Still waiting for the inevitable

[indecisivewoman81]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking on this board since Thursday when I found out at 11 weeks that my baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and my womb was full of blood.

Having to be in the rook on my own with my husband waiting outside expecting good news will haunt me for ever.

I have to go back I'm next Thursday for a re scan and been told to wait it out.

I have only had small amounts of spotting although my back feels achey and I can't stop crying.

What I want to know is, when will it properly start? I have two children at home and I don't want them to witness anything.

I feel like I am in limbo and frightened by the next steps the pain and blood.

Can anyone offer any advice? A hand hold x

Thank you so much @indecisivewoman81 & @Sausage1990 I’m still very early on at exactly 8 wks today. I’ll feel happier in a month or so. I really hope everyone else with a sad story gets to experience their rainbow babies too.
Covid-safe hugs all round xx

How is everyone doing/feeling? I am quite up and down both emotionally and physically.

Yesterday was a bad day and I cried quite a bit, went to bed in the afternoon as I just felt so sad.

Physically I am not in much pain but feel exhausted and weak, sometimes dizzy. I need to remember my body is recovering because I try to do normal day to day stuff then just feel terrible. I have been signed off for another week do going to really rest and recover.

I hope everyone is okay.
Xx

Definitely rest lots and take it easy for as long as it takes @indecisivewoman81. Cry when you need to but rest assured you will pull through this and begin to feel better soon. Though you will always feel a certain pang, It will get easier.
I hope you have some support and that you will get your rainbow baby very soon x

@indecisivewoman81 hey sorry you've feeling so up & down. I'm feeling similar tbh. @littletiger007 is so right, you just need to let yourself feel what you Nedd to feel. I've had a few cries too. It's natural to feel up & down with everything we've been through, but also remember we have a huge amount of hormones trying to sort themselves out too so be kind to yourself.

For me I think I really underestimated the physical impact, I'm feeling very fatigued & drained too. I've actually decided to take a multivitamin with iron to see if it helps because I think I might be a bit depleted. Especially from the blood loss.

The bleeding and cramps have settled today, although I've still had some discomfort and cramps. I had some painful cramps, heavier bleeding and clots the last 2 evenings but I'm hoping that I've managed to pass the last of the pregnancy & it doesn't happen again tonight.

I'm expecting a call from the nurse in EPU tomorrow at some point to check how im doing which I thought was very thorough.

And with regards to time off, I'm taking next week off work too (so will have been off 3 weeks in total) but have already decided that if I'm physically not feeling well enough then I may take a 4th week. My body's been through it so I'm taking time. If in need it. So should you. Sending lots of love to you xxx

@LittleTiger007 thank you. I know you are completely right. I need to just listen to my body and let it do what it needs to.

@Sausage1990 I'm sorry you are having a tough time too. I hope the cramps and bleeding ease up completely soon for you. It's good that you are being so well supported by your EPU; ours have been useless (they didn't even call back when I asked for advice over excessive bleeding). Have you got to go back for any more scans? I have another robe on Thursday and so hope that's the end of it. It really should be because I have lost the large ish clot I believe they were referring too.

Rest up xx

@indecisivewoman81 I don't have any further appointments or scans scheduled, they said they'd call on Monday and then we'll go from there. I've got to take a pregancy test 3 weeks from when I went in to check my hcg has gone down. And they've very much got a let's take it 1 step at a time and see what happens approach. Which I quote like because often in these situations time is all that's needed, however as my body didn't miscarry naturally and had to be medically induced, I think they're cautious to ensure everything has come away. I will have a scan if my bleeding doesn't stop or my pregnancy test doesn't turn negative. I'm just hoping my body has done its job 🤞🏻

I'm hoping for you that it will all be over soon for you. Noone wants this to drag on and on.

Question though, how are you coping with seeing social media posts from people who are announcing pregnancies or from those you knew were pregnant while you were but are just sharing their journeys?? I ask because I know so many people who are pregnant right now, and lots of people I follow on Instagram who are expecting. And I was excited to watch their journeys while we were on it together and while I am happy for them I just feel this horrible ache inside. A yearning and saddness that I'm not able to continue on that journey with them... I feel this is going to be hard until April. I was due 20th April 2021. My broody feeling has increased ten fold. I was so ready to be a mother and i know it will happen one day but at the moment it just feels like this ache. Does this make any sense? Does anyone else struggle with the social media thing? How do you deal with it? X

Sorry about my previous post.. I didn't mean for it to be so down in the dumps, I was having a sad wobbly moment but had a little cry & a cuddle with DH to feel better. I do. I think grief comes in ways you don't expect it. How you girls are OK xxx

No need to apologise @Sausage1990 I think how you are feeling is totally normal.

The truth is I'm not coping that well with seeing all the bumps/ babies and pregnancy announcements. Every time I go on Instagram someone has had a baby, talking about their loss or announcing their pregnancy and each time it's like ripping off a plaster and reminding me of what I haven't got, what I was looking forward to etc. It's probably easier for me In some ways because I am blessed with two children already (both school aged so not babies) so I do not have empty arms when I want a cuddle but the pain is still real and they didn't know so I have to pretend to carry on when inside I am falling apart.

My biggest problem is all the things I secretly bought; the baby outfit, the maternity clothes ( I know it was too soon) but I still did it and now they are not needed. That hurts.

What also hurts is how I measured time against this pregnancy. Like you @Sausage1990 I was die in April 24th. I was going to announce it about how to my children (and the world), I would have been ; months on my birthday, 5 months at Christmas, 8 months on my husbands birthday due at Easter. Every occasion had a matching bump image attached. So now there is nothing to look forward to. Ofcourse this isn't true just how I feel on particularly down days.

We will get through this. It will get better. Xx

Thank you for writing that @indecisivewoman81 - it's exactly how I feel. Each occasion this year and into next year had a "I'm this many months pregnant" attached to it and it feels very empty now. I have enjoyed having people on my socials pregnant too (some slightly head of me, some at the same point) because we were in this together... But now I feel like I'm out of the club. I have literally left the chat iw as in with other girls who were due in the spring so I'm many ways I have left the club.

When I was ttc I joined this amazing thread if women and in the summer a group of us 'graduated' to a pregnancy group we created together so we could continue this journey together. And I've left that group now and I did keep up with them for the 1st week but since then I can't. It's too painful. I'm still watching their threads because I do really want to hear their baby news and hopefully share with them when I get my next BFP but atm it feels too much.

You may have 2 children but your hurt and greif is still horrible. This was your other baby. It may be different but it's still a loss & that still hurts. Harder in some ways because you have to hide that pain, where as I can just have a cry and let it out when I feel it. We all have our challenges and no one experience is more valid than another.

How are you symptom wise atm? Are you still bleeding or cramping etc? I am but much less so in the day. The last 3 evenings however I've had a random increase in bleeding/clots. Always in the evening for some reason then by morning it's gone. Much less cramps, bearly anything. But I have had this internal pain in my underneath, feels a bit uncomfortable when I sit. Feels like it's in my bottom too but it isn't, it's just all the muscles are connected aren't they. I used to get this sometimes if I had a particularly painful or heavy period so the sensation isn't unfamiliar its just unexpected and has been on & off since yesterday. Has anyone else ahs this experience at all? I cant seem to find anything that tells me about this. Xx

Hi @Sausage1990

My bleeding has tapered off to nearly nothing now just light brown but I have no idea if this is normal or not. I have a re scan again on Thursday so I guess I will find out then.

I know what you mean about the feeling underneath. I had that a few days ago. I felt very achy and heavy underneath and sat with a wheat bag between my legs (TMI sorry) and it went away straight after a large clot came out later that day. Maybe yours will. I hope you are okay xx

Oh that's really reassuring a the underneath pain @indecisivewoman81... I've had less clots today and the pain has been less so hopefully it will reduce as things settle. Oh and sitting on a warm wheat pack is the best feeling ever - definitely not tmi lol.

I'll check in with you in a few days 💕 sending love

How is everyone?

I had an mva procedure yesterday and physically feel fine. In a way I was hoping for more cramping and bleeding today to show it’s all done. Still worried that I could potentially get a positive test in 3 weeks.

Hi @pixienewbie I'm pleased that all went well yesterday for you and you seem to be relatively symptom free. I wouldn't worry too much about not having pain/bleeding, maybe it means they did a thorough job.

I have my scan tomorrow (the last one I hope) and really hope this is the end of this particular journey now because I feel like I can't move on until then. I have no pain now and only slight spotting which I am hoping is a good thing.

Xx

@indecisivewoman81 I have everything crossed for you that tomorrow is good news.

I’m still in disbelief how long this whole process has taken. It doesn’t help when my mind keeps thinking “I would have been 15 weeks pregnant this week” etc.

I’m looking forward to getting back to work and having some normality.

Do let us all know how tomorrow goes. Will be thinking of you. xx

Thank you @pixienewbie

Everything went fine at the scan today and they have discharged me. I was so nervous before I went in I felt sick. Like you said; the process is so long and traumatic.

I feel relieved and sad. It's all over now. The nurses said I would be super fertile now but I don't think we will try again just yet. Lots of reasons really. One being the pandemic, my "care" hasn't been very good at all and the though if going through this again or even having a healthy pregnancy but then having to labour alone etc is really putting me off. The other reasons are simply that I am scared and feel like my body might need a break to heal. I am older than most at nearly 39 so the chances of this happening again are higher. But I. Any just let the dream of having a baby go. We wanted this little one, we made room for them in our hearts, and we still have that love to give.

@indecisivewoman81 take your time and take care of yourself. Hopefully being discharged today can bring you some closure to this horrible time. xx

@indecisivewoman81 good to read you've been discharged. It is such a drawn out process that can feel never ending.

@pixienewbie glad your procedure went well and that you're not in any pain. I'm the same with the 3 weeks pregnancy test..scared it'll come up positive.

I had medical management yesterday. It all started 4ish hours after I had the tablets and I was in a bad way for a few hours but felt instant relief when I felt something hefty pass. I daren't look.

I bled a lot yesterday but today hasn't been bad at all. And no pain. Part of me thinks I've been lucky in that it's been quick but then another part worries that it hasn't worked.

@Rumples sorry to hear that you have been having a rough time off it. The medical management is supposed to make things happen very quickly so it's over all in one go. If the bleeding has slowed right down then that sounds like it's coming to an end. I hope that's the case for you. Have you got to go back and have a rescan or anything?

I have stopped bleeding completely now just a tiny bit of spotting which the nurse said might last a week or so.

What a tough time we have all been having.

How are you doing @sausage1990?

@indecisivewoman81 they didn't book me in for a re-scan. Just said to do a pregnancy test in 3 weeks and to call back if it's still positive.

While it's awful reading all of your experiences, it really does help to know other people have been through it and come out the other side.

It sounds like we are all starting to come out of the other side. I’m trying to distract myself with Christmas shopping- it might be an expensive year 😂

@indecisivewoman81 hi lovely. I'm glad they discharged you and you can start putting this chapter to rest.

@rumples I'm glad your medical management went as smoothly as it could have. Sounds like we had a similar experience as nothing except cramping happened for me for about 4hrs before anything ramped up & came away. Well done for getting through it, it's not easy. I don't have follow up either just a pregnancy test in 3 weeks.

I'm doing okay, the bleeding & clotti g has stopped now and I'd say it's like a light to medium period. More light than medium tbh. Sorry for tmi, but I don't get alot on my pads but more when I wipe (hence light to medium). I don't think I passed the last of it until last Thursday or Friday even though the meds were given Tuesday & Wednesday so I'd say I'm 1 week post now and things are settling.

I have taken 2 pregnancy tests just out if curiosity - I got the Internet cheap strips and I did one test last Thursday and one yesterday, and although they are still positive (as expected) they're definitely getting more faint. Which is reassuring. I felt nervous too that they wouldn't get lighter but they are. I just needed the peace of mind tbh.

Emotionally I'm a little up & down, and definitely having wobbly days but I'm going back to work Monday as I'm finding being at home alone with my thoughts isn't helping me personally. I think I'm physically well enough to go back.

DH and I have been discussing when we'd like to try again and we've agreed to leave 1 cycle (as per Dr's recommendations) and then start trying again, Dec/Jan time probably. It feels like the right choice for us.

Hope you girls are doing okay. Xxx

Glad to hear you are getting there @Sausage1990. Totally understandable that you are having up and down days, I imagine we will all have a few of those.

I really hope that we all get our rainbow babies after such a traumatic time. Xx

I was due on 24th April too. Heartbroken. Still cant believe it tbh. Cannot believe I'm not pregnant any more (even tho I did a test today 17 days post MC and it's still BFP :( )

Oh @gypsywater I'm so sorry to hear this. It's so awful isn't it. I am having quite a low weekend and feel pretty sad about everything.

I hope you are okay xx

Hi girls... I don't know if this is helpful but on channel 5 there was a documentary this week about miscarriage. Called "miscarriage: our story" and I'm currently watching it. I've cried quite alot already but I'm also finding it comforting in many ways. It's also has some mens perspectives too.

I'm watching it on catch up xx