Coping after missed miscarriage

[Redhen85]

Hi, I found out at a scan on Tuesday at what I thought was 11 weeks that my baby had died at 7 weeks. I had no symptoms there was anything wrong and a growing bump, nausea, everything to make me think things were going well. The world just completely stopped when I heard the words "its not good news, baby's passed away" and hasn't really moved on since then. I opted for surgical management which I had yesterday and was much easier than expected as only a tiny amount of bleeding and hardly much pain. But emotionally I'm just not sure how I'll ever move on. I'm going to get signed off work for the week but that just feels like no time at all. I don't want to see anyone or do anything, I just want to be alone. Found myself screaming and sobbing into a pillow earlier which strangely helped, but I just keep bursting into tears.
I have a 2 year old who I'm very lucky to have, I'm not sure if the easy pregnancy with him just made me assume everything would be fine this time but I just can't handle how upset I feel.
Am thinking about doing something in memory but I'm not sure what just yet.
I just feel absolutely heartbroken and like I want to crawl into a cave forever.
Is anyone else struggling? Or has anyone found a way to cope? X

I’m sleeping badly too, I’m ok once I get off but I spend hours lying awake thinking about the delivery and the hospital stay and everything. I was really unsure what to do about work, I have a sick note until January (start of term) but I want to try going in again Monday. I think it will be easier as it’s the week before Christmas so things are slowing down a bit and there’s a bit more leeway before I’ll need to hit the ground running in January. We have lots of Christmassy things going on so I’ll be able to escape from my class for a bit if I need. I feel like a week back in work will help to separate these two weeks from being off from the holidays. I think that separation will help as the weeks will all blur into one otherwise. I understand what you mean about other people, the only people I’ve seen since everything happened are the people who were there at the time x

Sorry about the sleep, I hope it starts to get easier for us soon. I'm the opposite, get to sleep and then wake up around 2/3am thinking about everything.

Good idea about work, I'm tempted to leave it until Monday just to buy a bit more time - my biggest worry is going in then having to take time off again. Also think it's a good idea to be back before Christmas, just to try and separate things up. Oh gosh it's just not easy is it! Xx

Oh dear, that way round sounds worse . I’ve been holding on to the thought that ‘grief is selfish’ which has been helping me to what I need to do to heal, if holding off going back is going to help you heal then that’s what you should do.
It certainly isn’t easy have you got the option of doing a phased/ part time return? I would be opting for that if my work allowed it x

Oh no I've been trying to convince myself I'm not being selfish 😂🙈

Yes I'm going to see how it goes tomorrow, if I can sleep ok tonight then I'll try working from home tomorrow even just a few hours to break the seal, if you know what I mean. And then take it from there. The only thing I worry about is going back too early then going off again which would count as a separate absence, in terms of HR stuff.

Anyway, should probably stop worrying about absolutely everything at some point....so not like me, I'm usually really on top of things but just feel lost at the moment

Glad it's an easier time for you to go back to, if schools still stick films on for the kids at xmas I would definitely have a few days of that xx

It’s the one time you’re allowed to be I think 🙂 don’t feel bad about feeling lost either, I’ve found it to be such a confusing time, like I’m a little boat being bashed about everywhere. Do you have much support around you? I am letting husband take as much lead as possible on the little things like dinner and food shopping and Christmas prep just to give my head a bit of space and a chance to de-fog itself.

If you feel like you’re not ready to work from home, don’t do it yet. You have to take care of you - what would you tell a friend to do in the same situation? It’s so hard because I’m the worst at self care but I’m learning x

That's a very accurate image of a little boat - so true. Vulnerable to the elements, definitely how I feel.
I spoke to a girl at work who is taking the brunt of my being off and she was very encouraging about staying off longer, without me even bringing it up, so I'm more relaxed about seeing how it goes tomorrow and I've requested a sick note too so that I can just play it all by ear for the next week.

V true about what you'd tell a friend- I'm very good at dishing out advice but more than ever useless with myself at the moment!

I have good emotional support in my partner, slightly less on the practical side but hes doing an ok job at keeping things going. I dont think it's in my nature to let my brain really stop so I'm getting through my xmas shopping online but at least feel like I'm achieving something. Just feels in a very warped way like I'm wasting 2 weeks off work (obviously would be at work otherwise so this makes no sense but is how my brain works!)

Good luck for nodding off to sleep. A friend recommended using headspace so I'm going to do that. And apparently if you can't sleep for long its better to get up and do something for 30 mins rather than lie in bed so I'm armed with a plan tonight! Hope you have a better nights sleep x

Hi @Redhen85 and @henryshome...can I join the conversation?...I just came to know today that I had an mmc. Went for a private scan. I was supposed to be 10 weeks, but there was no heartbeat and the fetus only measured 6 weeks. I am absolutely devastated... I don’t know how to carry on now. Have been crying on and off for hours...I have an appointment at EPU tomorrow, but I am dreading going through the scan again. It was possibly the worst moment in my life. Reading this has made me feel there is someone I can talk to and share how o am feeling! Really sorry about your losses. Life can be so cruel some times. But I am glad both you ladies are keeping strong and trying to get back to normal. I wish I will be able to do that too one day. Xx

Hi @Annie0425, so sorry to hear of your loss too 🙁 I know how you feel about the scan, after the sonographer told us there was no heartbeat we had some moments to ourselves to try and absorb the shock. When she returned she asked if she could scan again to do his measurements and it was just the worst feeling I can’t even describe it. You will be so strong tomorrow I know it . Thought this whole process I’ve tried to remind myself that I’m a mummy now and mummy’s do hard things for their baby.

Please do share how you are feeling it’s so important to be able to talk about everything to try and process it all.

You will feel better than this and more ‘ok’ I promise. A week ago I was in a much darker place than now. It still hurts and Im still terribly sad but small steps, I’m thinking about making it from one cup of tea to the next and if I can do that then I’m ok. Last week my mum said to me that it will never be as hard as it is now and she was right. Be selfish in your grief and don’t let anyone tell you the right way to grieve, I’m trying to remember that too xx

Oh @Annie0425 I'm so so sorry, it is truly devastating. I read somewhere that when you hear the words "there's no heartbeat" a trap door opens and you fall through - that just seemed to sum up exactly how I felt. But I am starting to claw my way out now I think, gradually a good few hours seemed to happen and I'm having more of those. I still cry, get angry and feel miserable too, but the balance feels like it's going in a more positive direction.

Will be thinking of you today with your scan, I did the same as you and went privately but actually asked them to repeat it at the EPU just so I wouldn't be left in any doubt. I couldn't bear being in the waiting room but afterwards I felt like I could somehow accept it now (I had a couple of days between that and the initial private scan though so also had 2 days worth of crying that I'd already done).

Let us know how you get on and how you feel about it all afterwards, and like HenrysHome says just let everything out that you need to and do it all in your own way.

2 weeks on from that first private scan and I'm still somewhat of a mess but definitely in a better place than I was so I'm sure that will only continue despite setbacks I'm expecting along the way. Big hugs xx

How did you sleep @HenrysHome? I woke up at 3am but this time with vomiting! Wtf... not even sure how I've managed to catch a bug when I've barely left the house in 2 weeks... all I can think is a friend came to stay with her baby last week and he maybe wasn't 100%. Who knows, but it took away the fear of working today as I'm too ill after anyway. So annoying, clearly being over dramatic but feel like I could really do with catching a break at some point! X

Hi @Redhen85 and @henryshome thank you so much for your kinds words. I do feel like I have fallen down a trapdoor and that I won’t be able to get back up! Don’t know how to carry on and not think about it every waking moment!
We have a 4 year old and it’s so difficult to act normal and not cry in front of him. But seeing him and being with him makes me forget just for a moment
I am glad to know that both of you are doing much better each day. You are right it has to be one tiny step at a time!
My scan went as expected. But because I knew what was coming, I was able to stay calm. Although they completely disregarded the private scan and said they will consider this as my 1st scan. And as such, even though there’s no heartbeat, they can’t say if it’s a very early pregnancy or an Mmc. So they wanted me to wait for week and come in for another scan. I have no doubt that it is an MMC as I had a private scan at 6 weeks (4 weeks ago!) and the baby was fine and there was a strong heartbeat. They still were adamant that they can’t do anything unless I have a 2nd scan. Finally they agreed to do it on my scheduled 12week scan day which is next Monday- 16th. It’s frustrating that I have to wait and go for the scan knowing that I won’t see a happy healthy baby! But hoping that I will be a bit better by then. I just want to get over with it now. Hugs to both of you...you are doing really well xx

Hi ladies, really struggling this evening. I can’t help but replay being in the scan room over and over again in my head and all the excitement in the days leading up to it. I remember sitting in the waiting room saying to my husband about how all our dreams of a family are finally coming true . I’ve been doing so well the last day or so but now I can feel everything coming crashing down around me.

So sorry to hear about your awful situation @Annie0425, that must be really hard xx

@henryshome please stay strong. I know it is difficult. While walking to the scan room today I thought, it used to make me really happy to go in there... but now it’s a dreadful scary dark room and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go into a scan room happy. I keep replaying the look on the sonographers face...and the moment I knew something was wrong! I know it’s difficult to not think about it. Try to distract yourself. Watch something nice and funny may be. Keep talking to your husband...go out somewhere... spend time with each other...there’ll be days when you feel better and there’ll be days when you feel really low...but it’s okay to grieve...so take your time...just keep strong and don’t give up hope...thinking of you! Xx

It's just so hard isn't it, just when you think you're having a better day it comes up and crashes into you and feels raw all over again. I find that really hard as so desperate to hang onto the good days. I don't think there's much control we can have over it though, do whatever you need to do to let it out and just feel what you need to feel. I think if I really let myself feel it then hopefully it won't creep up on me so much in future... who knows if that'll really be the case

I replay that moment too...was in such denial until she said it, in hindsight it was so obvious that there was no heartbeat but I just refused to believe it until she told me the baby had passed. That was my trap door. And yes @HenrysHome I was doing the same, rehearsing the messages I would send to some friends when we got out, I feel like I was so naive now

Glad you could get a sooner scan Annie and I'm sorry it is taking a while, I found the waiting bit the hardest in a way, I used that time to almost say goodbye to the baby so by the time I went for the final scan I felt she had already gone in a way. I dont know but it helped me in a way.

Thinking of you both and we shall all have better days and happy families ahead xxx

Thanks @Redhen85... your words were very comforting!
How are you feeling today @HenrysHome?

It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in all this ❤️ I’m doing better today thanks ladies, getting a bit nervous about going back to work on Monday, part of me is looking forward to seeing people who aren’t my husband but part of me is worried I won’t be able to cope and it will be a big set back. Think I will just have to bite the bullet and see. I’ve been painting the room that would have been baby’s and sometimes it makes me feel strong and empowered like I’m getting ready for our future and sometimes it makes me so sad about everything we have lost, there’s no rhyme or reason to it! How are you lovely ladies doing, x

@HenrysHome glad that you are feeling better today. You are definitely not alone. I have found this forum very comforting...knowing that there are people that I can talk to about this and who will understand, really helps. Don’t be nervous about going back to work. It might be a good distraction and keeping busy might help...I am sure you’ll be fine. But don’t worry if you don’t feel like its the right time! It’s perfectly normal and you can take a few more days off. I am sure your GP will sign you off. It’s good that you are trying to think about the future in a positive way.
I am okay...today wasn’t a great day as every little thing around the house reminded me of what we have lost! I also keep thinking that this was probably my last chance- I just turned 38 and we were trying for about 10 months...I want to try again, but can’t help but think this happened because of my age.I am trying to stay positive...but it’s difficult.. Take care for yourself! Xx

It’s so hard to stay positive isn’t it, especially in the run up to Christmas. We’re just having a quiet one this year I think, because this was going to be our first baby Christmas just seems a bit flat and dull with such a big hole in it. I tried to do a bit of shopping for some decorations but I saw a pregnant lady with a bump the size of the one mine should have been and I couldn’t face it so sat in the car and had a cry. Fingers crossed going back to work on Monday will help get me out of this slump I’m in. How are you ladies doing? x

Hello ladies, hope work is going well today @HenrysHome? I'm thinking of you! I decided to get another sick note from the doctor and may or may not go back before Christmas (I finish on Wednesday anyway). So it has really taken the pressure off not having a planned return date in a way, and my boss has been incredibly supportive. I'm feeling stronger almost by the day, still had a few moments where I've fallen apart but generally seem to be going in the right direction. And I really need to feel strong to go back to my job so hoping the extra time is just what I have needed.

Saw a friend saturday night who is pregnant and she started telling me about other friends who have miscarried and it made me break down again, but it was good in a way we were really open with each other about how it might be hard as she gets bigger etc but feels like we have a good understanding of how to be with each other. So that was positive. I think I mostly just find myself being exhausted by not that much, it is tiring to just do life at the moment!

How are you both doing? There definitely doesn't seem to be one way of coping so I hope you are both finding ways that work for you. And glad you got the painting done HH, how is it looking? Do you feel good for it? Xx

Hi Ladies...@HenrysHome hope you had a good 1st day back at work. Please let us know how it went.
@Redhen85, take as much time as you need. I have been signed off until Christmas, but I am thinking of extending it until the new year. I did feel guilty for a minute but I know it’s the right decision as I won’t be able to focus on work at the moment. You were very brave to talk to your pregnant friend and hopefully openly expressing your emotions will help with your emotional healing.
I have been doing okay. Spending as much time with my son as possible and that has helped...but everyday just before I sleep and after waking up in the morning I breakdown and have a good cry! Hoping that will stop with time.
I had my 2nd nhs scan today and as expected fetus hasn’t developed since the last scan and no heartbeat... Had a chat with the doctor about the next steps. I had surgical management in mind, but she mentioned that there’s a 30% risk of uterine tissue scarring. I still think it’s the best option for me as I have had only light bleeding on and off since the whole of last week and I think medical management will not work. So I got my appointment for the surgery on Wednesday. @Redhen85, how was your experience of the procedure? did your doctors mention the risk as well? I am worried that it might impact conception in future...did you do any research on it?
Thank you both for being there with me during this difficult time...Lots of hugs to both of you!

@Redhen85...not sure why it added the *s with your name

Hello @Annie0425, I'm so glad you are doing okay and still finding your way to grieve while having your boy to distract you a bit - they are good for that!
I think crying is very cathartic, mine has become less long times crying in bed and more short sharp tears randomly throughout the day.
Thanks, I think I'm doing the right thing with work, I can't do my job without feeling very confident and speaking to a lot of fairly full on people so I think now that I'm gradually just able to see friends that is a sign I'm doing better. Weirdly I've noticed I am struggling to look people in the eye, I'm not sure why, but I've noticed I'm constantly looking away. Think I've lost a lot of confidence. Met a friend who's on mat leave for lunch today and it was really nice, we just laughed about our families and what to expect from them at xmas and it was nice. I have only met up with friends twice in the last couple of weeks so for me I feel like I'm really improving. And going out on my own too. So xmas is probably here at a good time for me to have a bit longer to come to terms with things and gain some more confidence back before I'm back in the thick of work!
Re surgical management, it was absolutely fine, the easiest part of this whole process, I just felt quite teary while waiting and then when they called me through they were all lovely while I was crying but I had general anaesthetic and woke up within the hour, they said all went fine. I had a bit of nausea from the GA and they gave me some meds and fluids on a drip, I was fine within 10 mins, just felt like period pain... then my partner and little boy came to pick me up around 7pm, I was the last one there as had only been to the epu the day before so I got the last slot I think. But really was fine, slightly tender for 3-4 days and I had to wear very baggy clothes. That was it, it's all been emotional recovery since then! The risk for scarring that damages future conception is something like 1% (I can't remember exactly tho so do look for yourself) and the stories of natural mc were too traumatic for me, I was far too fragile to deal with any physical trauma on top of that. The only thing I'm confused by is that the hospital epu said I didn't need to wait to try again but the GP phoned to organise my sick note and advised i wait 3 months to ensure uterus lining is in the best possible health for implantation. So I am a bit confused about what to do in terms of waiting to try again...currently still testing positive on pregnancy tests which is a bit like a kick in the teeth as I just want to know I am ovulating again etc. What I did research is that you're meant to be very fertile for the 6 months following an mc - and surgery they told me wouldnt make any difference to that.
How are you doing?
Hope work is going ok @HenrysHome?

Xxx

@Redhen85, thank you for your lovely message. It did help me a lot in preparation to my SMM. The procedure went fine. Like you said, it was pretty straightforward and quick. Except for the wait for my turn. I felt fine afterwards. This wasn’t my 1st procedure under GA, so I knew what to expect. I am okay physically...there isn’t too much bleeding (at least not yet!), just some light cramps and general weakness. I was asked to take complete rest for 48 hours. Not sure how I feel emotionally though to be honest.. one minute I am extremely sad and the next minute I am relieved and hopeful to try again, But get disheartened again thinking what if I don’t pregnant again or what if this happens again...I’ll probably only try for the next 1 year. So the pressure is high! My doctor said that we can try after the 1st period which can be expected within 4-6 weeks. I think I’ll wait until that. But it was just because falling pregnant immediately makes it difficult to date it. I have read about many women getting pregnant almost immediately without getting a period. But I just feel I need to give my body a few weeks to recover... if you feel you are ready both mentally and physically, go ahead with it. But again if you don’t have time pressure like me , I think it’s okay to wait 3 months too!
How long ago was your surgery? My doctor asked me to do a pregnancy test after 3 weeks and call them if it’s still positive!
@HenrysHome how’s work going on?

Hi ladies, glad to hear that everyone’s as ok as they can be under the circumstances and that surgeries and things have been going well.

I’m exactly the same as you @Redhen85, short sharp tears thoughout the day but I’m sleeping better since I went back to work. Work has been ok, it’s hard because it’s still the centre of my world and all I want to do is talk about it but realising it’s not even on other people’s radars is pretty tough. I think people find it awakes to talk about as they don’t want to upset me but it’s more upsetting brushing everything under the carpet and acting like I had the flu for two weeks instead of laboring, birthing and grieving my baby.

I’m desperate to try again, I have been since I came home from the hospital, we’ve actually dtd but I can’t help worrying that it will take a while this time as it happened first time last time! Hope you ladies are ok today xx

So glad it's going well back at work @HenrysHome and hopefully finished for Christmas now anyway? My sick leave ran out as my Christmas holiday began so will end up not having been in for about 6 weeks! Feeling stronger each day though and getting out and doing more so hoping I now have long enough to get myself feeling a lot more confident before work starts again. And I'm maybe the opposite of you HH but hoping xmas will distract everyone from remembering I was off so they don't ask! It is hard though isn't it, I have been thinking how I'm the only one who will keep the memory of this one alive. The new year makes me feel a bit wobbly about starting afresh etc as I don't want to forget this little life that happened in this year.
I have met up with a couple of friends while off but really don't want to talk about the mc at all, only with my OH. Meant to go to a friend's Christmas get together tonight, I normally love it but think i might skip it, I'm nervous that some throwaway comment could set me off and don't want to ruin everyone's night. They have a tendency to say something that could be inappropriate like "when are you having another baby then" as everyone seems to be having number 2 at the moment... also a pregnant friend is going to be there and she completely disowned me when I was pregnant as she had an mc at that time (thankfully she's now on her second pregnancy & due v soon), and I just think it might bring too much up for me.
Trying again, I'm tempted to start now but don't think I'm ovulating yet as pregnancy test still reads positive, just to add insult to injury eh might wait 1 month just to know everything is working properly etc! I am 3 weeks on and apparently hormones can still think you're pregnant for up to 6 weeks.... Would rather not wait 3 months but I have pcos so can all take ages anyway, v annoying!! Xx