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Original poster

financial abuse?

23 replies

killpeppa · 24/10/2013 15:11

Im a SAHM and my husband works.

He has all the money, The CB and CTC go into my account but he transfers half of the CTC each week out and leaves the remainder for me to grocery shop and transfers all the CB out each month.

I dont have a penny for myself, i dont drink or smoke. I dont buy myself clothes as i dont have any money after the groceries. I have to ask for money if the kids need anything clothes/shoes/days out ect.

He pays all the bills and then has this other money on top and is always buying lunches out, going to pubs and clubs, paying for taxis or buying new 'work' clothes. He thinks this is fair as he works.

He doesnt let me go out as 'we have no money/cant afford too'

My friend said this was financial abuse.
Any other opinions

OP posts:
schmalex · 24/10/2013 15:15

It doesn't sound great.

I am a SAHM. We have a joint account and both spend what we like out of that. We consult each other about big purchases.

How can he transfer money out of your personal account?

UnexpectedFrightInShaggingArea · 24/10/2013 15:27

Yes, it's abuse. Big time.

What was it like before you had children?

Could you go back to work?

Angelik · 24/10/2013 15:27

this is shocking! he is being at best totally unreasonable and at worst a complete prick (and I've toned down my language here).

decent people would split what's left after bills 50:50. marriage is a partnership and everything should be equal.

so what if he goes to work for some of the day. you're a mother and home maker all day every day and you're not getting paid for it.

i can't believe he has access to your account. The first thing i would do would be to stop that then you control the ctc and cb and once you do that he will have to be open and fairer about finances.

how easy/difficult would it be to do that?

worldgonecrazy · 24/10/2013 15:30

Anytime I read a woman say "he doesn't let me...." it's a red flag.

If you are a SAHM then you are actually working, you're just not bringing in a wage, which is a different thing. If you worked you would have to pay for cleaning, laundry, childcare, etc.

Why is he transferring the child benefit out each month? That doesn't make sense if you are having to ask when the children need clothes. Does he earn enough to support the family?

It does sound like he is being financially abusive.

Have you talked to him about finances and explained how it makes you feel and how you don't have any money for yourself?

nurseneedshelp · 24/10/2013 15:31

Yep he's abusing you, why do you let him take half the ctc?

What do you do if your browsing the shops and want to treat yourself?

strruglingoldteach · 24/10/2013 15:33

Yes, it's financial abuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2013 16:36

At best it's extremely mean and unfair, at worst it's financial abuse. Do you have full access to all the bank and credit card statements? Do you know what the household income is and where it is being spent? A marriage is meant to be an equal partnership where the available money is equally shared ... not one party scrimping on the food budget and having to beg for money for clothes while the other swans about spending 'his money' on luxuries

How does he transfer the CTC out of your account? If it's your account and there's a standing order, simply cancel it as a first measure. Then demand full disclosure of the family finances with the aim of full equality of spending money.

BTW... should you divorce he would quickly discover that the law regards everything to be 'ours'.

Original poster
killpeppa · 24/10/2013 17:23

I've told him I'm leaving... spoke to different people about leaving.

this was just one reason I just wanted other opinions.

thanks girls:)

OP posts:
Original poster
killpeppa · 24/10/2013 17:24

he has my details because he transfers money in for things like if I need to buy stuff for DCs or whatever

OP posts:
Hawkmoth · 24/10/2013 17:28

Good luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2013 17:58

Even if he has your account details for transferring money in, he shouldn't be able take money out. Unless you're saying he has access to your online account? If you're leaving, make sure he can't do that any more. Very best of luck

Original poster
killpeppa · 24/10/2013 18:46

he has my online banking details. that's how.

I'm going to get them changed

OP posts:
Angelik · 24/10/2013 23:06

good luck. be strong. if you've lived in these dreadful conditions you can cope with anything.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2013 05:54

Definitely change your passwords in the short-term. If you're serious about ending the marriage and if your DH is abusive in other ways besides finance you may benefit from talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Controlling bullies can become aggressive if they think they are about to be dumped. WA have a lot of very good advice on how to manage the end of an abusive relationship, what information and documents to get together, and how to stay safe generally.

Violathing · 25/10/2013 06:02

Change passwords so he can't acesss online accounts asap

Squitten · 25/10/2013 16:15

Change your bank details immediately and get the hell out of there! Very abusive indeed

drowningnotwaving999 · 30/10/2013 08:48

Am in similar position to killpeppa. Finally went into school to explain to head (independent) and when went back to get response was told in no uncertain terms that because I signed T&C's they would go for me. I have no income and rely on being drip-fed small amounts.
Please could someone tell me whether the number comes up on bills to womens aid as I am scared to phone them as he goes through bills. I only have a payg mobile for emergencies and probably wouldn't have enough on their for an extended conversation.

Preciousbane · 30/10/2013 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drowningnotwaving999 · 30/10/2013 09:11

Many thanks for this - at moment feels like being cornered with no exit which I hate. To cap it all the kids think he is marvellous as he pays for football and everything I can't.

mitchsta · 30/10/2013 10:50

Controlling and extremely worrying. It isn't just about the money (although I have no doubt that practically it makes things hard for you) - it's about the message it sends to you - he's in charge, he's the boss, he has the power. It's disgusting. If a proper conversation about changing this behaviour isn't going to work for you (i.e. if he can't accept that what he's doing is wrong and make changes) then get out now. My OH is meticulous with his finances - checks his budget spreadsheet most days - but we are very much a team and our finances, home, outgoings, etc are OURS. Neither of us have access to each others individual online banking details and I can't think of a reason why we ever would.

Purple2012 · 30/10/2013 10:56

drowning could you ring from a friends or neighbours? If not pop in to your local police station and ask to use a phone there.

killpeppa good decision. Good luck.

Charlesroi · 30/10/2013 11:15

I think cals to WA are free on the Vodafone network. If you have Vodafone look at their website as I remember seeing a list of charities/HMRC/DWP you can call for free.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 30/10/2013 11:15

At best it's financial abuse.

At worst there are other kinds of abuse along with it.

Change your account details so he can stop stealing money from you every month.

Then leave the bastard.

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