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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Please help - sister miscarrying twins at 19 weeks

23 replies

Amberc · 12/05/2009 20:53

My sister is currently in labour at 19 weeks pregnant with twins. She was on holiday in France with her husband for her birthday and noticed a wetness. She went to hospital and it turned out baby 1's amniotic sac had ruptured and she was 2 cms dilated. She's been lying still for 10 days in a French hospital praying for a miracle but it hasn't happened. I don't know what words of comfort I can offer her. I know the worst part is to come when she comes home without her babies and has to face reality and loss. For those of you who have been through this please help me to support her as best as I can - what can I do or say? This is her 3rd miscarriage but the others were all much sooner. This time they will have to be delivered as tiny babies and I can't imagine how devastating that must be.

OP posts:

Disenchanted3 · 12/05/2009 20:55

So so sorry

cazboldy · 12/05/2009 20:55

no experience I am afraid, but so sorry for your sister

QueenLizTheFirstOfScotland · 12/05/2009 21:00

I'm so, so sorry. I lost my dd1 at 21 weeks, and delivered her. The time between her fatal diagnosis and her birth was terrible, but I can tell you that her birth was, strange as it may seem, lovely - we got to hold her and say goodbye, and I do remember it with a smile, so I hope that brings you some comfort.

Afterwards it was very hard. I found the SANDS forum very helpful, and a friend who wrote me lots of letters when I really didn't want to talk was great. And it did get better - I miss dd1, but have made my peace with her loss - it's her 4th anniversary next month.

Just keep being there for her - be led by what she needs, which may be to talk, or may be to hole up and not communicate for a while. Use her babies' names when she is ready to talk, and let her know that you absolutely know they were your nieces/nephews, and that you will never forget them.

Original poster

Amberc · 12/05/2009 21:18

Thanks QL, that is a comfort to me to as I can't be there now when she needs me most. I hope her birth is lovely. She said she didn't want to name her babies as it would be too heartbreaking.

OP posts:

QueenLizTheFirstOfScotland · 12/05/2009 21:30

My DH didn't want to name dd1, but after he met her he realised he did want to name his wee girl. Again, just be led by your sister and her partner.

Before I had dd1, before I was even pregnant with her, I watched an episode of ER where a character had to deliver a stillborn child, and I remember thinking "How? How would you cope?". And then I had to do it - and it was really oddly ok - terribly sad, but such a strange rush of joy to hold my tiny girl, and to just be a mother, despite the terrible circumstance. I could not have imagined for one second it could bring me any joy, but she did, and it was nothing like as awful as I'd imagined.

Afterwards was very very hard, it's true, but we're here, and so is her beautiful sister, safe asleep in bed.

popsy1 · 12/05/2009 21:45

Hello Amberc. I feel so so sad for your sister. It must be so hard being away from home aswel. You are right, the hardest is yet to come. I lost my baby boy at 19wks and it was and still is incredibly hard to deal with. Just be there for your sister, listen, cuddle, take trashy DVDs go for a walk with her. Let her know you will be there when ever and forever. There is no 'right' thing to say unfortunately. I wish there was! I held my baby and i am so glad i did. He was perfect and a beautiful baby boy. Sending lots of love and support.Take good care of each other.

Owlingate · 13/05/2009 09:07

I lost my baby girl at 17 weeks and had to deliver in similar circs (Premature rupture of membranes). After all the panic / hospital visits etc. I actually felt relief once I had given birth - at least the worry was over and I could start to deal with the loss.

Does she have to give birth? If she does she may then wish to hold the babies. You may want to buy her blankets or teddies to stay with the babies when she has to leave them. In any case ask the hospital if she can have handprints / footprints / a lock of hair. She will be desperate to know why this has happened and any help the hospital can give her to find a reason. It is devastating - I did want to die despite having a lovely family and 1 DC already. The wound never goes away but it kind of scars over and life is different but easier than it was at the beginning.

Have a look at the sands website and refer her to it, she may find assistance there. There is nothing you can do to make this easier for her but listen when she wants to talk, give her any practical help she needs, make sure she has plenty of time to cry and cry if she needs it. Let her talk about her babies and remember her babies. It sounds weird but put their due date and this date in your diary now so you can let her know you're thinking about her at difficult dates in the future.

Original poster

Amberc · 13/05/2009 09:17

Thank you so much everyone. My sister delivered Baby 1 this morning - a little boy. They have taken loads of pictures. Baby two is still in her womb and to be honest we are praying for a miracle.

OP posts:

stillenacht · 13/05/2009 09:21

Thinking of your sister Amber. Praying for her and both babies.

jellybeans · 13/05/2009 09:27

I lost a DD at 20 weeks (preterm labour) and a DD at 23 weeks to a genetic disorder. Both were horrendous. It took me a good 2 years to feel 'somewhat normal'. I can still remember the births and bad news like it was yesterday. I found sands helpful and talking to people who had been through simelar. Thinking of your sister and you and family, prayers for the remaining baby xx

Owlingate · 14/05/2009 11:33

Any news Amber? Have been thinking of your sister.

Original poster

Amberc · 14/05/2009 12:43

Yes she had a little boy yesterday and her second baby is coming now although they thought they might be a tiny chance they could save him/her. Not to be I'm afraid. They took loads of pictures and had hand and footprints taken. They got to hold him too. It makes me cry just to write it down so I can't imagine what they are going through. My sister's husband said my sis has gone into shock and won't talk to anyone.

OP posts:

RoseOfTheOrient · 14/05/2009 12:48

oh Amberc, you must be feeling so helpless...will be thinking of your sister and her DH. What a terrible situation

stillenacht · 14/05/2009 12:51

oh Amber - am so sorry for your sisters loss

Ewe · 14/05/2009 12:54

Oh gosh amber How completely and utterly devastating.

Wishing your sister and your family all the strength in the world for the coming days and weeks.

QueenLizTheFirstOfScotland · 14/05/2009 13:15

Amber - I wouldn't talk to anyone either - don't worry too much about that. I holed up and hid away for quite a while. It was just what I needed to do. So sorry for the yours and your sister's loss.

Owlingate · 14/05/2009 15:10

How awful I'm so sorry for your whole family. I didn't want to speak to anyone other than DP at first but would read peoples texts and sometimes text them back. And I kept all the cards and things people sent in a scrapbook I made later. Thinking of you and your sister.

Owlingate · 14/05/2009 15:11

Oh just one thing - everyone's different, but I didn't want to hear the word miscarriage or hear about anyone else's mum's miscarriage at 5 weeks etc. etc.; as far as I was concerned I'd gone into premature labour and my baby was too early to survive - the experience of giving birth was totally different to what in my mind a miscarriage was.

Original poster

Amberc · 14/05/2009 15:21

I agree Owlingate - I also see it as a premature birth and I'm sure they will. Thanks everyone for your support and help.

OP posts:

Owlingate · 15/05/2009 13:45

Amber - its probably a bit early for your sis to have poems / songs etc to help her grieve for her twins, but when she does I found this one really helpful and I printed it and put it beside a copy of my baby's footprints : (Apologies probably a bit twee and not the done thing on MN but all my cynicisim about such things went out the window when I lost my baby )

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

Most of all these footprints are found in Mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part.

popsy1 · 16/05/2009 14:18

Hi Amber i hope your sister and partner,you and your family are ok. I have been thinking of you all. I completely agree with Owlingate, i hate people calling my experience a miscarriage, it isn't. That isn't disrespectful of those that have, its a totally different experience. My friend who suffered mc at 6wks got very cross with me when i said this to her, until i explained.
I also didnt want to speak to anyone, and still don't some days. Everyone is different, but just knowing people are there for you,thinking of you and your loss was a help to me (i lost my son at 19wks).
Thinking of you all

Directskiandsun · 16/05/2009 17:53

So, so sorry to hear this. I lost my first DS at 20 weeks, almost 16 years ago (although I remember every moment of that day as if it was last week), and had to deliver him - an almost unbearable thing for anyone. I am still able to cry at the memory - am sitting here now with tears, reading of your sister's loss. Nothing will be of much comfort to your sister and her husband now, and it does take time to even begin to abate. We had another DS the following year, and really, I didn't begin to get things together until he was safely here. My thoughts go to your family and all I can say is be patient. It's a bereavement like any other for someone close. Best wishes

Qiushui · 19/05/2009 16:43

Hi,Amberc.My elder sister just experienced the same with your sister's.I definitely know what you feel.I am terribly sorrowful when I heard the bad news from my father today.Also,I don't konw what I can say to comfort my sister.

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