Drowning in debt and cannot talk to people in Real Life? A problem shared is a problem brought into perspective - come and join the lens.

[Ta1kinPeace]

This thread is loosely linked to several previous ones on the same topic.

We live in a society that makes it horribly easy to get into debt but makes it incredibly hard to admit you have a problem and even harder to get out of debt.
Everybody is welcome to share problems, ideas, solutions, but not be judgemental please

I am not in debt, any more.
Here is a link to some spreadsheets that might help explain how
SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc

and lots of people use this
YouNeedABudget

The important things to remember are

• yesterday is as past as the Crimean War

( we will not judge how you got into debt, but we will support you on the way out )

• this is an anonymous forum

( we will not tell your employer, family or friends of the reality of your numbers and we are here day and night )

• this thread is about supporting people through the huge mindset changes needed to come out of debt

( feel free to offload all of the feelings that drive you to want to spend, that make it hard to save and that generally make life crap at times, including getting those closest to you to recognise the changes needed )

Join in, bare your soul and come out the other end.
Its worth it.
You are worth it
The long term results for you, your partner, your children, and your friends and family are worth it.

Does he not wonder where the money is going?
Does he not wonder how you are overweight on the healthy meals you eat together?
I bet he already knows .... on an older one of these threads the husband was delighted it was debt rather than an affair

How do you mean bored?
Are you shopping online or going out to the shops ?

Maybe he does wonder where all the m and s food comes from. Not sure tho. He is very straight forward when it comes to money. If he wants something he will save for it.
I nearly always shop online. Don't really go to the shops. Very rarely go out with friends etc or out at night.
I just need to get a grip really

Go through all of your internet accounts and delete the card details.
Make it so you CANNOT do single click impulse buying - so you HAVE to key in the big long number each time.
If you are not working full time, try to get back into the habit of going down to the shop and looking for bargains.
Also, filling the trolley with real goods will make you see how much you are actually buying.
You need to retrain your brain, but you can do it.
And please, talk to your husband.
THink through with him what you want to do with the spare money when you are debt free.

Hi everyone I've just posted this onto the money saving expert site and I wanted your advice as well. Things are v v bad at the moment, I can't stop crying and not sleeping. Also ds is having problems at school so everything is magnified. I can't talk to anyone incl my Dh which is why I'm in such a mess. To be honest my kids are the only thing stopping me from doing something silly. Please be kind

I'm a first time poster but have read these boards before. My need for help is that I can't step away from credit cards or burying my head in the sand.
My current situation is that we are applying for a larger mortgage (buying a new home and selling our existing), I'm now a stay at home mum so my partner is applying in his name. He asked me if I had any debts and I said no and he then found out that I did- £2400 on an asda card and obviously he is furious so home life at the moment is awful, all my own doing. The main bulk of this was a stupid panic decision I made in the summer. I was late paying the council tax bill and I got a court letter demanding the full amount or see us in court. This was something that couldn't happen because we were looking at properties then so I stupidly put it onto an empty credit card I had when I should have told him but I just couldn't I was so scared. Then rather than clearing it I started using it again on silly things, food shopping, petrol and stuff for the kids.
This on its own probably wouldn't be too bad but I did this before. I got myself into massive debts a few years ago (£26k) all secretly until he found out. To clear it all I took the money out of my isa account which is for our mortgage. To pay this all back I now do ironing from home and pay £300 every month into my isa.
So my question is what do I do. The debt needs repaying but if I tell the c c company they will probably put it as a default and then our mortgage will never go through. Home life will then go from bad to a whole lot worse and I'm not coping as it is.
From my ironing work I normally get between £150-£250 a week and then once a month I pay £300 to my isa from this.
Our outgoings are: £632 and I get £138 child benefit and my partner pays into the joint acc £1000 monthly
At the moment I have £380 in cash (ironing money and birthday money) and I return the Xmas presents I bought on the card and not go to a Xmas do next weekend I can manage £500. I have quite a few bags of clothes I can take to the cash for clothes which i can drop off in the week.
What else can I do? If I tell the credit card company what will happen?
At the moment my ability to think straight has gone.
Many thanks

How much are you repaying on the card each month?
The minimum?
By direct debit?

Thought so.
They like it like that : you'll be paying them for the next 18 years.

Time to beat them at their own game and turn your life around.
Cancel the direct debit. Right now.
Then go into your online banking and set up a standing order for double what you paid them this month.
That bill will be gone in less than a year.

Oh and cut the card up as well.

You'll probably have to slightly reduce what is going back into the ISA
but it is earning under 2%
and you are paying out over 20%
so it makes sound economic sense

Yes the minimum or sometimes a bit over. Yes card is now in the bin. It's not a massive amount owed and is clearable within 5 months if I chuck all of my spare money at it but in my head it feels like 100k.
Things are so bad at home I constantly feel sick and am dreading Xmas.
Thank you for you reply xx

It's not a massive amount owed and is clearable within 5 months if I chuck all of my spare money at it
Do that.
And then you need to start to keep a diary.

On the diet threads we suggest mood / food diaries for the over eaters

You need to start to analyse what sets you off on spending you will regret
and get to the bottom of it so that when you move house you'll never have to go through this stress again.

Things are so bad at home I constantly feel sick and am dreading Xmas.
So the spending is a symptom of much more going on.
Go out for a walk and then start to make a list in your head

3 things you can do to make it a bit better today
3 things you can do to make it a bit better in the next week
3 things you can do in the next month
and ignore all of the other problems once you have prioritised.

If you've read the threads you know I talk about onion peeling
take each layer off one by one till youu ge to the core problem
by which time it will be a LOT smaller.

You'll be fine

I definitely am an overspender and never think about tomorrow for example a few months British Gas put £280 into the account for the overpayments so rather than using that money wisely I decided I needed a new Hoover and talked myself into getting a dyson. A day later I was kicking myself. Never normally as expensive as that just daily frittering. I think if I wrote every penny spent down I'd be shocked.
I'm terrible at food planning as well and I have to get on top of this as i waste so much.
The dh issue is a whole other problem. I find it very hard talking to him about things. He does shift work and is hard to discuss things with him. If I tell him something when he gets in in the morning he shouts because "how can I sleep now when you've just told me that" and if it's before he goes to work it's the same. I'm walking on eggshells all the time. The answer I suppose is to book a slot with him when he's able to talk.
We've been together 25 years and sometimes/most days I do wonder why

The answer I suppose is to book a slot with him when he's able to talk.
Absolutely.
Book a meal out together : Chinese, set menu so you order once at the start and then sit and chat for a couple of hours with no distractions.

Interesting that you have just identified that you are an impulsive spender
CBT and Mindfulnes can work wonders for that
deferred gratification is a skill that you were not taught as a kid.
Its harder to learn as an adult but you CAN do it
and your life will get a lot happier when you do.

Start writing down EVERYTHING you spend - including 50p on a donut
and try to plan your meals : see if you can eat from the cupboards for three days

it will take time to change your mindset
but it will be worth it
and you will feel better about yourself

Thank you for being so kind and not judging. If anyone had come to me with my problems I would told them exactly what you have said....so why is it so hard to sort myself out!

so why is it so hard to sort myself out!
Because words are easy, actions are a darned sight harder.

Set yourself small targets and then work up

but DEFINITELY book supper with your DH before Christmas and clear the air so you have a nice time together

This is so typical I've just brought him a cup of tea and told him that I had posted a message on the money saving website and was waiting for a reply. I thought he might want to read it and maybe then it could start the conversation in a non shouty way. But no he doesn't, no interest at all

But did you tell him about it or expect him to go and look?
You need to be more straightforward.
He knows you are stressed.
He's probably guessed its about money.
Sit down next to him with your cup of tea and start to talk.
Do not delay.

He had told me to have a look on that site and ask them for help. Which is what I did this morning, it took a lot to do this which he knew. I told him I had been on the site and had posted a message and had my phone in my hand with the message on it and would he like to read it. He just say no and changed the subject. This is why I find it so hard. He will either be too busy to talk or go apeshit when I finally build up the courage.

He will either be too busy to talk or go apeshit when I finally build up the courage.

Start the conversation with
"I've had advice from what I posted and will be back in a happy place within 6 months. Would you like to hear how?"

And follow it up with
"Part of the plan is to eat out of the cupboards and freezer for the next few days, shall we menu plan?"

Be assertive.
It will make you feel better

Ahright
Did you talk to him, or at least book a meal out to talk to him?
And have you rejigged the standing orders to get that debt whumped ASAP ?

Hello talkin, no news on dh. He's on nights at the mo so comes in in the morning and straight to bed. He has some days off this week so I'll pick my moment wisely.
I probably sound a bit dim but how do I set up a standing order? Do I contact the c card people or through the bank? It sounds like a very good plan.
I seem to be lurching from one disaster to another. Ds has/is been bullied badly at school and now his behaviour is shocking. So now the situation is turning around to him and the way he is behaving at school. It seems like every day I'm in the office or they are calling me. He's in yr 6 and I dread to think what the next 6 months will be like as its getting worse every day. He's so angry and stressed at school I feel so sorry for him. Example is that on Friday they were cutting up a heart. One of the main culprits sits behind him and was waving a bloody glove at his face and wiping it on his jumper. All the teacher saw was ds giving the boy a big shove. I've said over and over again to get help and not deal with himself but he just can't. His teacher called me at home Friday night and it was the first id heard of it. So I now have to deal with this tomorrow morning. Sick to the back teeth of everything

Bank : log in to your online banking. Have the credit card statement in front of you and there will be a button to do it.
THe card company will not like it at all so do not tell them
if needs be phone the bank and they will talk you through it.

Your son :
year 6 is a horrible year and this has been a VERY long term.
Count down the days and then concentrate on lowering the stress in the house
as he will be picking up on your mood.

Can I join please? I've name changed for this thread for obvious reasons because I'm ashamed. I should be in bed but I'm struggling to sleep for the worry. I'm in my mid-40's, I've spent my entire adult life in and out of debt (usually in) and I'm sick of it.

I've been an idiot over the last year or so and got myself into shitloads of debt that I don't know how to get out of. Some of the debt I have something to show for it (car) but most of it I don't. I don't know where to start to get rid if it. I'm not in arrears on any of the debts but I'm worried that in a few months I might struggle to meet the full repayments due to an upcoming change in circumstances (for various reasons, I'm moving from employment to self employment).

I'm repaying a lot each month (£353) in total and I'm considering approaching my bank for a consolidation loan to pay them off and reduce the monthly repayments, but I'm not sure they'd give it to me anyway due to my circumstances changing soon. To make matters worse, I've just gone £3 over my overdraft limit because I miscalculated when a payment was going into my account, so I'll probably have a fee now too even though the payment I'm expecting should go into my account tomorrow (Tuesday).

I currently owe the following:

£3750 on car finance with 37 months left to pay. Think the rate is around 4.5%. Currently pay a fixed payment on this of £121.98 per month (although can overpay or pay it off without penalty).

£5500 on a bank loan with 42 months left to pay. That's on a rate of 4.2%. Currently pay a fixed payment of £130.95 (although can overpay or pay it off without penalty).

£1300 on credit card. That's 0% until June 2017. Currently pay £100 per month towards this via Standing Order, so if I can keep it up it'll be paid off in 13 months so a few months before the 0% rate ends.

£503 overdraft (limit is £500). This goes when I get paid but creeps up through the month.

So just over £11,000 of debt in total , being paid off at a rate of £353 per month. I'm just so pissed off at myself, just so annoyed and angry that I've got into debt yet again. I'd really appreciate some advice on the best way forward - should I try for a consolidation loan or just plough on with the repayments as best I can?

I'm sure talking will give you much better advice but I'd be wary of taking out a loan. That's what got me into such a mess a few years ago. I did the loan and then started using the card again so in no time I was paying loan and card payments. It then all snowballed and i lost control. If you are someone who is v careful and sensible then go for it but if you was you would'nt be posting here at silly o'clock
Do u have to go self employed? How stable will your income be?

)))))))) Consolidation Loans (((((((
Spawn of the devil.

The two loans you are stuck with and the rates are fully bearable.
Leave them alone.

Credit card : aim to have it at zero by the end of the zero so you are on track. Well done.

Now throw EVERYTHING at the overdraft to get rid of it

once its gone, throw money at the unsecured loan
look after the car

and then the hard bit : analyse your spending, TO THE PENNY, and work out what drives to yo buy shit you do not need
as good things are not an issue
its the stuff you later regret that has to go

you'll be fine :-)

Hmm, you could be right Ahright, although my plan was to get a consolidation loan then cut up my credit cards and pay off the loan ASAP, with overpayments when possible. As I mentioned though, I'm not sure I'd get one anyway due to going SE.

I need to go self employed for several reasons. Don't want to out myself but I'm a single parent and my parents currently do my wraparound/holiday childcare but they can no longer do so as they're elderly with health problems and paid childcare doesn't fit my working hours (cannot change my hours). I have literally no-one else to help. My job is also hugely stressful. I've suffered from stress/anxiety/a form of OCD for many years and my job has made that so much worse, especially in the last few years. I've sat at my desk and wept from the stress and overwhelm numerous times but nothing is done. I've had thoughts of driving into a tree or something just so I don't have to go in. So going self employed, while financially more unstable, is the only way forward for numerous reasons. My income will drop from around £1700 per month to approx £1300-1400 per month. If I didn't have the debts I'd be fine but I do have them, hence the feelings of panic.

Forgot to mention, I used to have a small amount of savings (about £800) but my savings now stand at 1p as I've used them up over the last few months just to survive. I now have no backup money at all.

Moneyfornothing
If you are planning to change your income then do not change anything on your debts.

You will find that working from home is much cheaper than working in an office

• save on travel
• save on clothes
• save on coffee by the jar not mug
• save on food
• save on child care

so chances are the £350 a month drop will be saved back in money and stress

Thanks Ta1kin, think our posts crossed earlier. You're right - a consolidation loan isn't the way to go. I was just panicking.

I'm aiming to keep the card repayments at £100. If the first few months of self employment are tight, I'll reduce this slightly then push it back up as soon as I can. My income includes working tax credits and a bit of housing benefit, so things might be tight while they're reassessed due to my change in income.

Not sure how I'm going to clear the overdraft given that I'm struggling to keep my head above water. All unnecessary spending stops now, so hopefully that'll help to make a dent in it. As it's a £500 overdraft, I'll aim to clear it within five months.

It'll be a tough slog but I'm determined to get there...and never get into unmanageable debt again. Thanks for your support and replies so far. Off to read the full thread now (I only found it last night).

Can anyone advise me on mortgage booking fees? I'm about to renew my fixed rate and my monthly payment will be going down which is great. The best rate I can get has a £450 booking fee attached to it. Do I have to pay that up front?
I don't have that to spare so would need to go for a slightly higher rate with no fees. But my monthly payment will still come down so it's win-win really!