Second miscarriage… why do I feel ok / so different this time?

[Featherlemon]

Unfortunately experiencing my second miscarriage in 9 months, and I’m feeling quite confused by my emotional reaction to it.

I’m only a few days on from the scan that told us the bad news and am currently waiting for treatment, so I’m in that horrible limbo. I feel quite flat/numb, but generally okay.

With my first miscarriage, I was absolutely devastated - crying all the time, and I found the lead-up to the due date particularly unbearable.
Both losses have been at 9 weeks. Last time, we had seen a heartbeat and the loss was completely unexpected. This time, the pregnancy didn’t develop beyond 5 weeks.

Has anyone else had such different emotional reactions to their miscarriages? I feel quite guilty about how I’m feeling this time, especially as I’m not as ‘upset’ as I was before. I wonder if it will hit me once the treatment is over and I’m out of this limbo, or whether this is just how I’m processing it this time.

Would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar 💐

I’ve had lots of loss unfortunately, a few early misses 5/6 weeks when TTC our first, followed by a later losses (16+ weeks). The first early and the 16+ week (baby was typically developing at 12 weeks scan, spotting and bleeding at 16 weeks with too slow a heartbeat, actual loss at 19/20 weeks) devastated me. Both were before I’d been able to carry a baby to term and I really struggled with holding that. In hindsight I only took two weeks off work - including working when in limbo - and it should have been much more. It’s some years ago now and I still mark my little man at certain memories and think about him.

My eldest DD was born 15 ish months later, my middle a year after. TTC-ing our third I’d 2x more losses, and wondered if I’d become numb as while I felt sad - I was mainly angry/frustrated at the growing age gap and the emotional and physical toll of getting pregnant, being sick, getting through the miserable early pregnancy months “for no reason” (apologies to anyone for the bluntness of this but it’s something I really felt at the time).

I think in truth; there isn’t a standard coping book for loss. Some I could work through (and did, hiding it from my team). Others I needed space and sick leave for. Physically and emotionally they impacted me differently. I also remember feeling “guilt” - wondering if maybe I just hadn’t wanted that pregnancy as much or not felt as attached. In reality, detachment was one of my survival mechanisms for keeping going. I couldn’t have (in those moments of time) have survived the same “what if”/ and grief that I did previously.

Aware this isn’t directly answering your question but…not falling apart doesn’t mean your doing it “wrong” or necessarily mean grief will hit (harder) later. Sometimes it’s just saying something about how we need to respond to cope in the moment. Hope you can be kind to yourself, give the guilt a rest, and keep yourself going in whatever ways work for you right now. And that your in next stage of treatment your met with kindness.

It's very understandable you're trying to protect yourself after the previous loss. You definitely don't have to feel guilty. It's quite normal to react differently.
I've had three losses. The first one was very early, I was upset but got over it quickly, and conceived again on the following cycle. When I miscarried again, this time at 10 weeks, I was devastated, and didn't go to work for 4 weeks. We also took 6 months off trying as I couldn't face dealing with this again. When we eventually got pregnant again I went into it knowing there was a high risk it could happen again. We found out at an early scan it wasn't developing properly and I was quite upset for 2 days, and then again when I actually started bleeding. But all in all I got over it quickly, took a few days off work, but ultimately just wanted to move one, whereas after the second loss I basically could face the world for a month. I'm sorry for your losses and wishing you best of luck with everything x

I had really different reactions each time. For my early loss I was devastated, didn’t really want to speak to anyone.

My ectopic was so medically led that I didn’t really process it until afterwards but I had recovery time that really helped as being off work. I was keen to try again.

My recent miscarriage I felt really annoyed and jealous of other pregnant people. I hated people feeling sorry for me and fussing me. I had a d and c and was fine right up until my first proper period and then it really hit me (possibly hormones too). It was 8 weeks later, last week and I literally stayed up all night crying, my emotions are still really on the surface and anything will set me off.

Theres no right way of dealing with it, just take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to for your own physical and mental health. It’s such an awful thing to experience, with such complicated emotions. Whatever you are feeling is right for you and you shouldn’t feel guilty or wrong about it.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind advice and I’m so sorry for the losses you have experienced

I’m sorry for you loss - it’s so hard

I I became quite pragmatic about mine - first one knocked me for six but the subsequent 4 - while unpleasant didn’t have the same impact. However they did occur between successful pregnancies apart from the first which might explain it a little.

The last three, in quick succession, did shake me and my last child was born after one last go before accepting it was time to stop so I did panic a little