Please help me prepare myself for miscarrying and choosing how to manage it

[fairywing]

After a second scan yesterday it has been confirmed that my baby is not developing properly. I should be at least 9 weeks pregnant now, baby currently measures 6+4 with no heartbeat and has only grown by 6 days in 2 weeks. The hard part to accept is that there was no baby there at all late time and this time there is a 7mm fetal pole. I have been told that the pregnancy is not viable and was given the options of how i would like to handle it. I have opted to wait 2 weeks to see if i miscarry naturally before considering any intervention. The hospital have said i can change my mind at any time and go in for either surgical or medical management. I would like to be prepared so that i can make the decision about what option to choose if i have to and also to make sure that the decision i have made is the right one for me. I have all the facts and figures from he hospital but if there is anyone that is prepared to share their story of miscarrying and how you managed it, how you found it, would you do the same again etc i would be very very grateful. Also if anyone can give me an idea of what to expect from a natural miscarriage at my stage of pregnancy that would be very helpful. I realise these are not easy things to share and will be very grateful for any responses i get.

My current decision is based on the fact that i believe my body will let go when it is ready, that i personally will be able to move on better when i have been through the process of miscarrying and that i am not comfortable with hospitals and would rather go through this in the privacy of my own home. The thought of having the tablet and having my blood loss monitored with the use of a commode sounds so undignified and the thought of having my baby sucked out of my body just makes me feel sick but in all honesty is probably my prefered option at the moment.

I have spoken to my little one and thanked them for holding on and trying to grow as i have begged them to do for the last 2 weeks and have explained that it is time for them to leave me now, for now, to grow their wings and be a little angel to someone who needs them.

Im so sorry you are having to go through this . I hope all the info at least helps you to be prepared for what is happening. Will be thinking of you x

Fairywing, i was sad relieved and frightened when it happened. I had a heart beat on friday, very bad cramps and bleeding (clots) on friday night and no heartbeat on saturday. they told me to come back on monday to make the decision about which course and i had sort of decided on an erpc as i just wanted things over and done with as quickly as possible. however on monday morning i had a few cramps and as lots have people have said (TMI warning - i thought my constipation was finally over)felt the need to go to the loo. I passed the sac, rescued it from the loo, had a shower, wrapped up my baby in a hanky and went to the hospital where they scanned and said my womb was empty. I think i was lucky that it happened quickly like that but i am glad i did not have to do the erpc (not least because i would have had to do it without a general). i think (although time will tell)that it was good for me to have something to bury and also to be absolutely sure that my body was saying no, this was not going to work. but it seems everyone has different ways of coping. it seems to me that what you are doing now is giving your body a chance but you can always change your mind if nothing happens over the next few days. i also have found that the pain is much more manageable than it was when the baby had a heart beat because i knew it was my body's way of recovering rather than potentially harming the baby.
i am really sorry for you and the horrible wait you now have. hope someone is looking after you and that you have sky +

The bleeding stopped yesterday evening, nothing since. This really is going to be hard if its up and down like that. I still can't face going for the op yet. I know its stupid but my baby did grow some in the last 2 weeks, although i accept that this doesnt mean anything and the pregnancy isn't viable i can't say that the baby has died. I can't go through with the op until development has stopped altogether or ideally (if you can say that) started to deteriorate.

I'm now considering signing myself off sick. Its all i can think about and although i can work, to be frank i don't want to, i dont have the energy to give to anything else right now and i can't pick myself up and start to move on while i am still waiting for the blow of the actual miscarriage. At the same time work has been the only 'normal' thing going on in my life. I'm not sure, every decision seems such hard work.

Morning fairy. It's a difficult one about work. Maybe call in sick today and tomorrow, but you can always go in if you think you need to.
At the end of the day you are grieving like you would over any other loss and it'll take time to realise what it is you are capable of doing.

poor you fairy, it was only a day for me but i felt that was long enough. my bleeding stopped just before it happened too and i almost convinced myself they had made a mistake with the scan. i have been off work since the scan with no heartbeat but i know why you feel worried you will lose the "normal" bit of life. you must just do whatever helps you to get through the next few days. you certainly shouldnt feel that you should be at work just because you are still able to appear to function. hang on in there - this limbo will not last forever.

fairying I really hope you have called in sick. No woman should be working while a ms is happening. If you are not gentle on yourself now it will bite you on the bum later, please be gentle on yourself.

I agree you shouldn't be in work. I know this makes you feel normal but what is normal about what you are going through?

I am also waiting to miscarry the empty pg sac they saw on the scan on Monday. Every time I get a pain I hope that this will be the start. No luck so far. I don't feel that I can go back to work and teach children while waiting to miscarry, however being at home doesn't really help either as I don't feel like doing anything. I think maybe walking around may bring it on quicker but I just can't face going out at the moment. To make matters worse my little boy (5) asks every morning why I am not going to school (he is in same school) and is getting clingy.

I have to phone EPU in 15 mins to get results of HCG test. If levels have doubled it could be ectopic (don't think it is tho).

Thanks again Ladies, i hae called in sick and won't be going in again until after the scan at the earliest. I actually feel relieved now i have done it.

i am glad to hear it fairywing. now just try and keep yourself occupied (in a gentle way!).
teachertalk - was the test ok?

Yes I think so it is still inconclusive as the hcg levels had gone up slightly due to my body not yet realising I am not pg. I mentioned a pain in my side and before I knew it I was on a ward waiting 4 hours for a doc to examine me. Wish I had kept my mouth shut. He said it is a small normal pg sac that has stopped growing and to have a scan on Monday. I am sure they think I have my dates wrong cos I have still had no bleeding or pains and that I am actually only 4 weeks pg. That is not the case I know for a fact I should be 9 weeks. This has turned out to be the worst mmc yet even tho it ended at 4 weeks - I have usually had d and c by now and starting to get on with the emotional recovery.

teachertalk I know how you feel There is so much they don't know about mc and it seems mmc in particular. Mmc is so cruel. Often no bleeding, no pain..........loads of symptoms. I had one that stopped developing at 8 weeks (after 8 week scan with hb) and I didn't find out it had died til I was 12 weeks. I agree - better to have erpc earlier so you can start to heal and get on with life again.

I am booked to have ERPC next Thursday after having scan at 12+3 which showed no heartbeat and measuring at 9 weeks, i had scan at 7 weeks after light spotting and LO had strong heartbeat.

I started bleeding last night which is gradually getting heavier and pains are getting stronger so im thinking things are starting to happen naturally. I feel like im in limbo, i dont know where i want to be or what i want to do, i also have DS aged 3 to look after. Im trying to keep things as 'normal' as possible for his sake but tis hard. Not too sure what to do bout work yet, i had arranged to go in mon aft and Wednesday all day prior to op on Thursday then have few days off after op, but with bleeding now not sure if bleeding will be too heavy to go into work Monday, will have to see. Work know the situation and are very understanding.

Just wanted to post to say my thoughts are with you all suffering with MC .
My first pg was a mmc and the scan showed it had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I opted for a D&C as I had held onto it for another 5 weeks without any signs of mc and wanted to get it all over with quickly. Spent a lot of time at home afterwards not wanting to do much, but had some great friends who helped me through it.
My 2nd pg I naturally mc at 7 weeks which was horrible, but I suppose at least I knew what was happening! Experienced lots of pain and blood and was away at the time with friends, so decided to go out and get very drunk! Sorry if TMI but I buried what I passed in my garden under a plant.
After my 2nd mc I fell pregnant very quickly and now have a lovely DD of 9 months.
Best wishes to you all. xxx

teachertalk- how did your scan go?
Fairywing - how are you now?

Im ok thank-you. I started with some bright red bleeding on Sunday afternoon. By yesterday afternoon it was like a normal period, by that evening it was more watery and today darker and lighter. I was hopeful that it was all happening naturally but now i'm not so sure, i haven't really passed any large clots or anything and no bad cramps just mild period pain. Emotionally i am doing ok. I cry when i want to and the rest of the time i try to stay positive and keep busy. It seems to be working for me. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Big thanks to everyone who has told their story on this thread.

I had a scan this morning which showed our baby had stopped growing the day after the six week scan (when he/she had a heartbeat). They said I had a MMC and have offered the wait and see approach, or a D & C.

I'm not very keen on either (feeling quite sceptical about the wait and see approach given that the baby died almost four weeks ago, and am totally scared of having a D & C) but this thread really helps.

Lots of love to you all x

Hello pinky i was on the Aug 09 thread with you but a scan at 12 weeks showed my little angel had no heartbeat and was dated at about just over 9 weeks. I was given the options and i decided to go for the ERPC (which is also known as a D&C), i was booked in for a week later which would have been tomorrow, but nature intervened and i mc,d naturally which was an awful experience in terms of blood loss/pain etc.

Only you will know what route you want to take re natural or D & C but having had D&C/ERPC in the past it wasnt that bad in terms of after pain bleeding etc. Hugs to you at this awful time X

Thanks anniecam. It is a nightmare isn't it? I hope you're doing ok this week.

I think what you did sounds like a sensible plan and I'm tempted to book myself in for the D & C next Wednesday, then if it happens naturally before that, then so be it.

Hello!

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I went for a scan yesterday at 10 weeks and there was no heart beat. (I haven't used the word Baby throughout the pregnancy - I used Fred instead, it seems strange not to use the nick name now). My Fred stopped growing at around 6 weeks. They discussed my options but I wasn't really listening so its been really helpful to read your stories. At the minute I'm at home waiting for nature to take its course, but if Fred actually died 3 or 4 weeks ago and I have no pain or bleeding yet I might be in for a wait. I'm booked to go back for a ERPC next week, I didn't want them to do anything yesterday I need some time to prepare myself. I'm not sure whether to go through with the ERPC or not.

I'm really not sure what to do with myself this week, I got a friend to ring work for me, my husband works away. Staying in bed eating chocolate seems a plan for today.

Graciegirl - have followed you from the Sept thread as was so sorry about your loss and have unfortunately had some experience with this. You are right to take some time to think about your options as it's such a hard decision. From my experience of an 8 week MC, the ERPC (or D&C as I knew it) was like having reasonably bad period pains. And I only felt that for an hour or two. The hospital should give you any pain relief you need and from my experience, are very understanding of the mental pain you are going through. It is a bit of a waiting game when you are there and you should definitely take someone with you to hold your hand but in terms of physical pain, there isn't much.

I'm not sure if you are working at the moment but if you are, make sure you don't go back too quickly. The first time I had an mc I went back almost straight away cos from what I could work out, I was physically healed so I had to just crack on. This was a huge mistake as it took me ages to deal with what had happened. The second time round, I learnt from this and the GP signed me off for 4 weeks without hesitation with an offer to extend if I felt necessary. The 4 weeks was plenty as it turned out and I returned back to work more positive and able to deal with what had happened.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Cautiousmumtobe - thank you so much for your advice and support, it really helps to hear from others who have been there.

So far I'm off work for 2 weeks, but that would mean going back 6 days after the ERPC which is a bit soon. Especially as I work in A&E and will no doubt have to look after someone else having a miscarriage/ectopic, or worse one of our regular pregnant heroin addicts or teenagers coming in requesting abortions. I'm far from ready for that.

Hi Graciegirl, I am so very sorry for your loss and decided to share my experience with you in the hope that it may help a little. On the 11th Dec 08 I began to bleed at 11.4 weeks, When I was scanned it showed my baby had died at approx 6 weeks. I was utterly devastated as my pregnancy seemed "Normal". I was given several options but decided to try and allow my body to do things naturally. I bled for just over 3 weeks over the Christmas and New Year period, Including a very heavy bleed on the 11th/12th days. I was booked back in for a scan on the 8th Jan 09 to confirm my womb was empty. The early pregnancy unit advised me that I could do a Pregnancy test and if this came back Neg- I would not need to return for a scan. I had stopped bleeding by now and was really upset when the test came back Pos+. I went for my scan and was informed that the baby was still there. To be honest I just felt totally irrationally furious at this point, as I felt my body had now let me down not once but twice. I decided enough was enough as I was finding it increasingly difficult to cope with, so decided to have the ERPC the next day. My husband was able to stay with me all day. I was admitted at 8.30 am and after all the form filling it was just a case of waiting. The staff were very kind and Finally at 2.30 I was given the tablets to soften and dilate my cervix. I was taken down for the op an hour later. When I woke up, I had very little pain and felt a strange sense of relief. I was able to go home later that evening and after 48 hrs rest felt physically better. The bleeding was not as heavy as an adverage period and stopped after a week. Mentally I am still dealing with it all but personally I am still glad I gave my body the chance to do things naturally. I know in my case it did not work out but I think it gave me a chance to better prepare myself both mentally and emotionally. But at the same time I am also glad that I had the ERPC when I did as I felt I had waiting long enough. It is now nearly 4 weeks since the procedure and I am having my first period. It IS heavy and uncomfortable and I have also felt really really nauseous for the last 3 days. I wondered if anyone else had experianced this? I hope that this year is kind to us all and we are blessed with the babies we long for. X much love to you all X

Hello to all.

Fairywing - how are you doing now?
Graciegirl - my thoughts are with you too.

Very strange to be making my first post on mumsnet for the saddest of reasons. I went for a scan at EPAU last week (my 8th) due to intermittent bleeding (not that heavy) but think I just knew all was not well. Very strange going from seeing 'our little blob' on screen to be told that it wasn't good news and there was no heartbeat, all in the space of a few minutes. They think it stopped growing at 6 weeks. Whilst at the hospital I felt confident, if that's the right word of home/self-managing but right now I'm terrified. I know I have to prepare myself mentally for what's ahead but I'm really losing my nerve and from what I've read here feel like I'm now moving towards ERPC.

Am commuting into work and attempting to carry on as normal but my boss (female with 3 children) seems unable to stop herself from saying the most insensitive and unhelpful things. When I say, I'm normal, I am less good at home and don't want to alienate lovely boyfriend whom I screamed at on Saturday and told him I hated him. Nice.

Much love to all who are going through or have been through the same.

I have had 5 miscarriages, each one has come away naturally, looking back however sometimes I think that perhaps I should have had a dc in order to make sure that everything absolutely everything is gone in order to prepare for the next...its a long line of things that I think about perhaps would help next time...could go on forever!

Its important for you to make sure that you stay healthy as you have already started the path and have been told that there is little hope then you need to make sure that you make the right and necessary choices to make sure that you are protected..from infections etc..

I wish you luck, I have already posted on here today just how crap you feel..its so heart breaking and there is nothing that can be done..I wish that there was a magic pill to stop all this from happening and for us all to go through pregnancy without fear...when I discover that one il also try looking for the one that makes money grow on trees...

Good luck with this if anything (and im a right one to talk) but stay as positive as you can, dont let it frighten you ....but what ever is said ..just go with your own body it will tell you what needs doing

x