Can we survive like this for long? (I've namechanged for this)

[pennypincher]

Would appreciate some opinions please? I've recently gone back to work, DH is staying at home with DS. I am on just over £20k a year. Out of that we have to cover mortgage, council tax, utility bills and household/life insurance which come to around £800. Then there's food, running the car which we need, DH's credit cards (minimum payments), clothes for DS, absolute minimum work clothes for me, cat care, DH's CSA payments (has to pay minimum even though not earning), DS nursery for one day a week (so DH can try to find part time work) - all out of the remaining £500 or so (including tax credit and child benefit). I can't afford new casual clothes, shoes or a haircut; we hardly ever go out or have takeaways; don't know when we'll next get a holiday, etc. God forbid that the boiler breaks down or anything.

The last bit about not affording clothes, shoes, haircuts, etc. has been pretty standard for the last few years but now I've got DS to think of as well. We've got to be able to get things for him. I'm trying to cut down on the food bills as much as poss, but need to make sure DS especially gets a good balanced diet. I make all his food from scratch and most of ours.

This isn't a whinge, I just wanted to put over the situation and get opinions on how sustainable this is in the long term in case DH doesn't have much luck with part time work. Also some advice on money saving would be great. Thank you!

hurrah!

oo beautiful touch of sarcasm there fillyjonk .. I'm impressed .. its so difficult to do in the written word .. but I could virtually hear the intonation ROFL

a baby who is a few months old sleeps .. a lot .. making soups and stews is just a little preperation

I am not saying looking after small children isn't knackering of course it is .. and everyone deserves a break

but in this case they simply can't afford a nursery .. if the money was there then great do it . .. I did it with DS .. but couldn't afford to when DD came along

fillyjonk .. I'll have your children for you if you want a day out in London

In answer to the OP, I do think you need some sort of second income in the long term. Get your dh doing something part time. Is your dh registered as unemployed? Is he getting the maximum amount of allowances and job seeking help?

I know while your baby is so young, child care is difficult, but that will gradually change. Contact your council to see what help is available for childcare on low incomes. I would definitely let the nursery place go.

If your dh needs to go for an interview, you could take the day off. See if your employer will let you work from home sometimes and/or apply for flexible working. Juggling your hours a bit might help your dh find more time to go job hunting during office hours.

The first thing that jumped out at me was the amount you spend on food.

I think you need to post your shopping list on here, there are some excellent budgeters and they can help you cut the cost.

Good luck with this, I'm on the other side of the CSA and my ex-p hasn't paid this month so I'm £150 down.

I think that you need to list out all of your monthly expenses, as this will helpt you to prioritise. You need to include the childcare number as it is probably close to 10% of your net salary. If you feel that it is a non-negotiable then at least if it is on your list you know that you have to cut your food bill by that amount for example. And dh needs to be clear that that amount is your joint luxury item - there isn't scope for anything else.

I haven't read the whole thread - but know lots of over qualified mums working nights in Tescos because it was the only thing that fitted in with earning some money without having to pay for child care. If they can do it so can your dh - maybe his attitude at the interviews needs to change ?

Politely ignoring Xenia's most helpful comment about first and second families which I will not rise to (except to say I do not consider myself and my son to be a second-best "second" family thank you very much. We are married and in love, she got pg "by accident" and trapped him into an unhappy relationship...) thanks for all your suggestions.

The food/houshold stuff bills might not be that high actually - was trying to think of ball park figure and erring on the side of caution. And that does include absolutely everything bought from the supermarket and other shops. Not just food but non-food household essentials such as cleaning stuff, washing powder etc., basic toiletries, some clothes like underwear and baby vests, cat food, baby stuff, stationary, stamps, etc.etc. The food bit is maybe £35 a week - fresh fruit and veg, frozen veg, fresh meat, bread, baby milk, plain biscuits, fruit juice, baked beans, dairy products, very very occasional ready meals, one bottle of cheap wine a week, oh god I can't think of the rest. Anyway, I'm definitely not extravagant on the food front I don't think, though I agree there are probably ways to save more. I do already hunt out the BOGOF offers etc. though.

Oh just saw the rest of Xenia's second paragraph. First child lives 300 miles away as you'd know if you'd read my other posts!

LizP - there's no probs with his interview technique. DH had a really scummy manual job a while back - he got it with just an interview as he didn't have to submit a CV. Anything where CV/application form required he doesn't get an interview. Perhaps he should falsify his CV?? He's older as well (50+), which doesn't help much.

Totally skipping through the rest of the whole thread, but get your cats eating tins instead of sachets(assuming they are) Saves a small fortune a week.

PP ignore Xenia and her/his/its comments, they are intentionally made to wind you up.

Do a search- its quite a common thing.

She seems to have a problem with people who struggle in life.

Don't get me started on cat food tins! Mine do eat tins exclusively and it's getting harder and harder to find them. I buy Tesco's own food for them mostly but there's only one flavour available that's not in a multipack. Every multipack has at least one flavour that they won't eat so that's a waste of money too - grrrrr!

sorry, pp. It's ust a thing I have - so very many men leave their wife and children, find someone else usually younger and more attractive and then give up work and the new woman works which means they avoid paying what they should to their first family whereas if the new woman stayed home and the man worked I think the maintenance to the first family is higher which is hardly fair on the first family. Could you all move nearer so he can play a bigger role as a parent to his first child? Sorry about the point - but it's a classic pattern for the many men who conveniently lose a job and don't get another because they want to reduce the income of the first family. May not reflect your situation at all. If it's 300 miles away he could still have the child all summer holiday to help ease the position of the other mother in getting work say in that period.

Anyway on the money saving issues I think it can be easier to earn more than cut back. The Tesco evening jobs mentioned might be possible for him. I don't think they turn you down if you're over qualified. My daughter does occasional bar work and she has a degree. Some catering companies will put you on their books and then you can choose which jobs you take on for them so it's casual but at least it's extra money.

I don't know tmmj. I could find out I suppose - I used to bf btw but that all went wrong.
Trouble is, as seen by some people's reactions, £20k tends to put us out of reach of any social help of any sort. We do get tax credits which might hopefully increase from now on with only me earning.

OK, thanks for the more constructive comments Xenia. They actually moved further away from us so the answer would be no I'm afraid. We couldn't afford to live down there in any case and jobs in my sector are extremely hard to come by. His input on the upbringing front is not and never has been welcomed - his daughter is in her teens btw. We try to see her a lot more often than is made possible by his ex.

The reason I work and DH doesn't now is because my job is permanent and his was freelance with no security. He used to work away from home on contracts that lasted a few weeks. That's not possible now. We need the certainty of a regular income and we can't organise childcare for a few weeks here and there unfortunately.

Unless I have missed it elsewhere you don't mention how much your dc's day in nursery costs..but either way it seems that you are already paying £142 pounds a month on things purely related to your dh...can't he see that and realise that the nursery day needs to go - it is hard being a stay-at-home mum or dad, but your child is still very young and it seems early anyway to put him in nursery without an especially valid reason other than that it is hard being a stay-at-home parent (it's like saying you can only work a four day week because it's hard being a full-time employee!). Anyone can get an evening job in a pub/restaurant without the need for whole days spent jobhunting...it's really down to how much he actually wants to get a job. That all sounds harsh, but I just really feel for you - it sounds like you are having to scrimp a lot and having a very hard time yourself in order to take care of your dh, but it doesn't sound like he is showing you the same care. Sorry if I'm stepping over the mark in saying that!. When we had our first child we lived on the same amount for the first year...and managed, but it was hard - but we certainly couldn't have afforded to put dd in nursery because I found being a stay-at-home mum difficult (my dh would probably have lost the plot slightly if I'd have suggested that one!).

Nursery is £27.50 for a day, will work out a bit less as I can get childcare vouchers taken out of my gross pay. He's not starting til last week in February - with half days at first. We don't know anyone round here with children and DH is very very shy about going to mother and baby groups (as was I) and I do want DS to interact with other babies (especially since he's likely to be an only child). Maybe not valid reasons to some of you. But when I can work from home for a day a week as well that'll be two days that DH is available to get some work.

pp, I see. I don't believe in parents after divorce moving away nor making contact difficult. Not fair on the other parent and makes it harder for half siblings to have proper relationships.

When we were first managing with a baby we bought all her clothes in Oxfam (I had no hang ups about new stuff) and my exhusband used to go to church jumble sales and all these lovely old women would find him the best baby clothes and snowsuits they could. Some lasted through 3 of our children. We're always passed clothes down and around the family too for children.

I am lucky enough often to be able to work at home and earn money there but not everyone can. Does he have any skills he could use from home? I sometimes write things and get paid for it and it's very possbile to do that whilst a baby is having a nap. The SUn paid me £350 to write a very few words about divorce last year! Getting paid to allow myself to whinge in public was a pretty good feeling.

hmmmmmmm

What are you hmmming about Mellowma?

I do take on board the nursery comments. However we will need one eventually and this is the only one with places (it's new) and filling up very fast. In a couple of months time I doubt there'll be a place to be had anywhere in our town - hence starting him now.

Not at your pp I have every sympathy with you but not much good at advice as am struggling a little bit atm...

Hope you get some good, helpful advice !!