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Coping after missed miscarriage
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Redhen85 · 30/11/2019 19:01

Hi, I found out at a scan on Tuesday at what I thought was 11 weeks that my baby had died at 7 weeks. I had no symptoms there was anything wrong and a growing bump, nausea, everything to make me think things were going well. The world just completely stopped when I heard the words "its not good news, baby's passed away" and hasn't really moved on since then. I opted for surgical management which I had yesterday and was much easier than expected as only a tiny amount of bleeding and hardly much pain. But emotionally I'm just not sure how I'll ever move on. I'm going to get signed off work for the week but that just feels like no time at all. I don't want to see anyone or do anything, I just want to be alone. Found myself screaming and sobbing into a pillow earlier which strangely helped, but I just keep bursting into tears.
I have a 2 year old who I'm very lucky to have, I'm not sure if the easy pregnancy with him just made me assume everything would be fine this time but I just can't handle how upset I feel.
Am thinking about doing something in memory but I'm not sure what just yet.
I just feel absolutely heartbroken and like I want to crawl into a cave forever.
Is anyone else struggling? Or has anyone found a way to cope? X

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SoonToBeMrs91 · 30/11/2019 20:44

Hi @Redhen85 so sorry for your loss. I don't know if anything anyone says will make it any easier for you. It is awful that it happened, but remember it is nothing you've done and nothing could have been done to stop it from happening. Those two things helped me cope after my 2 MCs. If you need anyone to talk to I'm always here.

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Zoey36 · 30/11/2019 22:53

I'm so so so sorry you're going through this. I had a mmc in October and reading your post resonated with me so much. I was so so sad. I wanted to be alone forever which was hard with a 1 year old. I still do sometimes want to sit alone and cry and scream into a pillow. But I am okay. And my day isn't defined by sadness anymore. I honestly didn't feel like I'd ever be able to feel okay again but I do most of the time. I haven't/didn't find any way to cope but I think just allowing my mind and body some time has helped me feel okay. And being here actually. So much support. Sending so much love. xxx

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 08:06

@SoonToBeMrs91 thank you I wouldn't wish this on anyone and yet being here it helps to know I'm not alone and that people can understand. I'm so sorry for your 2 losses, life can be so cruel can't it. I feel scared of everything that happens next - physical recovery, going back to work, taking to anyone about anything, my birthday next week, Christmas, trying again. Writing it down it looks like I'm scared of a lot... I think it helps to know I couldn't have stopped it, thank you for saying that, gives me another thing to keep going to in my brain. How are you doing? X

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 08:18

@Zoey36 I'm so sorry you've been through this too, I know what you mean about days being defined by sadness, that really resonates at the moment, and gives me hope that you could move on from that stage. I realise we're all different but how long did it take you to get to that point? If you work then how long did you take off? My manager is being v supportive and I've also told a close colleague but I'm tempted not to tell others so that they don't try to talk to me about it, I'm not sure how best to approach that...I know some in my team who have had miscarriages and even still birth, and some are also pregnant so don't want to scare them either.
Really glad you're starting to have better days, and I am sure your 1 year old is a good distraction, my toddler is obsessed with daddy so finding it quite hard when I'm feeling this low and he just tells me he wants daddy instead.... don't want to lose my patience with him as he's only 2 but can make me feel so rubbish when he says it! And now I feel guilty for complaining about my child Blush I'm not exactly being fun mum at the moment so can't really blame him! I'll have to buck up for Christmas as he's got me for 2 weeks and daddy for only the bank holidays...
I've got next week off as can't face work yet but also scared of having that much time on my own.
And it's my birthday next Sunday where I'd invited family over but really not sure now and might cancel.
How are you feeling, do you want to try again?
Thank you for replying it made a huge difference to my mood knowing someone was there x

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HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 09:19

So sorry to hear of your losses, it’s shit isn’t it. I lost my baby at 13 weeks but we only found out at the 20 week scan on Thursday. I gave birth to him Friday. Strangely I find that I do want to talk about it lots, people feel awkward though so I need to find someone willing to listen. Take all the time you need off work, I’ll probably take at least a week. I teach 5 year olds so a difficult place to go back to after a loss. Don’t feel afraid of moving forward. One day at a time and if that’s too much then one hour at a time and if that’s too much then 5 minutes at a time x

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SoonToBeMrs91 · 01/12/2019 12:52

@Redhen85 I'm copying, back to TTC now, should be ovulating next week so fingers crossed. Take it easy with work and like PP said one day at the time.

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Thumbellini · 01/12/2019 14:49

You'll get through it op, it's awful, the shock is like nothing else but it does fade with time. I'd say it took me a good month to get back to normal or maybe more. We had a holiday pre booked which really helped actually. That was about 2 months after my d&c. Having things to look forward to is the key for me, we stopped putting our lives on hold and just booked nice things which we never would have done previously just in case. So sorry for your loss, it's just awful ❤️

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reasonsforwaiting · 01/12/2019 14:58

So sorry for your loss. Flowers
Same here (many years ago now), similar timings. I was very, very upset, and grieved for quite a while; accepting my deep grief, accepting it would take time to recover, showing kindness towards myself (I didn't cause this), and accepting kindness from others, all helped. And music; I found music helped me through my inexpressible emotions.

It takes time; time really does, gradually, heal. Sending my heartfelt sympathies.

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 19:42

@henryshome so sorry to hear that, how awful and must have been a huge shock after you'd already had the 12 week scan. Life is tough and you sound incredibly brave. And thank you, yes, think I need to slow down and just deal with the now rather than worrying about what I'll feel like next week...how are you feeling? xx

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 20:10

Thanks @Thumbellini that's really reassuring to hear, we had been thinking about a holiday in the new year so maybe need to focus on that to give us something to get through the January gloom. I hope you're still doing well xx

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 20:11

Good luck @SoonToBeMrs91 lovely to hear you are trying again, I can't wait to get to that point xx

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 20:12

@reasonsforwaiting thank you for the kind message and sorry you have experienced this too, it's so sad how many of us there are. Gives me hope that I'll be as strong as you all again soon xx

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Flatwhite32 · 01/12/2019 20:13

@Redhen85 so sorry for your loss. We discovered at the 12 week scan in August 2017 that our baby had no heartbeat. I promise you, it does get better with time. We now have an amazing 16 month old DD, but I think of our first little bean often. Take time to grieve and be kind to yourself.

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soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:14

I had one a couple of months ago and I think you have to accept that you cannot change it.

I meditate and do a lot of cbt therapy which I think helped me, in the nicest way possible don't take it the wrong way but you are hurting yourself even more by letting it get you down.

I refuse to allow things I can't change get the better of my mental health because it's a total drain on me and affects me more as well as the people around me.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh but the above is what helped me cope. I went to work the second day after surgery and got back to normality as quickly as possible. I don't see the point in coping any other way.

Sorry for your loss but getting back on track as quickly as possible is my best advice x

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 20:15

Thanks @Flatwhite32 that's lovely to know, I can't wait to just be in the future and not be dealing with this anymore although think it'll stay with me forever xx

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Redhen85 · 01/12/2019 20:17

@soph7777 yes think that's right, I probably won't go as fast as that but I've been out with my toddler today and busy doing normal life stuff which i feel better for, so going to keep things busy this week even if just one normal thing each day to move me along x

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TheFoz · 01/12/2019 23:19

I found out on Monday that I had a mmc. Back to hospital on Wednesday for another scan and discuss the next step as nothing has happened naturally so far.
In terms of moving on, do what is right for you. My friend, who has had a few mc’s never took time off and she really regrets it so that was her advice to me. You need mend mentally as well as physically. Heartfelt sympathies to you. It’s so so difficult Flowers

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wonderstuff · 01/12/2019 23:35

I had a mmc about 14 years ago, it was my first pregnancy and hit me very hard. I had a couple of weeks of work and actually left my job as a teacher eventually. I was sad for over a year ago really should have sought some professional help looking back. I found an online forum that was supportive, and someone there told me it was okay to always be a little sad, and like a flick of a switch I felt better, I accepted it and was able to move on. I returned to teaching and eventually conceived my daughter, about 3 years after my mc, I now have 2 children and I've not been upset about that first pregnancy for a long long time now, but the grief I felt was as intense as any I've felt since, I think I may have cried more for that baby than for my father, which doesn't make any sense, but grief is a funny thing.

I'm sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself and my best advice is to accept that its terribly sad and not put pressure on yourself to get back to normal, my experience was I had to incorporate grief into my new normal. But everyone is different xx

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HenrysHome · 02/12/2019 09:09

So sorry to hear of everyone’s heartbreak. Good advice about work @TheFoz, I’m a teacher too @wonderstuff and I’m feeling guilty about having today off (I only gave birth on Friday for goodness sake!) and don’t know how long to have off. It will be so hard going back to my smiling little 5 year olds, especially in the run up to Christmas x

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Redhen85 · 02/12/2019 09:41

You're all so kind sharing your own heartbreak. It is utterly rubbish isn't it.
I'm definitely taking this week off and then will decide how I feel at the end of the week.
@henryshome I hope you can take the time you need, it is hard isnt it I want someone to tell me what to do but we will all react to things so differently. I had my surgery on friday and still very swollen and tender so cant wear anything except harem pants, so that's a sign to me that I am not ready to get back to everything yet. Listen to your body and your mind and do whatever feels right for you xx
I've just done the morning drop off and childminder gave me a hug and we spoke about it a little, so in a way now I've done that I feel like I've actually achieved one big hurdle as was terrified even looking another person in the eye. Might reward myself with a day of trash tv!
If anyone wants to talk I am here and ready to listen. Sending lots of love xxx

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HenrysHome · 02/12/2019 11:00

So true @Redhen85, I want a doctor to tell me how long I will have off and that to be that. Funny isn’t it x

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Zoey36 · 02/12/2019 12:39

Sorry for taking so long to reply. It happened exactly 2 months ago now and I'd say I have felt like I can do life for a month now. I went back to normal life very quickly though. I went to work straight from my scan that confirmed no heartbeat and then had another day to work after that. I regret it but I'm self employed working in a school so I couldn't let them down and not get paid. I had the day before and after the miscarriage off but needed more but couldn't afford it! If I was employed, I'd have had a week. In my experience, women who have been through this would have to find out that you dealt with it alone. Don't be afraid of letting them know.
It's hard with a toddler isn't it. I felt guilty for moping and crying in front of her and even turned her pram away from facing me so she couldn't see me cry when we were out walking. She has helped me through it though. I cuddle her so tight and an SO thankful for her. She has been my rock, despite being a baby!

Rubbish having this so close to your birthday:(
We started trying again straight away as I thought the only way I could deal with it was to have a baby asap. Not to forget about it, although I wish there was a memory eraser and I'd take it! But just to move on. We actually conceived both months but had very early losses. I'm not sure if it's just bad luck now or something more. I'm going to try this month but if unsuccessful I'm going to stop for a while. The nurse told me not to they again right away in case I wasn't mentally ready but i knew I needed to! Everyone is different though and you cant put a timeline on grief.
This has changed my whole world and I can't accept how common miscarriage is. It's just so awful how can this happen to so many people?! But at least we find each other here in this bubble of support. ❤
I struggled most at first with losing my ideal age gap that I'd planned, but now I struggle must with the physical trauma of how it happened but I am okay and ypu will be too! xxxx

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Redhen85 · 04/12/2019 20:23

Thanks @Zoey36 I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out the other side of it all now...8 days on from finding out and I'm finding myself to be less overwhelmed by the grief now. If anything I've found myself feeling guilty when I've had happier moments or realised I've been enjoying myself. That's just something I need to work through I guess, and at least having a toddler means I'm not able to mope the entire time as much as I would like to!
I know what you mean I really can't handle how common this is... it's not fair... hope you have more success ttc when the time is right. The nurse told me I didn't need to wait but when I saw my GP for sick note he advised to wait 3 months to allow the uterus to heal and be in the best possibly health to receive a new baby. Feels like a long time to wait but we'll see! Ah it's all just so hard isn't it and as you say, no timelines that work for everyone. Good luck xxxx

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HenrysHome · 10/12/2019 14:37

How are you doing @Redhen85? x

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Redhen85 · 10/12/2019 14:55

Hi @HenrysHome thanks for asking, really appreciate it, I'm up and down! Keep sleeping really badly so feeling worse after a bad night's sleep today whereas I did quite well yesterday. It's 2 weeks today and I'm due to work from home tomorrow but can see people have put calls in and it's making me panic... I'm not sure whether to delay going back but with it's only 1 week left until I finish for Xmas and I still can't seem to make any decisions about what's best to do Confused My boss has also asked if I want her to tell people, or to ask them not to ask me anything, but I think that might just make it weird... what have you done?

I guess things must be improving overall as I've had a couple of good days mixed in with the bad at least. And had my birthday last week too which was v up and down but again slept terribly the night before (had my 2.5 year old sleeping on my head most of the night...)

I'm still cancelling plans as just the thought of spending time with people I find exhausting.

How are you doing? X

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