My friend and I were both pregnant I miscarried

[Francescarae]

My friend and I were both pregnant at the same time, I had a traumatic missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and ended up in ICU she was only 5 weeks behind me and I’m really struggling with our friendship, I would of now been 30 weeks and i can’t bear the thought of even seeing her as it’s a constant reminder of what should of been for me, ours was also an IVF pregnancy and I did everything right, I was so healthy, I can’t even speak to her on the phone as I can hear her smoking and it makes me so angry, how can she have a healthy pregnancy when she smokes and eats all the wrong food and I did everything perfectly for my baby.

i don’t feel like I can talk about my pregnancy loss to her and I don’t want to hear about her pregnancy, when I do speak to her she moans about how sick she feels or how bad her hormones are and I would do anything in the world to feel like that, she has no idea how lucky she is, it’s her 4th child and she acts like “it’s just another child” she even ate rare steak, I know I shouldn’t be angry about this but I am, I did everything I possibly could for my baby.

what makes it harder is she calls me every day and I don’t answer it. Our husbands are best friends and have been for a very long time so I can’t just cut her off (which would be easier) I feel like such a bad person but I can’t even speak to her without thinking that’s where I should of been, it would of been me. I feel okay day to day if I don’t speak to her but as soon as I do I feel really low.

our other friend has a baby who I don’t mind spending time with, it’s literally that her pregnancy reminds me of mine and all the trauma and it’s really hard, my husband is now pressuring me to speak to her and it’s putting a strain on our relationship and I really don’t know how to move past this, how on earth will I meet the baby, this has all made my miscarriage so much harder.

i feel so guilty about how i feel, even my husband says I’m being horrible. I feel so awkward, I’ve been doing counselling but it hasn’t helped.

any advice at all would be hugely appreciated xx

Good grief you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel sorry about. Your friend is insensitive and I have no words for her husband, he's a disgrace. Your own DH needs to have a word with himself too. I would be massively distancing myself from the 'friend' and wouldn't have anything to do with the husband any more and would also be expecting my own DH to buck his ideas up and be supportive of his wife who has and is going through a massively traumatic event. I've been there, I mc when my friend was pregnant, it took a long time to get used to it but everyone gave me space and time to adjust, it was 20 years ago now and we're all still friends. If they had behaved like your 'friends" though then we wouldn't have remained friends. Look after yourself OP and surround yourself with people who care and will look after you.

@Alwaysalwayscold that must of been incredibly hard for you, I’m so sorry x

he really is and it doesn’t help he tried to show us their scan photos and heartbeat video which I had to say I’m really sorry but this is too much for both of us, my husband found this hard too and agreed it was too much x

@SagittariusUprising im so happy you got your rainbow.

i think I would be the same if i was to announce a pregnancy I always planned to do it in a careful way as already had a lot of feelings from fertility struggles/ IVF.

i will really try not to think about her lifestyle choices as angry as it makes me, i think it’s easier if we just don’t talk for a while, she suggested meeting up when I spoke to her about my feelings and said she would wear a baggy jumper which also made me angry so I really don’t think that’s a good idea, you have all made me feel like my feelings are more normal x

@tulipsunday that must of been so hard sorry you’ve been through it.

you are so right people don’t understand how intense the pain is with pregnancy loss. I will have a look at that thanks x

@sprigatito thank you, it’s so nice to hear that my feelings are normal, I’ve honestly felt so guilty and like a horrible person.

im going to try and explain my feelings to my husband this evening, everyone has just assumed I’m okay as it’s been three months but it’s still so hard.

Ive been as considerate as possible about their pregnancy and have been so cautious about talking about my problems as I didn’t want to scare or worry her but she doesn’t seem to think about how I might be feeling as I really don’t want to hear about the pregnancy all the time, she called me to tell me she was thinking about what to put in her hospital bad which I really didn’t need to hear, it just hurts so much and I really wish things were different x

@Springtimewingtime thank you so much for making me feel like I haven’t done anything wrong I’ve felt so bad about all of this especially ruining their pregnancy announcement but I can’t help what happened to me.

sorry you went through it but happy your friendship survived. I’m not sure we will ever go back to normal the husbands probably will but I’m not sure how I can move forwards from this maybe I will feel better further down the line x

I was the friend whose pregnancy continue whilst my best friend lost her baby and I felt soooo guilty!
I tried to be respectful as I possibly could - but have also experienced a loss before so knew what this felt like.

I am so sorry your friend isn't being more compassionate towards you, I don't blame you for how you are feeling and I wouldn't blame you for taking a step back if she's not respecting your boundaries!

I had this in the reverse, my friend was the one going through IVF and miscarried. It still hurts that it ended the friendship, I tried to be sensitive and give her as much time as she needed but she couldn't cope with me or mh baby. Tbh, it's 20 years ago now but it still hurts me, as I felt blamed for something that was out of my control. My only advice is to do what you need to for you, but please be mindful of her feelings too.

@pinkunicorns54 it’s all so hard.

Thanks for sharing from the other point of view, I wonder if I’m expecting too much from her by expecting her to not talk about it all the time? I have asked if we can talk about other things but that was a few weeks ago now so she’s started talking about it all more and more and comparing my fertility appointments to her mid wife appointments which doesn’t help either.

I understand it’s a big part of her life.

sorry you had a loss too x

You are not being horrible. Yes, you need to separate her pregnancy from yours in your head. It is a bagfage that is weighing heavy on you.
Are you going to try again? Do you have more cycles or embrios left?

I am feeling angry myself to her still smoking and eating rare steak. Just, why? I hate it!

I wish you the best. Just calm, there is nothing you can do now but to get yourself in a good place for another pregnancy. Or, if things do not pan out for you, to adopt. There is always that.

@MushMonster i agree I need to seperate it I just don’t know how.

yes we are going to try again, we have two more embryos frozen. I just need to get past the fear of what happened and my cervix is still healing from the surgery to remove the baby so fertility consultant is hoping we can do another embryo transfer in June/july.

thank you I am not one to be defeated, I just wish things were different.

i will definitely try again but it is scary after being in ICU x

@MushMonster and you are so right it really is weighing me down, I wish I didn’t feel like this x

@MushMonster i know, the smoking and rare steak is infuriating, she apparently had a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel for lunch today. I know I shouldn’t be angry about her food choices but it is infuriating x

@LetMeGoogleThat sorry you lost your friendship.

i keep trying with her which is hard, if I didn’t care I would of just cut her off which would of been so much easier, I’m really trying to find a way to work through it, my counsellor specialises in fertility and miscarriage and she says it’s an incredibly difficult situation because of the timing of the pregnancies, I really don’t want to feel like this it’s so hard.

i make sure I don’t talk about miscarriage or baby loss to her as I know that would be scary to a pregnant person I just wish she would make the same considerations towards me.

did you both ever talk about it all? Thank you for sharing your story with me it’s appreciated also being from the other perspective x

OP you need to walk away from her. She's not being sensitive to your situation at all - from your first couple of posts I didn't actually think she knew about your miscarriage!
Only thing I would say is colouring hair during pregnancy isn't something to get annoyed about, it is safe to do. Fair enough if it's something you wouldn't choose to do but there's nothing wrong with her doing so. The smoked salmon is a fairly new restriction as well, if this is her fourth pregnancy she may not be aware that it's no longer 'safe'.
For your mental health please limit contact with her.

The three people you’re dealing with here appear to have the emotional intelligence of a lump of dirt.
why on earth she’s complaining to you, and being disinterest in the health of the pregnancy in front of you, or why her husband keeps reminding you I’ve got no idea
and why your husband seems completely clueless as to how you feel and is prioritising the friendship - despite how insensitive they’re being - I’ve also no idea
Are they all incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish? It must be one of those options.

obviously her pregnancy has and had no bearing on yours, and you know that logically, but the comparison hurts and that’s normal. Give yourself time, and tell your dp where he can shove his opinions.
fwiw I see my husbands best friends wife about twice a year, and I could avoid that if I wanted to quite easily. There’s no reason you need to spend that much time with them.

I do think you need to take focus on her food choices, most of the diet advice is very over cautious. Most women I know didn’t follow the NHS guidelines that closely. Obv smoking is a different thing as proven to be risky.

@mummyh2016 yes she’s known about it since the day of my 12 week scan. I’ve really really tried with her but it’s making me so miserable and I know it’s not right my moaning about her food choices I think I was just so cautious as it was an IVF pregnancy and the smoking really winds me up, I would of done anything in the world to make sure my baby was healthy.

i think it’s all making it harder for me to move forwards as it’s the constant reminder of what I should of had and our baby was tested and had no abnormalities which makes me sad x

@Pumpkindoodles its been really hard hearing about her complain about the hormones. We have mutual friends and apparently she doesn’t talk to them about it so not sure why she feels the need to mention it to me.

tbh they all seem completely clueless despite me telling them how I feel, my counsellor suggested I tell them my feelings which I did in a really nice way and just said I’m finding it difficult to hear about and they haven’t respected my boundaries at all. I keep trying to keep the friendship going but it’s so hard.

my husband only speaks to her husband once or twice a week so I’m not sure why I’m expected to answer her calls multiple times a day, I just need space x

Not at all, I didn't talk about my pregnancy with this friend unless she asked. She is my very best friend and I was scared that the dynamic would me we wouldn't be close anymore.

But hopefully some positivity... she did fall pregnant and there is a 9 month age gap between my toddler and her baby... I hope it is the same for you ❤️

We did talk about it, but for her it was very hard to verbalise how she was feeling, which I completely understand. She choose to phase me out, but I wish she had been more honest and said as so as so much was left unsaid. Unfortunately, the baby will become an annual trigger point with birthdays etc. Maybe just give yourself some time and just take a breather. You need to look after you right now tho 💐

Pumpkindoodles · Today 18:03
The three people you’re dealing with here appear to have the emotional intelligence of a lump of dirt.
why on earth she’s complaining to you, and being disinterest in the health of the pregnancy in front of you, or why her husband keeps reminding you I’ve got no idea
and why your husband seems completely clueless as to how you feel and is prioritising the friendship - despite how insensitive they’re being - I’ve also no idea
Are they all incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish? It must be one of those options.

obviously her pregnancy has and had no bearing on yours, and you know that logically, but the comparison hurts and that’s normal. Give yourself time, and tell your dp where he can shove his opinions.
fwiw I see my husbands best friends wife about twice a year, and I could avoid that if I wanted to quite easily. There’s no reason you need to spend that much time with them.

This ^

Time to put your foot down op, send a message along the lines of;

I am happy your pregnancy is going well, but please understand as l have had such a horrible time l need time and space to heal, if you are unable to refrain from talking about pregnancy and babies l need to have some space from you whilst l recover, there are no hard feelings and hopefully over time things will return in our friendship, however this is not negotiable for me currently as l am sure you can understand.

Consider showing your DH this thread as he REALLY needs to put your feelings above his ( idiot ) friend.

@Francescarae IVF is hard and shit tbh. Yes it’s amazing when you have a baby to hold at the end but the to get there is gruelling.
Loosing a baby, esp in such dramatic circumstances is probably even harder (if you can compare such things, which I’m not sure you can)

What I’m trying to say is that you’ve had a hell of a time.
And just now I think you need support.
Your IVF clinic probably has a counsellor attached to it. Could you go and see them to talk about the ivf, the miscarriage etc?

I think your friend and her dh are hugely insensitive.
They are managing to say about every singe thing that can be an obvious trigger for you.
But some if the stuff like feeling ‘why such an easy pg when I didn’t have mine? Why when she is so careless’ etc… is more about you and the grief you are currently experiencing. Specialist counselling would probably be very helpful. The women I know who have done it fir similar circumstances have all found it very helpful

Sorry, I missed you are already seeing a counsellor!

@squirrelnutkin10 thank you.

thats a good idea i might show him the thread but make sure I haven’t said anything mean! X