Am I in denial? No heartbeat

[Pancakesandbutter]

Hello. I am 8.5 weeks pregnant. We know the date we conceived so even taking 5 days off for sperm surviving, I would be 8 weeks.

Went for a private early scan 2 weeks ago, could see gest sac, fetal pole and yolk sac. No heartbeat and told to come back 1 week later. CRL 2.1MM

1 week later, same as above but CRL 3.4MM. No heartbeat.

1 week later, same again but CRL 4.2MM. No heartbeat.

I thought she may be wrong so I booked a different place the following day. I was told CRL 3.8MM, gest sac 1.86CM and no heartbeat and to attend early pregnancy.

Both places scanned me internally.

But I still feel pregnant, haven't bled and just don't believe them. Am I in denial? I don't want to phone early pregnancy. I feel like I want to wait until 12 week scan which is in 3 weeks and hope for the best. Please help. Any advice at all please, I would be so greatful. Thank you

@Pancakesandbutter That sounds like a terrible experience, and I feel really sad (and angry!) for you that you've had what was already a really distressing time made worse. It's probably not uppermost in your mind right now, but I would consider sending in a complaint to the hospital's PALS team - they're only going to improve if they are told when someone has had a bad experience. I hope you finally get the help you need this week and can start to move forward.

There is another post on this forum from yesterday about a good experience of medical management - may be worth a read.

@Pancakesandbutter are you all right? I've been thinking of you so much.

Hello. That's really kind of you thank you. I'm ok, I think.

I had the 1st oral tablet on Wednesday, then was due in hospital on Friday for 2 pessaries, but started miscarrying at home 2 hours before. It's been pretty rough over the weekend. I was not expecting the level of crying my eyes out pain, the amount of blood, the size of the clots etc. It seems to have settled today so hopefully I'm over the worst. Partner phoned the hospital (bless him, he's been amazing) and they just said to take a pregnancy test in 2 weeks and phone back if it is still positive.

It's just such been an awful time the last 4-5 weeks that I can't wait to get back to normality. I'm happy it happened at home too, I wasn't looking forward to doing it into a cardboard bed pan.

How are you? ❤

Darling, I'm fine.
Are you sure the miscarriage is complete? Look out for the bleeding and pain ramping up again.
And did you have to endure another scan?

Hey. I just came across this thread and read all the way through... I'm so sorry! I'm glad you could finally pass the pregnancy at home.

I just wanted to say, do go back if you keep having cramps, or if your pregnancy tests don't go negative soon. Hopefully for you everything is fine, but I had a really bad experience with medical management of a MMC last year (8+0, discovered at 10+5) which wasn't complete. Multiple rounds of the medication, stuff stuck in my cervix they had to manually remove, pregnancy tests staying faaaaaintly positive seemingly forever, until they FINALLY booked me for surgical management after 7 (!!) weeks. I wished I had insisted on surgical from the get go (I wanted surgical but was told I couldn't, or only in like 2 weeks), or been more assertive earlier rather than letting them tell me "well test again in a week and report back".

(On a more positive note - as my post is kind of a downer - I fell pregnant again 3 months after the surgical management, and everything has been going well with that pregnancy. Currently 4 days past due date.)

Good luck! Not long now
I also got pregnant 3 months after surgical management.

Hi everyone. I hope you're all doing OK ❤

I think I'm on the right track. The bleeding has almost stopped today and pain has gone from a 9 to a 2! Just a couple of wee niggles here and there. I will keep on top of it though. If it comes back after settling so much, I'll phone in.

@Lialii your experience sounds awful too. I'm sorry you went through that.

But

Congrats on you both falling pregnant after 3 months @Lialii and @TheShellBeach 😁 there does seem to be alot of light at the end of these tunnels from what I have read. It's lovely to hear x

I unfortunately don't feel I could go through this again any time soon. I hate that I feel that way and have been put off trying again when I'm able to :( partner understands but feel awful about it as he was absolutely over the moon, as was I, but there were points I thought I was loosing my mind (convinced everyone was wrong or lying to me and that only me and the baby knew everything was OK) also, couldn't understand how my partner was believing the widwifes and sonographers he had just met, over me who he'd known for years. It's horrible looking back at those feelings.

@Pancakesandbutter There is no rush. Take the time to recover and heal. Glad you are doing better 😊

Pancakes, you must take all the time you need emotionally. Every woman is different. There are no rights or wrongs.

Hi @Pancakesandbutter how are you doing? Hope the medical has worked okay for you? And how are you doing in yourself?

Just wanted to let you know I've just had my first period (almost 6 weeks on from the scan itself and medical management starting the day after) so seems my cycle is returning. Feeling relief and hoping this is the end of it now and looking to the future. Think it's important to share positive updates during this hard time so hope that is a help. I would say I had to go back for a scan as was positive on a test but I was 11 weeks pregnant so was hormones. I think actually that scan and being told everything had gone has helped me mentally.

Sending lots of positive things your way

Hey @Claudiasaz ...

I feel like a broken record.

I had a scan on Friday as the pain came back. The pregnancy sac is still there. I couldn't beleive . The amount I passed, yet the sac is still in there.

I only had the first tablet. The one you take 2 days before the pessaries. I started miscarrying before the 2nd appt. My partner phoned them and they told me to stay at home. When I phoned back to say the pain had returned, they were annoyed I hadn't been asked to describe what I'd passed before telling me not to go in.

So now I'm having the surgical on Tuesday.

I can't beleive we're no further forward. I couldn't even come on here and explain because I'm just so over the whole thing. It has really taken it out of me this week. I don't feel angry, I'm not crying, I just feel so deflated. I think that's the right word. They kept apologising again and I couldn't even react. I was just saying ok, what's the next step :(

Again, I really appreciate you asking and I appreciate your positive update. I'm happy you seem to be getting there and these messages help me see I will be at that point one day soon 🥰

Oh, Pancakes. What an unbelievable tragedy for you and your husband.
That is just awful.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you, although not surprised, because I know of countless women who believed their miscarriage was complete, only to find that it wasn't. One woman thought she had miscarried (and went through days and days of severe pain, clots, and bleeding) and then, several days later, she started bleeding really badly again and ended up in A & E, where she was told that the baby was still inside her - she had to have an emergency ERPC and blood transfusion.

But for you, this has taken a terribly long time, and has been so emotionally destructive for you both. You'd think, after all the scans they put you through, that they could have done one when you thought you'd miscarried on Friday 7th. this month. I mean, that's nine days ago...........and you're still pregnant.

I am horrified that this thread started on 17th September, and that you've known since 3rd September that your baby had died - and yet, all these weeks later, you're still effectively in limbo and, of course, unbearable distress.

Six weeks since you were first told that the pregnancy was over, and you're still pregnant.

I hope, when you finally have the surgical management and you recover from the trauma you've been through, that you complain to the hospital who have put you through this dreadful experience.

Oh no! You have been so unlucky with how difficult this whole process keeps being. I truly hope next week brings the closure. 🤞🏼❤️‍🩹

@TheShellBeach Do you know, I've wanted to write down exactly what's happened, dates etc. I wanted to look back when I started this thread but didn't want to see what I'd written. You have just put everything into the exact words that I couldn't scramble together. I am so so thankful for that thank you so much!!! When I feel like I can, I will use what you've written and add to it and I WILL be telling someone. I feel like I don't want to get anyone into trouble, but even if it helps something to change and can maybe stop another woman going through this, it'll be worth it.

I've been so torn between is this normal and I'm over reacting and this is fucking ridiculous. More than a few people have told me it's not right.

I hope so too @Olika thank you ❤

Pancakes, if what I wrote has been helpful in terms of your complaint to the powers that be, I am really glad.

I actually looked back because I knew you'd started this thread some weeks ago, and I was horrified when I got my calendar out and figured out the timeline.

I had had a nasty feeling that your miscarriage was incomplete after the first tablets - it seemed to me to be over too quickly - and that's a big reason why I don't advocate women choosing medical management - how are they supposed to know if the miscarriage is complete? Women can (and do) lose massive clots, large amounts of blood, and believe it's over with - yet it isn't.

I lost my first baby at 14 weeks. After a week of mild bleeding at home, I went to hospital because the pain was ramping up. This was during an evening so I was admitted to a ward and told I'd be scanned the next day.

Well, I bled like a stuck pig that night - enormous clots came out - I was horrified. And the pain was abominable. I had to beg for pain relief (and that's another reason I'm opposed to medical management). I was sure I'd miscarried.

Anyway, when I was scanned the next day - the pregnancy was still there (with a dead baby). I had surgical management that afternoon, followed by a blood transfusion.

I don't think many people understand how terrible miscarriages can be.

Please, please do complain about what happened to you. Everything about your care was atrociously mismanaged and nobody should have to go through that.

Indeed, it isn't even over for you YET. You still have the surgery to endure.

I've been so torn between is this normal and I'm over reacting and this is fucking ridiculous

This is NOT normal! You are NOT over-reacting.

You have every right to react as strongly as you have - it most certainly is fucking ridiculous.

@Pancakesandbutter so sorry. Hopefully going in for the surgery will be the end of it all physically for you. I agree with the others you have been treated terribly and so unfair to put you through it all.

Good luck for next week x

@Pancakesandbutter This is really awful and I'm so sorry you are having to go through it - miscarriage is traumatic enough without it being so drawn out and not being able to tell if it's over. I really hope your surgical management goes smoothly tomorrow and you can draw a line under the physical process. I totally agree that you should complain to the hospital once this is over - you deserve better care and so do other women who will go through the same loss, so it's a chance for the hospital to understand where things have gone wrong and hopefully do better in the future.

How are you, Pancakes?

I'm assuming you've had the surgery now. I hope you're as okay as possible, in the circumstances. You've had such a rough time of it.

Hey everyone. Sorry I've not been on. I had the surgical on Tuesday. I think it has went well. Very very light bleeding and just a wee twinge here and there. Nothing like what it was. Its nice to sneeze and not be in agony 🙈

I thought once it was done I would just go back to normal and have felt so down the last few days. I do feel better today. I think it's just been alot and Tuesday felt so final. The discharge letter had one sentence on it and I couldn't stop crying at that. I know that's ridiculous, it was just like, is that all the baby and the last 6-7 weeks has been worth, one line. So based on that, I think maybe my hormones are jumping about. I'm pretty sure a full story wouldn't have made me feel any better.

Hope you're all doing OK. I'm sitting in the hairdressers today. Trying to give myself a wee boost. Work have been fab and no pressure to go back so I'm off until at least Wednesday, if I need more time, I can take it. I think getting back into routine will help though.

Crazy how long this went on. Cannot express enough how appreciative I am of everyone on here. You have all been so kind 💛 x

@Pancakesandbutter Glad to hear that your surgery went well, fingers crossed that your physical recovery is quick too. The first 2-3 days afterwards are rough, there is a really big hormone crash which I was warned about before my surgery but couldn't prepare for how bad it felt when it came - I felt alright the day after the surgery and then the day after that it was like being hit by a train. So there's nothing wrong with feeling really upset and just needing to get some tears out of your system. Take things easy for a few days and I hope things start to feel more positive for you soon.

Wishing you all the best with the recovery. I remember having the same feeling of it feeling so final when being discharged after my medical management. I was not only grieving for my lost baby, but also for everything I thought my future was going to be in those next few months. Don’t rush back to work, I wish I had taken more time off in hindsight. Reading other people’s stories on mumsnet really helped me while I was recovering. When I found out at the scan, I felt so isolated as I didn’t know anyone who had been though a miscarriage but after reading here, I realised just how unfortunately common it is. Things will get better with time, you have to just let yourself grieve.

I am so glad to hear it's finally finalised. It was unnecessarily long process but the physical part is over now. There will be some occasions/things happening that might bring sorrow and pain back but with time hopefully it becomes just a part of your journey. I was fine with my miscarriage until we managed to have a healthy baby and I was holding her on my arms when my relative said to me 'finally she is here' and that brought back the pain knowing we would have two if we hadn't lost the first one. But I just got over from that and haven't felt that pain of loss since then as life is what it is and we just have to get on with it. ❤️‍🩹

Dear @Pancakesandbutter you've been through so much. It's just been awful for you. I'm glad the surgery went well, and I think that anaesthetics cause depression anyway, never mind the feeling of loss that your baby has died.

It's no wonder you're feeling down. It was a good idea to get your hair done - just a little thing to pamper yourself a bit.

You'll get there. You've had a terrible ordeal. Take time to recover emotionally. If you need more time off work, just take it.

When you're ready, and if you still want to, please complain to the hospital about your treatment and lack of care.

I'm hoping to see a post from you at some point in the future saying you're pregnant again. You may not think you want to at the moment but I found that getting pregnant improved my psychological condition. Of course it must be your choice.

Sending you lots of love and sympathy.