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Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend

51 replies

Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 18:02

I would like some thoughts/advice about moving in with my boyfriend. I earn about £60000 per year and own my own house with a large mortgage. He earns £200000 + per annum and has no mortgage on his house. I am moving knot his house but not selling mine and putting tenants in it to help pay the mortgage although I will still pay bills and council tax. My boyfriend wants me to pay £500 per month from me to cover bills and shopping but I think this is very steep considering he has no mortgage, I still have a house to maintain and he has his two young children approximately 70% of the week. He has cancelled his cleaner as I do all the cleaning in his house even though we don’t live together yet...am I alone in thinking he is just asking for too much money?

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 06/03/2018 18:05

He has cancelled his cleaner as I do all the cleaning in his house even though we don’t live together yet

Sounds to me like you're his maid and paying for the pleasure of being one. This is crazy OP!

Turnedacorner · 06/03/2018 18:11

Are you mad OP?!

pompomcat · 06/03/2018 18:17

Def not OP. Don't even consider moving in with him until you've had a proper conversation about this (and don't consider it at all if you don't feel able to have the conversation/he doesn't listen to what you are saying).

Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 18:30

I’ve tried talking to him and he just says it’s perfectly fair and he’s not having me leech off him when that’s unfair as I’m happy to pay my own way but he earns about 4 times more with no mortgage...I’ve told him I can’t afford it but he won’t listen and now I’m thinking it’s best I just don’t do it

OP posts:
Rainboho · 06/03/2018 18:33

Stay in your own house, stop cleaning his.

He doesn’t see you as an equal.

userabcname · 06/03/2018 18:35

No way. He's moving you in as a live-in cleaner and expecting you to pay??!!! Good grief no. Don't do it; you will definitely regret it.

martellandginger · 06/03/2018 18:39

Why oh why are you doing his cleaning? You are setting yourself up bigstyle. You have all that independence don’t move in with him. You’ll be babysitting his kids next because how else will he earn 200k?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 06/03/2018 18:42

Stop doing his cleaning!

When you've talked about moving in with each other, what are your reasons for doing so?

Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 18:43

His kids are 12 and 14 so are quite self sufficient and he works from home a few days a week, I’m more bothered that I’m expected to pay money towards bills run up by his kids! He had a bitter divorce and I feel like I suffer for it, his wife was given everything and never had to work

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 18:45

I do love him but it’s not easy and as I’m 41 and it’s been 5 years it seems like the next move, he is 53 but the finances are really bothering me, he tells me he is being more than fair but I need impartial opinion

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 06/03/2018 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 06/03/2018 18:49

I honestly despair at some stories. Why on earth do you do his cleaning in the evening?! What does he do for you at your house?

Rainboho · 06/03/2018 18:50

It’s not the fairness of the money at all, its that he is telling you what he expects and won’t enter into a discussion with you as his partner.

Are you sure his ex-wife acrually wanted to stay at home as he seems to have a pretty clear idea of where a woman’s place is.

Ariela · 06/03/2018 18:55

If you do move in, ask for copies of all the bils, split 3/10 for you to pay and 7/10 for him to pay would be the fairest as that way that's the same proportion of salary to bills. Your share of course would have to be less the cost of the cleaner as you'l be doing it.

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/03/2018 18:57

This has disaster written all over it

HipsterAssassin · 06/03/2018 19:00

I’m just as baffled as to why you ‘can’t afford’ £500pcm with your salary & rental income as I am by the fact that you do his cleaning!

Stumped by the whole thing.

But if you can’t discuss it and you have already taken on the role of cleaner then I reckon there are too many red flags waving here. Stay put.

ForalltheSaints · 06/03/2018 19:02

You can afford a cleaner between the two of you. £260k income between you is several times the average household and ten times some.

froggybiby · 06/03/2018 19:03

I wouldn't do it OP. But ref wages I am unsure I understood as in your first post you said you earn 60k but later he earns 4 times more.
I don't think one person can be held responsible for that amount of bills.

Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 19:06

Well that’s quite easy....I pay 40% tax, I pay my ex £320 maintenance as my teenage son lives with him, I pay £300 per month professional indemnity insurance and after mortgage, council tax, bills and £450 debt repayments I simply don’t have that amount left...I also am expected to pay half of expensive holidays he wants to go on and am always paying out for shopping etc already..one example being he just this week insisted I spent £1000 on his birthday because he spent that on mine...and my salary falls by £800 per month as from next month

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 06/03/2018 19:06

It's at times like this that you see someone for what they truly are. Don't even think of moving in with him.

Oh and look for someone your own age, too! It might not be as important when you're younger but he'll be retired in ten years' time and you won't - and he'll still want you to pay more than your share, too.

Bigpizzalover · 06/03/2018 19:15

I don’t understand why you would be paying bills if your home is rented out - tenants cover bills and rent, you would only need to cover buildings insurance through a landlord policy.

I don’t understand why £500 is an issue without knowing the overall cost of running his home, you should pay 1/4 of the bills if him and his 2 children are also using gas/electric/water etc.

It’s advised that rent should be at least 125% of the mortgage payment and up to as much as 145% so mortgage and unexpected costs are covered.

And I wouldn’t be cleaning without living there, aside from the usual he cooks dinner you do the plates/tidying up after yourself etc.

If he isn’t prepared to have a proper discussion about this I think that sets the precedent of how the relationship will be if you do move in, his way only.

Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 19:19

I am just renting two rooms out to Lodger’s and leaving two free as my son is finishing uni soon and may need a bedroom...and I have an issue with the £500 as it is well over half the running costs of his home including the expenses of two kids that aren’t mine!

OP posts:
HipsterAssassin · 06/03/2018 19:46

Well that makes things clearer.

Insists you spend £1000 on his birthday because he spent that on you?

This alone would make me consider if this is the sort of man I want to throw my lot in with. It says a lot about him. And not nice.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 06/03/2018 19:59

It's a difficult thing, though, isn't it? In theory you'll be making more money because you'll be renting two rooms, though of course there'll be costs involved with that, too. I don't know what the right thing to do here, but I don't like his attitude, as though you're trying to rip him off.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 06/03/2018 20:03

He is a twat.
His behaviour is twatish.
There is no cure for twatism.. Stay in your home home and clean it - and live a nice twat - free life.
Get a cat, much more appealing than a life with Twatman.

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