I’m so angry about my miscarriage

[QuestionableMushroom]

I’m just so angry. Angry at my body, angry at DP, angry at the kids.
Fucks sake. Fucking fucking fuck. I want the bleeding to stop so I can start to get past this. I just want it not to be happening.

So sorry @QuestionableMushroom it is really shit isn't it. Just not fair at all. Is there a way you can let some of the anger out? Whatever works for you, I found myself screaming into a pillow yesterday when everyone was out but it really seemed to release some pressure. The neighbour's probably sending men in white coats for me today but honestly whatever you can do, it's a really shitty time and let it out however that looks for you xxx

So sorry to hear of your loss Mushroom. I lost my baby boy at 20 weeks on Friday and I’m all over the place. I’ve been wailing, screaming, sobbing, whatever needs to be done to let everything inside out. Have you got a good supper network? It’s so difficult to be alone x

I have just lost my baby yesterday and I’m so unbelievably sad, I have two children by ivf already so I am lucky but I can literally see the magic moments that would have lain ahead with this baby disappear from view. This was another ivf baby from a frozen cycle. And was my last chance for another child and I’m so so sad. I know it’s new and raw but right now I can’t stop crying and don’t know how to start to move on. I put a brave face on when I’m with my two kids and I’m able to forget for a few seconds when I’m with them but as soon as I’m alone I’m so so sad 😭😭😭😭

I’m so sorry for all your losses too it’s just so heartbreaking that so many people go though this pain x

Im so sorry @Sadnangry it is just awful and I'm really sorry you're going through it. I had one about 10 days ago and can empathise with keeping a brave face and then just crumbling when you're alone. Sending a big hug to you xx

Ah thank you @redhen85, I’m so sorry for your loss too big hugs back xxx

Sorry ladies. Been a tough two weeks. I was able to take a few days off but we’re short staffed at work at the minute so had to go back before I was ready really. I’m not coping with DS, he’s only 2.5 and he’s an average toddler. But my ability to cope with it has just dropped completely. I’m so short fused.

That sounds so hard Mushroom, try and be kind to yourself, you’re doing the best you can and that’s enough for now. I’m planning to go back to work on Monday after 2 weeks off. I work in a school so I’m hoping all the Christmas chaos will be a good distraction. I’ve been surprisingly calm and ‘ok’ yesterday and today after a massive meltdown on Sunday. I think I needed to get everything out of my system but I do worry that I’m repressing again now and will be due another meltdown soon, hopefully not in front of the children when I’m back next week. I feel very guilty being off when physically I’m ok (still lots of bleeding though). I wanted to treat myself to a nice mooch around a new store that’s opening near us this morning but as soon as I got there I noticed a parent from my class. I felt so ashamed to be off and that she would judge me if she saw me so I had to leave in a panic . I had gone for paint testers because we had planned to paint what would have been baby’s bedroom over the holidays and I’m hoping that still going ahead and painting it will be therapeutic in a way. Sorry for rambling x

We’ve watched a lot of telly today. I feel like I’m failing DS at the minute. I know deep down that I’m not but it’s how I feel just now. Failing him like I failed the baby. Dunno.
I’m a practice nurse so I have lots of small babies to deal with and I have to be all nice and smiley and caring and it’s like there’s nothing left to give in me.

I can understand why you felt that when you saw the parent. Bet it didn’t cross their mind about you being off.

I think painting the room could be really cathartic c

That’s so hard Mushroom. Of course you’re not failing your son or your baby either. You’re allowed to feel like that though, I’ve always thought that we have to allow ourselves to feel things properly before trying to get rid of them otherwise they don’t go away fully. Hold him close, he won’t know any different and he’ll just know that you love him very much. So hard though

I’m sure it was just me being silly but she’s caused trouble in the past and I didn’t fancy a run in, especially being so close to tears all the time.

I’m hoping it will be. I had all sorts of plans to decorate it (first baby) and I think I will keep those plans and sort it out over the holidays. I know it might be a while before we start ttc again and even longer before we have a baby to bring home but it feels like a way of keeping hope alive x

Sorry you couldn't take longer off work @QuestionableMushroom - must be really draining doing your job with all this going on. I feel exhausted just from doing the basics and empathise with feeling like there's nothing left to give. Might not be an option but could you look at taking a few more days off when you have childcare, to give yourself a break and maybe the chance to let a few feelings out?

I know how you feel about failing DS and watching too much TV, I've done the same a bit so went to soft play and that just made me want to lose my mind so definitely just stay home when you need to, kids don't mind and just want to be with mum so don't feel guilty. It won't be forever and you're still a good mum - just a very human one who can't keep going doing everything while dealing with so much. I hope you can find some time somewhere for yourself, or call on a friend or relative to help out so you can have a bit of breathing space xx