How to drag yourself out of debt with a DH that can't stop spending?!?

[KatsMother28]

Hi

Looking for some advice here as I feel like I'm drowning and can't talk to DH about it. My DH and I bought a house 5 years ago with a mortgage + from Northern Rock. At that point we were fairly debt free as the + part if the mortgage paid off existing debts.

5 years down the line we now have a 2 year old, I work part time and due to spending, salary cuts and other problems we now have 1 car loan, 1 personal loan, 3 credit cards, 4 overdrafts and owe families money. All in all I estimate we owe £130k on an income of less than £24k a year (between us).

We run 2 cars so as to get DD to MIL who provides free child care as my DH works shifts. We do have certain luxuries such as Sky TV and Internet but this is the only pleasure I get. We haven't had a holiday in years, don't go out and I don't spend money on myself as I can't justify it.

Unfortunately, my DH doesn't have the same issue. At Xmas he bought himself a PS4 after getting an Xbox1 the week before on trade in & just yesterday he took delivery of a iPad Air as he broke his old one by leaving it on top of a car.

What the hell do I do (and please don't say ltb as it's not an option) :(

I have to say I think you have to change mentality too. Perhaps you've been infected by his way of thinking, or is there a feeling in you that you want to give your dd a better childhood than you had?

You can argue the Internet (though I would cancel it if I were you), but you do NOT need Sky. If I were you, I would cancel Sky today and let it precipitate a furious row with your dh - it may take something like that for you to face reality jointly. But that assumes that you are not in fear of him. Something seems to be stopping you putting your foot down. I remember my mother saying once about some financial disaster of my dad's 'I don't know what he thought he was doing' and at the time I did think, well you were married to him, didn't you talk about this stuff? She never did say what she really thought, and in the end they split up anyway. So she might as well have risked it, who knows, it could have worked out.

As long as you are still with him, since he's not ever going to make the effort, you make it clear to him that you will work on debts that have your name on, but that he needs to take care of his own. Unless there's a more urgen need to get rid of your own debts (substantially higher interest rates, for example) get rid of the joint loans first, if you can, then you will achieve financial separation far sooner.

Yes, you really can't justify paying for Sky TV when you owe your family money you are not able to pay back.

That is a luxury many people in far more stable financial circumstances can't afford.

And I agree about Sky. That's at least £20 a month saved, instantly. I assume you have a TV with freeview. It's perfectly adequate. Just fewer channels of endless repeats.

Ok, you need to take control of this now as I cannot see how you can possibly manage the repayments on £24k income so the debt will increase. 2 years ago I had £44k debts and an income of £44k, plus an extra couple of £k I get for exam marking.

I couldn't cope with my debts on that income, so I went on a DMP with Stepchange. It means I now have 1 default (from 6 debts - the others have not defaulted me), but I see that as a good thing as interest stopped and I cannot get credit, so I can't increase debts.

2 years on and my debt stands at £28k. So £14k paid off in 2 years. I have enough to live on because the budget is realistic. I use my exam money for an annual holiday and car MOT, which is a nice bonus for me. I shop at Aldi when I can and we don't go without at all. I'm a single mum of 2.

I won't be free until 2018 or maybe late 2017 but I am not stressed about money at all. I put some in a savings account each month for emergencies. Sometimes I have to pull it back, but even in January I managed to put £40 in the emergency fund. I do have a CC for absolute emergencies, it's a "bad credit" one though so I have it set to pay off in full each month, so I have never paid a penny in interest and it stops me spending on it unless I have to because I know it's not on the "never never".

I also have a jar which I put all money from ebaying into and open in November for Xmas pressies and food - £603.42 this year! I've stopped buying siblings birthday presents - by agreement - and the whole family does a secret Santa at Christmas (except kids).

I actually sold my iPad after I had my "lightbulb moment" and used the money to buy 2 inexpensive tablets for the kids the first Christmas after I was on a DMP. It was a luxury I did not need - I have an iPhone and a kindle and a work laptop - nothing else is needed!

Your DH needs to have his own lightbulb moment. Try the debt remedy tool on the Stepchange website and see what it says. It might be a wake-up call for him. Moneysavingexpert is a useful site as well.

Good luck

In fact the radio is perfectly adequate. You could cancel the TV licence as well.

If you've built up £45K of debt in 5 years, then that works out as overspending by around £750 a month. A lot of that will be spiralling interest of course, which would explain why you feel as if you buy nothing.

I'd agree about getting CAB advice, or Christians Against Poverty, or any other free but expert debt management advice. I think the previous poster who thought you wouldn't be able to manage debt this size without going bankrupt is probably right.

If childcare with a cm is cheaper then that is one solution.

Would you earn more than childcare if you increased hours?

If so, then another answer.

You both need to take more responsibility for clearing the debt.

An ipad air . What an idiot.

Before you do anything cancel sky. You can't afford it. You will have to find 'pleasure' in Freeview instead

Then you need to both understand EXACTLY what your outgoings and incomings are. All of them. Money Saving Expert has lots of info about this. See HERE for the MSE budget planner

Then you need to both stop spending.

There are 0% interest (or minimum interes) credit cards about - research and see if you are eligible then combine you current credit card debts on them SEE HERE for info.
If you smoke then STOP
Cancel gym memberships
No coffees out
Make pack lunches for everyone ALWAYS
Basic phones and contracts
Meal plan and minimise your grocery bills
Revisit your household bills - insurance, utilities etc.
eBay anything and everything you can
Do lots of research. Start listening to Radio 4’s MONEYBOX , Radio 5 Consumer Team and other consumer and money saving programs.

(...It's so simple written down ))

I can't believe he bought an ipad air whilst owing money to a family member. That is shabby behaviour and it is not sustainable.

Every single pound counts

Good luck.

Can either of you get evening work? Bar work or cleaning?

Can you rent out your garage, a parking space or let a room?

Info on letting your drive as a parking space is HERE

I don't see how you can do anything much about this while you haven't got your h on board with the plan. You can scrimp and save as much as you like, but it he's going to swan out and buy things like an ipad Air when he feels like it, you're on a hiding to nothing.

What's his relationship with his mother like? You say that she was appalled. Could she knock some sense into him?

It's almost exactly this situation that killed my first marriage. I LTB as I just couldn't do it any more.

Did you borrow the money of the family member on a casual basis or did you formalise it with some sort of paperwork? Might it encourage your DH to 'growup' if you got the loan made more official?

If you intend at any point to declare bankruptcy, then you must be aware that your informal loan to the family member will be written off also. You can't pay one creditor and leave the rest.

If you did pay your family member and let the other loans default, it would be seen as preferential treatment of a creditor.

How much do you owe your families?

Kat I hope you are still there,I know you probably feel everyone is being harsh but we are really trying to be honest with you and it's a lot to take in but there are people on here who have been there and people who will support you.

But the key point is that it is no good you economising by putting on extra jumpers , shopping in Aldi, going without essentials if he thinks he can still spend freely on boys toys and expensive lunches, it will make you all the more stressed and resentful. He needs to face up to there being a problem and be prepared to tackle it. Hopefully your MIL will help change his attitude now. Cancel the CC and make an appointment at CAB or Relate. You can also call Stepchange to help you work out your budget and how to address the debts, and they don't charge fees.

If something very drastic doesn't happen you will end up in B&B with your DD which may be just as horrible as a woman's hostel...

Does MIL drive, would she help you out by driving to yours to collect dd/or look after her at yours so you could get rid of a car?

The reason you have no luxuries (Sky is such rubbish it's more like a liability) is because you are repaying loans. Too much of your money is going into debt servicing. Being with someone who is bad with money can blind one to one's own issues with money. You are in debt too. He's not the only one. I think all you can do is fix yourself. I would try CAB. I woud cut up credit cards. I would stop debting. And I would look for more and better paid work. Write down everything you spend money on. Make a list of all your outgoings. Take control of everything you can.

Actually, the reason why you have no luxuries is that your dh is helping himself to them all without thought for you, or your family, home and financial security....

Can I add that if you're considering action such as bankruptcy or an individual voluntary arrangement please don't use a consolidation factory. Use a proper insolvency practitioner or one of the debt charities. You will get much better advice and it will cost you less over less time in the long run.

Thank you to everyone for your advice, it has helped me focus and made me determined to sort this out. Have sat him down tonight and brought home some harsh realities and I think he's finally hearing me.

He's agreed to me having financial control and to having an allowance and we're going to sink every spare penny we have into clearing the overdrafts and CCs whilst the loans take care of themselves (we've never missed a payment yet thank goodness).

The family member we owe money to is his MIL (who it turns out has bought him the iPad as a birthday/ Xmas present) and she insists she doesn't want anything back. ( Obviously this will not happen, eventually I will ensure she gets her money back but it's nice to know there's no pressure there).

I'll review where we're at in 6 months and if nothing's changed or it's got worse I will go to CAB and investigate IVAs etc but if we're clearing at least some of the CC each month AND NONE IS GOING ON then as each loan reaches it's end date we can then reassign that money to them too.

As for the mortgage + it's over the term of the mortgage & one day the house will be worth enough to remortgage and include this as a full mortgage which is what we were told it would be treated as in the first place (most of it was deposit, fees and home improvement loan)

It'll be a long slog but if we can do it without defaulting or declaring bankruptcy it will be worth it. Again, thanks to everyone for helping I really appreciate it.

Glad you have had a chat with your DH. I think you have had a lot of good advice on this thread. Do you think it is a good idea to do a proper budget? It takes ages to do but it I think it might be very useful for you and your DH. Are the 0% CC's any use to you?

Good luck.

his MIL ? That is your mum????

I have feeling MIL may be covering for him - how would you not know the Ipad was his bday/xmas gift????

Sorry, my MIL, his mum. As for how I know I don't right now but I'll be seeing every statement and payment from now on so when it appears on the CC statement if they're telling the truth there will be a payment to pay it off. ( she means b.day & Xmas coming - she regularly gives him presents in advance like this).

As for the 0% cards I think we'd struggle to get another deal so it's something for the future once we've paid some off. Then we can transfer balances and close accounts.