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Original poster

Should my daugher (20 years) contribute to our holiday?

26 replies

snowaddict · 06/03/2011 20:03

My daughter is at home after having a spell away at university. She has during the time away run up some debt in the form of a bank overdraft but she has just started working full time and is earning quite good money, so is getting this debt down. She doesnt pay any board at the moment. Even though I did pay it when I was still at home when I was her age.

The question is - we tend to go skiing as a family each winter and this year she wanted to go with us as usual - so booked her a place. Would other mums ask for a contribution towards the holiday or expenses in resort - What is your opinion, am I storing up problems letting her go 'scott free' all the time.

Thanks

OP posts:
ObscureReference · 06/03/2011 20:04

Yes. To both questions!

nickschick · 06/03/2011 20:05

I think you should say that as she is working now and has finished uni this is the last time she can come away without contributing unless she was planning to club in a bit this time?..

CMOTdibbler · 06/03/2011 20:07

Yes - she is now working and shouldn't be being subsidised by you. And I'd be charging her board too - even if you put it away for her

PrettyCandles · 06/03/2011 20:09

My parents never asked any of us to contribute to any family travelling arrangements. None of us have ended up sponging off them.

Sleepwhenidie · 06/03/2011 20:09

I think you should probably have clarified this before booking her place. If you have always paid for her in the past and are now letting her live "scott free" in your house then it's not entirely unreasonable of her to assume you are also paying for her holiday....however reasonable it is for you to expect her to! Can you afford to? If so then maybe let it go but have a sit down chat about finances and her contribution from now on, treat it as your last "supportive gift" to her?

Original poster
snowaddict · 06/03/2011 20:12

Thanks for your quick responses. Now to broach the subject.

OP posts:
pozzled · 06/03/2011 20:15

If you have already booked it and haven't talked about money, it could cause problems if you asked now. I think in your place I would pay for the holiday and all joint meals etc while you're out there, but would expect her to provide her own spending money. I'd make it clear though that you were treating her

I would, however, sit down with her and talk about finances and put something in place for her to pay board, based on her earnings and what debt she still has to pay etc. Any future holidays I would expect her to pay her share, unless it was for a special treat/birthday present or similar.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/03/2011 09:30

I think if you've booked it already is wrong to now ask for money.

With regards to board, i'd rather personally that the student debt was paid off rather than take board. A clean start as an adult can make the world of difference when they have to go it alone.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 07/03/2011 09:33

hmm - I think if it's already booked you're going to have to suck it up.

But you need to get her to start contributing in future - she's an adult now. You don't have to charge the "going rate" for a room share type thing - as they are invariablly much more than the real cost - but at 20yrs old there's no reason she can't pay board and be clearning her student debt.

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2011 09:41

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freshmint · 07/03/2011 09:41

I think the suggestion that you say "last free holiday I'm afraid" is a good one.

You've already booked it so unfair to ask for money now. Also she is doing well paying down her debt - not really fair to hit her with a request for cash now.

Re board - why don't you tell her you will charge her board when she is 21? I think that sounds fair. She is pretty young and presumably you want her to get rid of her debt? Of course if you need the money you could charge her now.

freshmint · 07/03/2011 09:42

agree with swallowed

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 07/03/2011 09:52

I disagree with swallowed - if she hadn't been able to go back home to live (multitude of reasons why she couldn't) she'd probably be living in a shared house/flat and have to live totally indepdentantly. She'd be paying her own rent (and rent in a shared house is generally speaking much more expensive than the "real" cost - for example - house up the road is being advertised for house share, 3 bedrooms, if they fill it they'll be getting £1100pcm (though that includes bills)........if they were to rent the entire house as one unit they would get around £500pcm then bills would be another £200 or so). She would have to do all her own cooking, cleaning, washing, etc.

Obviously in a family set-up you'd probably share the cooking out between you so you could eat as a family etc, but she's an adult, she's working, and there is no reason she can't conitribute fairly to the household as an adult.

atswimtwolengths · 07/03/2011 10:10

Doesn't this in some way depend on your own income, OP? If the holiday will be a strain, then it's realistic to ask her to contribute. However, in that situation I wouldn't have booked it without clarifying it with her.

As far as board is concerned, I'd want to see her getting that overdraft down before taking money off her. Once it's gone, then I'd be looking at a contribution.

But in any case, as someone said above, she should be making a real contribution to family life in terms of cooking and cleaning.

wolfhound · 07/03/2011 10:22

If you ask her to contribute to paying for the holiday, you will also have to be prepared for her to decide she would rather not come...

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2011 14:33

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BaroqueAroundTheClock · 07/03/2011 14:54

yes - but she's an adult - and should be treated as an adult not a child imo.

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2011 20:17

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Original poster
snowaddict · 07/03/2011 20:21

Thankyou for all your contributions, it's obviously a bone of contention of when our offspring should actually start standing on there own two feet a little.

We are not short of money. but we spend and budget wisely to fund holidays. It's quite a thin line between taking everything for granted and being shielded from the real world. It's difficult to do the right thing.

OP posts:
missmehalia · 07/03/2011 20:25

She asked to go, and it would be nice if she offered a contribution. If you wanted a contribution, though, I do think you should have been clear about that before it was booked. It might be too late to ask now, but in future you could discuss it before you put money down. How about she pays for a meal or two while you're away?

I have to say, I've rarely offered to pitch in when my parents have organised a family outing (never really did family holidays.) So I'm now feeling a bit guilty in retrospect. Blush

palomadove · 12/03/2011 13:09

Agree it's too late to ask her to stump up now - you should have clarified that first.

But she should be contributing to household expenses - as others have said, you can always save it on her behalf.

Our dd1, 18, isn't coming with us on our summer holiday as she's going with friends after A'levels - but I will pay the basic price of her holiday and have also just funded a school exchange.

We could afford to fund it all and take her with us in the summer, but we take the view she needs to work during the summer - even if it's just a bit more of the part-time waitressing job she does now - to help towards the debts she will run up at uni.

It is a balance though OP - at some stage they do need to stand on their own 2 feet - but I feel for them as they don't have free university fees like I did, and housing costs have rocketed.

electra · 13/03/2011 12:15

I think that if you wanted her to pay towards it that's fair enough if she has a full time job, particularly if you don't ask her to pay rent.

You could say to her 'last free holiday' as some have suggested as you have already booked her the place.

maggiethecat · 14/03/2011 11:18

The things I got away with when I was that age! I remember I was 23 and still living at home and my dad, poor thing, telling me that I would have to stand on my own two feet when I got to (the ripe old age of) 25. I just took things for granted I suppose, but knew that he was right.

I think you should have a discussion with her, after you've worked out what you think she should reasonably be able to contribute to, whether it's holidays, household expenses etc.

Prunnhilda · 14/03/2011 11:22

I would have been GUTTED if my dad had asked me to contribute to a holiday that he'd asked me to go on and booked me a place for! That transitional time, from child to adult, is so delicate.

(Now, as an old gimmer, I would of course offer to pay.)

However I would have perfectly understood if he'd asked me to pay weekly board - no problem there at all. Why don't you let this one go, get her to pay digs, and bring up the subject at a later date?

higgle · 14/03/2011 14:18

As mother of a son in his second year at Uni I have decided all holidays on us until uni ends (though we are not having a family holiday this year, DH and I are going on separate adventure holiday of our choice) After uni I'm happy for him to join us if we have a rented cottage or villa for just the price of the flights and a generous attitude to chipping in for the odd drink or meal. If he wants to return home to live I think it is only fair to pay a reasonable amount for B&L which I'd put at about £50pw inc food. I would probably save some or all of this to give him a bit of a start when he could eventually afford his own place.

With our two children we quite often agree to share the cost of expensive purchases such as driving lessons - parents 1/3 each and child 1/3 which gives some support but also encourages hard work and self reliance.