Am I in denial? No heartbeat

[Pancakesandbutter]

Hello. I am 8.5 weeks pregnant. We know the date we conceived so even taking 5 days off for sperm surviving, I would be 8 weeks.

Went for a private early scan 2 weeks ago, could see gest sac, fetal pole and yolk sac. No heartbeat and told to come back 1 week later. CRL 2.1MM

1 week later, same as above but CRL 3.4MM. No heartbeat.

1 week later, same again but CRL 4.2MM. No heartbeat.

I thought she may be wrong so I booked a different place the following day. I was told CRL 3.8MM, gest sac 1.86CM and no heartbeat and to attend early pregnancy.

Both places scanned me internally.

But I still feel pregnant, haven't bled and just don't believe them. Am I in denial? I don't want to phone early pregnancy. I feel like I want to wait until 12 week scan which is in 3 weeks and hope for the best. Please help. Any advice at all please, I would be so greatful. Thank you

Sorry you had to go through that. Do you kind me asking if you passed naturally or did you need to to into hospital? I hope you're ok ❤️

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting it to be over - it's a horrible experience and it's hard to see the way back to normality while you're in the "in between" stage. One of the things I'm trying to do is plan some nice things for next month, so that I've got some things in the diary to look forward to once it's over - my husband has booked us a weekend at a nice hotel at the end of October so I feel like I've got something to work towards and hopefully something fun and relaxing that will act as a marker between "before" and "after".

I have a lot of friends who have had miscarriages so maybe in that sense I'm "lucky" that people have talked about it - but even that doesn't prepare you for when it happens to you. I wasn't naive going into it, and always knew it was a risk, but even then I don't think I believed it would happen to me. Even when I went for my scan and my gut was telling me it was over, I still had the hope, just like you did, that maybe I would be told something different.

@Pancakesandbutter thanks 😊 I didn’t pass naturally so they offered me medical management. Not going to lie, it really wasn’t a pleasant process as I had retained products after so the bleeding was heavy for a few weeks after. I know some people said they had better experiences with surgical management but that wasn’t offered to me. I am doing better now, actually 8 weeks pregnant. Conceived 3 months after MMC.

Hi @Pancakesandbutter hope you are okay. Came across this tonight. I was pregnant with my third child, had morning sickness, even a bump and had no heartbeat at my 12 wk scan. This happened at the start of this month. I was heartbroken, still am but managing better now so I wanted to check how you are and here for a chat as literally just going through it. Hugs to you

Hey. Thank you for your message and I am so so sorry for your loss.

To be honest, it's been the worst week. My 2nd scan is tomorrow and I've just convinced myself all week they are wrong. I've not shown any signs of anything being wrong yet and that's really hard. I've had 5 scans, all showing missed miscarriage but just can't believe it while I still feel pregnant.

Can I ask what happened after your scan? Again, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Finding out early is tough, can't imagine being 12 weeks in. Absolutely heartbreaking x

I understand. I think it's very hard to accept when you look and feel pregnant. My baby was measuring at a size where there would definitely be a heartbeat and two sonographers confirmed they were gone. They kindly let me keep a pic and you can clearly see baby is not alive so this all made the acceptance part easier for me, as I just couldn't understand how my body could not know. I'd never heard of a missed miscarriage until it happened to me and I've had two children with no issues during my pregnancies.

Have they said anything to you about measurements etc?

I went in for the vaginal pessary medical management the following day as I just found it too hard to wait for my body to realise and I have had c sections so didn't want to risk the surgery option as I would hope to be able to try again in the future. I then passed my baby at home over the next few days. I'm now waiting to test and hoping for a negative result this week so I can close this part of the chapter. If you want any detail on the process happy to share more.

I hope your scan gives you what you need tomorrow and here if you need to chat x

@Pancakesandbutter hope you are okay?

How are things now, OP?

Hello. Sorry I've not been back on. I had the scan and it wasn't very nice. She asked if I wanted to see it and have her explain everything. The sac was all collapsed in and there were dark areas around it that she said was blood. @Claudiasaz I wouldn't have asked to see it if it wasn't for your message saying it helped you beleive it so thank you.

Baby looked like a perfectly shaped peanut. That did make me smile.

I've to go in on Friday for a tablet then back on the ward on Sunday for another 2 and should pass it then. The surgical was over a week wait. I just can't feel pregnant for that long so I'm hoping the medical works OK.

I just couldn't believe I had STILL convinced myself it was going to be ok. The sonographer/midwife was amazing though. Can't praise her enough for how kind she was and seemed in no rush. Just wanted to make sure I was OK and understood everything.

What a whirlwind of a month this has been.

Again, thank you so much to everyone who replied on here. The comments, personal stories, advice, checking in on me, has been unreal and I am so greatful. Thank you ❤

I'm worried about work. I haven't been in for over a week and I don't feel I can go back until this is over. Should I just phone and tell them that? I'm NHS so anything pregnancy related doesn't count as absence, but somehow feel i'll be judged for being off for a miscarriage (my partner is adamant this is not the case) but again, hormones and head is all over the place.

Hi @Pancakesandbutter I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm glad seeing the scan helped , I know it's not for everyone but you sounded in a similar position to myself where the symptoms were just too strong to believe it.

I was very honest with my work and they were very understanding. I took a week off to physically recover but I would say I am very much still going through the mental side and that's okay.

I did manage to get some counselling sessions through a local baby loss charity and I would highly recommend something like that if you're able to as having a safe space to talk through my feelings and worries has really helped me.

Good luck with the medical management. And if you need anything just message any time x

@Pancakesandbutter So sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up about having that belief that it would be okay - I think all of us who have experienced miscarriage probably had the hope that we would be told something different. It's natural to want to believe there's been some sort of mistake and it can't really be happening. I had my surgical management last Friday and it still doesn't feel real. I hope the medical management goes okay.

I would definitely encourage you to tell your work what's going on, even if you just tell a small number of people - most people will be overwhelmingly supportive and will understand why you aren't ready to come back yet. Make sure you tell your HR department so they can record it as pregnancy-related sickness. The hospital should also be able to get a fit note signed for you.

Sending you lots of love and support, take care of yourself x

Hi OP.
I believe that you should tell your work about this.
Medical management sometimes takes a long time, so it could be a while before you're fit for work again.
Be good to yourself and don't feel guilty about taking time off. Your baby has died and it's a tragic time that you need to come to terms with

I would suggest to tell your work. I couldn't go to work for some time during/after my mc and I wasn't thinking of how other people at work see it. Even if they think badly who cares. Good luck! ❤️‍🩹

@CluelessInLondon wow only Friday. Sorry for your loss too. Hope you're doing ok x

@Pancakesandbutter So sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t go back to work until you are ready. I went back after a week and it was really hard emotionally, I think I should have taken more time off.

@TheShellBeach you were all right. I called my work and they couldn't have been nicer 😊 thank you for the advice

@Olika I wouldn't usually be that bothered but everything seems such bigger than it is to deal with just now, and you're right, I shouldn't care. I don't why it's hard to admit how bad I feel in real life, but I just told my manager everything and she was so understanding. I hope you're ok

@Claudiasaz I will defo have a look at charities. It's done me the world of good just coming on here so I think that would help too. Hope you're as ok as you can be today ❤

@KatieJ345 yeh I think you're right. I will just go back when I'm ready. I hope you're ok x

@CluelessInLondon so sorry for your loss and I know I'm one to talk, but take the time to look after yourself and don't feel you need to rush how you feel. Look at all these wonderful messages from these wonderful women all saying the same thing :)

How are you, @Pancakesandbutter?

Was thinking the same today! Hope you're okay @Pancakesandbutter

Hey @TheShellBeach and @Claudiasaz I hope you're both OK?

Thank you for asking but it's been a bit of a shit show. Hospital cancelled the medical as they were too busy, then told me I could have the surgical this week. I then got a call to say there are no appts anywhere for the surgical and they have booked me back in for the medical.

During this, I got a call asking me to attend for another scan. When I asked why? She said, "we just can never be too sure so we want to make sure". Cue the head fuck after being told under no uncertain circumstances the baby didn't make it. Also, I kept convincing myself they were wrong and this did NOT help.

My DP answered another call after this to say I won't be going for another scan as that would be my 7th - 5 private and 2 NHS. All scans had no good news and I couldn't face another. All scans internal so I just couldn't go through another. Well this caller decided to tell him the reason for the 3rd scan was, "the wee baby had grown between the 1st and 2nd scan with NHS. I heard this. Cue the major head fuck. He explained we were shown the sac collapsed in, the dark areas in uterus that were blood, the absence of any heartbeat at any scan etc. etc. She then said the pregnancy is not viable, but had went from 2.6mm to 3.2mm (at 11 weeks) so their process is to scan again. She apologised and asked if we wanted to complain. We don't want to complain. I just think telling someone who's having a MMC, that there's even a glimmer of hope, is awful, never mind the, "this wee baby has grown".

So the new plan is to go in tomorrow and Friday for the medical and hopefully I can get this all sorted. It's been going on for weeks! I have started to have some very light bleeding but nothing comes of it and it's only been there 3 times when I wipe.

My head is a bit of a mess but I am getting there, wherever there is.

Again, I really appreciate you asking. There's something really comforting in telling this to people I know will understand. The people I have around me are amazing. But this thread has been special and really helped 🥰

I am so sorry to hear of all this mess by your hospital. ❤️‍🩹 i hope tomorrow will being some progress and you can start recovering.

Thank you. I hope so too x

Hi @Pancakesandbutter I'm so sorry that's truly awful. I'm glad you are finally booked in. Sending hugs.

I know there is mixed feedback with medical management. I had it 4 weeks ago and have had a scan yesterday to check my uterus as I still had a positive test and pleased to say the medical management has worked. This has worked wonders for me mentally as I can close that part of this now. I share this to hopefully give you some positive news that it does get better.

I found with medical management going for walks and keeping hips open when resting helped me to "pass" everything. Again sharing this in the hope that it's helpful.

If you need to chat just pop on here as you have lots of us who are here for you xx

@Claudiasaz I am so happy the medical worked well for you. And yes, your message has helped. I'll hopefully be back writing the same or similar 🙂

Interesting that you say about keeping your hips open and walks. All through this I haven't even had a spot of blood. The day I went a walk, came back and done a 10 minute yoga video, is the day I had my first bleed. May just be coincidence but I did think it had done something.

Did they say why you're still testing positive? Assuming it just takes time for the hormone levels to go back down? It's such a roller coaster x

I hope so for you too!

I definitely think keeping on the move helps to move things along but equally take it easy as it is a lot to deal with.

With my test they said it just takes time for the hormones sometimes as it was my 12 week scan I guess they had built up a lot. She was happy my uterus is normal so that's good.

I definitely feel better now I'm not in limbo stage. So it will get better I promise x

Hi @Pancakesandbutter I can't believe how they've messed you about like this - it's so cruel and unhelpful. Maybe in a few weeks or months you might like to bring this to the attention of the powers-that-be at the hospital.

Anyway - so you're no further on. Just still in limbo. I remember that feeling of helplessness and despair and sadness like it was yesterday - and I am have adult children now, so my miscarriages were a long time ago.

I chose to have surgical management - indeed, that is all that was on offer years ago. It was always done the same day I went to hospital, after I'd gone to A and E with bleeding and pain. I had a horrible male doctor for one of my scans and he made things a lot worse.

I know that a lot of women choose medical management now and I have no idea what I'd choose if I had the option. I have certainly read quite a lot of threads where the woman has medical management and doesn't recommend it, but equally there are many women who prefer it.

I think it depends on how far on you are as well. Early on, medical management doesn't seem to cause the heavy bleeding and pain which is experienced when the pregnancy is further advanced.

At least with surgical management, the thing is over - you're not waiting for days and days for the miscarriage to happen.

I just don't know, and I feel like I'm rambling on and on now.

I do hope the hospital get on with whatever they're supposedly offering you. It feels like you and your partner have been in tormented limbo for weeks now.