Living on (not even a shoe-string) - maybe velcro

[helenrigby]

I've just returned from the supermarket, it was mad. Folk pushing trolley's chokka with food (some of which will without doubt will be thrown away), presents galore, and enough drink to satisfy a regiment. The music made me smile, all the staff were dressed in either Christmas jumpers or onesies. The Salvation Army band were playing just outside the door, it always gives me a lump in throat when I listen to festive music. There were lots of wonderful offers on and I was very grateful for the mince pie on offer at the door.

Trouble is I had spent my morning going through every hiding space that a coin could possibly end up in. We had run out of toothpaste, I had two potato cakes in the bread bin, a jacket potato, two eggs, oatflakes and some rice which needs to last me until Tuesday. On Tuesday I will get £80 family allowance and that needs to pay my food through until I get paid on the 2nd Jan. This is to feed four of us. There will be no presents this year, there are no treats, and food will be minimal.

I'm not unemployed, I'm not on benefits. I am the new breed of velcro-family. I earn money so am not entitled to any help from anywhere. I have a mortgage, and I have a car (which enables me to work). To look at us we would not be obviously having money issues, and we act it out well. The Kids have automatically become good at pulling the wool - because they are too embarrassed to let friends know any different. The organisation that I work for changed peoples contracts during the year, it meant that I am now on a dreaded zero hour contract. I have lost around £10,000 per year on the new contract, but on top of that because the organisation closes for Christmas and Easter, I now will not got any pay for two weeks of those periods. I am entitled to holiday pay, and have around 7 days owing me, but even though I asked if I could have it at Christmas to offset the two weeks without pay, they have said that they can't pay me until March.

Anyway, back to the supermarket. I manged to scrape enough money for a tube of toothpaste. I walked in and went straight to the dental isle. I met a few people I know and had a nice chat with them. On the way out I gave my change of 3p to the Salvation Army. Hopefully they will be able to do more with it by adding it to their funds, than I could do with it. When I got home I had one of the potato cakes for my Breakfast/Lunch. I organised the rest between my three Children.

I live one day to the next. I don't know what we will eat tomorrow, and am always positive of my ability to make a small amount of money go a very long way. I heard someone joking about the food-bank the other day, about not knowing anyone who needs it, and what's it all about anyway. Trouble is I'm not even able to apply to the foodbank, because I earn. Embarrassing though it is, I am hungry.

The other thing that does upset me is the way that companies speak to you. I am proud od always paying my way, but the way things are I have to pay things when I have the money and not necessarily on the day that it was supposed to be paid. The customer service staff at these companies speak to me like I am dirt, asking why I didn't pay on the set date, why have I not got the money, why am I not sorted. It's hurtful. I am trying so hard, I don't have any debts, no credit card, no store cards, and I am trying to find another job, which is proving difficult.

My Kids are brilliant. They all have part time jobs and all understand that at the moment the money all has to go in the one pot. One of my Daughters is working as a Waitress doing 13 hour shifts from 5pm to 6am over Christmas for minimum wage, and she is shattered. Not only that, the hotel chain she works for doesn't even provide them with any food and little breaks whilst on the shift.

I will get out of this rut, and I will be able to hold my head up high. Because I don't let anyone know about my situation I have no one to let off steam to, which is why I decided to just write it down. I know I'm not alone in this new Velcro Brigade. Velcro seemd an appropriate way of putting it, as when money comes in the velcro fastens slightly, but everyday it undoes, and I re fasten it just a bit, only for it to undo again.

This is rough op. Defintley see if you can get a foodbank referal. Have ypu checked if ypu can get tc or cb?

Mumsnet. Thanks for your message on here. A couple of people have inboxed me with help and I have thanked them for their offers. I am not on here for any help either financially or otherwise. As I stated to those who inboxed me, I have always been independent and done everything on my own. I had just had enough of the way companies in particularly were treating me and I just constantly want to shout that I am trying so hard. This last year has been such an eye-opener. I have never been so tired and exhausted. When I had two jobs I was like a duracell bunny and just kept going - the difference being that I had no stress about money. I am not someone who lives for money, it has never shaped who I am. This last year has made me realise what a difference money does make, and how it shapes people's impression of you.
This is the first post I have ever done. Because no-one other my Kids knows the situation we are in, I have had no-one to talk to about it. This seemed to be a good site to just let of some steam and tell someone.

I totally understand your message reference not everyone being who they say they are, but just want to say that I'm not after anything from anyone. I've managed this far on my own and will manage in future on my own. Thanks for everyone's kind comments though, they have been much appreciated.

@helenrigby

Mumsnet. Thanks for your message on here. A couple of people have inboxed me with help and I have thanked them for their offers. I am not on here for any help either financially or otherwise. As I stated to those who inboxed me, I have always been independent and done everything on my own. I had just had enough of the way companies in particularly were treating me and I just constantly want to shout that I am trying so hard. This last year has been such an eye-opener. I have never been so tired and exhausted. When I had two jobs I was like a duracell bunny and just kept going - the difference being that I had no stress about money. I am not someone who lives for money, it has never shaped who I am. This last year has made me realise what a difference money does make, and how it shapes people's impression of you. This is the first post I have ever done. Because no-one other my Kids knows the situation we are in, I have had no-one to talk to about it. This seemed to be a good site to just let of some steam and tell someone.

I totally understand your message reference not everyone being who they say they are, but just want to say that I'm not after anything from anyone. I've managed this far on my own and will manage in future on my own. Thanks for everyone's kind comments though, they have been much appreciated.

Hi HelenRigby
Please be assured that we're not trying to put you off posting at all, so don't feel like you have to manage on your own. Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make parents lives easier.
We know that MNers have been able to help people like yourself get back on their feet in many different ways.
Very best to you and your family
Kindest
MNHQ

Vent away Helenrigby, anything that helps is good! Still think you should investigate the food bank though

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. We have been struggling too, as dh has been out of work for a year and a half and because I work part time he was entitled to no help. With my salary we could afford to eat but couldn't pay the mortgage. They are so unfriendly when they call us asking us to make a payment and don't seem to understand that we really don't have the money. We could never take out mortgage protection insurance due to working on contracts and we had savings to see us through 3 months but that ran out a long time ago. We even put our house on the market but houses are slow to sell in our area (they ate building new houses just down the road).

Fortunately dh has just started a new job and once he gets paid at the end of January things will improve. In the meantime we now have to find the money for petrol so he can get to work (an hour's drive away) ..

However if you are in Yorkshire I have cans of soup etc that my dd won't eat that might help you til you get paid.

You can be proud of yourself and your children.

to the last comment. I knew that others would be in the same situation. It's awful that companies and particularly banks treat you with such disrespect. We do want to pay, and believe me as you understand the stress and feeling of failing is horrible, so the last thing you need is a customer service agent (in my banks case somewhere in India), asking you why you are a failure and almost threatening you.
When I had money from my two jobs the bank loved me, they wanted to do all sorts for me. I was sensible, but as I had once survived an illness that could have cut my life short I also do like to ensure that we live life to the full. I paid over and above my mortgage for the 9 years of my two jobs, I also paid into a savings account for each of my children so that they have a lump sum when they are 21. The Kids did all do lots of activities and we went on a holiday each year.
The bank has forgotten about me doing that, and now the heavy handed tactics are in play. As I stated before, I am only ever a couple of weeks over the date of paying my bills (so goodness knows what it must be like for those who have gone a few months over), but I am made to feel terrible. I got to the stage where I actually turned my phone off and went in to the bank to plead with them to stop their customer services from calling me. The people physically in the bank are so understanding, but those on the telephone are not.

As I stated before, this is my first ever post. I have never been into the internet before, and my first time on Mumsnet was yesterday, but I had heard good things about it.

When I had job A and job B neither one knew of each other. The secret service would have been interested in me, if they had known how I managed it. Job A was an on-site job, whilst job B was based at home but running my own calender. It worked very well, and I was fortunate that on job B my Boss kind of new that I was doing something else some days but as long as I got the job done he turned a blind eye. He even warned me about the first lot of redundancies that the company were having, to tell me to look for another job internally as our department was being amalgamated into another area.
The two jobs were polar opposites to each other, job A was very much on-site but loud, in the muck and grime, hands on and manual. job B was very IT based, communication, business conferences, report writing etc. The salaries from each were pretty much the same, the benefits were totally different but created for me and my family a fantastic situation. It was hard to keep the two going, the only people who knew about it were the Kids and one of my friends. I did become a master of administration and the ability to think on the spot. I would plan meticulously to ensure that both could be done. There were the occasional times when I would need to do something drastic, but it worked. Sometimes I would need to rush in from the muck and grime, get a quick shower and put on my suit to go to a meeting. Once I had a meeting quickly with someone where I literally put a business coat on over my Job A uniform and quickly met someone for a business lunch.

Mumsnet comments though relevant have shown the 'Assumption Trap' that I have lived with for the last 12 years. When I was earning well and had the benefits that I did, I was constantly questioned by people who both did and didn't know me 'how come you can afford this when your a single parent', 'Why can you go there when your a single-parent', 'why have you got a car like that when your a single-parent', 'you shouldn't be taking your kids to Florida (which I did about 10 years ago after my major surgery) when your a single-parent. People could not cope with my being able to afford things and be a single parent, because I fell outside their idea of a single-parent.
Now because of circumstances I am in a situation where I am struggling, I put this post on, and the automatic assumption from the Mumsnet post was that 'I was after something, I was out for getting something from people'.
I'm not putting any blame onto Mumsnet, so please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm in a situation where I can't win as a single parent. If I earn a lot people are almost disgusted that you are doing well as a single parent, and if I am struggling, and just want to talk about it I am viewed as someone who is after something.
It's a very grey area and extremely frustrating when I'm just wanting to actually be normal and just pay my way, and be able to hold my head up and say that we as a family are doing ok.

HelenRigby

The Mumsnet post is basically to cover themselves, lots of folk on mumsnet over the years have found themselves concerned about people, gave money etc & it turned out to be a hoax.

They put it in every thread when people start offering stuff.
It is absolutely not a judgement on you, it's really not.

This is a great site for support, please don't be put off. X

Yup, have seen the same message from MN appear on every thread where someone has offered something to another poster who's in financial difficulty. It's nothing aimed at you.

It sounds like you've done an amazing job in horrible circumstances and you have amazing DC who are just as hard working as their mum. Please don't feel bad about seeking help from a foodbank or applying for benefits if you qualify for them. We all pay into the welfare system as part of our taxes and for those of us who give to foodbanks regularly, it's just another way of supporting those who may need your help but not be able to ask directly for it. An extension of the kind of village/community mentality that would have seen people support their neighbours when it was more common to actually know them!

If you're not already on there, I would recommend joining the moneysavingexpert.com forums - there are loads of tips on there on saving money, and some great support on debt management, dealing with banks and creditors etc.

This is exactly the sort of person we want to help. You won a property now and the children have a very good work ethic and one is at university. It will all be fine in the end.

I wonder if you could get some temporary work as your own work has dried up over Christmas, your daughter might know if her Waitrose needs more helpers.

It sounds like the bigger problem is that two jobs reduced to one and that one is £10k less a year than it was. I wonder if your skills are transferable to a higher paid sector. There is definitely an upturn in London at present in terms of opportunities and jobs so we might find that trickles out into other bits of the country after a very long recession, soon. Things should also be a bit easier when your son graduates compared to other more recent graduates.

You could try local churches as well as food banks. Lots of people want to help others particularly at this time of year. What is so unfair is I could have a restaurant meal or work function with food, eaten out many days of the year which I would not pay for if I wanted for work things and I reject just about all of them as I cannot be bothered and those in much lower paid work never get the free food which some of us are awash with of which so much goes to waste. Mind you we are eating up eggs well beyond sell by dates at home at present as I cannot bear any waste. One unemployed previous successful man who ended up sleeping in his car writing recently in the press said he used to go to all invitation from parents at school, school functions and the like and had to stuff his face with serving after serving of the free food most people just picked at, to get enough to eat.

^^ yy to Fanny's comment above.

Posters on Mumsnet have shown me such kindness and support in my darkest hour that I always feel it's my privilege to offer something back when I can. As per the (standard) mumsnet caution, I never offer more than I can afford - emotionally or financially.

You sound like you have a lovely family OP. I hope you get to enjoy some time together over Christmas.

And do check out what you are entitled to receive - the 'entitled to' website has a good questionnaire to help you along

If you post all your income and outgoings there, they will rip it to shreds (in a lovely, kind, positive and helpful way) and tell you where you can make adjustments.

Sorry by 'there' I mean MoneySavingExpert, the site run by Martin Lewis. Go to the 'forum', they have a debt free area, I know you're not in debt but the principle of struggling financially remains the same.

helenrigby , I get it I also am a single parent have been for more that a decade now, and have always worked. I have also been where you are now(more than once).
I just wanted to let you know what someone said to me , doing what we do and ,what many do is a life full of quiet bravery. You are brave , and I know sometimes you don't feel it but you have given your children a fantastic start in life , knowing that they are loved and that they always have you to turn to. Sending you my best and kindest thoughts x

I agree with feelingdizzy that being a single parent with full responsibility for your family is very brave. I think we don't give ourselves enough credit.

I can only imagine how stressful it is to be on zero hours contract.

I hope you find something soon.

Also the fact that your kids contribute towards family expenses their full wages says a lot about how well you brought them up!

You sound like a lovely family. Hope 2015 is a good one for you.

Just wanted to say you sound like you're doing great. Don't be offended by MNHQ message. Honestly, it's a standard response, just like anything which others may 'invest' in like mental health.

Hi. Thanks for the responses. Well we've managed to get to the end of Monday night - Two of the Children are still at work (due back at around 12 - which is the earliest this week for my Daughter, bless her), we've all been fed, amazing what you can do with rice, eggs, and mash potato. Tomorrow I get £80 so bring on Christmas Dinner (well tea, cos my Daughter is working Christmas 11 till 6pm).

Merry Christmas, hope you have a good one.

You too

Merry Christmas

Silly thing OP
pootle down to the supermarket about 20 mins before it closes tomorrow
there are lots of very strange people there then (including one of my colleagues)
who revel in getting the ultimate bargains - it might be the last turkey in the shop, but it might also be under £3

Merry xmas helen. Talkin is right there are usually lots of bargains to be had at the end of the day on Xmas eve. My friend got a turkey crown for £1 last year and spuds/sprouts/parsnips for 20p each.

Your posts are very moving, I would be more than happy to share some of the food we have stuffed into our cupboards and fridge. I grew up very very poor and know your situation well. I wish you and your lovely kids all the best.

Helen
You mention your ire at banks.
And they deserve it.
But there is a really good way to get one over on banks : which is to reduce their profits without inconveniencing yourself.

Do you or your kids have any credit or store cards that are incurring interest because you've only been able to pay the minimum?

Have a look at the spreadsheets on this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/1987219-SPREADSHEETS-for-Debt-Control-Budgeting-Mortgages-etc
If you cancel the direct debit and set up a standing order in its place
the repayment term on the card drops from 18 to 2 years
without any extra money leaving your bank than it did this month
Cool huh!

To imalostcause. So glad to hear that your hubby has got a job now, the relief must be immense - all the best to you for a fantastic fruitful 2015.

Thank you Helen It'll be a long haul til things improve, but we'll get there.

Merry Christmas.