My friend and I were both pregnant I miscarried

[Francescarae]

My friend and I were both pregnant at the same time, I had a traumatic missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and ended up in ICU she was only 5 weeks behind me and I’m really struggling with our friendship, I would of now been 30 weeks and i can’t bear the thought of even seeing her as it’s a constant reminder of what should of been for me, ours was also an IVF pregnancy and I did everything right, I was so healthy, I can’t even speak to her on the phone as I can hear her smoking and it makes me so angry, how can she have a healthy pregnancy when she smokes and eats all the wrong food and I did everything perfectly for my baby.

i don’t feel like I can talk about my pregnancy loss to her and I don’t want to hear about her pregnancy, when I do speak to her she moans about how sick she feels or how bad her hormones are and I would do anything in the world to feel like that, she has no idea how lucky she is, it’s her 4th child and she acts like “it’s just another child” she even ate rare steak, I know I shouldn’t be angry about this but I am, I did everything I possibly could for my baby.

what makes it harder is she calls me every day and I don’t answer it. Our husbands are best friends and have been for a very long time so I can’t just cut her off (which would be easier) I feel like such a bad person but I can’t even speak to her without thinking that’s where I should of been, it would of been me. I feel okay day to day if I don’t speak to her but as soon as I do I feel really low.

our other friend has a baby who I don’t mind spending time with, it’s literally that her pregnancy reminds me of mine and all the trauma and it’s really hard, my husband is now pressuring me to speak to her and it’s putting a strain on our relationship and I really don’t know how to move past this, how on earth will I meet the baby, this has all made my miscarriage so much harder.

i feel so guilty about how i feel, even my husband says I’m being horrible. I feel so awkward, I’ve been doing counselling but it hasn’t helped.

any advice at all would be hugely appreciated xx

@LakeSnake the whole IVF experience has been emotionally draining and stressful and then having a stressful pregnancy (had a suncronic hematoma at 7 weeks) and then the miscarriage at 12 weeks and then surgery complications sending me to ICU for 4 days, I’ve had a lot to emotionally overcome.

i will keep going the counselling but I’m really not sure how much good it’s doing, she is through our IVF clinic and is really lovely but I’m not sure it’s helping.

and yes I completely see that the feelings towards the carelessness are more to do with my grief that does make sense. It’s all such a rubbish situation to be in, maybe I will feel differently when we try again x

All the best for when you’re ready for your transfer. Our rainbow came along just when I thought nothing would work — hopefully there’ll be some good luck for you too x

@SagittariusUprising thank you so much, really appreciated. I really do hope we get there, I know I have to try and remain positive , it’s so lovely you got your rainbow x

It's so so tough and your feelings are totally valid.

It's normal for you to be thinking 'this should have been me' every step of the way.

Your husband shouldn't be pushing you to speak to her. Distancing yourself from your friend is very healthy for you at this time. I was in somewhat similar situation, luckily wasn't close to the person and could avoid her completely, otherwise it would've been terrible.

I am so sorry 🌷

I just read more of your updates and your friend's husband's comment is just horrific.. and the said friend sounds so insensitive telling you to 'move on' - both of them appear to be really selfish from all you've said and you might be better off without people like them. You've been through a lot and need a lot of support but are being treated like some sort of villain instead by everyone, sadly including your husband too.

I hope you'll find your tribe of supportive people and hold your rainbow baby one day 🤞🏼 ❤️ 🌈

A good friend of mine and I were pregnant at the same time, due within a month of each other. I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and a D&C.

It was a little harsh for me to process but I have to say my friend was very sensitive realising that I'd probably find it a bit difficult to see her pregnancy progressing and said she'd understand if I wanted to take a step back from the friendship but I actually coped ok. I think it did help a lot though that my friend was tactful about it all!

As it turned out I became pregnant again and had my DD less than a year after hers. They're brilliant friends now and in the same school year.

Bloody hell those people honestly never heard of empathy or common sense!

@Newpancake92 I actually just ready back this whole thread and by reading it I can see they they have been really insensitive, I’ve been worrying this whole time that I’m being unreasonable for feeling the way that I do but in actual fact I think a lot of their comments have made me feel a lot worse, if she calls tomorrow I’m not going to answer I’ve realised that I need to put myself first. Her husbands comments were really deeply upsetting and I’ve spoken to my counsellor about it and she was shocked too, he also told me that a miscarriage isn’t actually like a baby.

I tried to speak to my husband this evening about it all but he wasn’t really paying attention so I gave up, he hasn’t had a good day at work so will try again tomorrow as there isn’t any point while he’s stressed.

thank you, my sister in law is amazingly supportive and listens to me every day which is really nice ( I do feel bad sometimes but she always listens) I really hope we get to our rainbow baby, I keep reminding myself the only thing stronger than hear is hope.

x

@Newpancake92 no clearly not x

No, were acquaintances but that is that

@GoneIsAnotherSummersDay sorry you had a loss, that’s nice that your friend took your feelings into consideration.

and lovely to hear that your children are friends.

My SIL and I were pregnant at the same time twice. The first time we both had MMCs. The second time I had another MMC and she went on to have my precious nephew.

It was HARD to see her going through pregnancy when I should have been too and I still look at my nephew sometimes and wonder what my baby would have looked like.

Fortunately my SIL is a lovely and sensitive person unlike your friend!

Just wanted to say, you're not alone and I really hope you get your miracle soon.

We went on to have another miscarriage (IVF) but finally I'm now 37 weeks with our rainbow.

@TheBirdintheCave that must of been so so hard for you. Nice that she was supportive though.

that literally just brought tears to my eyes that you got your rainbow after IVF and such a bad time, I’m so happy for you. It’s such a hard journey.

i really hope I get there too, how long did you wait between your MMC and trying again? X

Focus 100% on yourself.
In being calm and getting ready for another go.
Her husband sounds insensitive and clueless, to be honest.
Surely your DH can see that.

@Francescarae We always tried as soon as possible as it takes us a long time to get pregnant. March 2022 was my first MMC then Dec 2022 for the second. The IVF loss was in July 2023 and by some miracle this baby was a natural conception in August 2023.

@TheBirdintheCave oh wow, your rainbow was a natural conception thats amazing.

we were going to try naturally while we wait for another embryo transfer but I’ve got a blood clot on my cervix so can’t do anything until it’s gone frustratingly, apparently it should just go in a couple of months. We have unexplained infertility x

@Francescarae Our miscarriages were unexplained too. The clinic just said 'Probably just bad luck!'

I'm sorry you've got a blood clot, I can imagine the frustration of waiting. I was high risk for OHS so couldn't have a fresh transfer and (due to how appointments fell) had to wait three months before I could have my frozen one.

More waiting is just the worst thing when you already feel like you've lost so much time.

@TheBirdintheCave the waiting is so hard. I had to wait too as was at high risk of OHSS so had to wait 8 weeks to then do an embryo transfer.

the consultant thinks it will take a couple of months for the blood clot to go, it’s very annoying but maybe in a way it’s good to have the time to emotionally heal, or maybe the waiting makes it all feel harder I’m not sure x

It's so so difficult.

I had the same thing, we were both pregnant at the same time, I miscarried and then was made sterile by accident during the surgery.

It ruined our friendship, as it was too raw for a long time.

Whatever you decide, it's right for you and it's no-one else's place to judge.