MMC at 10 weeks and family weekend

[FlapJackered]

I had a scan at 8 weeks to be told my baby was measuring behind but there was a heartbeat and at 10 weeks (yesterday) the scan has confirmed no heartbeat and the baby stopped growing last week.
I am devastated and can't stop crying.

Because it's bank holiday my GP surgery is closed and my EPU doesn't take self referrals so I have to wait until Tuesday and then I have been warned that they don't accept private scans, so I am looking at potentially another 2+ weeks before they will give me any help. I just want it all to be over now and the thought of carrying my dead baby for weeks is just horrible.

I am also staying with my parents while our house is renovated and they have the entire family over for Easter. So I can't be alone and it's so hard. All I I want to do is curl up in front of the tv and cry and I can't do that because there are people everywhere. I am trying to push down the grief to get through this weekend, I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

Has anyone got any tips for getting through this weekend? I just need to stop myself from bursting into tears in the middle of lunch etc. 🙈

I'm so sorry. Such a difficult time for you when everyone around you is going to be up beat. I would try and get out for walks as much as possible as that will help with mental health.

All the best to you for a swift response from the NHS and recovery.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, can you ring 111 as I'm pretty sure they are able to refer you to epu. If they say they don't accept private scans then could you lie and say you have awful cramps or something? Or if you've had your midwife booking in appointment they should have given you some phone numbers for emergencies too?

Hi OP I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any tips for getting through the weekend other than being kind to yourself and if you feel able to let the people you'll be spending the weekend with know what has happened so they can support. Message them in advance if you don't want to talk face to face about it and set boundaries if you need like: I just wanted to make you aware before hand as I am obviously very upset but I don't want to talk about it over weekend so please don't bring it up. Or if you would like to talk about it then you can tell them that too.
I had a MMC this time last year. Discovered during a private early scan. I was then referred by private clinic to NHS hospital. NHS hospital explained they had ti have 2 scans 10 days apart to confirm a MMC and couldn't take the private scan as scan 1. It felt torturous ti me.to have to wait longer for the next steps knowing the news wasn't going to change. I spoke to the EPU nurse about it on phone and said I felt like I was being forced to continue for longer than necessary with a pregnancy that we all knew wasn't.viable and it was shredding my mental health so could they please accept the private scan as scan 1 to help speed everything up. She said they really couldn't but what she could do was after NHS scan 1 she would book my scan 2 and whatever next option I wanted at same time so at least I didn't need to wait between scan 2 to get the option I wanted. I opted for a D and C under general anaesthetic and for me that was best and least traumatic option. Some women prefer to watch and wait and see if pregnancy will pass naturally whereas others opt for a tablet which will trigger the miscarriage and prefer to go home for it to take place. I hope the Epu will do all they can to support you through this xxx

So sorry for your loss OP
It's a horrible time

I did go away with family between a confirmed MMC and the D&C I chose to have (3 week gap) and I did find it helpful to be somewhere that wasn't my house.
It definitely depends on the people, but my sister and auntie in particular were really good. They all knew and I said in advance not to mention it but that I might and it did end up being good to talk

Some evenings we got lost in a good film, we went for some nice walks, I curled up in bed with a book when I felt like it and had quite a bit of wine

You need to do whatever is best for you and that might change by the day or hour.

Is your dp/dh with you and how is he feeling/coping? He might need different support to you, mine did

I am so, so sorry, this is an awful thing to go through. You need to put yourself first and be where you need to to feel comfortable enough to get through it.
I had a similar one last year at 10 weeks where I waited four weeks for it to happen naturally - same thing - growth stopped. I had to have weekly scans to make sure and the medical preference was for me to wait to let it happen on its own, so I did. The other options were pills or medical removal but I didn't want to be in hospital while it was happening.
We hadn't told anyone and I went between my bedroom and the bathroom for days - I honestly would not have wanted to experience it in front of anyone other than my husband and definitely not in a house with a lot of guests as it can be traumatic and you need space and privacy. Can you be at home and postpone your house work for a little while? Again, I'm really sorry you are going through this x

Thank you for all your kind words and advice.
Today has been better than expected. They all know what happened and apart from a few breakdowns on my part they have mostly not spoken about it and I have got through the day.
Except for a few thoughtless comments 'at least now you can try for a summer baby', 'what a bugger' and 'it obviously wasn't meant to be'. They have been very supportive.
I just feel so low though and I just wish I could fast forward a month.

You've done so well to get through yesterday. Those kinds of comments are so hurtful but they're also hugely symptomatic of people really not knowing how to deal with or talk about pregnancy loss. I know that knowing they're well intentioned doesn't lessen the sting though. How did today go? Just try and take each day or even each hour at a time. Allow yourself time and space to grieve and be upset

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through a very similar thing three years ago at Easter. I had a wait so I booked a holiday and 24 hours later I was in New York 😬. If you're working could you get signed off? Head off somewhere (even just a hotel an hour away) for a few days to distract you a bit?

Thanks @Bluepolkadots42 for your kind message. It's been a hard day today, I just couldn't get out of bed for most of the morning and felt very low, but felt much better this afternoon. It's such a rollercoaster.

I just feel like if I could miscarry and move on I would feel so much better. I feel pregnant and nauseous and the waiting for it to happen is really hard. I have an appointment on Tuesday with the EPU so hopefully I will be able to book in for medical management or d&c.

Thanks @Chanel05 , that's a good idea going away. I think we will try and do that but I just want to make sure I am here for the miscarriage.

@FlapJackered how are you feeling now?

I seem okay one moment end able to rationalise. And the rest inconsolable thinking why me why us again. Life is so shit and unfair.

Hope you get on okay at EPU tomorrow. Wish I was going tomo as technically they is week from my last scan. But they gave me Wednesday instead..

Literally been counting down the past 8 days as I already knows it’s failed. And waiting another 8 days I guess given me chance to see if anything natural happens.

Still nothing. I don’t think it will fits while either. And keen to just get it done with.

We’re away at the weekend for a stay local in a lodge. But may not be ideal if it happens all around then.
But all I can do is see and wait.

It’s so hard 😫 how long did it take you to fall?

Took us nearly a year and I’m just thinking how can I do this heartbreak every month of the BFNs.

Sorry op. It sucks. And feel like no one understands around me.

@FlapJackered it really is a roller coaster of emotions and I feel for you and any other woman going through this atm. It was just the absolute worst. I was like you and just wanted the MC or D and C to happen as I felt like I couldn't move forward until it had. I'm glad you had a better afternoon yday and it's good you at least don't have to wait much longer for your EPU appointment. See if they will book your 2nd scan and chosen management option at the same time to try and reduce further wait time.

Sorry to hear you're going through this too @Indianna2006. We had been trying for 8 months when I got pregnant and then had the MMC around the 8 week mark. I had a d and c and fell pregnant within 2 weeks. They say you are at your most fertile just after a pregnancy which is why at your first postnatal gp appmt they're desperate to shove you on contraception or some postnatal wards even offer women to leave with the implant on the day they're discharged. So you actually stand a good chance of falling pregnant again quickly if you feel you want to start trying again. I've got my rainbow baby asleep next to me as I type- I hope that gives you some hope.

Also just to warn both of you- your hospitals might be different to mine- but I found the ultrasound person in the EPU for the first NHS scan to be totally unempathetic. They barely spoke.to me, didn't say sorry for your loss or anything. I guess it must be because they do these scans day in andnday out and just become desensitised to it all but I found that really hard that they didn't acknowledge my upset or loss. I hope the person you get is more human but just wanted to warn you so you can prepare for if they aren't xx

@Bluepolkadots42 thanks for that. I actually found EPU to be warm and emphatic and honest. More so then an the private place.

That’s so nice to hear you fell so quickly. Awful to mc but relief to not have to do the whole ttc journey.

Ironically first time round I had the opposite. Fell pregnant first cycle. Mc at 13 weeks and then took 7 months to fall pregnant with my DD. So not sure what happened there with me!

She is now 4. So this is my second mc. But obviously I am due to have both my DC as rainbows babies.

Fingers crossed as this baby took 11 cycles. I may get lucky and have a faster conception 🤞🏼

@Indianna2006 I am feeling much the same as you. One minute I feel strong and able to deal with it all and the next minute I am a complete mess and cant cope at all.

I don't know about you but I feel so unwell too. Really nauseous, dizzy and there is this pressure in my uterus like someone is pushing against it. Really uncomfortable and weird. I really just want to get it over with now and the thought of waiting another week is horrible, I don't know how I will do it.
I hope it all goes ok on Wednesday, did you say you were booked in for medical management then?

It took me two years then ivf to get my son. And then got pregnant miraculously quickly when we tried again. There is a lot of fear that that was just luck and we will end up with years of ttc again and ivf, but I am trying not to think about it and focus on trying again.

@Bluepolkadots42 thanks, good thinking, I will ask them about booking management tomorrow.
With my first MC the sonographer was horrible, so grumpy and cruel and did not explain anything. I am actually dreading I get the same one tomorrow. She actually misdiagnosed an ectopic pregnancy and I ended up having emergency surgery which may have contributed to the miscarriage...just awful!

@FlapJackered I actually feel totally okay. Like I’ve had a few cramps on and off but nothing else has occurred. My nausea and vomiting had stopped.

No I will ask for medical management on Wednesday tho. But it’s my second scan appointment so I will be offered options as they said last week we know it’s failed. But you just have to have two before we can offer anything further. But guess it’s given me 8-10 days to see if natural progresses which clearly isn’t.

From what others have said the at home medical management they seem to be able to usually offer you to tablets the same day if you hang about. And as I’m only measuring 6 weeks I’m gonna go for that option and hope for the best.

Thinking of you today OP and hope EPU appointment goes as well as it can do x

Thanks @jackstini it was horrible but good to get it done, they have booked me in for a scan on Tuesday and d&c next Wednesday. I just want to get it over with now.

@Indianna2006 I hope it goes ok for you today and you get the medication quickly.
How are you feeling now?

I thought I was turning a bit of a corner with it but feeling very low again after the scan yesterday.

@FlapJackered oh I’m so glad they’ve booked you in for so soon after your next scan. That’s a bit of relief to not then have to wait longer after that second scan.
thanks I will update and let you know. My appointment is at midday. Will see what they say about options and wait times but pretty certain I’ll ask for the tablets and see if that works for me.

@FlapJackered I feel mixed emotions still. I was discussing with my DH last night about if we continue on this journey as my DD will now be 5 before a sibling is born and it was such a long ttc journey. It all feels so unfair. It isn’t what I wanted or envisaged.

and doing another year of ttc after a loss feels almost unbearable at the moment. I hope for just a one hit wonder. But it likely!!

SIGH. So hard to be back in the unknown again

@FlapJackered appointment went well. Bloods taken and meds given. Took first one today to prime the cervix. And proper meds to be taken Friday morning.
so fingers crossed for me it works.
they confirmed my dad had changed and it was bleeding internally around the sac so looks like my body has slowly stated the process so hopefully this will just speed it up

@Indianna2006 that’s good to hear it went as well as it can do. I had the same with the bleeding around the sac, although no signs yet of anything happening.
I hope the medication works as it should and is quick and as painless as possible.

I am finding I am just desperate to ttc again and have that to focus on. I just want to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I know that probably isn’t healthy, but it’s the only way I can picture feeling happy again.

@FlapJackered thank you. Fingers crossed. I have some good pain relief they gave me so hopefully be okay.

is it your first your ttc?

@FlapJackered oh no sorry you’d said it was your second. 1st from IVF.

well I took my tablet late afternoon yesterday and it all happened over night. Pain was fine. Wasn’t too bad. Was a lot of gushes of blood though and I felt faint and dizzy a lot. It lasted all night and today seems to just be normal bleeding. So I hope it’s worked.
man being rescanned Friday 🤞🏼

That’s good to hear it wasn’t too bad and it sounds like it was successful. 🤞

I am still trying to decide between the d&c and the pills. I think I am edging towards the d&c just because I am staying with my parents at the moment and the thought of going through the bleeding etc with other people in the house doesn’t feel right, and it just gets it all over with quickly.
it’s just the choice of two horrible options isn’t it.