How to drag yourself out of debt with a DH that can't stop spending?!?

[KatsMother28]

Hi

Looking for some advice here as I feel like I'm drowning and can't talk to DH about it. My DH and I bought a house 5 years ago with a mortgage + from Northern Rock. At that point we were fairly debt free as the + part if the mortgage paid off existing debts.

5 years down the line we now have a 2 year old, I work part time and due to spending, salary cuts and other problems we now have 1 car loan, 1 personal loan, 3 credit cards, 4 overdrafts and owe families money. All in all I estimate we owe £130k on an income of less than £24k a year (between us).

We run 2 cars so as to get DD to MIL who provides free child care as my DH works shifts. We do have certain luxuries such as Sky TV and Internet but this is the only pleasure I get. We haven't had a holiday in years, don't go out and I don't spend money on myself as I can't justify it.

Unfortunately, my DH doesn't have the same issue. At Xmas he bought himself a PS4 after getting an Xbox1 the week before on trade in & just yesterday he took delivery of a iPad Air as he broke his old one by leaving it on top of a car.

What the hell do I do (and please don't say ltb as it's not an option) :(

£45000. Ok. It is a big amount. You need to deal with it now before it keeps growing.

Who has the debt in their name?

You need to make projections and show your Dh that if you continue to spend at the current rate you will owe x amount in 5 years.

Then I would get some good debt advice. Maybe CAB?

Good luck. It will be worth it when you are debt free.

internet isn't a luxury any more, it is an essential.

but what do you get out of marriage to this man-child? Why is he so determined to drag you down even further? What does he think is going to happen? Is he mentally normal?

there is a way out of it, but not if he keeps spending.

I would really, really recommend the book 'Total Money Makeover' by Dave Ramsey. Get it from the library, read it then get him to read it. Good luck.

maybe you need to make all calculations yourself, take him out of the house to discuss it

make him see how long it's going to take to repay all debts with current income (no guarantee that income will go up! it may go down!)

I know someone who had 40K debts, he was earning 33K by the time he finished paying it off, it took him I think 7 years to repay it on a very strict budget. He never went on spending over what he was allowing himself.

I think he was paying back £700 a week by the time he was earning 33K (less on lower wages)

so even if you are both earning the same money it may take you up to 10 years to pay this debt

you need someone to sit with you, sensibly consolidate debts (not through those consolidation debts companies!!!!)
write your budget and cut your dh's cards

if that won't happen this time next year you will be over 50K in debt or maybe 60!!!!

You are in pretty bad debt. There are ways out but it isn't easy and your DH needs to understand how serious it is. You can come out the other side but you can't just keep ticking along the way you are.

I am so almost there preciousbane! But that won't make a difference to our situation.

We don't get any tax credits as we're not entitled to any, if I increase my working hours I will have to find registered childcare which will cost at least £36 per day so it wouldn't make sense to do this.

Just to make things more difficult my DH has anger management issues, depression and threatens suicide whenever he gets backed into a corner.

He won't sell stuff, or see anyone about this(I have tried both of these approaches).

Just had a very honest conversation with MIL though to put her in the picture, needless to say she's horrified.

Has he seen the gp about his depression?

Yes he is on antidepressants. Doesn't take full prescribed dose though as he says they make him 'less effective' at work.

Tell me why ltb is not an option? He spends money he hasn't got like it's going out of fashion (heck, I love my iPad mini, but even though i can afford an iPad Air, I don't want to spend that sort of money on one), he has anger management issues, threatens suicide when you confront him.... You're the on left fumbling around trying clamber your way out of debt, while he carries on oblivious because there's "no point".

People in a relationship are supposed to have each other's interests at heart. He doesn't give a knack about yours.

OK, have you done an income and expenditure list yet?

Do you know exactly how much you pay to each of your creditors each month, etc.?

Are you spending more than you're getting in, or less?

Leaving is not an option as I have no-where to go. Even if I leave a lot of the bills are in both names and the house is in negative equity. I would end up homeless and still in debt. I won't do that to my daughter.

so think of life with 22.5K debt then...

wouldn't you earn more than just to cover childcare?

It's not about staying or leaving right now.

The bottom line is that you have £45,000 unsecured debt and £90,000 secured debt.

You could both end up homeless because your debts are becoming unmanageable.

Jesus!!!

He sounds very like my dad. Sounds as if he is using spending as an endorphin boost to manage his depression.

Just to be clear, my dad has gone bankrupt, is divorced, was evicted for nonpayment of rent, was lucky enough to be housed in a fairly grim council flat, and lives a not very nice life on the state pension. Which may not exist when you and your dh retire. He is in and out of court for nonpayment of bills. He is susceptible to every get rich quick scheme and schemer out there and has alienated most of his family (including me) due to his 'i want it, therefore it's mine' attitude to money. Your dh needs to understand that THERE IS NO MONEY FAIRY. At any point he may find himself unable to work due to health problems. What then?

It's worth one more try as at the moment it doesn't sound like you have ever dared really lay down your bottom line (are you scared of him?) You should try to come up with the solutions jointly rather than you imposing them. A joint account is no solution, he will still have access to it.

He sounds a real catch what is he positively contributing to your life atm ? He cannot excuse spending if you are in debt but I think you should consider upping your hours , if only to give yourself and your dc more security. How long before you get EY funding, it may be as soon as September or earlier if she is 3 sooner? Clearly economies have to be made, if you used a local CM for example would you still need 2 cars ? The saving may even offset the cost.

Okay.

He's depressed but won't take the full meds because of his work
Gets very angry (about little things? Does he scare you?)
Avoids conflict by threatening suicide
Spends masses of money even though you are in debt and his do is getting by with nothing
Doesn't have any plan to get out of debt and won't discuss it

What are his positives? Has he got any? Because he sounds awful.

I know you said you can't ltb... But if that's what you would really prefer it doesn't mean you have to up out the door straight away, it can be something you plan and work towards.

Kat has he always been like this? I'm not asking to have a go, I'm wondering if it's a manifestation of his depression or a contributing factor to it?

I think they only thing you can try is to print everything out and physically put it in fron of him. That level of debt on that income is unsustainable and you are risking the roof over your DDs head at some point. If he doesn't see that from black and white I don't know, you may need to consider cutting ties with him somehow in order to get stability in the future.

Have you checked you are getting any tax credits etc you may be eligible for. It would be worth looking.

Fwiw our household income is a lot higher and debt level much much lower and I would SKIN my DH if he bought all those things for himself.

You need to go to one of the debt charities and get them to renegotiate your payments etc.

Have you got a spare room you can rent out?

If you don't do something you will end up bankrupt.

Sorry I would LTB.

Thing is if he won't change, and you won't leave the money side is only going to get worse. One of those things has to change, and you can't force it to be him.

You safest future financially may be to leave.

I would see a lawyer with an accountant as part of their practice and seek advice. CAB could also be useful, or a debt advice charity.

You need facts and figures and an excel spreadsheet. I think CAB can help you here. You will probably need to work more and earn more and, personally, I wouldn't rule out leaving him. Good luck.

Look

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/people-advise-others/entitlement-tables/work-and-child/work-no-childcosts.htm

On 25k with one child and no Childcare costs you do get tax credits, it's only a few hundred pounds a year but right now everything helps. Even if you can get his overdraft cleared so you can get his salary moved to an account where you can administer it?

Although that doesn't mean he won't take out more credit if he can get accepted. He's got to want to be on board with this.

Sorry

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/people-advise-others/entitlement-tables/work-and-child/work-no-childcosts.htm

We have a similar income to you at the moment, OP, but have no debts.

It can be a struggle to manage day to day at times, let alone having to pay off huge debts too . I really do sympathise with you.

If your DH is earning, for example, £20k then a new ipad Air would represent almost half of his monthly take home pay . I don't know how he can think it's acceptable to spend nearly half his pay on an unnecessary gift for himself when there is a mortgage, bills and debt payments to be covered. How on earth does he think it all works?

Sorry if that sounds like I am having a go at you, I am definitely not. Just frustrated on your behalf!

Unfortunately, at some point soon, you will get to the stage where your income is not even covering minimum payments on everything. The credit cards will be stopped (if the minimum payments are not being made) or you will not be able to pay the mortgage & get in to trouble with that.

I do speak from experience, we lived beyond our means like this around 15 years ago - one bankruptcy, one house repossession, one car repossession & a huge dose of reality later we are now breaking even each month & have decent credit records again. Please don't underestimate the time it takes to bounce back though - it was around 10 years for us.

Could you show your DH this thread? If he won't listen to you, is there someone else he trusts that could make him see sense?

He really does need to address the situation now & make some changes.

Good luck OP .

Oh, and yes we do get tax credits - we have 3 DCs though, so unsure if that makes a difference. It's not a huge amount but would certainly help you a little .

Have you ever told him how much he is paying in interest every month and every year, on all these loans?

You may find that the credit cards carry a 30% interest, and that the minimum payments are not sufficient to even bring down the balance, or manage your interest!