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Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend

51 replies

Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 18:02

I would like some thoughts/advice about moving in with my boyfriend. I earn about £60000 per year and own my own house with a large mortgage. He earns £200000 + per annum and has no mortgage on his house. I am moving knot his house but not selling mine and putting tenants in it to help pay the mortgage although I will still pay bills and council tax. My boyfriend wants me to pay £500 per month from me to cover bills and shopping but I think this is very steep considering he has no mortgage, I still have a house to maintain and he has his two young children approximately 70% of the week. He has cancelled his cleaner as I do all the cleaning in his house even though we don’t live together yet...am I alone in thinking he is just asking for too much money?

OP posts:
froggybiby · 06/03/2018 20:13

Shock I missed a 0 from what your partner is earning...I should have put my glasses on. I hope you haven't moved yet...I wouldn't do it. He seems far too material for my liking.

froggybiby · 06/03/2018 20:22

Materialistic I meant.

JoJoSM2 · 06/03/2018 21:21

You’re currently paying a mortgage but when you move out, you’ll presumably get a lot more than £500 in rent and you won’t pay tax on the income (is that one of the reasons why you’re going down the lodger route?) so you’ll profit from moving in with him even contributing £500 per month?

You doing cleaning is a bit ridiculous but that’s your choice (baffling frankly). The whole birthday budget also sounds weird - why wouldn’t you just say that’s more than you can afford and get him a present that you’re happy getting?

I don’t know where you think your relationship is heading and if you were hoping for joined finances and marriage but I gather that your bf is happy with the gf-bf scenario.

Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 21:42

Nope...as I said before I can’t rent my house out as I have a son who needs a home when he finishes university this summer so must keep space from him - simple as that! I’m not profiting from paying someone else’s bills and their kids bills when I could have a lodger and still live in my own house.

I’m sorry you find my choice to do his cleaning so baffling but I guess I’m just trying to help him albeit I’m beginning to feel taken for granted.

And yes the birthday budget may sound weird to you but I was pressured into spending more money than I could and I’m not asking you to understand that.

I was asking for impartial advice on whether paying more than half the bills to a man who earns four times more than me and has no mortgage was a fair split? I don’t think so but my boyfriend is telling me otherwise so

OP posts:
Ariela · 06/03/2018 21:43

I think the 'spend £1000 on his birthday because he spent that on yours' thing is weird.
Birthday (& Christmas) presents, to my mind, are things which delight, amuse, surprise are useful, but above all thoughtfully purchased to take into account the needs, wants and wishes of the recipient.

Monetary value doesn't come into it other than they should be affordable by the sender - one should not get into debt buying presents.

jarviscockerslover · 06/03/2018 21:57

This is all crazy. Run a mile!! Surely you can see your expectations are very out of sync if he won't compromise so there is nowhere to go from here.
Cannot believe the cleaning thing... why on earth would you do that?

burnoutbabe · 06/03/2018 22:08

£500 for share of bills and shopping sounds fair. How much does your current food shop cost in relation to that?

xcxxcx · 06/03/2018 22:14

Why will your salary drop?

He sounds very ... GRABBY?

Where is the love?!

I'd forget this rightaway. Exit gracefully whilst it's easy to.

Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 22:16

My current food shop is about £50 per week tops so I’d still be paying at least £300 if his bills which is more then half and that includes his kids expenses too

OP posts:
Original poster
Pandywebb · 06/03/2018 22:21

We lost a contract at work so as from April I lose £800 per month...and yes you’re right it does feel grabby...it’s not so much about the sheer amount (which I genuinely can’t afford) but the fact that he’s even asking knowing that I can’t and refusing to listen to me...as for the love? Yep I agree, it feels like it’s very conditional and based on what I can provide...I am always spending more to almost get his approval as pathetic as that sounds but I feel like I’m wising up...there’s other issues, he won’t include my family and friends, it it’s not about him he doesn’t want to know, he won’t even set foot in my house and it’s lovely

OP posts:
Lemongingertea80 · 06/03/2018 22:26

I am finding it difficult to get past the point that you are cleaning his house. Why are you cleaning his house?

Does he clean your house?

If his proposal doesn't feel fair, it isn't fair. You obviously already realise this as you are asking the question.

You already have your own house. Why do you want to start renting accommodation from this man? This is not normal relationship behaviour. He is leeching from you!

Why would anyone pay a rich person for permission to live in their house and be their cleaner?? Why would calling this arrangement a relationship make this ok??

Keep your independence.

Jon66 · 06/03/2018 22:27

I don't think 500 a month is too much, it seems fair, but it is his attitude that appears to be the problem with the amount you have been asked to pay being one of the symptoms. It is straightforward really isn't it. If you would struggle to pay that amount and he knows that, and 500 a month is his criteria now is not the right time to move in with him. Put it on hold for a bit and see what happens might be a good plan?

crimsonlake · 06/03/2018 22:43

It sounds as if it is his way or the highway and your friends and family will not be welcome.
I would stay where you are and be there for your son when he comes home from uni, his home is where mum is, not sharing rooms in your house with strangers. How does he feel about your plans?

AndWhat · 07/03/2018 09:32

It seems your bf has a very skewed view of money. I mean having that much disposable income every month means never having to look at a bill or a price in a shop.
Whereas for you even with a high wage you have a much lower disposable spends so the £500 is seen very differently.
Unless you can find a mutal ground I would stay in my own house and stop doing the cleaners job - he’s paying her!

MaidenMotherCrone · 07/03/2018 10:01

These words stand out in your posts Op

Leech off
Won't listen
I'm expected to pay
Bitter
He tells me
He insisted I spend
Pressured
Is telling me
Refusing to listen to me
Get his approval
Won't include my family and friends
Won't set foot in my house

It's not good. In fact it doesn't sound healthy at all.

xcxxcx · 31/03/2018 07:38

OP - what did you decide to do, in the end? I've just re-read the thread and I can't believe he refuses to come to your house?! Doesn't 'do' your friends and family... it's all his way isn't it! He sounds pretty uncaring.

Sending you courage to stay in your own, lovely home...

StormcloakNord · 31/03/2018 07:56

What on earth do you do that requires £300 a month PI insurance?! You can get up to 10mil PI insurance for 300 a YEAR.

That's besides the point though. He's taking the piss. I asked DP if he thinks it's fair and he thinks you're absolutely being taken for a mug, he shouldn't be demanding anything on 200k a year he sounds greedy, grabby and void of any love and respect for you.

StormcloakNord · 31/03/2018 07:58

Ahhh this is an older thread.

LiteraryDevil · 31/03/2018 12:43

He's playing you for an idiot. He is using you and setting you up for a life of living by his rules. I've been there, I can see the red flags flapping in the breeze as can you which is why you're questioning it. Don't move in and end the relationship.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2018 13:06

Really hope you've told this pisstaking twat to get knotted by now.

ConstantStruggler · 31/03/2018 17:30

Well, perhaps he was really stung by his ex.. This however doesnt give him the go ahead to treat you like this. Run a mile.
Or more if needed...

Movablefeast · 31/03/2018 17:36

This guy sounds like an entitled narcisscist. Is he interested in marrying you? Why would you give up your independence for such a self-absorbed man?

Donotbequotingmeinbold · 31/03/2018 17:55

I would not have spent £1000 on his birthday as he asked even if I had intended to before he asked. That request was out of order.

£500 a month for your share of bills and rent and food seems very reasonable to me. You earn a good salary, your own mortgage will be paid by the people you are renting your house to and £500 for food, rent and bills is a bargain no matter where in the UK you live.

If you want to live with someone who dictates your budget for their birthday then get him to get a cleaner and pay £500 a month towards the living costs.

swingofthings · 01/04/2018 14:25

Whatever you've decided OP, I hope you understand that you CANNOT have lodgers in your house if you don't reside in it, including your son. You cannot claim to live there if indeed you are moving in with your partner. The laws with tenants are very different to the laws with lodgers and you don't know what these are, you could ended up in big trouble, so start doing your homework.

As to what is fair very much depends on what is included in the £500. You WILL have to register for council tax purposes to that address, so it's fair you should pay half (as he currently is problaby getting the single adult rate). Your tenants will have to pay the CT at your current address. Then it very much depends on the cost of the electricity/gas bill, whether it includes food shopping, in which case, are you agreeing on that budget, and depends if it includes things like private insurance, gym membership etc... Surely the logic was to ask how he came up with that figure.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 01/04/2018 14:40

I was ok with it until the part where you said he cancelled the cleaner as you are doing it now.

Simply put, moving together should be about giving you both a better standard of living. Instead you are being pressurised to keep up with his expenses, you now have to do the cleaning that he was happy to pay with until you started doing it and on top of that he wants you to pay £500 towards it to keep it fair?

Honestly OP, he may have been hurt/damaged by his divorce but you don’t need to pay for it. Stay where you are, if he doesn’t care that insisting on 50/50 when you are only earning about 1/5 of the mutual income, still are paying your mortgage and have child to support.