My friend and I were both pregnant I miscarried

[Francescarae]

My friend and I were both pregnant at the same time, I had a traumatic missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and ended up in ICU she was only 5 weeks behind me and I’m really struggling with our friendship, I would of now been 30 weeks and i can’t bear the thought of even seeing her as it’s a constant reminder of what should of been for me, ours was also an IVF pregnancy and I did everything right, I was so healthy, I can’t even speak to her on the phone as I can hear her smoking and it makes me so angry, how can she have a healthy pregnancy when she smokes and eats all the wrong food and I did everything perfectly for my baby.

i don’t feel like I can talk about my pregnancy loss to her and I don’t want to hear about her pregnancy, when I do speak to her she moans about how sick she feels or how bad her hormones are and I would do anything in the world to feel like that, she has no idea how lucky she is, it’s her 4th child and she acts like “it’s just another child” she even ate rare steak, I know I shouldn’t be angry about this but I am, I did everything I possibly could for my baby.

what makes it harder is she calls me every day and I don’t answer it. Our husbands are best friends and have been for a very long time so I can’t just cut her off (which would be easier) I feel like such a bad person but I can’t even speak to her without thinking that’s where I should of been, it would of been me. I feel okay day to day if I don’t speak to her but as soon as I do I feel really low.

our other friend has a baby who I don’t mind spending time with, it’s literally that her pregnancy reminds me of mine and all the trauma and it’s really hard, my husband is now pressuring me to speak to her and it’s putting a strain on our relationship and I really don’t know how to move past this, how on earth will I meet the baby, this has all made my miscarriage so much harder.

i feel so guilty about how i feel, even my husband says I’m being horrible. I feel so awkward, I’ve been doing counselling but it hasn’t helped.

any advice at all would be hugely appreciated xx

I have no advice but I was in exactly your position several years ago (first baby, IVF, missed miscarriage). It is incredibly tough to go through and I still find it hard to look at my best friend's daughter and not imagine our little one and what they should be doing. Send you a massive hug x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a similar experience, I miscarried and on what would have been the date of our twelve week scan a friend announced her pregnancy. She’d had a really tough time getting pregnant, and I was delighted for her, but she was a literal walking reminder of what could have been and I found it really hard being around her at times.

I’ve also been there with another friend who would complain to me (following three losses she knew about) about how hard her pregnancy was. She was having a rough ride, and was allowed to find it hard, but I wish she’d have chosen her audience better. It wouldn’t have cost her anything to have considered that I might find not need to hear it.

I’d ask your husband why it’s so important to him that you pretend her behaviour is OK. Because it’s not, really. She has her pregnancy and she doesn’t need to complain to you. She needs to pick her audience better.

You're well within your right to keep your distance from this friend for your own sanity. You need time and it hasn't been long at all. It will get easier as time goes on, and it's ok to prioritise your personal feelings during such a difficult time. You're not doing anything wrong by not speaking to your friend when it doesn't feel right. Maybe you can catch up once a week over the phone instead of everyday. But if it feels hard as I can imagine it does, don't force yourself. You aren't there just to listen to your friend's problems, she should be there to listen to yours too. Friendship is a two-way street. I can't help but feel she should empathise with and be mindful of everything you've been through. Take each day as it comes. Do some nice things for yourself, plan some activities you wouldn't usually do, try new things, lots of self care etc. You are healing and you deserve to put yourself first. I'm sorry for your loss x

It's hard but you're going to have to pull away from the friendship for a while and tell your friend why. Do remember that the vast majority of miscarriages are due to chromosome issues, and nothing can be done about it happening. Fixating on your own and your friend's choices regarding health isn't necessarily going to help you. You're not being horrible - don't feel that way. It's a totally normal reaction to an awful situation.

Also, you are NOT being horrible. I think this is just a situation that is very difficult for a partner to understand because it isn't their body that goes through it. That doesn't give him the right to make such comments though. Rise above it and stay strong. Don't be afraid to tell him how he is making you feel so he is aware if he isn't already. Keep going at the counselling as you might reach a breakthrough, I hope you do 🙏🏼 x

@CrazylazyJane this is what I worry about, how will I feel with the baby/child it’s going to be hard. I’m so sorry you’ve been through it.

her husband also keeps reminding me that our children should of been growing up together which makes it all feel worse x

Wow her husband is an insensitive fuckwit.

If I were you I’d pull away from them and be honest about why (not that you resent her smoking etc but that it’s too painful for you to be reminded constantly of your loss).

In my experience it will be slightly easier once their baby arrives.

I had a similar situation with exactly the same number of weeks. Mine was in the pandemic and I had to have an operation during which I lost the baby.

I felt very similarly to you and avoided her. I did then pluck up the courage to bring it up on a walk and just said I was struggling but didn't want to upset her so would try to keep it to myself but it was hard, then changed the subject. We have become slightly less close, largely because I find it very hard meeting her with her son as every time I get a jolt that I would have had a child the same age. It doesn't help much but the reality is this is something you may always feel around her with their child.

My partner and I split about 10 months later and ultimately I've been able to pit it to rest a bit more partly because of that. I don't know how I would have felt if we had stayed together and had another baby. I do think sometimes that can help but the losses never fully go away I'm afraid.

@SagittariusUprising thanks for your reply.

My husband keeps telling me that I’m ruining everyone’s friendship but it’s just really hard for me, I’ve been very cautious about not mentioning my problems/baby loss as I don’t want to upset her or worry her.

i tried to explain this afternoon how I’m feeling and she just said I can’t keep looking back and need to look forwards which made me feel worse x

@SagittariusUprising sorry you’ve been through it too x

Also to mention her husband also told me that I’d ruined their pregnancy announcement as they didn’t feel like they could share their news because of me, while I appreciate their intentions may of been good I also don’t want to feel like I’ve ruined things for them, she also said I just need to move on now.

I feel confused about how I should be feeling as I feel guilty all the time x

@mimiscards thanks for your reply, she’s called me 3 times today so i eventually did answer and told her how I feel, she didn’t really seem to want to listen and kept trying to change the conversation, I think I definitely need the space as she then sent me photos this afternoon of her new hair colour and once again it made me angry, I know it sounds ridiculous but I wouldn’t of dyed my hair as I was so cautious, and she told me they have booked their first holiday away with the baby and it just upset me, I can’t feel like this every time we speak x

I had this. I had a stillborn baby at 29 weeks & her baby was fine. Ruined our friendship

@mimiscards also now the consultant has said we can do another embryo transfer when we feel ready, they just assume that I am okay which I’m not x

He's a fucking arsehole.

Nobody understands the pain unless they've been through it themselves. I had to go and visit a close friend to meet their newborn baby less than 2 weeks after I miscarried because I kept it a secret and didn't want to be questioned. It killed me inside and she kept going on about how great it was that she fell pregnant her first cycle because she can plan when to have her next etc.

Her husband sounds really insensitive. What a knob.

Sorry OP but your husband is behaving awfully. it's an awful thing to happen to anyone, and made worse by it being IVF pregnancy. Your mental health and how you grieve is far more important than this "friendship". Can you send a very strongly worded text to your friend, I wouldn't mention her smoking, just say you are finding it too hard to speak to her at the moment but you wish her well with her pregnancy. I'd honestly consider blocking her number.

@Peonies12 i really don’t see how we can be friends right now it’s just so hard.

they sent our baby off for testing as I had a major hemmorage in surgery so they wanted to test it, it all came back completely normal as did the placenta. I know it’s not always to do with health it’s just so frustrating that her not being healthy and making very poor choices in my opinion her baby is absolutely fine and I think the anger I feel about this probably isn’t healthy x

Haha what naivety. If I was you I would have been pulling out some stats on secondary infertility....

Friend and her husband sound pretty insensitive, she's calling you every day to moan anywhere pregnancy? Yes there is a line where you have to carry on sometimes, but it's reasonable to pull back for a bit and everyone <should> be understanding of that.

Lol to pps friend and her projected easy family planning. I really hope that works out for her.

@Sauvblanctime that’s so sad that you went through this , I’m so sorry.

did your friendship ever recover?

@Peonies12 we had 8 years of fertility struggles before falling pregnant and then losing it, I also nearly died in surgery so it’s all been very hard, my husband was really good but it’s been 3 months now and maybe because we are talking about trying again he thinks it’s okay when it’s not, I’m going to speak to him this evening as he’s putting me under too much pressure with the friendship.

i really do need a break from her as I feel okay until she calls, and she doesn’t respect my boundaries either, I’ve told her so many times how I feel and asked her not to speak about the pregnancy, also her husband makes it so much worse x

When we had our lovely rainbow baby, I was very careful how I shared the news with people I knew it would be difficult for. And it didn’t diminish anything for me. I knew how lucky I was, and considering their feelings didn’t take anything from my happiness or excitement.

There has historically been a lot of silence and shame around pregnancy loss, so those who haven’t been there don’t know how hard it can be. Thankfully so, as I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But it does mean people sometimes say things from a position of having no idea what they’re taking about. Some wonderfully empathetic people get it, but I heard some clangers from people who usually have my back and want the best for me.

And, yes, it’s important to move forward, but taking time to grieve and process what has happened is a healthy and important part of that.

But do try not to focus on her lifestyle choices, it’s not going to help you, unfair as it might feel x

I had a similar situation in the sense that my sister in law was pregnant at the same time as me - due dates nearly identical. Her pregnancy progressed and mine didn't. I found it difficult and will have pangs at times when seeing my lovely niece. I would definitely distance myself from your friend and her husband - I think until you have experienced pregnancy loss you just don't get it. I would really recommend 'The Worst Girl Gang' materials - they have a book, website, Instagram etc and I found them very helpful.

You've done nothing wrong here, so don't feel horrible - you aren't. Your feelings about your friend's pregnancy and her health choices are completely natural, and rather than confront her with them - which would be unreasonable - you are trying to process those feelings yourself, only nobody is giving you the space to do that! Both husbands are behaving appallingly and your friend is being really insensitive as well. I think you need to tell them all that you need a break from the friendship and to be given the time and privacy to deal with what has been a cataclysmic experience for you. There is no timetable for "getting over" a loss and to put you under pressure to act normally is very wrong. Your husband in particular needs to be given a kick up the arse. He should be supporting you to process and heal at your own pace, not guilt-tripping you about this friendship which doesn't sound like the most supportive or reciprocal in any case. You're not making accusations or trying to spoil this woman's pregnancy, you just don't want to be bombarded with it at a time when you are vulnerable and hurting - there is nothing unreasonable about that and you have the right to set boundaries around it.