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Original poster

Mother keeps asking for money AFTER CSA liability has ended

88 replies

jonzie55 · 02/12/2014 15:33

My husband's CSA payments ended in July 2011. The child was then 19. I have since found out that the mother has been asking for more money from my husband and I have just found out that in the 3 years since his CSA obligations ended, he has paid out a total of £8,000 to her, without my knowledge. As you can imagine I am very upset by this. I fear he felt pressured by her and just paid what she asked for a quiet life. What I'd like to know is, would he be able to claim this money back through the Courts? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks.

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 02/12/2014 16:06

So he had the child two years after he began the relationship with you? And you found out just now? YANBU to be really, really mad that he didn't tell you about the child and financial commitments before.

Are you going to talk to him about what happened and why he kept such an important think a secret from you for so long?

CogitOIOIO · 02/12/2014 16:07

If you've been together 24 years (1990?) living together since 1993 and the DS was born in 1992 then - agreeing with others - it sounds like he became a father when he was meant to be in a relationship with you. The money is not the problem here.

listed · 02/12/2014 16:08

Omfg right it wasn't clear from your op that you didn't know about the child!

Agreed the £8k is the least of your worries.

I'd be slinging him out asap - you're focusing on the wrong part of this!

Castlemilk · 02/12/2014 16:08

So this is from a pregnancy that happened when he was with you, he then lied to you for 20 years about his infidelity and his child and -well, everything?

Your anger here is misdirected. Use it more wisely - to divorce this utter lying untrustworthy cheating wanker and get whatever you can from him. Let's hope it's a lot more than 8K.

You can't forgive this level of deceit. He's made your whole marriage a lie, which after 20 years isn't far short of making your whole life a lie. Don't kill yourself inside by trying to make this ok. Dump him.

Original poster
jonzie55 · 02/12/2014 16:09

Sorry - I'm a novice when it comes to forum posts and I'm taken aback by the variety of comments and language used. (Now wish I'd not posted as I'm feeling bad enough as it is). Sorry for my maths but I'm still in shock. I met husband in 1990, moved in with him in 1993, married later in 1999. Child born in 1993 which I only found out about last night when I saw CSA papers. Just angry with him I suppose that I didn't know anything for all these years and angry with him for paying money when he didn't need to. He never wanted anything to do with the child; not interested one bit; not a fatherly man by any means and from what I can gather so far, the money was because the child wanted a car amongst other things.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 02/12/2014 16:10

So he's been unfaithful to you then?

I am sorry about that.

Obviously that's the main thing you need to sort out between you.

Regarding his child - his legal obligation ends when the child reaches a certain age but if a parent wants to continue to give their child money or support the other parent in caring for the child they share - they are allowed to do that. In fact, it's a good thing (although I totally understand why it sure as shit won't seem like it to you!)

Your child doesn't stop being your child once they hit 18. Parents continue to support their children long after that quite often. If it was your husband's choice to do so, as the child's parent he has that right. It really isn't a question of suing for the money back. He chose to give money for his child.

I don't think the courts would be interested. Parents give money to their children. What grounds are there for him to sue?

Again, I am really sorry that you are dealing with this but I think you're wanting to go after the wrong people here.

Castlemilk · 02/12/2014 16:11

Oh, and I guess it can be assumed from this scenario that he's been a shit dad as well as a lying scumbag H - if his son has spent his life being a dirty little secret, I think it's fair to say he won't exactly have felt welcomed and included in his dad's life, made to feel part of his family, important and loved. Not only did your H compromise your life, he's also shown that he didn't put his own child's wellbeing above that of keeping his arse clean with you.

Disgusting man.

listed · 02/12/2014 16:12

Out of interest do you have kids with him?

Not wanting to have anything to do with the child makes him even more of an utter shit.

Look, the only decent thing in all of this is that he paid for his child, plus if he bought the kid a car then.... Frankly it's the elegant he could do.

I actually think the money paid to the child is the only positive in this.

CantBeBotheredThinking · 02/12/2014 16:12

Jonzie you have no hope of getting the money back as it was given not lent so forget about that. Whether he wanted anything to do with the child or not is irrelevant he IS a father and needed to take responsibility. You need to face up to the lies he has told you rather than blaming the mother or child.

listed · 02/12/2014 16:13

Sorry, "least" he could do.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 02/12/2014 16:14

Well the money is the least of your worries but no, of course he cant take her to court just because his wife found out! There is no law that says absent fathers mustnt support their children after the age of 18. There are no grounds whatsoever to claim it back.

LIZS · 02/12/2014 16:14

So was he two timing you or was your early relationship not that committed at the time? Has he continued to see him and his ex throughout this time . Either way agree with the above , he ahs been neither a good father or good husband, had his cake and eaten it. Unless she extorted money from him surely he gave the 8k freely so cannot claim it back . Direct your anger at his deceit first and foremost.

JoanHickson · 02/12/2014 16:15

It's not the child's fault. This is about your DH cheating and lying to you the whole relationship.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 16:15

You haven't a hope in hell of getting the money back.

And actually it's the least of your worries.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 02/12/2014 16:16

You could possibly sue him though

listed · 02/12/2014 16:17

You can't sue him. Of course not.

RandomFriend · 02/12/2014 16:17

So the relationship with the child's mother happened shortly before you moved in with him? And after she was pregnant (but he might not have known that), he had you move in and paid the CSA as directed. Well, at least he paid for the child, which was his financial responsibility.

Maybe your anger will shift more towards focusing on the fact that you didn't know for all these years and less about the extra 8K that he voluntarily paid.

EarthDays · 02/12/2014 16:18

Errrr shouldn't you be angry about your DH lying to you for 20 years, the money is the least of your worries.

Also you don't stop being a dad when your child turns 18, the courts won't be interested in money voluntarily given to the mother of your DH's child.

GemmaTeller · 02/12/2014 16:19

Well, I came on here to say when DSD turned 18, DH stopped paying the money to her mum and paid it straight to DSD for the next three years to help her through uni.

But.....

I think you've got bigger problems than trying to recoup money thats been paid out without your knowledge.

Your DH did, however, need to pay CSA towards a child he had fathered, whether or not he had no interest in the child.

Pastperfect · 02/12/2014 16:22

As others have said the money is not the issue.

You've had a terrible shock and I understand why you are railing against you husbands son but he is not the enemy here.

It is perfectly reasonable for a parent to support their child into adulthood both emotionally and financially and since your husband has clearly failed in relation to the former you can hardly begrudge his child the latter.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 02/12/2014 16:22

Why not listed? He used what i presume was joint money to pay for something OP may have never agreed to (and his deceit indicates he thinks she wouldnt have agreed) for the entire time they lived together and even married her without disclosing this.

Castlemilk · 02/12/2014 16:22

The way you feel is understandable. You've had the biggest shock, your entire world has crumbled - it's natural to react by trying to shore it up and protect your life, your reality. So instead of facing the fact that the problem, the liar, the destroyer, is HIM - your family - you want her to be the baddie.

She isn't, though. In fact, giving extra money to the poor son he's shunned his whole life is probably the only good thing he's done here. CSA? So presumably he tried to avoid paying? If he wanted to keep a secret, it would have been better for him to come to a private agreement than have paperwork popping up all over the place, so I'm guessing he tried to brush them both off at first. Horrible.

Totally unforgivable, all of it. Except possibly the extra money - the single thing that might show a chink of human decency there.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 16:23

As long as he had equal access to the money (eg a joint account) then he's allowed to do whatever he likes.

Didn't he ever see the child?

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 02/12/2014 16:24

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GinAndSonic · 02/12/2014 16:24

Also, be wary, if he cheated once he may have cheated again. He could have other kids out there. Since he obviously had unsafe sex, he could have given you STIs. You need to direct your anger at him. He has behaved fucking appaulingly. Paying money to his child beyond his legal obligation is the nicest thing hes done.