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Original poster

Adult pocket money?

13 replies

Dudess · 24/04/2014 09:46

I have always worked full-time and supported myself, then two years ago had my little girl, and had to give up my job a few months ago. My rubbish savings are dwindling but I'm not ready to go back to work as I'm trying to freelance (childcare and personal reasons) and wondered if anyone received some sort of adult pocket money from their other halves in a well-paying job (earns approx 35k)?

He pays all the bills, buys groceries and pays DD to go to nursery 2 days per week (I previously paid this in childcare vouchers until Feb).

I'm really a bit puzzled with money and relationships but am starting to feel resentful that my earnings have been cut short and really think some 'me' money would help, around 300, which I could also spend on days out for our DD - she'll stop going to nursery in June and won't return until Sept.

OP posts:
Rumplestiltskinismyname · 24/04/2014 09:54

Would both of you consider just having a joint account, so that you could just take money out as you needed it, as opposed to pocket money? (Which feels a little demeaning to me Confused)

Original poster
Dudess · 24/04/2014 10:29

Definitely seems demeaning, and we have a joint credit account, but our definitions of 'need' are different - I like to shop :-)

But it's more a case of having a budget I can manage and don't answer to, as I keep thinking, 'a cleaner' earns more than I do right now....' - and I gave up a well-paying job because it was too stressful with being a Mum, too.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 24/04/2014 10:34

Either you sah is a joint decision and you share money or you get another job and split childcare. I earn 1/3 of what dh earns and probably he spends more as his job involves travel and entertaining he isn't fully reimbursed for but...if he suggested an allowance or pocket money for me, that'd be the end of me supporting his career and doing more of the childcare.

Gen35 · 24/04/2014 10:37

So basically I'm saying you sit him down and explain that to makes more sense for you to control all budgeting as you are the one doing the sah role and need to feel financially secure. If he refuses, tbh I'd go back to work but make it clear that everything has to be properly split. I suspect working with dc is only more stressful for the mum than the dad when someone's not pulling their weight.

AlpacaLypse · 24/04/2014 10:37

You looking after the child you created together and the home it lives in is what enables him to go out and earn £35K a year. If he loves and trusts you enough to share your life he can sodding well love and trust you enough to have a proper joint bank account.

Original poster
Dudess · 24/04/2014 10:51

Haha - thanks for the comments, really appreciate your replies.

I don't mind OH sorting out the finances - he's very astute and I don't have a great financial record. Think I'm after a more direct transaction between home duties and independence - kids are given money for chores that are done, and the majority of housework falls on me, although I work around 20hrs per week doing freelance work, only a little of which pays. I've given myself a year to write and publish a novel, so I'm not sat at home watching daytime telly, refusing to do the housework :-)

OP posts:
Gen35 · 24/04/2014 10:58

Even if he investigates any big financial decisions, surely you have to do the day to day spending control as you're the one at home incurring expenses? But whichever way you want it, don't settle for an allowance, I couldn't live like a child either.

Spindelina · 24/04/2014 11:04

If you have 'pocket money' (i.e. a budgeted amount that is for you to spend on what you choose to spend it on), then so should he. You can budget spending money for both of you, but I think him giving you pocket money is a bad idea.

We do this - all income goes in one pot, 'joint' expenditure (food, childcare, savings, furniture - anything we choose to buy together) comes out of that, and then we each have an amount that we can fritter guilt-free as we please.

But I wouldn't spend it on days out for DD - that would be a 'joint' expense.

TinyTear · 24/04/2014 11:14

if you 'like to shop' then you need to be abble to support your habit... through your work...

If he, as you say "pays all the bills, buys groceries and pays DD to go to nursery 2 days per week" then your freelance money is for you to "shop"

And shop for what? tat? it's such a general thing to say "i like to shop" - fine if you are rich

redskyatnight · 24/04/2014 12:04

We sort of do this. We have a joint account and a family budget. We budget that what's left is split between 2 and this goes into our personal accounts for us to do what we want with. This means DH can spend money on gadgets I think are useless, for example, whereas this always caused arguments when it was just money out of the joint account.

cabinmaker · 24/04/2014 14:16

I suppose I get an allowance for DH, although I have a small private income too. DH is a high earner and pays for all essential costs like bills, mortgage, social costs when we're together etc. He pays a monthly sum into a separate account for me, which covers food shopping, personal spends, whatever I feel like. We mostly do it this way so that our finances aren't linked by CRAs, otherwise a joint account would be fine as well. It doesn't feel demeaning as it's a comfortable amount, more than I spend most months so there is a small pot of money now and I don't feel as if I have to limit my spending. If I needed more money I would feel happy asking for more. In practice DH has more money accumulating in his account but only because he lets it build up a bit and then transfers it to the mortgage/longer term savings.

BackforGood · 24/04/2014 14:33

We've done this for years.
All money that comes into the family - my salary, his salary, Child Benefit (previously tax credits) goes into the one joint account, out of which all the bills come. We also put aside some savings, and there are 2 standing orders - one to him and one to me - so we both have a little of our own money to spend or save as we wish, without criticism from the other nor resentment, nor 'having to ask'.
Works well for us.
At different points over our marriage, we've had me being the only earner and also me earning a lot more than him, and also we've had him earning more than me - it's irrelevant, as it's the family money first, and then we each get the same amount of personal (or 'pocket') money each month.

pebblyshit · 24/04/2014 14:40

We both have pocket money. We used to both take money from a joint account but it didn't work very well for us. I think that works better for couple who spend a similar amount i.e. you both spend £X a week on takeaway coffee/going to the pub/magazines or you are both frugal with small things but will happily make a bigger purchase a couple of times a year, otherwise it's galling to either see you OH pissing your kindle fund up the wall buy going to the pub every week or, from the other persons pov, wasting money on expensive, pointless gadgets.

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