Coping financially when maintenance ends

[JillyC8]

Older mum here, stressing about how I'll cope financially when my children reach 18. I thought it would get easier, I'd meet someone new etc, but that hasn't happened and happy as I am being single, I realise it puts me at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to finances.

In two years, my maintenance will halve, then two years later will stop altogether, as will the tax credit and child benefit. I work full time in a stressful job, to which I commute for one hour each way. I've looked at alternative employment closer to home, but in the field I work, there is very little around and I'd end up taking a very big wage cut.

I'm in my fifties, and I want to begin easing the stress a bit, but with the prospect of losing around £800 a month in a coup,e of years, I don't know if I ever can.

Even with the children getting jobs, and my daughter wants to go to uni, I doubt their contribution to the finances will make a big difference at their age. We don't live in a big house - just a 3-bed terrace, so downsizing isn't an option. I will still owe £95000 on my mortgage in two years.

Just wondering if there is anyone else here who is facing this scenario ...

J

Re renting out a room, it is something I've thought about for the future, but unless one of my children move out then that isn't an option, and that's a long way off.

I've been very encouraged by some of the stories I've read on here and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one facing this worry. We'll scrape by I'm sure, and it's becoming clear that I will need to put greater pressure on my children to contribute than I thought.

@greenberet. I am so sorry. Reading that, and how you’ve been left feeling, and how little a damn he gives for the children reads painfully. I guess I’m ‘lucky’ it was only a ten year marriage, and whilst I received nothing at all in the separation, I have a steady income which keeps us going, and hopefully will start having the ability to start saving in about 6 months to provide for my future. I think it’s awful that financial responsibility stops at 18- was someone I knew who continued paying for the whole of uni, I was under the impression that whilst they are getting a degree, you remain liable until 21. It’s one if he biggest ‘shames’ we have. 45yr old + women, left with nothing except half a house after 20 years of raising children and husbands. It’s almost set up now that you would be stupid to take a step back in your career to raise children, given that there is no long term benefit to this if your world is ripped out from under you. No home, no financial security, no pension, just stress and concern about the future. I can’t imagine this, and I’m sorry for you and the countless other women going through this xx

I am starting to worry about this - not maintenance as exh pays zero but tax credits, child benefit etc. Also concerned about working full time when I am already beginning to slow down. Pension also not enough to live on. It is much easier financially with a partner.

not having a degree is frowned on in the workplace, whether it's in a related subject or not. I'd much rather my two go down the apprenticeship route

It doesn't have to be a choice between a degree and an apprenticeship. There are now apprenticeships which lead to a degree, providing job experience alongside the academic programme. I would encourage anyone to look out for one of these. They do not seem to be very widely known, but are still very popular.

@SD1978 thank you - what makes it worse is that he has regular contact with them - pays for their phones - takes Ds on holiday meals out with Ow etc - Dd has nothing to do with OW or her kids - there is a continual undercurrent of manipulation and control but the kids have had enough - they just want to get on with their own lives - how this is going to impact on them at 18 I have no idea - who knows he may step up and be the hero once I have got them to 18 - this would not surprise me in the least!

I didnt even get half a house - the x saw to this and yes how do we advise our Dd's going forward _ marriage does not protect you as I've found out - staying at home and raising your own kids counts for nothing in this country and there is no culpability for fathers who chose to play the system!

Mental health issues have increased amongst kids and there are no resources to deal with this - is this really a result of mobile phones and social media influence that we are led to believe or is it that we live in a screwed up society that seems to have lost its moral compass and has sold out to the highest bidder and that women seem to be screwed whatever direction they go in.

#greenberet. I'm sorry to read this - it's easy for people to tell you to 'move on' but it isn't so easy when you're left with such worries and responsibilities. It's sickening to watch the other parent moving on successfully with ease and leaving such a mess behind, particularly when it affects the children.
My ex was brutal and threatened me re money constantly in the first few years when he was building his new life with OW and still now, all these years later has so little involvement in the children's lives it's a joke.
They don't mind as they don't remember it being any different but I do still feel bitter. He is a high earner and rolls up (when he can be bothered) in his expensive car with private number plate. He wears designer clothes and openly talks to us about his three-+ holidays abroad every year, to which he flies first class (obviously). I once suggested he might take the children on holiday at some point but his response was that he only went to local beaches when he was a child (in the 70s!) so why should they enjoy holidays abroad. He has never taken them anywhere with him and they have only stayed at his home twice in twelve years, and just overnight.
It's hard to get past these things, but if I was you, I would definitely try to move away and start again, but with the children. After all you're a team and need to stick together to get through this. I don't agree with gap years, which seems to be all the trend these days, and will be firm with my two about this.
I hope you can get sorted, it must be very hard living in such an expensive area. My heart goes out to you.

Finally here, thank you, I have yet to explore all the options but will look into this.

#Minus1 it's unbelievable to think that in this day and age the only way forward is to be in a relationship. I made the decision not to go down this route to give my children stability and continuity, plus I have no idea where I would have found the time over the years! but yes, society is geared around being part of a couple, so it's understandable that people have to do this. I've become so independent now I can't imagine living with a new partner, nor do I think I should be pressured into doing so just to stay off the streets - it's very depressing,
Re slowing down, thus is another worry. I'm mortgaged till I'm 70 but no idea if I'll be fit and well enough to do so.

Sorry to read this OP.
I think this is a problem that many women are going to face.

I need to come back to this thread when I have more time

I’m early on in the process. Divorced a year, young children, but very high maintenance because ex is high earner. I will never be able to earn even close.

OP have you thought about setting up evening and weekend seeing classes? At your home. Bit of extra cash. Could do hen parties; gifts; mother and daughter lessons etc

Jillyc8- I’ve nothing to add on advice but I totally get you in everything taking its toll from divorce and lone parenting whilst keeping head above water. I’ve just added a thread about the constant worry of money.
It’s like I’ve got to keep going even though my job is taking its toll on my physical health it’s so demanding- just so that I can recover the lost years financially.my ex is exactly the same in that his career or health have not ever suffered and he seems to be off around the world with no thought for his 3 children and their care in all ways.
Your not alone at all

I wonder if looking at your outgoings might help too?

100k mortgage, I assume over 13 years (as you’ve been a single mum for 12) should be about £750-£800 pm.

Your income in 2 years should be about £1750-£1800pm, assuming you put 15% of your gross salary into a pension.

Assuming that your children do have to contribute their additional costs (food etc) once they have a job/are at uni, that leaves £1000pcm for your other outgoings.

My bills (exc car insurance) sit at about £200pcm rounded up, so that leaves £800 pcm. Food for one is doable for £100pcm, but call it £150 to allow for booze and shampoo etc. So that’s now £650 pcm left over.

How tight it gets after that will be quite dependent on the cost of your commute and your car costs. If they are low, it could be quite a manageable sum to live on.

You say figures are your worst thing - so maybe it’s time to look at if you’re paying too much for your mortgage, or have a car where the insurance band is too high, or are leasing it, or all the other bits and bobs that can save money? You’ve got 2 years at the moment which is quite a lot of time to make changes if necessary, so if you start looking at those things now, combined with consideration of how to manage your commute or reduce it, then you might be able to make things okay in 2 years time.

That’s a concern that you will be paying off your mortgage until you are 70. I will be younger than that but still worried that I won’t be earning enough to pay the monthly bills and support my dc to live at home.

Bills at £200 pm? My council tax is almost that.

Wowsers! That sounds insanely high: mine is £80 (over 12 months) (should be about £105, but single adult discount), gas and electric is £45, water is £20, internet is £11, mobile phone is £7.50, car tax is £12 I think, maybe £15 max, tv license is £12.50 ish - so that’s about £190 and then I rounded up to £200.

I think the key is to pay the mortgage off as quickly as possible. In order to do this you need to live very frugally - don't buy clothes unless completely necessary. Try and really cut down on the amount you spend on food, plan cheap meals, always take food with you when you go out. Get rid of the car if possible. Don't have holidays, just have a big day out now and then. Don't buy stuff you don't need, if you do need it try and buy it second hand. Turn saving money into an art form, it can actually be fun.

DD is still at primary school. We don't get any maintenance (ex partner is dead, but he didn't pay maintenance when alive), we don't get any benefits (I like to be self-sufficient). I don't earn much, we just live on my wages of £1100 a month. Luckily I bought our house a long time ago and paid off the mortgage. I spend £300 a month on childcare, £200 a month on bills, £200 on food. That leaves £400 a month for clothes, days out, saving etc. Soon I won't have the childcare bill so we will have a lot more money to save for the future. When dd goes to university I will rent out a room, or sell our house and buy two houses in a cheaper part of the country and rent one out.

OP, I wouldn’t move or change jobs anyway - moving costs are so high and £30k is a decent salary for the southwest. I think I would extend the mortgage though, and I would be taking in a lodger once one of the dc goes to uni. If you live near a uni, perhaps you could find a lodger for term times, or a Mon-Fri lodger? Your uni kid could then bunk in with you if they are home when the lodger is there. Or could you turn the living room into a bedroom for them?

Etymology - who do you get your internet with? That's a lot less than mine.

My monthly bills are £71 council tax (£85 a month for 10 months of the year), £35 landline and internet, £8 two mobile phones, £8 Netflix, £15 water, £52 gas and electric, £12 TV licence.

My internet was with sky, half price inc line rental. Before that I was with plusnet, free internet and line rental up front, so that was about £16 pcm averaged over the year. But I don’t have fibre or anything fancy, and I use things like WhatsApp over the WiFi for a lot of my calls, to keep costs down.

Thanks. I'm going go look into that, I need to reduce my landline/internet bill to make up for the council tax going up.

#Etymology23 Yes I will be trawling through my finances for sure. I'm not a maths-orientated person but do budget as best I can. My bills are higher compared to yours. I hve18 years left on mortgage and pay £580 at the moment, whic of course is manageable for now. My council tax is £112; service bills (water,gas,electricity) combined £120 a month. Due to my commute I had to replace my car a couple of years ago as my old one died spectacularly. I'm still paying off the loan, which was for £3000, but I hope to do this over the coming year. I drive a small car, £30 a year tax and economical, but my fuel bill is around £240 a month and I also have to put aside money for MOT and services as I've been left high and dry by not doing this in the past.. I also think if I stay where I am working, then I'll be looking at replacing the car again in the not too distant future as problems are already cropping up. It's crazy as I thought by moving to more local employment that losing the car costs would balance things out, but I'm actually better off commuting still, which is frustrating.
All our clothes are bought on eBay, and all furniture/white goods second hand. With insurances (car, house, life, which come to £120a month), Broadband, mobile phone etc, my monthly outgoings, without the car loan, are around the £1000 mark before food,clothing, extras etc.

I'll definitely be looking at my service bills - my water bill is £44 a month. I'm strict about short showers and water usage in general, but I've been told water costs are high in the area I lives not sure how much that can be reduced. I'm sure there are areas where I can make some reductions, and over the next two years i will hopefully make some cuts.

It’s worth being aware of it for sure - and I agree that even if things are manageable, an £800 pcm drop in income is a lot and would be terrifying for anyone!

Jilly - I would keep looking really hard for local employment that pays well, then you can ditch the car and all it's costs, at least for a few years until you pay the mortgage down. Is public transport to and from work possible? Would that save you any money?

#Highhorse - I wish I had the confidence (and energy) to set up classes. I kind of taught myself re the sewing as a way to earn extra money. I'm not particularly good at it but I make bags and bits and pieces, that seem to sell ok, although eBay/Paypal fees aren't particularly low and I do question if it's worth it. I also scrounge boxes and packaging from large stores such as Homebase so I don't ever pay for that.
I enjoy budgeting and coping but do worry about the future.