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Original poster

How to drag yourself out of debt with a DH that can't stop spending?!?

104 replies

KatsMother28 · 01/02/2014 12:15

Hi

Looking for some advice here as I feel like I'm drowning and can't talk to DH about it. My DH and I bought a house 5 years ago with a mortgage + from Northern Rock. At that point we were fairly debt free as the + part if the mortgage paid off existing debts.

5 years down the line we now have a 2 year old, I work part time and due to spending, salary cuts and other problems we now have 1 car loan, 1 personal loan, 3 credit cards, 4 overdrafts and owe families money. All in all I estimate we owe £130k on an income of less than £24k a year (between us).

We run 2 cars so as to get DD to MIL who provides free child care as my DH works shifts. We do have certain luxuries such as Sky TV and Internet but this is the only pleasure I get. We haven't had a holiday in years, don't go out and I don't spend money on myself as I can't justify it.

Unfortunately, my DH doesn't have the same issue. At Xmas he bought himself a PS4 after getting an Xbox1 the week before on trade in & just yesterday he took delivery of a iPad Air as he broke his old one by leaving it on top of a car.

What the hell do I do (and please don't say ltb as it's not an option) :(

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 01/02/2014 14:46

What's the worst that could happen if you did split up? You'd go bankrupt. In six years time your credit rating will start to recover and you will be able to manage that properly without your dp dragging you down. You'll have spent those six years away from a man who emotionally and financially abuses you.

Quinteszilla · 01/02/2014 14:53

22k paid off over time is manageable for you. 45k which is forever increasing isnt.

Original poster
KatsMother28 · 01/02/2014 14:57

Has anyone been to CAB? Can you give me an idea of exactly what they do, is it just signposting to different agencies or are they able to work through to work out some sort of action plan?

Think my next step is to force some sort of meeting with an advisor to put something in place. If he won't agree to this then it will be a case of separation but living in the same house (I lived in a women's refuge as a child & won't put my DD through that) I will split the debts in half as they stand today and keep track of what I pay until in a position to leave properly. I can access Women's aid for advice on this.

What do you think - is it a plan?

OP posts:
lougle · 01/02/2014 15:07

Kat that plan won't work.

When you take out a joint debt, you are 'jointly and severally liable'. That means that if one of you doesn't pay, they can chase the other one for the debt.

So splitting the debts in half will only work for debts that are solely in your DH's name.

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:09

Do you know which debts are shared and which are in his name?

Eg joint loan as opposed to credit card in his name only?

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:10

Plus if you are earning about 8-10k a year it's going to take you years and years to clear even half and you need to genuinely think about whether you can handle that length of time.

lougle · 01/02/2014 15:10

Can you list the debts -which ones are solely yours, which solely his and which joint?

Things you can do:

Don't allow any further debt in your name for any reason.
If you have access to the credit cards, cut them up.
If you have any spare money at all, you can put it towards the debt with the highest interest rate (or the lowest amount, to clear it).

3littlefrogs · 01/02/2014 15:18

I can't believe running an extra car to take your DC to MIL for "free childcare" is a good plan.

I would sell the car and offer to pay MIL to come to you, either by bus or taxi. That would be loads cheaper than fuel, tax and insurance, not to mention servicing and repairs. Your MIL could take DC back to her house by the same means if necessary.

Could you collect by public transport or the other car at the end of the working day?

Original poster
KatsMother28 · 01/02/2014 15:19

The car loan, 1 credit card and 2 overdrafts are in my name, the mortgage + loan & personal loan are joint and 2 overdrafts and 2 credit cards are in his alone.

Just writing that down makes me realise how stupid I've been to get myself into that situation

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:21

Ok

So how much of the debt is in his name only?

Look there's no point beating yourself up, you are where you are now, as long as you learn from it and deal with it there's nothing else to be done now.

lougle · 01/02/2014 15:25

This must be such a strain on you both.

You have 3 secured loans (mortage, loan on house, car), 1 unsecured loan, 3 credit cards and 4 overdrafts.

lougle · 01/02/2014 15:27

My bottom line question is:

"Can you afford this debt or are you heading for bankruptcy?"

In other words:

Can you meet the payments?
Is the debt going down or up?

It sounds like the debt is going up, not down Sad

Original poster
KatsMother28 · 01/02/2014 15:27

3 little frogs - MIL lives about 7 miles away so taxi would be a fortune, I would need 2 buses (at least) and a lot of time to get there via public transport. Having a local CM may save a couple of £s but weighed against having 1to1 attention from someone who loves her I'd rather spend that little extra.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatsMother28 · 01/02/2014 15:28

I would say the debts are coming down but agonisingly slowly. God help us if we have an emergency tho.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 01/02/2014 15:29

You need to see someone about separating yourself financially from him.

Let him take himself down if he must with this ridiculous spending on gadgets and toys.

But don't let him take you and your children down with him.

If you legally separate from him entirely and end your marriage (which you should, as he's emotionally and financially abusive) you will be better off financially than you are now because he will have to give you money and he will have no say in how its spent.

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:30

Kat, you don't HAVE that little extra though.

Another thought.

Can you sell your car, repay as much of the loan as you can and buy an old banger.

Your options sadly are really limited here and while your DH is burying his head and I full commend you for starting to deal with it, you've got to this stage jointly and its going to take a lot to get back out of it, it will be hard and you will be forced to make decisions that you really don't want to, but you know it is definitely doable.

Has anyone suggested going to money saving expert forum for advice as well?

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:33

I don't think your debts are coming down. Your DH has spent more than his monthly take home pay on gadgets in the last month or so.

lougle · 01/02/2014 15:36

I'm not sure I can see how they could be coming down, even slowly?

An IPad Air is around £400, depending on spec. If he's put that on credit, then you'd have had to have paid off £400 in actual debt, as well as the interest on your loans for your overall debt to have reduced.

lougle · 01/02/2014 15:40

The bottom line is that when you don't have the money, whether it's £1, £100 or £1000, you just don't have it.

DH and I ended up bankrupt for a lot less than the debt you've got, because we had DD1 and then I fell pregnant with DD2 and I just couldn't work the hours we needed to service the debts. We were lucky that we didn't have a mortgage.

It's 7 years later and for 7 years we haven't borrowed a penny (well except for the typical monthly paid car insurance arrangement, which carries a % interest rate and arranging to book the car in for work at a garage, then pay the bill over 3 months).

When you are desensitised to credit, even a fairly big expenditure just seems like 'adding to the pile'. Once you're out of it, I promise you'd be horrified at the sort of figures you're discussing.

TheCrackFox · 01/02/2014 15:41

How much equity do you have on your home?

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:44

Kat says somewhere up there they are in negative equity.

lougle · 01/02/2014 15:46

They had mortgage + , TheCrackFox - so they took out more than 100% of the value of their home, as a mortgage + secured loan.

The secured loan paid off their original debts, then they've built back up over the last 5 years, so that they've got Mortgage+secured loan+unsecured loan+credit cards+overdrafts+car loan.

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 15:48

Kat are you okay, I appreciate this is a horrible situation to have to face.

TheCrackFox · 01/02/2014 15:51

Sorry, missed the bit about negative equity.

TBH the Op needs professional debt advice from an organisation like CAB. It might be worthwhile to declare themselves bankrupt as I can't see how it is possible to pay back this level of debt.

kicker · 01/02/2014 15:54

I have been in a similar situation; hearing very similar justifications for his spending and I tried all sorts of ways to make him see sense (lots of the suggestions here are great). He always agreed to do something but nothing ever changed. Sad to say I just gradually stopped loving him and the marriage ended.I had warned him what was happening but he was still surprised when I told him to leave. Broke my heart because of the vows I made but self-preservation kicked in.
I imagine you are feeling horribly lonely in your marriage.
Tell him that the relationship is at risk if he doesn't stop spending and that he cooperates in any plans you make to rejig your finances; I hope that kicks him out of his complacency.
Good luck

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