Coping after 2nd trimester loss

[PrettyPleaseXo]

This is never something I thought I’d be posting
I found out my baby boy had abnormalities at my 12 weeks scan however was active, normal fluid levels and had a heartbeat. What made this worst was I had scans at 6 and 8 weeks privately which were normal and a 10 week scan due to a bleed which again was perfect. I was referred to a specialist hospital for a follow up scan and to make a plan going forward regarding potentially treatment for what appeared to be a larger bladder and monitoring and my appointment was 5 days later. At this appointment, I was 14 weeks and baby no longer had a heartbeat.

Yesterday I had surgery as I couldn’t face being induced and my body wasn’t miscarrying on its own. however I started contracting the night before and contracted all night and immediately started bleeding and further contracting once they gave me the medication to soften my cervix.

I know it’s only been 24 hours since surgery but how do you cope after this sort of loss? I keep having panic attacks and intense episodes of sobbing. I’m cramping and bleeding following the surgery and just don’t know how I’m meant to ever move forward. I can’t face getting out of the house and I’m having to stay at my mums to support with my two older children.

Sending you hugs. I too had a 12 week scan which showed abnormalities and baby unlikely to survive long after birth. As it turned out I miscarried at 14 weeks a little boy. A blessing probably as it would have been worse to carry full term. Similar to your story so I understand your pain. Take time to grieve and be kind to yourself. Life will return to normal and there will be happy times ahead.

This is what I keep telling myself lovely that with little man’s abnormalities he most likely wouldn’t have survived to birth and I would probably have had to make the awful decision of TFMR so he took that decision out of my hands which I am so grateful for even though it’s killing me now.

it’s the process of the silliest things like deleting the pregnancy apps, trying to fix my algorithms to get rid of anything pregnancy/baby related and deleting things out of my calendar. Im dreading seeing anyone or leaving the house as I can’t think or talk about him without absolutely breaking down

I'm so so sorry for your loss 💐 you are going through shock, grief and recovering from surgery, that is a lot for anyone to cope with. In the short term, I would speak to your GP and see if he can prescribe a mild sedative for a few days so you can ease the panicky feelings and get some rest to aid your physical recovery.

The only thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve - it's perfectly normal to cry, feel whatever you're feeling and just get through the next hour and the next. Grief is exhausting so you may need to rest much more. When you're feeling up to it, get outside in the fresh air, even if it's just wrapped up in a blanket sitting in the garden. Breathe in the fresh air and feel the sunlight on your face. Connecting with nature can be healing.

The only other thing you need is time. You will always carry the loss of your little one with you in your heart but the pain and shock will fade in time and you will feel happiness and joy again. That doesn't mean you get over your loss - you don't, you just learn to live alongside it. Sending hugs 🫂