Housekeeping Money

[Kaliza]

I can't work now because of a debilitating condition, and just have my pension to live on.
Been married just over 3 yrs and my husband has never ever given me any housekeeping money. He pays the rent and all the household bills, and I buy all the food, groceries and household items out my pension and also pay to keep my car on the road, which often leaves me with nothing left.
But things have taken a turn for the worse, as I've had to pay out £250 in vets bills for our pets, which I'm also expected to pay out my pension. My husband earns a decent wage and works long hours, often out of the country, and he's not mean in any other way, far from it, apart from with money.
I'm really struggling at the moment and due to poor mobility I rely on my car to get out and visit family when he's away, but this year I won't be able to keep it on the road if it needs work doing on it.
My friends back home whose partners are on minimum wage still manage to give their other halves housekeeping money, even tho some of them have their own wage coming in, and we're shocked when we were discussing this and I admitted that I don't get anything.
It feels like anything to do with money, he still regards himself as being single and I'll never see any of it, apart from the very occasional meal out that he'll pay for. If I needed to buy anything personal, I'd have to try sell something of my own on eBay first to raise the money.
I believe marriage should be a partnership where things are shared but unfortunately I don't 100% have that.
What advice can people offer?
Am I being unreasonable?
This is causing a lot of bad feeling, upset and resentment on my part, but don't want to cause arguments.
I'm not going to lower myself to ask for money, it should be offered, and if I did, his answer would be 'No it's not happening', but if things carry on like this, I fear my marriage going downhill.

If he pays all the bill and all you pay is gas for your car and food, which is only for two and it would seem at time you only, something doesn't seem right that you can't make do with your pension.

Does he know that all the money from the house sale has now gone? How much was there?

I think you need to go back three or six months and work out what the money has gone on so that you can show him evidence that you just don't have enough and you can then both agree what you can cut on and what he needs to help you with.

After I paid my debts and bought a second hand car and the rest of the furniture we needed for this house I had about 19k left. And that has lasted me 3 years so don't think I've done too bad making it last that long. And in all that time I've never once asked my husband for money, not for anything. I buy second hand clothes and shoes off eBay. I don't buy anything extravagant, I barely go out anywhere, my life centres around my husband and pets.

The house that you sold was it all paid for, mortgage free ? When you paid off debts, was it just your debt or debt for your current husband as well ? Is there any way that you can work from home like child or pet sitting, ironing to bring in some extra money. Have you worked out how much you need per month to live a life with car and pets ? When are you going to ask your husband or do you have to wait until he returns from the 7 weeks away ?

No it was just my debt, it was a house I bought after my first husband died 8 years ago, so was mortgage free.

Yes I'll wait until he's home, he's abroad doing a very stressful job so hopefully can discuss things when he comes home.

He really has taken you for a ride.

18k spent over 3 years is 6k per year or around £100 per week.

If he's still not prepared to give you cash then it really is time to get yourself in order and leave.

I can't say anyway back from this financially abusive relationship.

When my exh and I divorced my ' pay out ' was a little more than yours. I still have it sat in a bank account. I have been with my dp 20 years. He has never expected me to pay for housekeeping/ car repairs, get bills etc from it. Your husband must have felt he'd fallen on his feet when you started off by paying for everyday things.

But you've already said, 'I'm not going to lower myself to ask for money, it should be offered, and if I did, his answer would be 'No it's not happening', but if things carry on like this, I fear my marriage going downhill.

He's not going to front you a bean.

I realise now I've been naive, I brought all my furniture here from my previous house and then used my money to furnish this place too with it being a larger property, but I thought nothing of it, it's for both of us...to share, what marriage should be about. I know I look a fool now as I'm the only one sharing anything. Must admit there's loads of bad feeling building up. Yes I predict if I try discuss it the answer will be 'It's not happening' but I'll try.
I have to try

You have to try and get money out of him. If he's not forth coming then flog some of the extra furniture and take what you need and go.

Can you get a disability car and get help running it ?

This all sounds very grim! 18k in three years is a lot- how much is your pension? As you can't work due to your health, are you entitled to PIP? Will things be easier once your state pension kicks in in a few years?
Argh all round anyway- it sounds hard!!!

So you had £7k a year in addition to your pension, and only paid for food and petrol? Sorry but to me, that's quite a bit of disposable money.

You haven't as to whether he knows that the whole money from your house sale has now gone.

Ohgosh no i paid for everything to furnish this house also, which is twice as big as my old house. I buy everything we need on a regular basis, not just the food, and as for my car, it's not just petrol, when I say keeping it on the road that's getting it thru an mot every year and any repairs it might need, which last year it needed a £700 + repair doing on it that only the dealership could diagnose so had to have it done. Then of course petrol, a full tank only gets me back to family once, with not much left. I sort everything to do with birthdays, Christmas presents etc. And then, as I said at the beginning of the post which had caused more worry is the amount I've paid out in vets bills recently, and last year also. There's no extravagance atall, I don't even get out to socialise, unless I'm back with family, not really got any hobbies apart from music, which I love, so occasionally bought that, so I just have my phone really to read things on, watch YouTube etc and listen music through. I'd love a laptop but not allowed one. But that's another story.

When the furniture was being bought why didn't you ask him to pay half?

Do you buy gifts for his family too?

I suspect he has a whole life you don't know about. Have you seen his digs/ met the people he works with?

I don't know, I just took it for granted that I'd be paying.
Not seen it for real no, but have done on video call, yes met a few of them, I've no suspicions whatsoever in that area.
It's just the money worries I have.

If he doesn't give you some cash then l don't see how the marriage has a future.

Is he going to start buying his own food, cleaning stuff, seperate loo roll? While you are flat broke.

He must be earning reasonable money and banking most of it.

Must be then as whilst working abroad it's very long hours up to 17 hrs a day. And no expenses either, food shopping etc is all paid for by the company, whilst I'm back home skint! :-(

Are you on the tenancy agreement?

Take advice if your better being on or off it. Might be better being off it and getting your own tenancy back home.

I think your are going to need your sons help to get you out of this absolute mess. Does he know what's been going on?
Or maybe he does but sort of 'staying out of it'

If your DH truly loved you he wouldn't be expecting you to dip into your life savings for anything. He's bleed you dry and now not helping you.

Yes I'm on the tenancy agreement.
No my son doesn't know the full extent of how I'm struggling financially, although he knows I have no savings left, but he has a lot of respect for my husband and I don't want to tarnish that, like I say he's not mean in other ways, he'll help anybody out, it's just that now I'm in this fix, I can't afford to carry on paying for everything. Just praying it can get sorted, as I don't want my son to know about his mean side, or I'd never hear the last of it.

Ok so he'll look good to the outside world but not cross your palm with silver.

Have you outright told him your skint and asked for cash to be transferred to you?

Yes looks good to the outside world.
No not asked outright, I've just admitted I'm worried about any unexpected vet bills again as I'm so hard up.

I'd rather try sort it face to face, and not bother him with the problem while he's away.
Im too nice, I know :-/

Do you have pet insurance ? Some charities will pay for pet treatment if you cannot afford. Have you worked out how much other money you would need per month for petrol and other essentials (not including presents) What is your plan if he says he won't give you any money ?

You need to work out how much money you need from him. And make sure you ask for more than you need and start building up your savings fund.

No we don't have pet insurance unfortunately.
And I haven't thought past the 'asking' stage yet. Will see how it turns out.

But in the meantime, Thankyou everyone whose taken the time to respond with their thoughts and advice :)