mum was very keen to leave an amount to us all and got really pissed off it may have been used for care home fees. She died before having to go into a home and is probably giving two fingers up from heaven ( or wherever).
Her mission was to see that we were well cared for. I don't know why as we are all reasonably well off and don't need anything extra.
Just want my mum back not money. Feel very guilty.

Banjodancer · 01/08/2019 18:28

My mum spent her life trying to make things easier for me and I love it when she still can after death - so the tumble dryer broke down recently and instead of saving up I was able to replace it. So, thanks again mum

PanamaPattie · 01/08/2019 18:31

When I was watching my DF take his last few breaths, it occurred to me that he came into the world with nothing and he would leave with nothing. For whatever reason, he left his entire estate to me - a substantial sum of money and property. I will in turn leave money to my DC. I feel sad and happy at the same time with regards to my inheritance. Sad that I won't see DF again but happy I can help out his beloved grandchildren.

Azura2019 · 01/08/2019 18:34

I'd rather have my husband and my children's father 😢😢😢

HollowTalk · 01/08/2019 18:55

I find it really comforting to think I'll leave something to my children. I would hate to think of them feeling guilty. I see my home as my family home and it's only right that it goes to them afterwards.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 01/08/2019 18:59

Please don't feel sad about it. We are very fortunate to have been able to give money to our children during our lifetime, and have really enjoyed seeing the difference it's made to their lives. We will also have money to leave in our wills and I would hate to think that they'd feel sad about that. Enjoy your inheritance - I'm sure your DF would want you to.

Nightwebs · 02/08/2019 16:03

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know that I need more time to process it all - I'm still very much at the stage of my thoughts being caught up in something else and then suddenly remembering that he is no longer here and wondering how that can be right.

My DF spent years struggling financially when my 'D'M ran off with another man, having not paid the mortgage and council tax for a considerable period of time, something my DF had trusted her to do. We were so broke when I was an early teen and i never want my own DCs to experience that. Now I know they never will, but would sooner have my DF here than the money.

Pipandmum · 02/08/2019 16:23

Ha @secretrugbyfan my late husband felt the opposite - he wouldn’t buy a lottery ticket because he didn’t want money from luck - he wanted to earn it.
I inherited from him (life insurance - I still had to sell the family home and downsize) and my parents several years later. My children were 4 and 6 so it enabled me to continue paying for their education and provide for them. We eventually had to move to a much cheaper area but I have managed to maintain their lifestyle (our current house is as big as our old home but cost 1/5th of the price). I also invested to generate an income. My parents money was shared with my sisters. It allowed me to increase security for my children, and will enable me to eventually give them money to get on the property ladder. My parents money will help my sister insure her disabled daughter will have the care she needs when she is no longer able to care for her.
My husband died far too young and I would trade it all in to have him here, but I do not feel guilty spending the money. It’s not like I’m being frivolous.
My parents died after having long, interesting lives. Both my parents and my husband earned all their money. They did it for their children. I am doing my best to ensure it is spent in a way to not only honour their hard work, but also give my children the best start in life I can. No guilt at all.

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