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Original poster

Should my partner contribute more to holiday

95 replies

Kazarooney · 19/03/2018 07:50

My partner and I Don’t live together and are looking at booking our first holiday abroad we ve been together two years . I will be taking my DS I was looking at splitting the cost two thirds me one third partner but I cant afford this . I have two part time jobs but he still earns double what I do.

Partner has suggested we just go in U.K. if I can’t afford it .

Am I being unreasonable to expect that he should pay more as he earns more .

OP posts:

happyasasandboy · 19/03/2018 11:17

Maybe find a Holiday with free kids places ....

lalaloopyhead · 19/03/2018 11:17

What is the difference in cost to just you going with DS on the holiday, and then the cost of your DP coming as well? That would be a fairer split possibly?

It is a tricky one as strictly speaking he has no obligation whatsoever to contribute to your ds part of the holiday, but it could also be a sign of things to come if you end up living together.

newmumwithquestions · 19/03/2018 11:20

there’s no way a 6 year old would cost the same as an adult.
Depends where they are planning to go.. flights will be the same cost regardless of age (over 2). And accommodation will be more as usually the couple shares a double room, but adding a child could mean adding a load to the accommodation cost.

I think you should look at how much the holiday should cost with you and your DS, then see how much extra it is for your boyfriend to come. That tells you how much he ‘should’ pay.

I think going on holiday somewhere cheaper is a good alternative!

Original poster

Kazarooney · 19/03/2018 11:21

I earn about £30k from my two jobs he earns 60k . due to large mortgage taken out when my salary was almost double what I earn now And high petrol costs as I have a long commute I don’t have much disposable income .

The money thing is becoming an issue as he wants to do stuff and I can’t afford it . For example he would think nothing of eating out every Saturday night whereas I would probably only budget to do this once a month. I wouldn’t say he’s tight but I’ve always paid half for everything. I’ve gone away with DS abroad before but only for 3 or 4 nights I would be happy to do this again but he wants to go for a week . I was just interested to see how other couple deal with stuff like this when one person earns a lot more than the other but you don’t live together.

OP posts:

onmytiptoes · 19/03/2018 11:23

To be honest if he's committed to you for two years already and wants to carry on committing to you and can afford to pay a bit more then I would expect him to offer but of course you can't make him do this.
If i was in his shoes I would offer unless it's a ridiculously expensive holiday.

Appuskidu · 19/03/2018 11:30

The money thing is becoming an issue as he wants to do stuff and I can’t afford it

Well, in this instance, he has come up with the sensible suggestion of holidaying in this country, which is great all round :)

It’s not as if he is saying-‘I want us to go on x expensive foreign holiday and you HAVE to pay 2/3 or else’

FlyingMonkeys · 19/03/2018 11:43

So have you actually spoken with him about this OP? Or is it just a case of you're finding it a financial struggle and hoping he'll notice? If you've always paid half he may just assume you feel happier doing this.

Weepingwillows12 · 19/03/2018 11:45

I think it's difficult when one person can afford to do more than the other and wants them both to do it together. They either need to subsidise the other, not do things or do some stuff on their own or with mates or do stuff both can afford. But without resentment. If they can't do that then it's break up time.

In this case, he seems to be saying let's go with something you can afford so not getting the holiday he wants so he can still spend time with you. He doesn't seem at a point to want to subsidise. That's his choice. However, it needs to be resentment free for both of you or it will just cause issues. Time for honest conversations I think about how things will work in future. If he is making you feel bad for not being able to do what he can then he is not being fair.

Money is always a difficult area. Good luck.

whiteroseredrose · 19/03/2018 12:11

I don't think he's BU. My DM has been with my DstepF since I was 11. She always paid for everything for me despite him earning more. I'm her DD. It was never an issue nor expected.

He has voluntarily helped me a lot more recently with paying into a pension and a house deposit. But that was MUCH later and entirety his choice.

fruitbrewhaha · 19/03/2018 14:02

What holiday were you looking at?
Could you find something abroad, in France for instance, drivable to, that is a bit cheaper?

I think 2/3 is over the top. The price difference from a 1 bed to a 2 bed apartment or gite is not a third more, especially if it's a little box room for a child. Have a look at apartments in the Alps, they have little cabin rooms.

I suppose ultimately it depends on what you want from a relationship. With my DP I paid for us to go to Paris within the first year of being together. We would just pay for stuff for each other and now we have completely joint finances of family money. Not yours or mine. However lots of couples prefer separate finances and have formulas to work out who pays how much etc and the rest is own money.

With step families more thought goes into it, but I'd suggest that most step parents in some way or another pay towards their step children in some way or another, financially or caring for or time spent tearing hair out.

Appuskidu · 19/03/2018 14:26

I think 2/3 is over the top. The price difference from a 1 bed to a 2 bed apartment or gite is not a third more

Depends on the type of holiday. Flights would cost the same. Hotel rooms would be expensive as well. OP can hopefully clarify.

It does sound though more like OP wanting to go abroad but not being able to afford it, but the boyfriend actually wanting to stay in this country to holiday.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 14:36

YABU. He's a boyfriend, not a partner or a step dad. He's offered an alternative. Sounds like you want more from the relationship than he does, it's still casual after 2 years and he likes it that way.

Hersetta427 · 19/03/2018 14:59

Price up the holiday for just 2 adults and divide that by 2 - that is the cost per adult plus you pay the difference between the cost for the 2 of you and the cost for the 3 of you. You shouldn't pay 2/3rds as the cost of a child is usually significantly less than the cost of an adult.

Taylor22 · 19/03/2018 15:05

But what about the cost of going during term time and then going during school holidays?

With the child involved the BF misses out on the option of picking the cheapest times.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2018 15:13

'With the child involved the BF misses out on the option of picking the cheapest times.'

Exactly. And the child still needs own seat on the plane, own room in the accommodation.

Apple23 · 19/03/2018 16:06

Find a Kids go free holiday and split 50/50, or count the child as half-fare and split 60/40. If you can't afford it, then choose somewhere cheaper.

LadyLapsang · 19/03/2018 16:13

I think you and DS's father should pay for his holidays not your boyfriend. What type of holiday are you considering? We used to get really good value camping holidays in France at the end of the school summer holidays. Alternatively, could you have a holiday with DS yourself and a cheap out of school hols long weekend with your boyfriend if DS's father or grandparents can look after him while you are away.

Appuskidu · 19/03/2018 16:29

Or get an apartment and go 50% on that but you pay for your and DS’s flights?

Hersetta427 · 19/03/2018 16:33

Most holiday companies (even in school holidays) charge at least half price for a child. The OP hasn't said they were going on the school holidays but even if they were, they have been together for over 2 years and presumably he agreed to go away when the holiday is proposed.

Vangoghsear · 19/03/2018 19:11

If he isn't willing to be generous in this situation, and seeing you all as a likely future family together, then I would have doubts about the relationship long term. Consider carefully and discuss with him. If you stay with him and have DC together what then? Would it be realistic for you to continue with 2 jobs? Seriously if he isn't beginning to think in terms of pooling resources by now you might be in for a hard time in the future.

Greenyogagirl · 19/03/2018 19:22

2 years isn’t that long and I don’t think he should pay for your son.

Littlelambpeep · 19/03/2018 19:27

He is telling you who is is (fair enough I think ... He doesn't have to subsidise your son)

Not everyone is decent and it is just clear to me.. he's a boyfriend not family and if you want that - you have to accept that. Go on a UK holiday.

Pleasebeafleabite · 19/03/2018 19:37

I think you know where you stand OP - he doesn’t appear to want any financial responsibility for you or your son

Proceed accordingly

SmallBlondeMama · 19/03/2018 19:39

You are responsible for yourself & DS on one level. But also, if he's suggesting a cheaper trip rather than offering to pay more then he sounds like a jerk! Ditch the tightwad lol.

Margomyhero · 19/03/2018 19:51

I would hope that after you have been together for 2 years he would want to make your life easier. i.e. pay more for some things.

My DH pays for a lot of stuff for my DS - he is very generous, and doesn't want to treat any of the DC differently. DS is part of me - hence part of the family group.

I find it hard when I see this huge financial separation between couples. Surely if you are serious about each other than you'd share?

My aunt has had a'boy'friend for 30 years. They pay halves for everything - despite him being much wealthier than she is. She struggles to afford the nice cruises and big dinners out. I just don't get it.

Your choice - book a cheaper holiday - or dump him.

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