Housekeeping Money

[Kaliza]

I can't work now because of a debilitating condition, and just have my pension to live on.
Been married just over 3 yrs and my husband has never ever given me any housekeeping money. He pays the rent and all the household bills, and I buy all the food, groceries and household items out my pension and also pay to keep my car on the road, which often leaves me with nothing left.
But things have taken a turn for the worse, as I've had to pay out £250 in vets bills for our pets, which I'm also expected to pay out my pension. My husband earns a decent wage and works long hours, often out of the country, and he's not mean in any other way, far from it, apart from with money.
I'm really struggling at the moment and due to poor mobility I rely on my car to get out and visit family when he's away, but this year I won't be able to keep it on the road if it needs work doing on it.
My friends back home whose partners are on minimum wage still manage to give their other halves housekeeping money, even tho some of them have their own wage coming in, and we're shocked when we were discussing this and I admitted that I don't get anything.
It feels like anything to do with money, he still regards himself as being single and I'll never see any of it, apart from the very occasional meal out that he'll pay for. If I needed to buy anything personal, I'd have to try sell something of my own on eBay first to raise the money.
I believe marriage should be a partnership where things are shared but unfortunately I don't 100% have that.
What advice can people offer?
Am I being unreasonable?
This is causing a lot of bad feeling, upset and resentment on my part, but don't want to cause arguments.
I'm not going to lower myself to ask for money, it should be offered, and if I did, his answer would be 'No it's not happening', but if things carry on like this, I fear my marriage going downhill.

Well you are going to have to ask, even if you dont want to. Explain if you could get more of your own you would but again its marriage and he is meant to look after you. If he says no then that would on my mind personally be it for me and I would leave. Why feel like this? You may as well be single. I am sorry x

Should this have been discussed before marriage ? Who pays for clothes, haircuts, hobbies, holidays, cars, birthdays, Xmas or other festive treats. Why don't you have access to one joint account ? What about emergency money and savings ?

It's difficult to comment without kniwing:

Overall outgoings
DH's income
Your income

When you say you cannot work, is this no work whatsoever? What is your disability.

What's the split equity wise in the housr?
How old are you both?

Yes it should have been discussed before marriage.
All the things listed above - I pay for those too.
In answer to the other questions, it's a rented property, and I brought all furniture/furnishings etc with me as I'd sold my house and any extras we needed, I bought them also.
I'm not even sure of my husbands income, he doesn't discuss it.

It's 2nd marriage for both of us, I'm 60, he's few years younger.
I have severe arthritis affecting both legs, feet and hands, and fibro, struggle to even get about the house on a daily basis and I've worked all my life but with having to survive on my pension now, yet still expected to provide so much towards cost of living, it's impossible for me to have any savings.

Where's the money from your house sale?

Sounds like your taken for a mug. Ask sorry tell him you need money.

I'm not going to lower myself to ask for money, it should be offered

Just tell him he needs to pay towards the food and vets bills. Don’t ask him, sit down with him and draw up and show him how much income you get and how it’s being spent so he can see for himself

The money from my house sale has just dwindled away, initially I settled everything so we had no debts, clean slate etc but the rest has just gone over the 3 years we've been married. I moved away from my family so we could set up home together near to the base for his job but now can barely afford petrol to get back to see them...sigh

You need to have a proper chat and solve the financial issues and or consider your future.

He's isolated you and financially abusing you. It was a tad nieve to sell and fritter away your money but what's done is done.

Are you sure the house your in is rented and not rented to him?

Just ask him! If he is a loving husband then he will understand, if not, then you have your answer. When you say moved away from your family, do you mean your kids? If so, I hope he was worth never seeing them for!

From him not to him ie is he paying a mortgage and not telling you.

This is dreadful. I wouldn't see it as asking for money. I would explain to him that married people work together as a partnership, and my expectation from now on is shared finances. And if he didn't make the necessary compromises I would divorce him.

Yes it's a rented house in both our names and he pays the rent. I know, it makes me feel physically sick that all the money from a house sale has now gone, we don't live extravagantly atall, but because I'm expected to provide so much just out my pension, I've had to use the money from the house sale to live on for the past 3 years too, hence why it's all gone, and I'm now in a fix with unexpected vets bills and a car with an mot looming.

SandysMam
My family are just under a 2 hour drive away, that's my son, his partner and our 3 year old grandson and my 93 yr old dad that's in a nursing home back there too. So I try to get over there once a fortnight, especially when my husbands working away for weeks like he is at the moment, and I daren't let on to my family that I'm short of money for things like petrol

Your being taken for a mug. You'd be better of leaving him. Although I struggle to see why you've never asked him for money before.

Could you ask your son to help you get out? Does your father have any money that you'd be likely to inherit? Make sure DH knows nothing about it.

I bet DH isn't sitting skint but he'll have all his money invested in ways you can't see. So you'll get little from the divorce courts.

This gets worse! You need to leave him! Sounds like a horrible selfish and self absorbed person! Also if you are that unwell he should be with you too, not away for weeks, working or not, this is unfair and I agree you are being taken for a mug x

so what have you ever got out of this marriage?

as he thinks he is single, stop the services when he returns. no food, cooking, washing, house work or sex. this is awful.

ChocoholicsAsylum
It's just money he's mean with, he's not mean in any other way, I do complain about the job sometimes as he's away for 7 weeks this time so not home until after the middle of June but if I do complain he reminds me that working away is the nature of the job and that we've got to make the best of it and that I knew how it would be before we got married :-/

Specialsubject
Believe me after reading all the comments I'm beginning to ask myself the same question 😭
We do love each other and because he works hard I do my best to look after the house and keep things in order here, it's just the financial side of things. We do need to get it sorted as after 3 years of this I just can't do it anymore.

Does he know you can't afford all the things he expects you to?

Hindsight is wonderful but you should have kept your house as an investment or reinvested to cash into a new house.

Yes I tell him often enough how much I'm struggling but it falls on deaf ears.

Re my old house, yes I regret letting it go in a way, at the time I was selling it, I had people wanting to rent it off me but because I had debts, I felt I had to sell it to clear those debts and have a fresh start.

Nightmare you really have got into a hole. He's financially bleed you dry and not giving you money.

You have to use the fact that he's out the country to your advantage. Get yourself a new place and empty the house when he's gone.

If you are going to ask for money, have you worked out how much you need per month so that you are not in debt ? What if he says no, do you have a plan to leave. Selling your house was probably a bad idea, but it's gone now. Are you sure he doesn't go to live with someone else when he is away for 7 weeks ? Why dont you know how much he earns ? I would look to renting somewhere near your family, especially if he is always away

Yeah if it falls on deaf ears he is mean! He knows you are ill but continues to go away for ages and you knew how it would be, well things change and he knows that too! I feel bad for you OP. You need to move nearer family, youd save a huge amount probs x

No he doesn't go live with someone else, just staying with work colleagues whilst working over there. I know I've only myself to keep but it's with all the added expenses I keep having to fork out on that's put me in this financial situation.
I really don't know if it will ever be resolved, can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and in answer to the other question about why don't I know what money comes in, he's never said and I've never asked.
Suppose that's how it would always be, like secretive. Been selling things on eBay to raise a bit of money, ninety percent of my clothes come from charity shops anyway, not that that bothers me, what bothers me is if I have no car I'm stuck, away from everyone i know, and if one of our pets needs to see a vet again I've no money as my credit card is maxed out.
There's nobody I can borrow money from, but even if there was, I wouldn't be able to pay it back.

Depressed is an understatement right now :-(

He is mean. It's not falling on deaf ears, he knows exactly what he is doing. You are subsidising his life at the expense of yours. It wouldn't surprise me if he has a mortgage or mortgage free home you don't know about. He's mugged you off big time. BIG time!

Ask him for money now and then you need to think if you want to live the rest of your life with a man who takes you for a ride.