miscarriage at 19 weeks

[urmagic]

Hi
I have just had a miscarriage at 19 weeks this was after fertility treatment and trying for 3 years. We buried our little girl only a few days ago. I don't know what else to say, except I quess I am looking for some words of comfort. This was my 3rd miscarriage and I am 43 so what do I do know give up or try again. I really thought I was going to be ok as we had nearly gone half way.

Oh poor you, you must be devastated I can't imagine what you're going through. Sending you lots and lots of strength and hugs.

Give yourself a bit of time to grieve before you worry about whether to try again - you and your body need a bit of time to recover.

Wishing you the very best x

Oh urmagic I'm so so sad for you
What an unspeakably horrible thing to happen.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

No one can ever tell you that if you try again that it will all be OK. It all depends on you and your DH/DP, and whether you think you could cope with the fertility treatment and the emotional rollercoaster of another pregnancy.

It's very early days though - have you had a follow up appointment at the hospital to talk about what may have caused your daughters death ?

urmagic I am so sorry to read of your loss especially after your journey to get her in the first place. It is such a terrible thing and I can kind of understand your grief having lost a little girl at 21 weeks.

You need to give yourself time and just be so so kind to yourself.

Did the hospital offer you any kind of counselling? I would highly recommend this, it really help me come to terms with things. I know it may be hard to talk about but have they any reason for your miscarriages?

I think only you will know the answer as to whether you can try again, nothing in life is certain but you may feel strong enough in time

Take care

xxxxxxxx

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately I do have some sort of understanding about your grief having just lost our son on 23rd December at only 17 weeks and 2 days. This was our first pregnancy but we too have undergone fertility treatment.

I don't know what will be best for you but a good friend of mine told me to take one day at the time. This seems to be the only advice that has worked for both my husband and myself, at least on some of the days. The decision whether you should try again will come to you if not today then sometime soon, of that I'm sure. We are still devastated about what happened to us and we won't be thinking if we should try again for at least a few more months even though I have been told a few times now that my clock is ticking. I don't know about your treatment and whether you had to have a d and c but my body certainly needs some time to recover as I had 4 general anaesthetics within 6 months and 1 week.

Wishing you only the best.

xx

Thankyou all so much for your replys. They really do help. I will have my follow up appt in 4 weeks but it's just getting through the days some are better than others. Yesterday was terrible I took back all my lovely maternity clothes (christmas presents) to Mama and Papas. Doing Top Shop today. Back into ordinary jeans. I also have my first councellor session today really gratefull it is so soon, but it's in the maternity unit of Heatherwood Hospital so facing more demons.

a3d we must of been due around the same time 27 May. I hope you are coping ok, sometimes I am ok then other times I want to scream and just run away from my own grief. I know time will help it's just getting past all the important dates this year. Friends babies arriving, weddings I now no longer want to stay sober at. All the little things before we even start on getting past May 27.

urmagic Yes my due date was a few days after yours, May 31. As with you, some days are better than others. I agree, there will be some tough days along the way. Especially in May, Christening, Wedding. You said that you buried your little girl a few days ago. The cremation and disposal of the ashes of our son will be first week in February. Even though I'm dreading these days I do hope that this will help me to come to terms with it a bit more.
I do hope that your first councelling session did help you. I will need to make an appointment too but first I'm going to book a holiday.

a3d- Omg we are so doing the same things. We are off for a spa weekend in Bath at the end of the month. Then when I am really pissed off I am scouring the internet for the big holiday in March when I should be a bit better can't decide between Sri Lanka and Cuba.
Councelling was so good. Make the call soon just in case there is a waiting list. I got to cry and be angry for an hour without having to be brave for someone else. I am allowed 12 sessions and am so going to make use of every one. Afterwards even felt strong enough to face a pregnant friend. As my partner says these little victories help.
I believe your son's service will give you some comfort even just listening to the chaplain's kind words is nice. Maybe bring flowers or another token private to you to remember him always. What did you call him? I have placed all her scan photos behind a photo of my partner and I and that I find nice, as when I look at the photo I think she is close to her mum and dad and no one kmows.

urmagic - You too are going to go on holiday March? Both your possible holiday destinations seem to be very exciting. We won?t go that far, one of the Canary Islands it will be for us at the end of March. Before that we will go on a long weekend somewhere nice.

What you said about the chaplain?s kind words and also voice seems to be very comforting indeed and your idea of the photos of your girl?s scan behind your photo is truly beautiful. What did you call your girl? We called our son Milo. Have you ever read ?The little Prince? by Antoine de Saint-Exupery? I am now reading the last chapter again and again and it kind of helps us remembering our son and thinking of him in a way no one else is aware of.

It seems that your first counselling session did already help you. I am happy for you. I don?t know if I am ready to talk to someone I don?t know for an hour as I am still very sad and upset about what and how it all happened. Our baby was fine and healthy but the water broke and two days later Milo was born. It is so unfair. I would probably be as upset as I am now if something was wrong with the baby but right now I don?t see it that way.

So sorry for your loss urmagic and a3d i lost my baby boy last feb at 19wks, so i completely understand. It knocked me for six. We had fertility and then gave up, fell pg naturally then lost my son. We are back on the fertility road again. It took us a few months to make the decision.
We are aproaching the first anniversary and i hope that life can begin to move forward, no more firsts!!
The only single bit of advise i can say is that some days will be better than others, others wil be so hard, but listen to how your body and you feel. If you don't want to visit friends and there babies don't go! They will understand. When you are ready, you will begin to go forward. At the moment you need to grieve.
You are so brave taking back your maternity clothes, my DH did mine.
Hope you have lots of lovely people around you. Even if its just to sit with you and listen.
Remember tiny steps, theres no rush.
Take very good care of yourself. Thinking of you
xxxx

popsy1 thank you for your kind words and your telling us that tiny steps is the way forward. There is a long way to go for us and I am dreading all the firsts. Most of my friends and family are really supportive but I fear the moment they get ?bored? with my grief.

I wish you every success with your fertility treatment and keep my fingers crossed.

I am thinking of you especially now you?re approaching the first anniversary.

xx

popsy1 and a3d we also had fertility treatment then gave up then fell naturally in Jan but miscarried in April. Then back on fertility and fell in August. Then of course got to 19weeks and miscarried. I am so glad to hear you are trying again. Best of luck. Even though it's only 2 weeks today since we lost her I so want to try again but my partner is more reserved as he doesn't think he could go through that again. I just want to be pregnant.
We had all the tests privately (not invasive tests) and they came back great. Even when she was delivered they said she looked perfect so don't think we will ever get an answer. A friend who lost a son years ago told me she found those who didn't question why recovered quicker. That is what I am trying to do but it doesn't always work. I still find myself sreaming WHY!.
Yes I know "The Little Prince". I am so glad to here you have something private to be close to your son, it really helps.
We will get through this. We have no choice! xxxxxxxxxxxx

a3d . In my experience the run up to the 'firsts' was always worst than the event. I was really worried about people getting bored with my grief and thinking i should just get over it! I only talk about it all now with my DH but a couple of friends have been there along the way.
urmagic i can understand ypur husbands reluctance,i have my moments of fear and i'm sure if im ever lucky enough to get pg i gunna be a wreck!!

your right urmagic we have no choice but to get through it, it changes everything. But having good family and friends around you makes a huge difference

Take care ladies

XXX

urmagic and popsy1 Just wanted to say the best of luck for both your futures and I really do hope that both of you will have a successful pregnancy and am also hoping that you will get a lot of support from your family and friends.

Unfortunately a non-fertility treatment route is not an option for us, so we first have to decide that I would manage to get through this again. But we will let this decision rest for as long as we need it to.

xxxx

I have made an appointmet with my doctor to put me back on the list to see my infertility doctor. Even if we don't try again at least I am back on the system.
Today I feel a little better. Having the councellor really is giving me strength and as it's 2 weeks now physically I am getting stronger.
We called her Anna. We had family names picked but it didn't seem fair to those people to still use them. On those 3 nights when I knew she was gone but hadn't delivered her I searched the net for names and it just seemed right. She looked like me and had long fingers. I really miss her.

urmagic - Anna is a beautiful name. I will be thinking of her tonight when I take a very own and personal moment thinking of Milo.

I think that you made the right choice to get you back on the list. In the meantime you can gather your thoughts, get physically strong again and hopefully also spend some happy days. I thought of doing the same in April / May time.

Thanks a3d much appreciated.
Glad the counselling is helping urmagic You will become physically strong but be gentle with yourself.
Thinking of you both.

xxx

Hi, Am Emma had a sad loss at 23 weeks pregnant doctors went on to tell me that i would have regular scans,5 years on never got over it but was really happy to have a secend chance. had scans not enough the way i see it and ended up sadly having my son at 19 weeks, so upset and angry where to go what to do i really do not know anymore. X

emmacharley I am so sad to hear of your loss. Is this recent? I have just lost at 17+4 days. Please get back hopefully we can help each other through this devastating experience. Big hug to you.

xxx