Please help me prepare myself for miscarrying and choosing how to manage it

[fairywing]

After a second scan yesterday it has been confirmed that my baby is not developing properly. I should be at least 9 weeks pregnant now, baby currently measures 6+4 with no heartbeat and has only grown by 6 days in 2 weeks. The hard part to accept is that there was no baby there at all late time and this time there is a 7mm fetal pole. I have been told that the pregnancy is not viable and was given the options of how i would like to handle it. I have opted to wait 2 weeks to see if i miscarry naturally before considering any intervention. The hospital have said i can change my mind at any time and go in for either surgical or medical management. I would like to be prepared so that i can make the decision about what option to choose if i have to and also to make sure that the decision i have made is the right one for me. I have all the facts and figures from he hospital but if there is anyone that is prepared to share their story of miscarrying and how you managed it, how you found it, would you do the same again etc i would be very very grateful. Also if anyone can give me an idea of what to expect from a natural miscarriage at my stage of pregnancy that would be very helpful. I realise these are not easy things to share and will be very grateful for any responses i get.

My current decision is based on the fact that i believe my body will let go when it is ready, that i personally will be able to move on better when i have been through the process of miscarrying and that i am not comfortable with hospitals and would rather go through this in the privacy of my own home. The thought of having the tablet and having my blood loss monitored with the use of a commode sounds so undignified and the thought of having my baby sucked out of my body just makes me feel sick but in all honesty is probably my prefered option at the moment.

I have spoken to my little one and thanked them for holding on and trying to grow as i have begged them to do for the last 2 weeks and have explained that it is time for them to leave me now, for now, to grow their wings and be a little angel to someone who needs them.

Hiya

I've been following your story and hoping for better news

I had a natural miscarriage - very sudden and scary at 11+4. This was in November. Looking back now, I have a feeling that the baby died at around 7.5 weeks but can't be certain. I'll tell you my story, with all the detail of blood loss etc in case it helps. I really really don't want to frighten or upset you, but figure if I tell you what happened and how I felt, you will at least be able to judge for yourself what you want to do. Since yours is happening earlier, perhaps your body and the hormones will be kinder to you.

I would suggest that, if you are hoping to mc naturally, you keep active, but keep with you a change of clothes (dark) and some thick pads (maternity or Always Night time) if you go out - perhaps a dark towel to sit on in the car / taxi

If you find you are filling a pad in less than half an hour, you need to go to A&E

I'd starting thinking something was not quite right a couple of days before the mc after seeing a little bit of brown blood on the evening of my birthday. The next day, my boobs felt less sore - we travelled by train back from Cornwall and I had the most amazing thirst - couldn't drink enough water and I am sure now that this was my body preparing me for what was to come. I kept seeing teeny little bits of mucus - the plug coming away ??

That night, red blood when wiping - I went to bed wearing a pad but it was dry in the morning. Brown blood and a teeny clot when I got up. Lots more almost black, tarry stuff throughout the morning. This was my first pregnancy - I didn't know what to do, so, as I was on leave (was supposed to be having my first scan that afternoon), I simply put a pad in, sat on the sofa and waited. Don't ask me how I knew - I just knew something was going to happen. My abdomen was tender and achy by now.

About 1pm, I had a sudden gush of watery blood that soaked the pad - waters breaking ?? I went upstairs to the bathroom to investigate and my world fell apart - blood, clots just falling out of me and to say I was terrified was an understatement - this was because I never expected this - so much blood. I phoned my midwife, who told me to go to A&E, so had to phone the MIL and tell her I was PG, miscarrying and could I have a lift to hospital I was filling a night-time pad every 15 mins and passing clots half the size of my fist.

Got to hospital - BP check, internal exam confirmed OS open and virtually nothing left. To be honest, I think I'd have been better off staying at home, but with that degree of blood loss, better to be safe than sorry. Gynae emergency had their own loo, with a supply of big pads etc, which helped. When in A&E, I was asked to give a wee sample - impossible because of the extreme blood loss and had to queue for the one loo they had working - absolute nightmare.

Sat at home that evening, quite numb - bleeding slowed down to a very heavy period. I was advised not to move around very much - stay sitting or lying down for 48 hours to slow the blood loss

Nothing much more happened till that evening when the abdominal pain intensified (I actually gave in, accepted it was all over and finally took some Ibuprofen, having been managing on paracetamo up to that point) I thought I had passed everything, so was confused. The pain kept intensifying and then I would feel a big clot and have to run upstairs to the loo - then the pain would recede till the next one. This went on for around an hour - not crippling pain but very unpleasant, probably more so because I didn't understand what was happening. Finally, the cramps reached a peak and I finally understand what it means when people say they feel the urge to push. I pushed out something that felt large and just "wrong", then the pain went, the bleeding slowed down and I felt a huge amount better.

I wish I'd known more, as I am certain that last push was sending my baby down the toilet

I was strangely OK for a few days - stayed off work the following week (the MC happened on a Tuesday)but wish I'd stayed off longer as the hormones are a killer - I couldn't stop crying and thought I was going nuts / getting seriously depressed. It is ALL hormonal and you just have to cry it out and know it gets better. In early December, I wanted to just cancel Christmas and hide away, but by Christmas Day, I felt almost myself again.

35 days after the mc, I thought I was ovulating and about to start a 2WW, only to start light bleeding the next day - almost too light for a pad. This went on for 8 days, then a new cycle started - a week longer than usual but a normal length luteal phase. I'm now experiencing the worst AF ever and my hormones have gone completely haywire again - cue uncontrollable crying

I have heard people say that your cycle becomes more normal and your hormones drop more quickly if you have a D&C - I was still getting a faint positive on a PG test 3 weeks after the MC.

I'm also 39 now, so my body probably doesn't recover as well as someone younger - other people get PG within weeks of MC ...

Will be thinking of you, and I hope it goes as well as it can be, whatever you decide. Apologies for the epic post. I think it has helped me to write it, so I hope some of it helps you x x x

Hello Fairywing. We are in a similar position. I had a scan yesterday after having a light brown spot on Saturday. I should have been 8 weeks but they could only see a tiny sac 8mm with nothing in it. They think this is cos it is so small but can't rule out ectopic so having hcg levels monitored over next 48 hours to make sure I am not still pg and it is growing elsewhere. I usually have d and c ( 3 previous mmc's at 6/7/8 weeks) but can't this time due to sac being so tiny - got to wait for natural evacuation. I am worried how long this will take and no idea what to expect - they say heavy period cos it is so small. I have been on aspirin and progesterone due to previous mmc's but wonder if there is any hope for future pg's if that didn't work.

Personally I found d and c's best option as I have a young son and I wanted to get home to him asap. Physically the op is not a problem - they starve you then you have a light anaesthetic while they do the op - some period type bleeding afterwards - mine never lasted more than a week and wasn't even sore. All my ops were over and back on the ward within an hour and if you are lucky they send you home that day once you have eaten and drank.

I found it easier to cope with as I could then try and cope with emotional aspects without worrying about physical side. Am dreading this natural way I have been forced into as I just want my hormones to go back to normal asap. It usually takes me a week for the drop in hormones to kick in . I was all set to go back to work after the second mmc and then the hormones dropped the night before - it was like pms times 100 - my boss couldn't get off the phone quick enough ( a man!).

I don't know if this is any help - I found this site a gods send during my last loss as it maked you realise you are not alone. x

Hi Fairywing, I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation.
I am 35, was my first pg, I had light brown spotting on Xmas Eve, doc got me in for a scan on 29th Dec (should have been 10.5 weeks) and unfortunately no heartbeat seen although bean was measuring 9+6. Gutted that I never got to see a heartbeat, bean looked perfect .

Having read these boards and spoken to friends who had gone through natural m/cs I did not feel I could wait and wait for it to happen, especially as in some cases it took several weeks. I then opted for medical management but backed out at last min due to reading stories about it not working/several days of heavy bleeding and having to go in for ERPC anyway. So I had ERPC on New Year's Eve and it was really the best option for me. I was in at 8am, had op at 10am, and back on ward and awake at 10.50am. I then had to have temp and blood pressure monitored but was allowed home at 4pm. Bit of heavy bleeding that day but since then very light. Although I am still bleeding lightly 3 weeks after (1 thin pad per day sees me through). Checked HCG with pg test yesterday and got a negative but as still bleeding think it will take a few weeks for proper AF to arrive.

Mood-wise I felt surprisingly ok for a week then crazy last week, crying all time and wild mood swings, told partner that we should split up etc etc but now seemingly back to normal. I wouldn't underestimate the hormonal mood swings and delayed grief. Really look after yourself and be kind to yourself, take time off work if you need to.

I agree with teachertalk this site has been a blessing over the last few weeks, don't know how I would have got by without it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

hiya fairywing, thank goodness im not an expert, but i have just had my 2nd miscarriage in 4 months. my 1st was natural at 7 weeks, i found that really hard, seeing what i was losing, i had heavy bleeding, the pain was like strong period pains. but it was the large clots i couldnt deal with, i felt sick everytime i went to the loo, (like lumps of liver) im sorry to describe it like this, but i have no other way to say it. i got pregnant again pretty quickly, i had a scan at 7 weeks (because id had some brown blood) and a heartbeat was found, we were over the moon, then on boxing day 08, i had red blood, only the once, so we went straight to a&e, as it was the weekend and xmas they told me to go to the epu on monday. i had slight brown spotting over the weekend, but i wasnt worried. i was booked in for an "emergency" scan on the tuesday, where sadly they found no heartbeat, i was 10wks pregnant, they said my baby had stopped at 9wks. i was given my options, tablets, natural or erpc, i chose the erpc, as i didnt feel strong enough to watch another baby leave me. having the erpc seemed so much simpler to me, emotionally not easy by any means, but physically easier. afterwards i bled for around 2wks on and off, just like a period. hopefully, i wont ever have to make that decision again, but if i did i would have the erpc for the reasons i have already described. we are already ttc, we are letting nature take its course. im 39 in march and we dont have time on our side. i hope you will make the right choice, you will, you will do what feels right for you, i will be thinking of you and i hope what i have said may help in some way. dianne

So sorry Fairywing. I had hoped that for the several of us that seem to be suffering this nightmare at the moment, that it would turn out well for at least one of us. Sadly that doesn't seem to be the case.

Whatever you decide I am thinking of you x

Sorry for your loss

I had a missed mc at about 9-10 weeks
I opted to wait to mc naturally, it took a further week before it started
First day was okay in terms of blood loss but v bad cramps like early labour
Then v bad blood loss, ended up in hosp and had a D&C/ERPC eventually

Having spoken to other friends who have mc naturally at 8-12 weeks they have also bled a hell of a lot
Personally I wouldn't plan on going out or doing much if you choose to wait

If there is a next time I would opt for the ERPC without hesitation

A lot of info you can get from googling tells you that brown blood is ok it is red blood that you should worry about - even the Bounty book you get when you book in with mid wife saya that. I wish they would change it as this is just not true - brown blood very often is a sign of mmc. I ignored brown spots 1st mmc and therefore got to 12 week scan to find out foetus didn't get past 6 weeks. Nurse at EPU tole me that it is the women with brown blood not red blood that often have bad news. It is so unfair and out of our control which makes it even more soul destroying.

Very very true Teachertalk - if I'd asked for a scan after seeing a teeny bit of brown blood, I wouldn't have spent another 4 whole weeks believing I was PG and happily planning a different future

Fairywing - i had a missed mc and chose the waiting route. To be honest, the mc was not very heavy (I know lots of peoples can be) an dthere was no pain.

I think my body 'held on' to the mc until I'd got through an important presentation, and then was able to talk about it with a group of very good friends. Once I'd done the tears with them, the mc started that evening.

And I got pg again 2 months later, and still had my baby (arrived 10 days early) in the same school year - one of those things that was important to me. I firmly believe in the power of the mind!

hi i am so sorry for your loss as i am writeing this a am starting to mc i had a scan on the 5th of jan and found out my baby had no heart beat i was supposed to be 12 weeks but my baby was the size of a 10 week so they say the heart had stoped two weeks earlier i waited to see if it would happen naturally and i had no signs what so ever so yesterday i went in for the first stage of medical managment iv now started to bleed and have bad cramping the choise i made was right for me i feel it gave me chance to start coming to terms with loseing my baby before the truma of actually passing it but you must do what you feel is right for you.
i am thinking of you xxxxxx

I am so pleased to have found this thread. I should be 10+4 today, but had a small amount of (red) bleeding last night and went to the early pregnancy unit to get everything checked out this afternoon. I have a 20mm sac (sp?) but it is empty. I am absolutely certain of my dates, so there is no chance that I am only 4-5 wks (which would make the scan normal apparently). I can't really contribute anything useful here, except to say that I have found reading everyone's posts very helpful. I have been booked in for another scan next Weds and will then book in for the EPRC asap after that. I've found the info here really reassuring. Many thanks all.

Hi. My 1st mc was a missed mc, I started spotting at 10 weeks, went for a scan and they told me it'd stopped growing at 8 weeks. Because it'd already been 2 weeks, the hospital recommended that I stay in to have a D&C as they thought it was clear I wasn't going to pass it naturally. I went home for the weekend to think about it, but I was in such a state, I just did what they told me to and went in on monday morning.
I was so upset about miscarrying as I had always wanted children and just didn't know how I'd get through it all. I took comfort in the fact that although my baby hadn't grown and for whatever reason wasn't destined to be born into this world, she wasn't letting go and that my body was holding onto her (don't ask me how I think it was a girl, but I do). I wrote a letter to her telling her how much I would have loved her and looked after her and how sorry I was that I couldn't give her life. It really helped me to get everything down on paper and fully explain how I was feeling.
I arrived at the hospital and was given a pessery(sp?) to insert that they said would soften my cervix. I was wheeled into theatre and given a general anesthetic. When I woke up, I was told that everything had been successfully removed and once I had eaten I could go home. I bled for about a week after and was prescribed some strong pain killers which I didn't take as at the time I felt that I deserved to feel the pain.
I have naturally mc twice and still don't know which way was worse, seeing it come away or being knocked out and having it taken away.
My first mc was 6 years ago, I was coming up 21 so after I went through a stage of drinking lots, going out with lots of different boys/men and generally disrespecting my body and allowing others to do so. I completely took all emotion out of it so now find it quite hard to fully remember as tried har to block it out. My 2nd mc that was natural I remember being quite relieved when I first saw the blood because it meant I could stop worrying about mc. 2 years later I fell pregnant again, for the third time and cannot even begin to say how scared I was, but luckily I went full term and have a wonderful son. I then mc again in April 08.
I don't suppose this has helped much as my brain seems to have blocked out any real information about these times.

fairywing hello and many hugs and thoughts go out to you and all the contributors to this thread. I have just lost my 4th and before my body took care of things I had decided that if the worst was to happen I would probably opt for the d&c. why? personally I hated the medical management as we were virtually abandoned after about the 3rd shift change, not their fault I know. I opted for it as I thought it would allow me some control but of course this is swept aside anyway. However after reading here about d&c I am glad I did'nt go down that route. jools lovely lady, had a truly awful time and I think if a mc comes out of the blue like that, as my first one did it is the stuff of nightmares. If, as you are now in the position of knowing what is sadly happening to you and your baby you do have a better chance of being able to cope. I had my 3rd at home and it was ok, I coped, dh coped. ' no I dont want another bloody cup of tea'
dozerhead big hugs your way too. x
As everyone has said its what will work for the individual and I would never have survived these last few months without these forums. Thinking of you.

I've had 2 natural and 2 erpcs. The latter were far preferable.

No advice as I've only experienced one natural miscarriage at 6 weeks just before Christmas (please God never again - and for you too!). Just wanted to post and say am very for you, lots of .

Hi Fairywing, Sorry you are ging through this. I have had 4 mc and so have had 2 natural, 1 d&c following missed and 1 medical management. I think its really individual what is best but I can see that having the medical management might be more difficult if it is your first miscarriage as you dont really know what to expect and for me, although the staff were really nice, you were left on your own a lot. The main thing I wanted to say though was that I was told I could wait and see but after waiting to see if it happened naturally I phoned the EPU to arrange for the medical management and was told that I couldnt have it for 2 weeks as there were no day beds available. I was really upset as having decided this was what I wanted, to not be able to do it was really difficult. In the end I managed to go to a different hospital within a few days but it is really just to warn you to check or be prepared that this might happen. I hope things go well for you in the future.

Thank-you so much ladies or all your replies, i am very grateful for you sharing your very personal stories with me and it really has been very helpful.

I think i am happy that i have made the right decision at the moment for me, although i am very scared. I will go out and stock up on supplies later today to make sure i am prepared, including a large bottle of jack daniels for when its all over!!! If i have to make the decision then the surgery still seems to make most sense to me.

Thankyou again, i'm sure i'll be here a lot oer the coming weeks and months for support from people who understand to get over this.

Fairywing, my cycle resumed quickly after erpc - which is another benefit if you want to try again.

fairywing big brave hug for you. Go raid m&s for nice treats and easy food. My mother always feels helpless and resorts back to the chicken soup approach which is always soooo appreciated. Lots of trashy books also good and chocolate. Have you got time of work, rest etc?

I am sorry for you. This article by Peggy Orenstein might be good for you read.

www.peggyorenstein.com/articles/2002_mourning_miscarriage.html

Hi Fairywing,

My story is a bit different to yours as I had a missed m/c at 16 weeks and didn't get the option on waiting it out at home. My options were ERPC or medical management. I opted to take the tablet and "birth" my baby and I am so glad I did.

It was an awful 2 days and there was nothing less I wanted to do in the whole world than take those tablets to start it all off, but I knew I couldn't let them just "take" my baby from me.

I had a very small bleed which I almost didn't get checked out as i'd had the same with dd1 and all was fine, but something told me to go and get it checked anyway. They couldn't find a heartbeat and my baby had died about 2 weeks previously.

The process was obviously much quicker than a full term birth, 3 hours from going in (with strong, regular contractions) to my baby coming out, it was very painful but I had gas and air and oral painkillers too.

The positive side to this is that I got to feel like I'd done one last thing for my baby, I'd given birth to him and that was a great comfort to me.

Best of luck with your decision and I hope you get through this okay.

I have started to hae some very light brown bleeding today and very mild cramps so perhaps things are starting. Not sure if i'm more sad, relieved or frightened really! Stocked up on pain killers and pads so will just stay house bound till its over now.

thinking of you fairywing.

my thoughts are with you, has your epu given you an open invite to come in/ or call them if you feel the need?