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Original poster

Is my husband deceiving me?

76 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 23/02/2013 14:36

I am a SAHM. He earns 52k. We have two toddlers. We live in a tiny 2-bed flat with a mouldy bathroom, sink taps that don't work, holes in the floor, a boiler that doesn't work, an oven that doesn't work. We need to get out of this hell hole.

But...

DH has a poor credit record. The flat has no equity. We have no savings.

DH says there is no way we can leave for the foreseeable future.

I am very ignorant on financial matters. He gives me an allowance to spend each month on myself and the kids (I actually like it this way, as I am naive with money and liable to over-spend).

Anyway, is he telling the whole story? Are we stuck in this flat? My friends think this is bizarre on a wage of £52K.

Help Mumsnet mums!

OP posts:
mamageekchic · 23/02/2013 14:41

How much is the flat worth? How much are your outgoings? Do you have any savings?

How much is the mortgage? Are you in negative equity or just no equity? How much would it be to rent a better standard of home in your area?

canyou · 23/02/2013 14:44

Does he have debts to repay? My DP earns about that much but with child maintenance and his exwifes maintenance taking 2/ of his wages he has very little left and I pay the bulk of our bills and meet our DC financail needs. You would really need to understand the out goings to know the ans not his income

canyou · 23/02/2013 14:44

taking 2/3 of his wages

nocake · 23/02/2013 14:45

A salary of £52k means he's bring home around £2.8k a month. Unless you have an enormous mortgage that is plenty to live on and allow for savings, repairs etc. You need to start taking some financial responsibility and asking some questions. Why is there no equity in the flat? Has the mortgage been extended and what happened to the money? Where does the money go each month? What debts does he have and how much do they cost you each month?

Longdistance · 23/02/2013 14:45

That is very bizarre. I'd like to know what he is spending that money on. My dh was on similar money when we lived in the Uk, and we were comfortable.

If you don't have a joint account, you'll never know where the money's going, unless you can get hold of some of his bank statements.

I had a similar problem with dh, but that I wanted a joint account to see everything going on, as he seemed to deflect where the money had gone. I found out that he was using the money to buy shares with Angry

I smell bullshit op. Do some detective work.

LapsedPacifist · 23/02/2013 14:57

It depends entirely on how big your mortgage is and how much "allowance" he gives you!

Seriously though, if you have two children you need to start thinking like a grown up. You cannot afford to remain 'naive' and 'ignorant' about financial matters - it really isn't safe Hmm. All you need is a calculator, to help you add up. There is no point in complaining to us about your situation as long as you're happy for your DH to have full control over the family finances.

HollaAtMeBaby · 23/02/2013 15:18

OP you have posted so many times about your awful situation :( please DO something. You are in such a vulnerable position - tiny children, no job, no career history pre-children, no visibility of your household's finances (there is no way that you should be so short of money and unable to move on a £52k salary, IIRC you are in the NE), an unsupportive husband who is mean with money and horrible to you in front of your DCs, and IIRC you are not named on the deeds of your marital home.

Based on this calculator your DH will be getting just over £3000 a month paid into his bank account. How much of that do you get? Where is all the household paperwork - bills, bank statements etc? If it's in the flat, please take the opportunity when your DH is at work to stick your older child in front of Cbeebies and start going through the files when the younger one is napping. Be careful to cover your tracks. I think you'll find your DH has a secret savings account at the very least.

HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 15:22

No idea. Unless he's got massive debts, it does not seem realistic that there's nothing left on an income like that.

How much is the mortgage? How much are the bills - gas, electric, water, phone, etc? Food? fuel?

You need to know how much is going out and where it's going to.

Why don't you know this? Will he not share it with you?

If that's the case - you are very vulnerable, aren't you?

don't infantalise yourself. You are a grown woman and you have children. You have a responsibility to understand about money, about bills and all that. If he is blocking you from having the information you need in order to understand the family's financial situation - that is worrying.

specialsubject · 23/02/2013 15:38

even if he had the credit history from hell, with an income like that he can pay six months rent in advance and any landlord will take you on that. If there are REALLY no savings then he is pissing it away big time.

the 'I am naive about finances' is, to be brutal, pathetic. You are an adult, grow up and find out what the hell is going on.

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 23/02/2013 15:47

Flat worth 80K but we're in negative equity (only just).

No substantial debt, just a big over-draft.

Why is there no equity in the flat?

This was a Northern Rock mortgage that was 104% in 2005. The value of the flat if sold today would only pretty much cover the remaining cost of the mortgage.

Where does the money go each month?

Food is the bulk. We live on ready meals, packaged food, bottled water, etc. Food is a huge chunk of our income.

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/02/2013 15:52

So your allowance doesn't cover food? He's spending his salary on crap but can't afford to fix the oven?

Have you posted many times before, as Holla says?

difficultpickle · 23/02/2013 15:54

Why can't you get the broken things fixed and why can't you cook rather than living off ready meals and bottled water?

HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 15:54

Why do you live on that stuff? Of course it's your choice but it's really not healthy, is it? And ridiculously expensive.

Have you considered looking at how you spend the money and identifying where it can be cut to allow for other things?

happyAvocado · 23/02/2013 15:57

have you ever seen bank statement from his account?

Gay40 · 23/02/2013 15:59

Really?
Really?

sooperdooper · 23/02/2013 16:08

This doesn't add up at all, on a mortgage of £80k, even with little equity the mortgage repayments can't be more than about £500 ish a month?

You need to sit down with your husband like an adult and run through all the household bills, incomings, mortgage, bills, food, what he gives you etc and figure out what's what, and you need to see a copy of his bank statement so you can see where the money is going

£3,000 is a decent amount of money to have coming in each month, an £80k mortage to pay can't be the bulk of your outgoings, how much are you paying out on food each month if you think that's the bulk?

Why can't you get the things fixed that need fixing? The flat being in disrepair won't help it's value and there should be money to fix the things you're saying are broken

sooperdooper · 23/02/2013 16:09

Oh, and even if there's no equity in the flat you could still rent it and move somewhere bigger (rented) if you need the space?

Original poster
BlackMaryJanes · 23/02/2013 16:20

So your allowance doesn't cover food? He's spending his salary on crap but can't afford to fix the oven?

No my allowance is for things like clothes, toys, soft play entry, etc.

why can't you cook rather than living off ready meals and bottled water?

Neither of us are any good at cooking. I'm very anal with food (chronic calorie counting - lots of food issues). Aside from the food, we don't live extravagently. Never have a holiday, don't buy expensive clothes, don't go on 'dates'. The food is the only 'luxury' we have really.

have you ever seen bank statement from his account?

He's sending them over now, after a recent argument.

Why can't you get the things fixed that need fixing?

A new boiler is £1,500. We deffo don't have that lying around. We paid a bloke £250 to 'fix' it recently but it's very old and unfixable.

OP posts:
happyAvocado · 23/02/2013 16:31

once you have those statements make sure you understand where each of the amount has gone
is there forgotten gym membership somewhere you may scrap or are you paying too much in electricity and other utility bills?

you already have your allowance in cash I guess - so summarize all cash withdrawals, deduct the amount you were given for that month, how big are those withdrawals?

group the rest of outgoings into few groups such as travel/car, mortgage+repayments+insurance, bills

make note of each amount and then once you have each separate you can investigate if there are savings to be made

wonkylegs · 23/02/2013 16:36

If you want to stick with him and get control of your life you are going to have to do two things that you've so far avoided. Learn how to understand basic finances and learn how to cook/prepare basic meals. You have obviously got Internet access so this is a huge help.
If you can understand basically your financial circumstances; what's coming in and going out each month you can see where changes that make a real difference can be made even if it's only a tiny bit at a time. It's amazing how tiny bits can add up.
I also say learn to cook as basically you want an out of this situation and an obvious way to save money and enable you to change is staring you in the face. If you are calorie counting freshly prepared food is often better than ready meals it's just less obvious as calories/salt etc isn't printed on a box.
Try simple recipes - google is your friend for this.
The motivation to make these changes is that you don't want to live like this and with your partners income and some effort you should be able to take charge of your situation. It probably isn't easy but it's not impossible either.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 23/02/2013 16:41

If you're anal with food, surely ready meals are not a good thing to eat? They are full of crap.

I would rather have a holiday than eat ready meals, and I would rather have a new boiler than a holiday.

I cannot cook either, but there are some foods that are so simple to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/02/2013 16:45

"Anyway, is he telling the whole story? "

Clearly 'no'. You need to start seeing bank and credit card statements and understanding exactly where the money is going or where it has gone. As someone has said, he's bringing home about £2800/month. If you're not spending extravagantly yourself and you're only servicing a £90k mortgage, he must be spending it somewhere.

So make sure you see all the statements & get access to any online accounts for cards, loans and so on. Overdrafts are a very expensive way to borrow money and servicing debt can soak up a lot of spare cash. If debt is where the money is going, you could consider talking to one of the free debt advisory services such as CAB, CCCS and National Debtline.

I'd also recommend that you make an effort to educate yourself on financial matters.... it's vital. The website www.moneysavingexpert.com has some excellent information and discussion forums

HecateWhoopass · 23/02/2013 16:53

Be careful with the toddlers and raising them on ready meals, won't you? They really aren't very good for them. High salt content, lacking in nutrients, etc.

I am not donning my judgy pants and tutting at you, honestly, but please be aware that constant ready meals are not good for you and certainly not good for your children.

StillSeekingSpike · 23/02/2013 16:54

You also need to start sorting yourself out. As said above, find the statements , find the bills, be your own detective.
get the cooker and the taps fixed. You can ring a tradesman during the day and ask for a quote. But for GDS SAKE_ fix that mouldy bathroom as a priority. there is a mould that grows in bathrooms that can be very dangerous to the health of small children.

Booyhoo · 23/02/2013 16:59

sorry OP but you are going to have grow up and drop this label you are clinging onto of being 'naive' about money. that is a cop out.

you are an adult, a parent and a homeowner, at the very least you have a responsibility to yourself to know what your life is costing you and how to improve it by yourself if needs be. it is ridiculous that you have handed over the entire financial responsibility and control to your partner to deal with. you need to regain your responsibility and be in a certain amount of control over what things are costing and how teh money is being spent.

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