What's fair?!

[Poppins27]

Sorry in advance as this may end up being a ramble/rant , but if appreciate advice about how others work out the household money.

At present I love with DP who is paid weekly. I'm on maternity leave at present but ordinarily get paid a part time wage approx half of DPs monthly. So until this month (when SMP won't be enough) the household bills come out of my money at the beginning of each month, then when that's gone (pretty much immediately!!) I ask DP for money for everything else. He will stump up when asked, but I feel belittled having to ask. We have 2 children and I do get the CB into my acct which helps.

I have been asking DP for a while to get paid into our joint acct so I don't need to ask for everything (including if I need to buy him s gift for Father's Day/birthday etc). I'm happy for him to have his 'own' money from this but what is fair?!

Should we split bills down the middle (will still leave me with very little in comparison to him ), should it all go in one pot?! I really don't know.

I just feel like my contribution isn't seen as it disappears into the household yet he can spend what he wants as he pleases as the rest is still 'his money '.

I must add if we go anywhere together etc I don't take a penny with me as he will cough up...but sometimes it would be nice to be able to say 'I'll get this'?!

I can never understand why people don't have a family pot for money. I'd be so resentful if my DH was happy to see me struggle whilst he was doing well financially. As it happens, in my marriage I earn the most, but still, I am very happy to lay my whole salary into our family pot.

Different things work for different people but it seems like you are unhappy with the current set up.

Why isn't he covering half of the bills?

Who buys food shopping?
Clothes for the children??
Have you said that actually you would like to go back to work and he can take paternity leave to see how he would like to manage on only half of his salary!!

As a family, then the only reasonable way I can think of is that all money that comes into the household (your wages, his, and child benefit) goes into the one account.
Then all bills and spending come out, then, each of you has the same amount of personal money in a standing order, to do what you want with.

Thanks for replying and making me feel less likely I'm being massively unreasonable.

When we moved into this house I was pregnant with Dd1 who is 4 and as in the one who does all the organising I set up all bills to come out of the joint acct which I'm paid into, mainly as that was when we got a chunk of money to coves all direct debits etc. I then expected DP to also get paid into this acct so we could use his weekly wage to live off.

But that's still to happen.
At one point I did work out all bills and split in half, but getting the half off DP was a pain...and again I was having to 'ask' which I resent.

As for food, if we get a big shop I usually ask for DPs card, but day to day things can be me. And again if I have money from CB I'll buy clothes, if not I ask for some money. Which he will provide, but it comes back to asking and then I feel like he thinks he's done us a favour.

It hit me today when we were talking about decorating DS nursery (5mo ha old and still not done). I made a comment about 'well if we can't afford it...', he said we can....but it hit me that I have no idea what is 'we' or how we are doing because I don't feel we are a 'we' in the financial sense.

Exactly what BackforGood said. All money (inc CB) goes into a joint account which covers all family expenses and you get the same amount (this is key!!) of spending money. Otherwise your DP is saying what you contribute to the house isn't worth the same as what he does and that makes me angry!!

Sorry to just about repeat the PP word for word, but I believe very strongly that one partner shouldn't have to ask the other partner for money to run a household. It's just ridiculous.

What if you did it the other way around? Kept your money for you and told DP to sort the direct debits from his account. Bet he wouldn't like asking for an allowance.

Not saying your DP does it to be controlling or horrible, but that's the end result.

Not surprised you are starting to resent the current set up as you have no money for yourself and it's no coincidence that he never did set up his wages to go into the joint account - you do realise that?

Tonight show your dp your outgoings and tell him you want half of the cost paid into your 'joint' account.

Don't take no for an answer, if he starts making excuses then tell him that you will simply not be paying all the dd next month

I know different things work for different families but I have always found it odd that, once people have children together, take in mortgages, high rents, they still have this split down the middle set up.
It most circumstances the mother takes maternity leave, therefore a drop in wages and therefore at a disadvantage as she is raising the children.
My husband is terrible with money, he always has been, I deal with all of our finances. All of the bills come out of my account, we run a business, therefore I pay both our wages into our accounts and practically use all of it for bills, food clothes, activities for the children etc. He has a small amount left (as do I) after bills are paid and he will use that to buy what he wants (Boxing Tickets normally )
It's just our set up and it works for us.

I do think all of the money should be paid into a joint account then at least all bills could be paid out then you can both see what is left at the end of the month, then split it, even if he wanted to buy an expensive item one month, he could maybe use the spare money and the next month you could keep the balance. Do you think he would agree to this?

On your first post I seriously thought this was a joke.

I can't comprehend why you would pay all the bills... and he contributes to the food and going out, if he feels like it?!

You are a family unit so money should be treated as shared IMHO. Joint wages in to the joint pot. An agreed amount spent on all monthly expenses then the rest shared out for own personal money.

I have been with my partner for 10 years and we still don't have a joint account. Our salary is paid into our own accounts, we earn roughly the same and all direct debits come out of my account but I transfer half of the money from his account to mine. We take it in turns to buy food shopping,fuel etc.

It's worked fine for us over the years and what's left after our half of bills is ours to spend as we want.

Thanks again for the responses. This month will have to change as there won't be enough SMP to cover all bills, so that's what prompted my meltdown with DP initially.

I need to stress that DP does contribute, he pays for the car, all social occasions, and everything else...but I do honesty feel my contribution is forgotten about.

Think I'll suggest one pot, bills and expenses worked out and then he can set up a standing order for his own personal money.

It will be a lesson learnt for him as he wastes money (buys dinner everyday which costs a fair amount) and had never had to budget, whereas I try to be as thrifty as can be, even ebaying to raise much needed extra pennies!! Who knows, we may actually get some savings worked out!!!

We have separate account and a joint account that all bills come out of. We worked out total bills (Inc yearly ones) added 10% split that figure in two and each pay it into joint account. I pay for more food, he pays for more of the social and left over is 'our own' . When we had dependant children and I worked less he paid more into the joint, I paid less proportional on earnings. Your set up is grossly unfair and you need to establish a new clear set up, I think he needs to transfer a set amount into the joint each month that covers all bills plus the 'fuck factor' which is what we call unexpected bills. I would include a monthly clothes allowance for dc, a monthly presents allowance for dc and family birthdays. My dh was very awkward about money at first he really liked the ad hoc arrangement we had like yours but it's not sustainable if you want a happy marriage.