Housekeeping Money

[Kaliza]

I can't work now because of a debilitating condition, and just have my pension to live on.
Been married just over 3 yrs and my husband has never ever given me any housekeeping money. He pays the rent and all the household bills, and I buy all the food, groceries and household items out my pension and also pay to keep my car on the road, which often leaves me with nothing left.
But things have taken a turn for the worse, as I've had to pay out £250 in vets bills for our pets, which I'm also expected to pay out my pension. My husband earns a decent wage and works long hours, often out of the country, and he's not mean in any other way, far from it, apart from with money.
I'm really struggling at the moment and due to poor mobility I rely on my car to get out and visit family when he's away, but this year I won't be able to keep it on the road if it needs work doing on it.
My friends back home whose partners are on minimum wage still manage to give their other halves housekeeping money, even tho some of them have their own wage coming in, and we're shocked when we were discussing this and I admitted that I don't get anything.
It feels like anything to do with money, he still regards himself as being single and I'll never see any of it, apart from the very occasional meal out that he'll pay for. If I needed to buy anything personal, I'd have to try sell something of my own on eBay first to raise the money.
I believe marriage should be a partnership where things are shared but unfortunately I don't 100% have that.
What advice can people offer?
Am I being unreasonable?
This is causing a lot of bad feeling, upset and resentment on my part, but don't want to cause arguments.
I'm not going to lower myself to ask for money, it should be offered, and if I did, his answer would be 'No it's not happening', but if things carry on like this, I fear my marriage going downhill.

I really don’t understand why you won’t talk to him about this.

When you say you used some proceeds of the sale of your house to pay off debts, was it just your debts or DH's as well?

Have you checked if you're entitled to any benefits?

This isn’t about ‘housekeeping money’ at all.

It’s about money. You need to have a conversation with your husband and get everything out on the table. I think you have some issues surrounding money (and even talking about it) unfortunately you have married someone who is secretive and mean and has taken advantage of you (and has made the most of your hang up about being self sufficient and not ever asking for money.)

I am not an expert and am only guessing all of this from your post, and apologies if I am way off the mark.

My advice is to go and see a counselor and speak to them about how to have a full and open discussion with your husband regarding Money because you will need support to do this. You will also need confidence and to be straight about the facts and to let go of any shame you have.

You will have to do this soon or you will end up in debt again. Go and speak to a counselor and get some support and talk to your husband.

I’m fairly sure that if you’re married then all money is considered joint in the eyes of the law. This is financial abuse.

My husband and I have shared finances and have had periods where I earned more and others where I earned much less. The nature of my work means I occasionally get a large paycheque, while his job pays an annual bonus. It’s all OUR money.

I would tell him you want to combine finances or leave him. Seriously.

He's very controlling op, 'not allowed a laptop'? Why not?
He's got it made, hasn't he? Minimal outgoings and you completely reliant on him.
I think that there are much bigger problems op.

You were mortgage free but only got £18k when it sold?

Yes it's getting that way as I now have a maxed out credit card to pay off.
And yes only had 19k left 3 years ago after buying a second hand car and oaying debts off. It was only a small terraced property and it went cheap. Then the rest has gone over 3 years on everything else.

Have you spoken to him yet?

Access to joint bank account ? He must be accumulating savings if his living costs are so low. I'd be suspicious if his life style away if apparently not. Does he know you are struggling? Do you claim pip?

Sorry Kaliza but the whole situation doesn't make sense as you describe it. You only got £18K from a house without a mortgage after paying debts and a second car that can't have been that expensive if it needed £700 work needed on it within a year of buying it, or the opposite, you bought an sport car for which a tyre alone cost £500.

You had no mortgage to pay, a job, but still manage to accumulate large amount of debt? How? You bought brand new furniture, yet you had some already and presumably so did your OH, so what happened to that?

You now have nothing left of £18K and are anxious to tell your OH, which leads me to wonder whether you do have a spending issue and this is why you are anxious to talk to him about it. My apologies if I'm wrong, but this is how it comes across. Either way, you'll have to speak to him, but maybe not taking the 'youre mean' approach and you should be giving me money, but 'I need help, can we work our budgets together' way.

Yes that is all I had left. All the expense on the car came about as no other garage could diagnose exactly what was wrong with it, only the Vauxhall dealership, so I paid to have it fixed.
I definitely have not got a 'spending issue' it's more like a 'giving money away' issue in the beginning.....the post seems to be drifting away from the original question which was to see if anyone could offer advice about housekeeping money.

But seeing as a few people think 18k is a lot to go in 3 years, maybe I should explain a bit more.....My husband said when I sold my old house I'd have to settle one of his debts in order to afford rent on a new place, which I did. Then id furniture to buy because no he didn't have anything as it was lost in a fire. Also my son and partner were expecting a baby and had nowhere to live after I sold my house so I set them up with some rent payments so they could move in to a rented property together. Also my husband had booked a holiday to Australia just before we got engaged so he still went on that, but on his own, and then he took me 12 months later as a pre wedding honeymoon so I assume the debt I paid for him was for those two holidays. So it doesn't take a genius to work out why I've nothing left!

Yeah it seems very obvious what the problem is when you say it like that!

OP those things paint a picture where you are paying for joint things out of capital (you had to pay for him to have two major holidays?!).
I think the reason nobody can quite answer your question re housekeeping money is because that was something which made sense when the man went out to work and the little woman kept house with the nice housekeeping money he paid her. That is not your situation. You two are married. In the eyes of the law your finances are joint- so it's madness for you not to run them jointly, and for one of you to run out of money but not the other. Financially, you sink or swim together. Or you should!

Have you asked him yet?
Even when he's away you must speak every day ?

It comes down to the same thing then, have you told him there is no money left, and if not, why not? Why did you wait until there is nothing left and finding yourself really worried about it to think that he should be giving you money regularly?

You say that you shouldn't have to ask money and that it should be offered, but really it should be neither. You should have sat down when you go together and work out your budget and agreed on how finances would be managed and then whether you needed a joint account or him to transfer some money into your account monthly.

Does he know your savings are gone?

No ive not asked him yet. Speak on text a few times and then maybe a 3 min phone call late at night basically just to say goodnight, so the time hasn't been right. Yes he knows I've no savings left. He knows I've paid loads to the vets, and that my cars mot is due, then it's insurance, he knows I've been selling my things on eBay to raise money, he knows I'm short of money with expenses looming, basically he knows everything about me, I've no secrets!

Have you worked out how much you need to live on per month ? Example you ask him for £500 per month, but he says he can only give you £250 per month what are you going to do ? What if he gives you nothing ???

I haven't worked anything out yet. I don't begrudge spending my pension on what we need but i just don't have enough for everything else, ie all these unexpected things I've had to pay for. I really don't know what I'll do, especially if that happens and I continue to get nothing.

If he doesn't want you to have access to a joint account - could he not agree to transfer a set amount of money a month into a separate account as 'emergency ' money. That way you would have a buffer if the unexpected happened.

Hopefully as I think that's sounds the most reasonable thing to do.

Don't ask him for money. Say that the money from the saving is now gone and you don't have enough to meet your needs. Say that you don't think he would want you to get into debts so say it's now time to seat together and work out your budgets.

Go back 3 or 6 months and make a list of all the things you've bought and work out how much you were short by after your pension. Agree on spending, who pays for what, if any cuts can be made, then decide whether he can transfer some money each month, or if he'd prefer what other bills he will pick up from now.

It shouldn't be about him giving you money when you ask for it (unless he is happy to do so), but working a budget together so that no-one ends up in debts.

I know and I agree with all of the above.