Miscarriage and work - what did you do?

[ChasingButterflies]

Would appreciate hearing people's experiences as I really don't know what to do.

Started to bleed a little on Monday - was 9weeks. Had a scan at EPAU yesterday, confirmed no heartbeat, was told it was a missed miscarriage, baby died at 8 weeks. Staff were lovely and spent lots of time talking to me about my options and decided to try to let nature take its course.

So I'm at home, bleeding a bit but not heavily yet, aching tummy but not desperately painful. But I have no clue what to do about work. DP insisted I took today off but I feel a bit fraudulent as very little is happening yet. OTOH my huge fear is being at work when the heavy bleeding starts. Am fairly calm at the moment but aware that the reality of this hasn't properly hit me yet.

What's normal in these circumstances? Did you take days/weeks off? And what do you tell work? I'd really rather nobody at work knew about the mmc but not sure how I get round that. So far I've just said I'm ill, no details.

TIA

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I hope you dont mind me butting in, I havent experienced miscarriage myself but I have friends who have and I would say that its not just the bleeding and physical suffering that you need time off for, you should take time off to help you get on the road to recover emotionally as well.

Perhaps you could tell one person in HR at your work confidentially and they will then ensure that you get the time off you need without everyone knowing if thats what you'd prefer.

Sorry you are going through this
My employer knew from early I was pg so when I had a scan that wasn't looking good I told them.
I had that day which was a Friday the Monday so that I could email my colleagues so that I wouldn't have to tell them face to face.
I had to be rescanned for them to double check 2 weeks later so had that day off and then had the 2 days for the ERPC.
When I was first told that I had mc I was devesated and didn't think I would cope with being at work. I did go in and looking back I think I am glad I did as it kept me busy through that bad time.
I think had I mc naturally I probably would have taken more time off though
Look after yourself and take as much time as you need x

chasingbutterflies so sorry to hear about your mmc.

Everyone is different and am sure others will be along soon. I started off feeling very keen to get back to work, and as things took a while to settle (an ectopic so needed treatment) and the reality of everything hit me, I wanted to stay off. I really think you will want to be at home until the bleeding has really settled and the pain etc gets better.

There was a certain element of relief in getting back to "normal" when I went back, but it is also tricky to deal with questions about your absence if you get tearful thinking about it!!

When people asked me where I'd been, I just told the (very brief) truth, as I found it led to less discussion, and allowed people to be understanding if I disappeared sometimes etc.

Try not to factor in worries about other people/deadlines at the moment and just do what's best for you. Take care x

Hiya

Sorry to hear you are going through this I started bleeding last week (no scan, no warning) so had similar questions.

I was relatively lucky in that I was on leave at the time, so only had to take Thurs / Fri off and am staying off till tomorrow. My bleeding started very heavy, tailed off after three days and lasted a week. There is no way at all I could have worked for the first 5 days - you may have contractions and your muscles will be sore. Also, hormones will be all over the place - sobbing one minute, fine the next. I'd been warned about this both by other MN'ers and my GP and the extreme of emotions still floored me - couldn't cope with that at work.

Be kind to yourself and take at least a week off - you will need to start the emotional healing process aswell as the physical. Can you work from home at all ?

I told work that my holiday had ended badly - in A&E with internal bleeding - close enough to the truth I guess. If I feel after today that I need more time off, I shall see my GP, get signed off and let HR know what happened.

Apparently pregnancy-related sickness cannot count as part of your normal sickness record, which is useful to know as I was off sick for a month earlier this year (unrelated) and am concerned about how this looks.

Hope that helps.

Hi

Very sorry to hear this is happening to you. I took a few days off when I found out about my MMC (already had leave booked anyway), and me and DP spent that time together, grieving I suppose (we actually went out and did stuff, which really helped).

I told my boss and he told his boss but that was all, the other staff were just told I was ill, which was what I wanted as I didn't want to be treated weirdly when I went back. Being back at work the next week really helped as it was a distraction from obsessing about what had happened. I was lucky in that by then I had already suffered the worst of the pain and bleeding - wouldn't have wanted to be in work when that was still going on.

Everyone is different though so go with your heart as to what you feel will help you most. Take as much time off as you need.

Incidentally I had acupuncture afterwards as I had terrible anxiety and that really helped me deal with it.

Thanks all, I really appreciate your kind messages. Sorry to all of you who have been/are going through similar (and 2point4 - thanks very much, please don't worry about butting in)

This probably sounds very lame but I almost need someone to say: take x time off. It's as if I need permission to do it, if that makes sense, and to know what is ok (I am worrying about taking too little or too much time). Perhaps it's because I still don't feel as if anything is really happening yet. I feel kind of suspended, waiting for the mc to really start.

I feel nervous about being upfront about it at work, not least because nobody knew I was pg and I've not long returned from maternity leave for my ds. It feels terribly exposing, as if people will know that we're trying for another baby. Also I really don't want to talk about it to anyone in RL just yet. Thanks for the suggestion about telling someone in HR in confidence; that sounds a possibility, although presumably they would have to tell my line manager the truth?

Perhaps workplaces ought to have policies on mc

I'd stay at home till the worst of the bleeding is over - its really not something you want to do in a work toilet, and you might not be then in an emotional place to get home.

I wanted to be back at work as soon as possible so that I could bury my head in work rather than being at home just thinking.

I told close colleagues by email, and others that I had been ill.

Sorry to hear your news.

I miscarried on a BH Monday, had been bleeding over the weekend. I took the rest of the week off. At first I fely physically fine, the next day I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, and my head was in bits.

Even when I went back to work the following week I kept bursting into tears.

Dh rang my boss and told her about m/c, she was lovely about it but I get on with her really well.

Your boss may ask questions if you just say you were ill, and colleagues will ask questions on your return and this may upset you. You definatley should take time off to rest and look after yourself.

Thank you.

The consensus does seem to be that it's a good thing to take a few days or even a week off. I definitely don't want the worst of the bleeding to happen at work, would be unbearable.

Does anyone know, if I end up needing a doctor's note, presumably they have to tell the truth about the reasons for absence? Maybe this will change but at the moment I just can't bear the idea of anyone at work knowing or asking me about it. Haven't even told friends or family yet (none of them knew I was pg) - is that weird?

Quick update - saw my GP who has signed me off for a week (and is happy to do so for longer if I need it). She was very kind and reassuring about the possibility of changing my mind about the decision to let things happen naturally. I now realise a big part of my anxiety is because I assumed things would start happening straight away after the scan, though of course there's no reason why they should... So am still waiting but feeling a bit better now I've decided to put work to one side for a while.
Thanks for all the supportive messages

Hi there. Am so sorry for your loss. Your doctor sounds lovely - take your time to heal and do what's right for you. I too was worried about work & the first MC I was signed off automatically for 2 weeks (was 6 weeks). The 2nd MC 4 months later (was 11 weeks) I ended up taking a total of 5 weeks.
One week for the initial shock/bleed followed by ERPC. Then the 2 weeks. Then because in my job I couldn't hide away anywhere (I had to be dealing with very challenging people constantly face to face - and be nice!) I couldn't do it - so I took a further 2 weeks. And I am so glad I did.
Now I know everyone is different - and work would have helped me if I'd had an office space, or had understanding colleagues, or had a job where I could take personal space even if just for 5 mins every hour - but I didn't. Plus my sickness policy at work worked on points - days off x the amount of occasions. Except that anything realted to pregnancy does not count. So I figured if I went back too soon and had to take further days because I couldn't function 110% - then I would have faced disciplinary procedures.
Sorry for the waffle! Everyone is different, there really should be a policy for miscarriages & counselling afterwards etc - just do what is right for you, take all the time you need, and look after yourself.

sorry for your loss - am currently going through it too. Had an ERPC today. Going back to work on Thursday. Have had 4 m/c, two natural and 2 medical. I agree with what others say, you tend to need more time off work if you don't have an ERPC as the bleeding and pain lasts longer. Hope it doesn't drag on too much and that you recover well.