Feeling like I'm the only one who feels like this about miscarriage

[Lotsie]

I am currently having a miscarriage and I have been doing some research to find out more about what to expect, painkillers I can access if needed, if they will do scans after I have stopped bleeding to check everything has been passed etc and it has become clear to me that all the information online is REALLY focused on how I'm feeling.

I'm probably just being REALLY awful by saying this, but am I the only person who seems to think that miscarriage is a pretty normal thing? As in - it happens to 1 in 4 people.... The support websites just don't seem to normalise it and instead, I don't know what the word is....but sensationalising it comes to mind?!

I totally understand that miscarriage is extremely upsetting for most people, however, I'm 8 weeks pregnant, its not a baby, its some chromosomes that are incompatible and were never going to become a baby. I have not lost something that 'could have been'. I feel fine about the entire thing (I realise this is helped by the fact I already have a child so I know I can make babies and I would likely feel different if this had been my first pregnancy).

I guess I'm just having a bit of a rant because I'm having a miscarriage, and that's totally ok. Its normal. It happens all the time. Yet everywhere I look are photos and videos of sobbing women and its just making me feel like a total freak who doesn't have a heart.

Mumsnet....am I in fact totally heartless?! Has anyone else had a miscarriage and actually just been ok about the whole thing (minus all the pain, bleeding and numerous probes in your fanny from the hospital)

I'm truly sorry if this offends anyone and I am not saying people should not be upset. Its just, I'm not. And that doesn't seem to be ok with the rest of the world. Also, if you have experienced something similar do you think your ability to cope was partly due to a lack of understanding of miscarriage, especially as the vast majority of people go on to have totally normal pregnancies after miscarriage and it is so very very common.

YANBU to feel that way. I felt very differently, which is OK too.

“its some chromosomes that are incompatible and were never going to become a baby”. This isn’t necessarily the case: many MCs are not caused by chromosomal issues.

Also the one in four stat (I think) refers to pregnancies, not one in four pregnant women, eg it includes stats for those of us experiencing recurrent MC.

I get what you're saying.

I was similar with my first.

Second one I felt very differently - essentially very distraught.

Thankfully my third pregnancy was successful as evidenced by the teenager sitting next to me

Thanks for your reply @Loopytiles

Just to clarify for other readers I am assuming this is a chromosomal thing because I have no risk factors for any of the other known causes (smoking, infections, age, weight etc) and it accounts for 50% of miscarriages, especially this early.

My miscarriage was a missed one so the foetus had died around the 7 week point but hung around for another 4 weeks and I had no idea. It was incredibly painful, upsetting and affected me and my relationship with DH for ages because his reaction was like yours.

I think it shows it's horses for courses really.

Watch out for a hormone crash though OP. And lots of my hair fell out around the time the baby would have been due.

I wonder if missed miscarriages feel awful because you've been labouring under the misapprehension of being pregnant for longer than you actually were.

I felt like that too when I lost my second pregnancy. I suppose I felt I could be relaxed though, as I got pregnant with dd1 pretty quickly, conceived again first shot, lost it, and conceived again immediately (dd2). I'm sure I would feel VERY differently had things been otherwise, but as it was, I was disappointed but otherwise okay about it.

I think that conversations about fertility online generally tend towards difficultly conceiving, though, so a blasé attitude is often badly received. Not blasé - I mean that a relatively philosophical attitude can be perceived as blasé by people who are having a hard time.

I really see where you are coming from. I’ve had 2 miscarriages, one was an ectopic and the other probably chromosomal (it’s being tested at the moment). I was really shocked with the first one, but the second one, once my consultant explained that mmc after seeing a heartbeat are 99% cause by chromosomal problems, I felt ok about it and glad I didn’t have to make a difficult decision further along has the pregnancy somehow progressed. Now I am just keen to move on and start trying again. I know some people get stuck in their grief over miscarriage and I’m glad I don’t have that mindset. Like you though I already have a child so don’t have the crippling fear of never being able to join the ‘parents club’.

My first I was absolutely distraught. I really had lost my first baby in my mind. I knew about miscarriage and missed miscarriage just didn't expect it to happen to me. I really took the pregnancy for granted. Even when I bled and had my first scan I just convinced myself dates were wrong and the follow up scan would show everything was fine. I really struggled then the miscarriage itself was well and truly horrendous. I haemorrhaged on three separate days ending up in hospital twice before an emergency op and a two night stay. That, I didn't know about!

Then I fell pregnant again, my son was stillborn at 27wks. He had some things wrong with him, not life threatening but major.

After him, my next pregnancy ended in another missed miscarriage. This pregnancy seemed to be going well. I'd had two scans showing all was fine but had to go back for screening as baby was so active. Found out at 14+2 the baby had died somewhere between then and the 12wk scan. The baby clearly on the scan had something wrong with it, they thought pataus but actually after testing it was triploidy. They booked me in the next day for erpc and quite honestly I was just relieved about that one and glad my body had done the right thing.

For a happy ending, I now FINALLY have a 6 month old Dd. Worth it all!

I've felt both ways. I've lost 6 pregnancies and I do think it's perfectly reasonable to be ok with it. It's your body, your loss. I think if someone has tried and desperately wants this particular baby (not that you didn't) then often it can be overwhelming to no longer be pregnant. Both ways of feeling are fine. My last miscarriage I was totally at peace with (and physically speaking it was a bad one), my 3rd was physically my easiest but I was heartbroken.

It's your own life story, make of it what you will.

There could be something in that @SophiaLarsen. My first mmc was discovered at 9wks but due to protocol I was still 'pregnant' at 15wks when I had the emergency op. Its a long time.

Everyone’s different I suppose. I felt very sad about my two early miscarriages (both around 5-6 weeks). I didn’t think of them as babies I’d lost, but each time it was the loss of a potential future, if that makes sense. Clearly in no way comparable to a late miscarriage, though.

@rarfy I was so so pleased to see the last sentence in that post and am truly thrilled for you! What an awful journey.

But I agree that the mentality 'it won't happen to me' seems to be where a lot of emotions come from, although you lost your first pregnancy and I do think that is different as you then have a seed of doubt as to wether you will be in the minority it doesn't happen for. Thankfully that wasn't the case, huge congratulations xx

I had a missed miscarriage and had surgery last Monday. I saw a heartbeat at 7 weeks, it looked like a baby, and do you know what? It WAS a baby.

YANBU to feel like that but you may feel differently in a few days when it hits you.

To an extent, I think it depends on how easy you found it to conceive and how many times you've miscarried. With hindsight I feel that way you do about my miscarriage at 8 weeks, it just wasn't meant to be.

But at the time, it had taken 2 years to conceive DD so when I conceived my miscarried baby after only 3 months of trying I was elated. Then when I miscarried at 8 weeks, I was distraught that all the infertility bollocks would start again and I may not be able to have a second child. It all worked out in the end and DS is now 11 months old but I didn't conceive him until 7 months after my miscarriage and they were 7 very stressful months.

Thanks @Lotsie. I certainly felt after pregnancy number 3 it just wasn't meant to be but knew I had to give it one more shot. Luckily my beautiful girl is here and been her arrival was a massive worry, ended up with placenta previa which I'm pretty convinced was caused by all my earlier problems.

Even not been.

I can see where you are coming from and totally get the scientific way that you are approaching it. I've had a few miscarriages in my time and felt that each one wasn't meant to be....would never have made a
baby etc. Still, I was bitterly disappointed after each one. They served as a brutal reminder of our infertility and inability to concieve/have a healthy pregnancy....both things that come so easily to most, this is what I found hard. But I was able to move on quickly and coped by looking forwards and not backwards. I don't think that the miscarriages have affected me too much in the long term or had any impact on my mental health.

In the end we got our healthy baby and have baby number 2 on the way in September. I don't look back and mourn the ones that could have been instead I feel that we ended up with the children we were meant to have.

@SophiaLarsen Sorry to hear about your miscarriage and it must have been really hard to have your husband feel differently to you. Miscarriage with no symptoms and to find out that late is very upsetting, I've had symptoms (which I also had in my last pregnancy resulting in DD) although it had still been developing just very slowly and now measures at just 6 weeks instead of almost 9 with no heartbeat. Weirdly my hair started falling out about a week ago and thats when I really started to think this wasn't going to work out - thanks for the heads up on the hormone crash, I hadn't really considered that.....something else to look forward too!

@AloneLonelyLoner Holy crap, I would defo not be ok with having 6 miscarriages! You are amazing. But totally agree with the point you and @Juancornetto made about how it correlates with how long and hard you have tried to conceive. DD was first go, this pregnancy was about 4-5 months of trying, but my mum died at the end of April so I chalked our lack of conception up to the stress of that really. Perhaps that is a cause of the miscarriage too - who knows!

@nespressowoo I'm so sorry to hear that, a heartbeat is a very emotive thing to see and definitely changes things. I hope you are recovering well.

@crosspelican Yes I totally understand what you are saying. Many of my friends are almost refusing to believe that I could possibly be ok and keep telling me that it's ok to not be ok and I don't have to hide it. Driving me a bit mad. I was pretty scared posting this for the reasons you mentioned and have been pleasantly surprised with such lovely comments!

I've had 7 MCs and have dealt with them all practically and privately. We all cope differently. I never thought of them as babies as such apart from a11week MC. But I've had 2 live babies, I think I would feel very differently if I hadn't been able to have them.

I get you. I had one before my first baby and my overriding thought was (and is) that my body did its job in having a miscarriage because it's massively likely there was a chromosomal issue which caused it. I always wonder if my view is unusual due to my past career in medicine. I haven't voiced it to people in real life as I think the potential to upset other people is too high.

I was like this. Even when I had a loss at 20
Weeks I was very practical about it as I think it was the only way I could cope although I didn’t realise it at the time. Like you I properly focused on the practicalities if It.
It really hit me two years later and I became quite unwell with anxiety caused by the suppressed grief I hadn’t even realised I’d been carrying. I hope this doesn’t happen to you obviously but just to say, just because you feel this way now it might hit you later. I too struggled with feeling heartless, turned out I was just very good at switching the emotional side off and focusing on the practical.
Sorry this happened to you, if you do want any practical advice drop me a PM :)

I don’t really know how I felt. I wasn’t sure how I felt about being pregnant. I’d have moments of ‘oh dear god I can’t do this’ to ‘yeah I’ve got this down’
My mind was so torn about the pregnancy part that when I miscarried I was still just as torn. I blamed myself for not wanting the child enough, I blamed my body for not being enough. I simply blamed me.
So as for how I felt... I don’t know. It happened, I was there and the world kept spinning.

I completely get where you're coming from OP. I had three miscarriages before conceiving DD. Two of them were very early on, to the extent that I think of them as not much more than chemical pregnancies (even though with one of them I saw the sac on an early scan) but I know that other women are distraught by these early losses. I saw them as almost par for the course (even though I'd invested a lot in the pregnancies as I was having fertility treatment to conceive).

My other miscarriage was at 11 weeks and I felt that much more but still nowhere near to the extent that I've read about online.

I had 2 miscarriages and my view was similar to yours. I think there was fundamentally wrong with the babies probably chromosome issue and would have been v unwell if the pregnancies went to term. Very few people know about the second miscarriage, as family were much more upset that I was after the first, and I didn't want to put them through knowing about the second miscarriage. I had a successful pregnancy after each miscarriage, I might have felt differently if that hadn't happened.

I'd count myself lucky to feel like that really, I was v upset though I moved on. I have seen the Human Body exhibition and was shocked at how early a foetus is a tiny human. My loss was at 10 weeks and I caught my breath when I saw the tiny model at the same gestation a year later. And that's how I'd imagined it, a tiny little person and I was looking forward to it all and then suddenly it's gone. But as I say it's a positive that you've taken it as you have, and a friend is similar. Another friend recently lost much further along and is, understandably, devastated, her baby was v much up and running.